Too busy for a column today, plus nothing really happened that you didn’t expect to happen, right? Anyways, in return, here’s a picture of me and my best friends practicing our routine that we’ll be performing at halftime of tonight’s Bulls/Bucks game.

Things About the Warriors

- CJ Watson has the head of a 6’7” man.  However, he is 6’2”.

- Wife took one look at the Golden State uniforms and declared “UGH, those are hideous uniforms.”  Aesthetically, I totally agree with her.  They’re really, really bad.  Overdesigned and childish and very late 90s.  But that’s the thing that I like so much about them.  They call back to a time when people thought full length lightning bolts was a good idea.  It’s for that reason alone that I always chose the Warriors when I was building a team from scratch in NBA Live 2000.

- It’s kind of hilarious that Golden State fans don’t like Corey Maggette.  He’s only been the best non-Latvian that team has all season.  Sure, he could pass more but it’s Corey Maggette, that doesn’t happen.  Just realize that he’s playing exactly how he’s always played, but for a team that encourages that.  The disconnect is weird.

- Jermareo Davidson looks like he’s a guard who was Photoshopped in to being 6’10”

Things About You Know

Bulls are in 8^th right now.  Well, not technically as the Bucks are .001% better but, in essence, they’re tied and the Bulls have, thus far, won 2 of 3 from Milwaukee.  Last night was a great one to be a Bulls fan.  On their home court, they actually took it to a team that they should beat (Golden State).  It was also pretty nice that New Jersey had Boston, who they lost to.  This makes Friday’s game really big for both the Bulls and the Bucks, obviously. 

I’m sure that by now, most of you have heard Shaq’s response to Stan Van Gundy’s “attack” on him.  If not, check it.  Within the next 24 hours (and, in all likelihood, many hours thereafter), Shaq will get plenty of air time and entirely too much coverage for his retalliation.  But you know what, Shaq?  This time, I’m not biting.

So here you go Shaq:

…

Paroxi-Wife columns may only be marginally related to the game of basketball.  But at least it gives you something to read at work, right?

Readers, I apologize for my absence last week, but there was not much basketball-watching to be had in the house as Matt had the death-flu, and I thought any writing I might have done would have a) taken away from my juice-fetching and b) been even less informed than usual.  Thankfully, the Paroxi Household is healthy now, and writing has recommenced.

NBA Viewership

Corn’s lovely girlfriend and I were cursing everyone associated with The Bachelor calmly discussing the effects Monday night’s Bachelor finale might have on NBA viewership and decided that ABC’s douchery miscalculations could only lead to even higher Nielsen ratings.  Our theory is that wives and girlfriends everywhere will cave and agree to watch NBA games without even bothering to argue in favor of another scripted season of emotional manipulations a reality television show that will go unnamed.  We decided that at least when watching NBA games, we know what we’re signing up for, and hell, there’s some pretty fine looking bachelors throwing around the ball.

This theory may not apply if games are held on ABC.

(FYI:  Image from- no lie- www.deadflowers.org, for “When you don’t care enough to send anything resembling the very best!”  ABC representatives, take note.)

Wade v. LBJ

- Both hot.

- Both have great arms, though they vary in tattoo art (one has lots, one none).

- Both are capable of being scary.

- Difference? I’m fairly certain that physical relations with LBJ would kill mere mortal women.

Miami v. Cavs

- Great game.

- Tall Guy (I don’t even know his name) is a total asset for the Cavs.  He just stands in there, being tall, tipping in shots, catching poor passes, and knocking around rebounds.  If Miami had a Tall Guy, they’d be in business.

- Replacing Tall Guy with Anderson is a bad idea.  I said throughout most of the game that you could replace Anderson with Anderson Cooper, and HE’D be more effective on defense with only his piercing blue eyes to work with than Flopsy Cottontail over there.  Though in the fourth, Anderson did three good things, and I suppose that justifies his contract.  But he’ll never be a Tall Guy.

- Delonte West, DO NOT PUT DOWN YOUR WRIST WHEN YOU FALL.  FO’ REAL.

- It is by and large a dumb decision to foul LeBron during the first half of the game when he is shooting a three.  This is basic cost analysis, and I slept through most of Econ class.

- Mike Brown is a rather ordinary name for an interesting looking fellow.

