Have you guys heard of cars?  Probably.

Have you heard of videos?  Probably.

Have you heard of the Internet?  Certainly.

Have you heard that new Asher Roth record?  Sorry, if you have.

Anyways, put those first three things together, completely ignore the fourth, and you have this marvelous piece of modern film-making, the first of several hastily made reactions to the Bulls/Celtics matchup.

I’m developing a tendency of dwelling on NBA-related events for a matter of hours, which feeds into more and more dwelling until the dwelling is through.  It’s probably a good thing in terms of avoiding rash, immediate reactions, but clearly a negative in regard to timeliness and topicality.

The playoffs haven’t actually started yet, so is it still okay to talk about Kevin Garnett?

Today, Doc Rivers dropped a bomb: there is a distinct possibility that Kevin Garnett will not play in a single playoff game this season.  Boom, y’all.  But there was no fallout, and there was no mayhem.  A monster artillery shell drilled into the very foundation of the basketball world, and the response was a resounding “…Huh.”

Garnett is unquestionably a pillar of Celticry.  He’s still a bastion of defensive intensity, and holds the keys to a successful drive in Boston.  And yet this superstar, star among stars though he may be, has commanded virtually zero attention with the announcement that he may have already played his last game of the season.  Maybe that’s at the center of why I’m sitting here at nine at night, with the blogging sun long since set, writing about an injury to a player on a team that few believe will even sniff the title.

There’s no question that if LeBron, Wade, or one of the league’s few other stratospheric icons went through the exact same injury, I’d be all over that.  Superficially, I’d attribute that to Garnett’s already lengthy absence, with a hint of NBA-dom’s growing ambivalence about the Boston brand.  But I’m convinced there are forces far more nefarious at work here.  Something much larger in the grand scheme of the NBA narrative: Kevin Garnett has ceased to exist as a person of intrigue.

Last season was a dream come true for Garnett.  In donning the kelly green, he assumed a place as part of history’s franchise, and hit the court flying with All-Star wings.  The banners above his head were as motivating as they were foreboding.  But above all, KG was able to shed the identity of a lovable loser and become the leader that many thought he would never be.  Kevin Garnett was the best player on a championship team, and he led that team in spirit and performance.  Question his abilities in any regard if you will, but nothing can take that ring off of his finger.

In that moment, when metal and gemstone met with superhuman power forward flesh, we saw the beginning of the end of our interest in Garnett.  There were no more questions about his leadership.  There were no more questions about a title-less career.  There was no more support for Garnett as the champion of the underdogs.  The tragic hero had found his closure, and a legacy was defined that night in June.

It shouldn’t surprise you, because the symptoms have been there all season long.  LeBron was so quickly annointed as the East’s MVP because we so desperately wanted to find a new king.  Eventually, Garnett’s trademark intensity was thrown in his face; his antics had worn thin, and his on-court hounding was suddenly an unbearable disgrace to the game.  KG’s ardent supporters claimed that nothing had changed, that Garnett’s new scrutiny was simply a matter of more cameras and brighter lights.  That’s exactly the point: little about Garnett has changed, but our perception of him will be altered forever.  Garnett doesn’t hold the same draw as LeBron, as Wade, or as post-Shaq Kobe because he’s done the unthinkable: he won the whole damn thing.  Once you’ve abandoned the suspense for that carthartic climax, there’s simply no going back.

Kevin Garnett is injured and the Celtics won’t win the title.  Huh.

RIP 2008-2009 regular season.

Thunder and Bobcats :(

In truth, I blame a lot of this on myself. True, that might be a bit arrogant, but this is the way I want to view the end. As my own creation. You always hurt the ones you love the most. And now, as this era maliciously, fiercely excises itself from our collective NBA conscience, we are left to wonder “Where did it all go wrong?”

I could have been louder, could have written more, could have used more !s. But no, I let it die. Took away that precious oxygen of rumors and rants, forcing my most cherished, invaluable connection to this wonderful sport to break. Toiling in the shadows, cutting back alley deals, using his improbable weekly paychecks to detach, emotionally and psychologically, from his still current, yet former team. Paid to headhunt for himself for 9 months, our angel – the man who helped build this site – chose to facetiously ponder new alternatives, to plot his escape.

