You know, I’d just about given up on preview ideas. Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with original season preview ideas? Long-winded conversation about the relevance of the team and its players? Shoals. Amalgam of well-threaded analysis combined with LOLercoasters and sweet tracks? BDL. In-depth look at the subtle points of each team, and statistical look at what to watch for this season? Try and of the bazillion terrific team blogs on THN, SBN, or Bloguin. Trying to come up with original insight would largely be an exercise in derivative lip service. So in light of that, I’m going to run through the 30 teams, and give you a Lion Face/Lemon Face for consensus or widely thought paradigms entering this season. It would be meta, but hopefully it’s not completely obnoxious enough to be considered meta.

What’s Lion Face/Lemon Face, you ask?

And with that, the 2009-2010 season for the Atlantic Division

Boston Celtics

Lion Face: “Rasheed Wallace is going to be a difference maker.”

I love this move more and more, having seen evidence of it coming together in preseason. Putting Sheed on a team with this kind of professionalism with guys he respects and trusts, but who have stronger leadership tendencies than he does, sets him up perfectly. Stronger egos than his to make sure he doesn’t lose his head, but a sense of ownership on the floor that Boston carries with it down to the last man. It’s pretty much a perfect situation for Sheed, from chemistry to coaching (non-existent) to actual on the floor responsibilities. Sheed’s easily frustrated by intrusion into what he deems necessary or preferable, which won’t occur with the trust and faith put into one another on the C’s. And his wilder instincts will be both tempered by players that he can actually be held accountable to (the Big 3), and supported in the right context by the more aggressive of the team (Rondo, KG). He’ll have one player to pull him away from an altercation (Ray/Paul) and one player to stick up for him and scream in his stead to avoid a T (Davis/KG/House).

In terms of actual play, Sheed’s so much of a double-edged sword for this team, it’s scary. They needed shooters against Orlando and Chicago, someone who could knock down big shots… who wasn’t Big Baby Davis, for God’s sake. Sheed’s ice cold and if he needs to, can work in the paint and actually do the dirty work… provided he’s motivated to, and we’ll assume for now he is. Range is something that’s been limited for the Celtics. Davis can hit from 14-in, Garnett’s got a notch more range, Allen can rain from the outside, but he won’t be taking his man off the dribble that often anymore. He’s still got a burst or two, but Jesus is primarily giving sacrament downtown these days. Sheed gives them kind of an inverse Garnett. Bigger, with more range, not as much acumen, as much handle. More than anything, Sheed just feels like he belongs on this squad. We’ll see if Sheed’s got enough tricks left to make the BIG difference.

Lemon Face: “This team should be considered the rightful heir to the Eastern crown.”

Age is not an ankle sprain. It’s not something that just goes away. It chips at you. We’ve seen athletes start to accumulate injuries, and snowball, on the floor fewer and fewer minutes. And yet, I’m supposed to believe that the Rottweiler with gray hair, hobbling down the sidewalk is in better position than the poodle that chewed the Rottweiler’s throat out? I certainly understand the idea. The Celtics pushed Orlando to 7 before getting annihilated (something Celtics fans pretend never happened), and were without Garnett. So add Garnett, and they’re better. Pretty simple. But for two problems. The problems the Celtics faced were not easily solved with Garnett, but we’ll let that one slide and rely on KG’s “intensity” or whatever. But there’s no reason to suspect this team will snap right back to 2008 without the use of 1.21 jigowatts. It’s not just Garnett’s injury, which he’s supposedly fully recovered from, despite all the limping and hobbling and limited minutes. It’s Pierce’s hobbling, the Allen injury undisclosed, and the sheer number of age crossed with the unavoidable toll the game takes. And please keep in mind that the Lakers swept this team last year. I think it’s entirely possible for Rondo to continue progressing and for the others to have enough left in the tank. But it’s going to take great coaching from Rivers, which he hasn’t shown himself capable of yet (the 07-08 season was essentially “Big 3, please win, thanks.” and saying Ubuntu a lot).  It’s going to take ego management from a team that is progressively more and more loaded with pride. And most of all, it’s going to take time not taking its toll that it likely should, and bodies sustaining wear and tear in good form. Every championship takes a bit of luck. The Celtics will need more than their fair share, Ubuntu or not.

New Jersey Nets

Lion Face: Devin Harris has to be somehow better than last year.

Harris was good last year. He was. He is, I mean. Very good. But many of the weaknesses present last year will not be cured, but at least be alleviated by progression and addition. Terrence Williams, a capable rookie scorer. Lopez with another year of progression, and that guy’s A-List right now. Yi… okay,we don’t know what the hell we’re getting from Yi. But Courtney Lee? Chris Douglas Roberts, AKA The Lava? Okay, it ain’t much, but it’s a bit. And more than anything, Harris has no option. The franchise is on the brink. Things look good, don’t get me wrong. You have the 1 and 5 figured out long-term, and those are the two hardest spots to fill. But the eye on the prize is a 2010 jackpot. And the only way to accomplish that is to prove that the Nets are going places, not stuck in neutral, rebuilding for season after season, is to show promise. I’m not talking .500, playoffs, even 35 wins. I’m saying Harris has to make this team look like a team a superstar wants to play for, in a brand new arena, in Brooklyn (God willing, if you’re into that type of thing).