Boom Watch

My year-long boycott of my boy Baron on account of his unbelievable stupidity is still in effect.  Matt thinks I need to acknowledge that he’s not that great of player, but that’s not the point.  I also boycotted Mark Messier for a year when he left the Rangers for the Canucks after all of his lobbying to play with Gretzky again, and he’s MUCH scarier than Boom.  Lesson: drool-worthy arms will not let you off the hook with me if you’re a moron.  Still, has anyone seen him? Is he coming to his senses?

Eighth Seed in the East and The Knicks

Trey is actually right and I am rooting for the Knicks, not for David Lee’s curls but because Mike D’Antoni’s smirk is just amazing, and they’re a hell of a lot of fun to watch.  I love that every player has had some of their best games against the Knicks, and still, they just keep on rolling.  I also refuse to dump on the Knicks for cutting Starbury because several years of dating people from St. Louis taught me you have to know when to cut your losses and go separate ways.  Plus, I’ve got the MSG love given my affection for the Rangers.

Additionally, Trey, if you need some book recommendations, I’ve got a non-basketball related list.  You know, given the fact that I actually blog somewhere other than on my sugar daddy’s website.

Things About the 8^th Seed

Here’s what I realized last night.  Because of the economy, teams are going to doing everything they can to get in to the playoffs, because of the dolla dolla bills, y’all.  Ergo,  we have teams killing themselves just on the chance that they can have one home game, possibly against LeBron.  That’s SERIOUS cash flow, and it’s making for great basketball.   Sure, the economy kind of made things around the trade deadline sorta wack, but this is making up for it.

I think it’s safe to call Toronto out of the race, as they’re 5 and a half back.  Sorry, Melas.  Milwaukee, New Jersey, and Chicago are within one game of each other and Indiana and Charlotte are another game back.  The Bulls have Golden State at home before they face the Bucks in Chicago.  The Bucks play the Cavs in Cleveland before Friday’s big matchup.  Meanwhile, the Nets play Boston and Orlando this week.  I’m guessing, Friday’s winner has the eighth seed.  And since Milwaukee isn’t too great on the road, I’ll pick the Bulls.

Things About the New Jersey/Milwaukee Game

Brook Lopez is just an amazing, amazing human.  And he’s really good at basketball, scoring in double figures in all but 7 games during 2k9.  Plus he gave this interview last night:

Incredible.

It’s entirely possible that Don Nelson, in his recent fit of scribbling random rosters on napkins, drawing them out of a hat, and trying them in games, has gone completely insane.

But it’s also possible that he’s more in touch with basketball than any coach we’ve ever seen.

This world consists of not just basketball players and coaches, but front office officials, scouts, dancers, die-hards, casual fans, forum-dwellers, bloggers, and anyone impressionable enough to be affected by a basketball game.  To say that “the world of basketball” is limited simply to wins and losses or even something as trivial as points (You and your simple, primitive ways!) is largely missing the point.  It’s not necessarily a thought process I’ve fully appreciated until now, but Nellie is, more than any coach in the NBA, tapped into basketball’s collective unconscious.

An easy way to think about it is to consider every ridiculous idea that’s ever entered your mind about the game.  These fleeting notions of insanity that we all encounter before we cast them off and discount their credit.

What would happen if you fielded a lineup of entirely shooting guards?

What would happen if you had your center shoot threes all the time?

What would happen if you just stopped playing veterans all together to find minutes for the young’ns?

Nelson has tapped into the unconscious and utilized its most prized weaponry.  Maybe that makes him both a visionary and completely bonkers.  But don’t pretend that the thought hasn’t crossed your mind.  When you see a team with Anthony Randolph, Anthony Morrow, Brandan Wright, and Marco Belinelli sitting around twiddling their thumbs, the natural instinct is to find a way to get them some playing time.  One problem: Stephen Jackson, Jamal Crawford, and Corey Maggette are pretty well-paid and proven, veteran road blocks.

I wouldn’t say that Nelson’s plan is “crazy enough to work,” because what “works” in the conventional sense and what “works” in this type of framework aren’t exactly similar.  Nellie is sitting at the control panel and pressing buttons just to see if one of them causes the planet to explode.  Why would it matter if he accidentally turns the fan on?