And escape he has. Today, because we were so silent, because our cheers and jeers moved on to fawning adulation for actual basketball, for teamwork, for achievement and away from the lambasting and deriding of the Ozymandian collapse of Isiah Thomas that we are now the ones left to suffer. No more 120 word posts exhalting his idiocy. No more pictures of his incorrigibility before assistant coaches, players, management, fans, popcorn salespeople, co-workers, cab drivers, Stephon Marbury, women in general, bloggers, clowns, astronauts, Somali pirates and the Royal Canadain Mounted Police (you just know he hated those guys).

I can’t speak for the rest of the blogosphere, but I feel that we just had a bit more to give. More posts about how he stuck to his guns, shot from his hip, how he was the decider (like George W. Bush). In fact, I don’t think of that as too gross a reach. In fact, parrallels between Zeke and W. run far and wide. Perhaps I will craft that post some day. In memoriam.

But truly, I will be sad. I will go to my blogging grave feeling like I could have given it just a little more, hammered a little bit harder, joked a little more coarsely. However, I will do my best to focus on this as a positive and as a chance for me to refine my skills and to cover the game with a greater eye towards to the pristine execution and fluidity of this game – and spend less time talking about Isiah trying to kill himself with pain pills, only to blame his daughter because the man is the walking embodiment of selfish arrogance and remorselessness in sports today (and yes, I know Jim Calhoun is still coaching at UConn).

I just want to congratulate the young men and women at Florida International University. Admittedly, my advice on any number of issues tends to be highly subjective, incomplete, biased and relatively useless, but please hear me when I say “Rejoice, Rejoice.” I hope you realize what a treasure Isiah will be to your school, your city and your fervent need to filter your angst and frustrations through the written word and not through malice towards your fellow man. He has been sent to bless your institution and, more importantly, your blogosphere. Use him wisely, for you never know when this glorious gift may be found defective and returned for a refund.

And so, it is today, that I (bloggerifically) pour one out for my homeboy. God speed, sweet saint. Teardrop :`(

Last year, I stumbled upon a site called “Respect Kobe.”

After vomiting for an extended period of time at the mere concept, I immediately set to work on finding ways to mock this site.  I was ready to tear the proprietor of what had to be an elongated “KOBE RULEZ!!!1″ site in two, using my razor sharp wit and keen eye that is clearly free from any sort of anti-Laker bias.

I ran into a problem.

The site was really very good.

It wasn’t just that it was well written and well-thought, it was that the arguments the author made were so profoundly tight, wrapped in fair and equitable logic, that at the end of reading posts I would find myself going, “You know, maybe he’s right. Maybe Kobe COULD cure cancer…”

It still infuriated me, but what could I do? I contacted the author and he became what is referred to in some circles as a blogbro.  Over time, he became a friend. I had him write some pieces for HP, and after finding out about his technical skill, hired him to redesign Hardwood Paroxysm.

Here’s the interesting thing. Josh Tucker and I agree on almost nothing.  We’re politically, religiously, and philosophically polar opposites. It’s not just that we’re not in the same sphere, every aspect of our opinions are in direct conflict with that of the other’s.  And on top of this, he’s a diehard Lakers fan, and an admirer of Kobe.

I point all of this out to you for two reasons. One, to outline my respect for Josh’s mind, his talent, his character, and most importantly to you, his ability to entertain you in discussion of the NBA. And two, to make clear the gravity of how much I want you to check out his new blog. Despite the fact that I agree with almost nothing he writes, I still want you to turn to this blog, because he’s just that damn good.

After months and months and months of pestering him to get off his backside and start writing because he was denying the world a gift, he’s just filled a giant hole for the folks over at SBN. He’s started a Lakers blog.

Silver Screen and Roll.

Go read it. Now. Subscribe. Bookmark. Digg. Tell your friends. Comment.

Oh, and by the way, how unfair is it that we have so many freaking good Lakers blogs? Forum Blue and Gold is the standard, the LA Times one is excellent, I know several other Lakers blogs which are great, it’s just not fair. They get all the stars, all the national games, Pau Gasol, 14 Championships, AND awesome blogs? Dirty.