I doubt very much that there is some grandiose, progressive goal in mind.  Nelson’s just trying to appraise the assets he has in front of them.  But the uproar over these arbitrary benchings tells me two things: one, that no other coach would do this, and two, that it was something that was on all of our minds anyway.  In Randolph we trust.

Perhaps you were too busy with that silly Lebron/Wade matchup (ugh) or Russell Westbrook’s triple double (pshaw) last night to check out the true brilliance beaming forth at this start of March.

Yes indeed. The man, whose name is voluntarily joined by the words “salary” and “contract” in the first two entries on my Google search bar, finally showed his true colors. Yes, those colors are the road cone orange and electric blue of the OKC Thunder last night. Oh, this is not a joke – Malik Rose was forced got to play last night… and he scored 7 POINTS!

(Could not find any official picture of Malik in OKC gear. Please pass along if you are more fortunate, readers.)

Malik has only scored 10 points since THANKSGIVING. That is not a typo. The sadist in me continues to wish that Durant and Green sit out with injuries so we can get more of this wonderment. The human in me wishes we could just get back to normal. Kept that purty smile on the sidelines, Malik. We don’t want you in there battling for boards – putting those pearly whites in harm’s way.

Things About Things

Usually I come to write this thing with some thoughts in my incredible, amazing brain; something that’s going to make your mind explode.  But lately, I’ve been watching less and less basketball as the February malaise sets in.  It’s a long, long season and there’s a lot of stuff to take in.  About this time every year I start to get a little unfocused when watching games.  I’ll watch the games, but I’ll constantly be doing other things too.  That doesn’t let me learn as much as I’d like, but it happens.

But this year, I’ve decided that rather than try and watch as much of as many games as I can during the malaise, I’ll focus on one game and maybe take in some others on the peripheral.  Blend that with increasing my pop culture intake, and I think I can stay on top of things both in the NBA and in enjoying basketball.  It’s worked well so far, and it helps that Eastbound and Down, Important Things with Demetri Martin, and Survivor all recently premiered.  By forcing myself to not watch every game, I can still love the games I do watch, rather than feel obligated to watch them.  I suggest you try it.  It’s pretty freeing.

Now this doesn’t mean I’m not watching a lot of basketball, because I’m still watching way too much.  But the point is it feels like I’m not tied down anymore, and that’s what I’m going for.  And seriously, Eastbound and Down is hilarious.

Things About Cleveland/Miami

There’s really only two new things I could take from this game.  Of course LeBron and Wade went off.  That’s what they do.  They’re 40% of the top 5 players in the league, so it’s not too surprising that they do things like score 40 against each other.  It’s fun, but not unexpected.

The major thing I took from the game is that I’m not very sold on Mario Chalmers.  Plus/minus isn’t a great stat over the course of a season, but in a single game it can be valuable.  Chalmers seemed like he was killing the Heat, and it turns out he was -14.  And that seems about right.  At times, he came down with Jannero Pargo Syndrome, but other than that, it was just poor decision making and substandard play.  Of course, he’s been statistically a below average point guard this whole year, and that’s going to be a problem in the playoffs.  The main reason for this, of course, is that he’s a rookie.  He’ll probably mature in to a serviceable starter, but this year, he isn’t.

The other thing about this game that surprised me is how unaware both the Heat and the Cavs were that anyone was ever behind them.  In a three minute sequence, I counted five times where the ball was tipped out from behind or there was an easy block because someone was unaware there was a trailer.  Can we get a WOLF call of something?

If we’re rolling on the overdramatic-mythology-as-portrayed-in-movies kick, and I always am, the Miami Heat tonight were definitely rolling as something from the historic epic movies. Somewhere between 300 and Troy. I was reminded of the line from Troy, where a very Dwyane-Wade-like Achilles’ says, “We are lions!”

Wade is very Achillian this year. Blessed by the Gods. Fearsome. Outnumbered. And fierce. He’s no longer the good hearted youngster. He’s got vengeance in his heart, and its expressed in every ferocious jam and breakneck steal.