Flip Saunders and the Washington Wizards are a match made in Gilbert’s own Gilberty heaven.  There are performing circus animals everywhere, fireworks, unicorns, elaborate masked balls, and the whole thing is probably scored by Animal Collective.  But somewhere in that world, there’s an incredible offensive coach whose style has been ridiculed, leadership has been questioned, and successes attributed to others.  He’s a kindred spirit with a perfect fit for not only Gilbert’s style, but the team’s style.  So light the fuse, pick out your feathery masque, and cue Sung Tongs — things just might get magical in Washington.

Flip Saunders isn’t just a good offensive coach, he’s a great offensive coach.  He’s also one that doesn’t come with the baggage of say, a Don Nelson.  Depending on how you interpret the events that transpired in Detroit, you may have your list of qualms with the man or his style, but it’s hard to argue with how he transformed one of the league’s slowest and least imaginagive offensive teams into a vehicle for easy buckets, exploiting mismatches, and whimsy.  Where Flip got the raw deal was with how the Pistons completely overachieved in the their two years under Larry Brown.  Yes, they won the championship, but the Pistons were masters of opportunism, not the league.  They were a good team that played great defense playing against a great team that had a great meltdown at a great time.  I dare not deny Detroit their ‘ship nor its legitimacy, but come on, the Lakers were the better team.  The next season, the same squad got all the way to the Finals, but fell short against the Spurs.  Those were good runs by a quality team, but does that really mean that merely reaching the conference finals three times in a row was an abject failure?  Especially when handed a…let’s say ‘confident’ roster with questionable focus?  He won an average of 58.7 wins over three seasons, for blog’s sake.

Blaming so-and-so for what went down in Detroit is SO 2008, so I’m going to let sleeping Sheeds lie.  What we have now is a depressingly bad Wizards squad with an interim coach who never had a chance.  Gilbert and Brendan Haywood’s injuries had a lot to due with the EPIC FAIL of 2008-2009, but that doesn’t change the fact that this team will need guidance to reintegrate Arenas, Haywood, and potentially a high lottery pick into the rotation.  What better man is there to champion the Wizards’ regular season than a man famous, or even infamous, for his regular season pedigree?  Realistically, I’m not sure how far this team can go, as currently constructed, in the Eastern Conference in years to come.  A lot of that hinges on exactly what Gil can do and chooses to do.  But Saunders fits Washington’s bill perfectly, and seems an ideal candidate to bring the Wizards back into the postseason and, perhaps even more importantly, get the most out of Arenas.

• Perspective for Celtics fans on both sides of the maniac aisle. I do think the idea that this Cavs team isn’t “proven” is a little ridiculous. We’re not talking about the Rockets here. The Cavs have had a lot of postseason success.  And if you want to start comparing stories, the Celtics never had to go through San Antonio, inarguably the best team of the last decade and a team that has multiple championships, which is something Boston doesn’t have with this nucleus (though it certainly acts like it).
• Watson rolling mano-a-mano with the Bobcat Killer.
• Forget Wade’s double nickel, forget Beasley’s coming of age, forget the Heat returning to the playoffs. BLACK UNIFORMS. Do you realize what this means? NO STUPID WHITE OUT. HURRAH!
• All the Pistons need to get the six seed and to advance to the second round (via Orlando) is for Philly to lose to a wounded rabid Boston team and then Cleveland on a back to back, and then beat Chicago at home, then Miami in a game where Wade most likely won’t play. It’s like every piece of good luck the Magic have acquired this season have all been called in on marker by Satan.
• Nets Daily thinks it may have rooted out Chad Ford’s source. And that GM thinks the draft will suck.
• I covered the Toros last season for a local mag, and seeing Quin Snyder win Coach of the year makes me pretty happy. The guy was the opposite of everything I was expecting after his stint in Columbia. He was open, respectful, insightful, and most of all, an absolutely balls out coach. The guy never stops teaching. His team would be up by 15 with two minutes left in a game with 200 people in the stands and he’s still screaming his head off trying to get some undrafted rookie out of a junior college to correctly cut off the screener. I asked him if he wanted a gig in the NBA and he gave me one of those answers where he says no, but does so in a way that is actually not an answer at all, which means yes. He’s going to make a great Spurs assistant in a few years.  There are a lot of coaches who go into the D-League and resent it and everyone in it. Snyder embraced the chance. I asked him why one day, why he embraces the budget travel and losing his star players every thirty seconds and the tiny gyms. “I know it sounds corny, but I really just love to teach guys. And this is somewhere that if I do well, they get to succeed.”
• New kids on the block. Hangin’ tough.
• The 2010 draft class has me out of my mind excited. John Wall is a part of that.
• Skeets drafting Trey for Phenom. Swg. is genius, I tell you. Pure genius.
• I keep getting this nagging feeling that Derrick Rose is going to show us some NOVA here in about a week in a losing effort.
• Sweet Jesus this is going to be fun.
• Great fit for Flip. Veteran team. Needs some offense. Knows what he’s doing. Respected by the league. Good fit. Look, if Doc Rivers can suddenly be this amazing coach, Saunders can get the job done.
• Nate Jones on revenue sharing.
• Bitter, bitter, bitter.