Wade has taken this ragtag team, filled with rookies (Beasley and Chalmers), fringe players (Joel Anthony, DeQuan Cook), and veterans considered past their prime (Jermaine O’Neal, Udonis Haslem) and have turned them into a cohesive unit. That they were overwhelmed tonight was not about a fundamental flaw, alack of resolve, or a weakness borne from their chemistry. They were simply overrun by numbers. They had to hit a cold streak, and they did so at the worst time, just as the Cavs switched to the perimeter game, on a night where LeBron’s less than impressive perimeter game was in sync. James may have put more digits in the points column, but  his game was largely pedestrian tonight. A series of free throws and perimeter bombs that fell, even though you didn’t anticipate them doing so.

Wade on the other hand, was a leader of men, and a force of nature all at once. No one goes from 0 to 100 on the steal as fast as Wade. Not Ellis, not Barbosa, no one. Because he’s got a velocity that threatens the sound barrier. And versus those smaller guards, who’s finishes are like the vapor trail left from afterburners, Wade’s is the sonic boom, a high speed violent performance art. It’s killing the rim with velocity. A drive-by dunking. His turnovers are his heel, rendering him vulnerable to the perimeter trap. Wade’s passing was just as spectacular, using his quickness, touch, and a fantastic ability to create, and make, the hard pass when the defense shifts to him. There were long stretches tonight when there was simply nothing you could do. The symphony of his athleticism, creativity, his natural basketball instincts, and his veteran ability to operate within the context of the offense (something LeBron intrinsically lacks due to his identity) make it so difficult to stop him, you’re rendered in an impossible state of frustration.

Take my favorite play of the night (second play in the clip below):

He curls off the screen to receive the ball, and measures. West plays him right. Cut off his right, prevents the lane penetration and the pull-up 15 footer. Force him baseline. But with O’Neal, versus two weeks ago, he has an option to use in the post. He dumps it low, and when Wade flushes to the baseline, West has to double check to make sure he didn’t just get his ankles broken and Wade isn’t going to the strong side. Wade uses O’Neal as an on the ball screener, and it’s made worse by the fact that O’Neal is being guarded by Varejao, who’s unaware of the concept of moving if he’s not falling backwards as if shot (or as Paroxi-Wife brilliantly put it, “Varejao always looks like he’s shot.” *Replay of Varejao flopping* “Pow! Duck Hunt!”) So when Wade screams by him, getting the ball on a quick toss from O’Neal, Varejao might as well have been directing him in with flares. By the time Varejao reacts, Wade is underneath the basket, where his athleticism kicks in and he skyrockets straight up like a missile and explodes backwards. It’s somewhere between basketball noir violence and art.

Later, Pavlovic does an even better job on him. He forces him deep into the corner, and this time Z cuts off the baseline. The angles are off, and Wade knows he can’t force a pass (something he’ll eventually forget to evaluate late in the game). So Wade calmly jab steps backwards and nails a leaning, fading, 17 foot jumper as if he’s blowing out candles on a cake.

I’ve long held that this team is the one you don’t want to see in the playoffs, and tonight was a reminder. They have a great shot at the 4 seed, and as long as Atlanta doesn’t go anywhere and the Cavs maintain pace, we’re looking at a very likely Wade vs. LeBron matchup in the semifinals. Which would honestly be the best thing all year. These two go at one another in a very unique way. Maybe they’re courting one another. Maybe they like putting on a show. But there’s something that happens when these two step on the floor, the same thing that’s been missing between LeBron and Kobe. They’re friends, contemporaries, paired icons of a generation, and the idea of them battling back and forth, LeBron with Delonte at his side, Wade with Beasley, is almost too good of an idea to be true.

I’ve cooled on LeBron. He’s still murdering people, like tonight, with a more savvy approach, free throws and perimeter shots, a parting, nail-in-the-coffin dunk as if it to tease what he’s capable of. But his refusal to find synergy within his game, to focus on the post moves, to understand the inconvertible force of his penetration moves and how they render the defense powerless, has driven me to frustration. So much of his game has become folly. Too many steps in transition,too many adjustments on drive and kicks, too much incomplete force mixed with indulgence. He’s still a force of nature, and I have every hope that in the playoffs, he’ll unleash hell upon the man-help and take over like only he is capable. But for right now, he’s too reliant on calls, too indulgent of his jumper, and too swarthy without resolve.