Let me put this in the most respectful, journalistically way possible: I HATE YOU, STEVE KERR!

Oops. Too late. EPIC FAIL.
Goodnight Suns.

You know what this post needs? Yakety-Sax.

• Let’s talk Dallas. We wrote them off. You did, too. Don’t lie. Liars go to hell, Billy. We all wrote them off and chanted “Thank You, Cuban!” along with the Nets twelve fans (and we are still right to have done so), and figured they would embarrass themselves on the way to either a first round playoff exit or missing the dance entirely. Well, the first round exit still seems likely, but embarrassing themselves doesn’t. Kidd is playing the best ball he has in years, Howard is back to full force, Dirk is so damn consistent we should all be taken to court for the crime of not appreciating it, Terry is their sixth freaking man, and they have depth all over the place.  When this team is playing well, and if you watch them right now, they’re playing really well, they’re still a loaded team with a ton of playoff experience.
• Let me take you back to last year. The Mavs were facing the Hornets on the last day of the season. If they won, they avoided the terrifying fate of the Lakers and instead got a Hornets team that busted them in the face and wiped them from the face of the Earth like a plague. I was begging the Mavs to lose that game last year, to take the Lakers. The matchups are so much better for Dallas against LA.
• Okay, you think I’m nuts. I get that. And hey, looking at the regular season results, that’s certainly true. But then, if we go by that logic, the Bobcats would wipe the Lakers out in the first round, the Thunder would push San Antonio to seven games, and other nonsensical comparisons. I don’t think the Mavs would beat the Lakers, let’s be clear on that. No one’s beating the Lakers. Not happening. But if you look at the matchups..

• Let’s do 1-3 and 4-5. Jason Kidd, Antoine Wright, Jose Juan Barrea (Jub-Jub!), Jason Terry,  and Josh Howard versus Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Jordan Farmar, Sasha Vujacic, Lamar Odom, Trevor Ariza, and if you’re feeling frisky, Luke Walton even though he’s been guarding a lot of fours lately. Now, take Kobe out of that equation. We know Kobe is a force of nature all his own. And he’ll be the reason the Lakers win, this series and all series. But Jason Kidd, Barrea, and Terry versus Fisher, Farmar, and Vujacic? Josh Howard versus Lamar Odom? Throw in the fact that at least the Mavs have Antoine Wright who is tall enough to physically match up with Kobe, and that pulls them within range.
• Next you’ve got Dirk Nowitzki, Brandon Bass, and Erick Dampier versus Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum, and DJ MBenga. To give the automatic win to Gasol over Nowitzki and Bynum over Dampier is to ignore Nowitzki’s brilliance and Dampier’s play as of late. Bynum has struggled this season, even when he was healthy, against players who were big enough not to be bullied by him. Dampier for all the flack he takes is bullied by no one outside of the MDE. He’s got the frame to stand up to Bynum for spots. Bynum will have a few solid games, but it won’t be outright destruction. Now, Gasol’s been the most important player for the Lakers this season (there’s a point where you just take Kobe for granted, because he’s just that good. He’s like factoring in space and time). And he’s owned Nowitzki this year. But in a playoff series, do you really want to bet on the half-beard versus Dirk?
• All of this is to say that the Lakers will still easily win a series with the Mavs. But if you’re looking for the easiest road to the Finals? To allow time for rest while the West beats the crap out of itself? That road goes through Utah and their inability to play on the road. Not through Dallas and a team with another important factor. They have nothing left to lose.

• So Griffin’s going pro. Surprise surprise. Now the fun part begins. There’s a widespread assumption that he’ll go #1.  I’m not so sure. Look at the teams at the top of the lottery. The Kings have Shock and Hawes and need something to undo the horror that is Udrih’s contract. Plus if they don’t take Rubio, Tom Ziller will hold shiva. Now, Tom told me that when you’re a team that wins 17 games, you take the BPA approach. But you have pieces to build around there. I’m not certain if Griffin is the direction they want to head. The Clippers? Good God. Who can the Clippers take? The Clippers should lose their pick out of concern for the well being of the rookies. They could take anyone and it would be understandable and yet sad for whoever gets put there. They have Z-Bo, Camby, and Kamby. Is adding a frontcourt player the way they want go? We all know Memphis will never have the luck to get the top pick. Your argument is invalid.
• Which brings us to Washington. We’re going to pretend for the purposes of this exercise that we’re getting Gilbert and Haywood (and Jamison and Butler and Epic Vale and everyone else) back at full strength next season. If they get the top pick… CATSANDDOGSLIVINGTOGETHERMASSHYSTERIA. What, do you bring Blake Griffin off the bench? The top pick with explosive talent, the big investment, you groom him as a longterm replacement to Antawn Jamison? Do you shift Butler to the 2 guard, move Jamison to the three (ewwww) and start Griffin? Do you trade Jamison? I mean, it seems like it could be a gluttony of brilliance or an absolute disaster. So basically, a very Wizards scenario.
• What ever happened to Linas Kleiza? Where did that go? He’s got a 12 point variance in his last three games. High is 27, low is 0 this season. It’s like he vanished, while doing almost nothing different.
• The Paroxi-House is a house that supports the Hornets. Paroxi-wife loves Paul’s baby eyes. I think David West, even though he’s kind of brusque (or a jackass, you might say), is an assassin that’s fun to watch, and the alley oop is sacred behavior here. But man, this team just doesn’t have it. Largely I think the “it” factor is irrelevant, not because it doesn’t exist, but because it can appear and disappear completely randomly at any point. If you don’t believe me, remember the Timberwolves have winning streaks this year. But this team seems incapable of hitting that geat they were at last year. And though the statistical evidence is heavy to disprove me (but maybe not all of it), I have this blind faith feeling it’s got to do with losing Pargo.  The Hornets seem to have been immasculated a bit over the course of a year. I have hope that Chandler will get healthy and all of a sudden this team will look like a bunch of guys in C.O.B.R.A. again, but right now, they’re one of the easiest draws in the West.
• Portland, on the other hand, looks like a team you don’t want to mess with. KD’s right, they can’t play defense worth a lick. But if they get hot, they can hurt you in so many ways. And there’s zero quit in them. They’re not seasoned enough to have lost the drive that comes with playing a giant number of games.  Then there’s the fact that they have a legitimate rivalry with three teams in the playoffs (Utah, Denver, LA). Portland’s at the glass ceiling, and if they can get some balls to bounce their way, they could bust through.
• The Memphis Grizzlies keep inventing new ways of losing. Last night it was Conley losing a pass for no apparent reason. Tonight it was OJ Mayo shooting  a three without setting for no apparent reason. That would be a good name for the team. The Memphis For No Apparent Reason. I want to be excited about how well Gasol has developed, about OJ finding his shot, about Rudy’s pulse, and the fact that Conley’s no longer an abomination. But Jesus, guys. Put the damn game away.
• Rajon Rondo has a ridiculous amount of versatility at this point. While we were watching KG snarl, Allen knock down J’s and Pierce be the Truth, Rondo added the stop-go-stop-go-and under, the drive and kick, the faintest hint of a pull-up, and a screwball pass to his repertoire to go along with the floater. Watching him go against Parker is going to be one of the best and most underrated battles of the next five years.
• Man, the Spurs are screwed.