Kobe’s a more reasonable choice, but let’s say for the sake of argument you neutralize him with the talent he’s surrounded by, the classic gunnery of his finer performances, his award last season, whatever you choose.

That brings us to Wade. He won’t clear 50 wins. But he’s brought this team from the ashes, answered his critics, has them in line for the playoffs, some quality wins, and his numbers are off the charts. Points, rebounds, assists, steals, and even blocks. He’s done more with less, and he’s doing it by setting crowds on fire and leading a young team.

I’m starting to believe Dwyane Wade may really be the 2008-2009 MVP.

Again, it says a lot for the Cavs’ playoff chances that they’re able to absorb the firepower they did tonight, buckle down, reverese momentum, and take the win. And West’s return makes this a wholly different, more volatile, more explosive team. But if we’re lucky, we’ll get to see these two go at it for seven games. It’s not just good drama, it has teh capacity, to be the kind of series no one forgets, even as Conference Finals fade into memory.

And in the playoffs, you’re either lions or lambs.

Playoff roster deadline day is like Christmas for contenders.  They wake up early, giddy with excitement, and trample over each other down the stairs to see their latest bounty.  Only once they get to the tree, there are two presents and five or six kids.  Should it really surprise you that the biggest, baddest kids just beat the snot out of the others and claim the gifts as their own?

Man, that brings back some great holiday memories.

This year, Stephon Marbury and Mikki Moore are already off the market, and the Celtics are off playing with their new toys.  Unfortunately for them, they may have picked the wrong box, or failed to have seen the package with the prettier wrapping paper hiding in the back corner.  Drew Gooden and Joe Smith (and Stromile Swift!  Don’t forget Stromile Swift!), unquestionably better players than Mikki Moore, are suddenly available.  The Danny Ainge tantrum is inevitable.

San Antonio and Cleveland have the most to gain.  The Spurs are largely considered one contributing big man away from contention for serious, and both Gooden and Smith are viable options.  They each can shoot from midrange and rebound, which is already better than Fabricio Oberto’s best day.  Plus, each would present a different look for the nights when Matt Bonner’s well of three pointers goes dry.  The Cavs on the other hand, were good to go until Ben Wallace’s injury.  All of a sudden, J.J. Hickson is forced into a contributing role (rather than his customary wild card) for a bonafide contender fighting for its life to clinch the number one seed and the ever-important home court advantage.  Sounds wonderful, I know.  Gooden and Smith, two players who coincidentally have past experience with the franchise and LeBron, would allow for Wallace’s recovery and reintroduction to take as long as necessary without overdependence on Hickson’s up-and-down production.  Veteran savvy and a safety net all rolled into one.  Upon Wallace’s return, either would likely log minutes as the fourth big in the rotation behind Big Z, Anderson Varejao, and Benjamin Wallace.

I do have one question though: if mid-season waivers are the new ring-chasing, why wouldn’t Joe Smith or Drew Gooden latch on with the surest of sure things?  Each is already making well into the multi-millions on the season, and they could conceivably sign with any team in the league for the prorated veteran’s minimum.  Cleveland and San Antonio are each attractive destinations in their own right, but my point is this: if these guys want to contribute a bit and steal some bling, I don’t understand why they would discount the possibility of going to Boston or Los Angeles.  I’m probably ignoring the elephant of a recession in the room, but if your previous salary is still mostly guaranteed, wouldn’t forgoing a few million be worth it in the chase for ‘everlasting glory?’  At the very least, the ‘championship experience’ tag should be enough to turn what would have been a modest contract in the future into a pretty attractive deal, and recoup that lost salary.

This season’s waiver wire isn’t quite multifaceted enough to make a team on its own, but imagine this situation sometime in the future: a veteran point guard, a veteran swingman, and a veteran big from bottom-dwelling teams are cut loose, and all agree to join a shallow team for the veteran minimum.  That kind of swing could turn a middle-of-the-pack hopeful into a serious contender, provided the talent fits.  Of course the team in question would need to be in an attractive position and possibly in an attractive market (Hello, New LeBron City), and essentially a perfect storm of factors would need to coincide.  But this type of post-deadline maneuvering essentially lends itself to the rich getting richer through free agent monopolization.  Tweaking your team is all fun and games now, but I dread the day where a title is virtually decided by veterans desperate for rings and teams desperate to save.