But where’s Harris going to improve? He came in 11th in the league in usage, but you can’t really say he needs to share the ball more. He was 10th in the league* in AST%, with definitively the worst set of supporting players of anyone in the top 20. (T.J. Ford has Danny Granger. In Devin Harris’ world, he is Danny Granger. Passing to himself has thus far proved ineffective. Well, for the most part.) The argument could be made that he actually needs to shoot more, despite clocking in 21.2 points per 36. He wound up at 18th, which is pretty damn good, but if we’re looking for places to improve, you can’t go wrong with shooting more. I guess. Because that often leads to people thinking highly of you. He came in at 37th in field goal attempts, and 49th in true shooting percentage at 56%. Of course, that may have been because of injury and everyone else leaving their man in waves to try and stop the only legitimately good player on the floor besides Vince Carter (due to Brook being green). But then, Vince Carter’s gone, gone, gone.

Maybe Harris can just do what he did last year and the rest of the team can develop and it’ll be enough to turn the tide. But if the Nets want to be set for a major acquisition, they need the move to go through, Terrence Williams to turn out, and Harris to be the elite kind of player waiting to play next to a superstar. Such are the things dreams are made of. I think Jay-Z said that. Maybe not. I get confused.

Lemon Face: This team isn’t worth watching until 2010.

Oh, they’ll be bad, no doubt. But I don’t just say this as a guy who constantly roots for the underdog, the under-examined, the routinely passed over in favor of good teams. There are reasons to watch the Nets. The Kings last year? Even Kevin Martin couldn’t make them watchable. I’m still not entirely convinced Ziller hasn’t gone blind because of it. I’m relatively certain that the NBA actually tried to make their games on later to try and inflict as little pain as possible on the rest of the country. So there are teams that are unwatchable. But the Nets will not be so this year, and it’s more than just an NY-like flavor of “fun, but meaningless, like a Michael Bay film.” They’re actually building towards something. and more than just a foundation. Harris-Lopez and either Yi/CDR/Williams should work out. That’s a core. And in that city, all you need is a core to land the big fish. I’m mixing metaphors, which means it’s time to move on.

New York Knicks

Lion Face: They’re on a road to nowhere.

The Knicks are almost admirably going nowhere. They’re traveling, there’s no doubt. They have velocity. Al Harrington is a better player than given credit for, because people expect him to be something he’s not. Wilson Chandler, same deal. David Lee got hosed by the universe this summer. They have wheels, a motor, an undercarriage, even cupholders (Jared Jeffries in this metaphor). But they’re not going anywhere. This season might as well not exist. And there’s something actually kind of interesting in that. It’s frustrating for Knicks fans who are smart enough to see the stress fractures cracking down and down, and mock-worthy for pundits who measure everything in “Are you a top market team winning 60 games? Then nothing you do matters.” But that doesn’t make them uninteresting. However, they can be as interesting as they want, they’re still not going anywhere, any time soon.

Lemon Face: David Lee isn’t worth a swing from anyone.

His PER was one point off of last year. His numbers were all up from the year before. He’s coachable. He works hard. He’s a guy you can plug into any team. And yet no one, no one, no one wanted to take a swing at him over the summer as an RFA? They let him dangle out there before having to crawl back to the Knicks? I’m not saying he’s an All-Star or a go-to scorer, but aren’t reliable guys you can count on to show up and compete something to value? Oh, no, that’s right, what’s really important is if you got hot from the arc for three weeks in the playoffs. Got it.

Philadelphia 76ers:

Lion Face: The words “advanced weaponry” and “Sixers” shoot not be used together in a sentence without the phrase “utter lack of.”

I’m not the biggest Andre Miller fan, as a matter of fact, I feel like he’s probably going to wind up being the last chick in the bar for the Blazers. As in, there’s a reason she’s the last chick left in the bar, but anyone looks hot at 2AM after 10 car bombs. But you’re still losing a capable, dare we say talented veteran point guard for Louis Williams, losing Reggie Evans on the glass, and turning over all the reins to Iggy. And hey, I’m too harsh on Iggy. But tell me the idea of running the entire offense through him isn’t the least bit Vince Carter pre-Kidd-ish. Throw in the fact that we have no idea how Brand’s going to look, and if I’m in Sixers white I’m chain smoking and twitching like Birdman two years ago.

Lemon Face: Sixer’s got no hold on the glass.

Okay, yes, they struggled last year on the defensive boards (25th in defensive rebounding percentage). And they lose Reggie Evans. And Elton Brand may or may not be on the verge of a complete mental breakdown if something else goes wrong in his career. But bear in mind that Brand still has an elite big man capability. That’s not just his potential. That’s his baseline. Dalembert is tall. And tall people get rebounds. Thaddeus Young is going to continue to develop at the three spot, and that’s all before we get to Mareese Speights and the long-armed dragon of the East. So I feel pretty good in saying the Sixers are going to get their glass back this season. Which is good because points won’t come as consistently.

Toronto Raptors

Lion Face: Andrea Bargnani has got to learn to rebound or walk the damn plank.

I’m an Il Mago acolyte. Seven foot Italian dude who works, can drive, and has an 18 foot jumper that looks like molten silk cascading down a glacier (okay, that was too much, sorry, I get drunk on Bargnani)? I’m all about it. But he won’t be taken seriously if he doesn’t up the boards. He averaged 6.1 boards per 36 last year, so I can’t say he’s got to jump exponentially, but anything short of 9 is unacceptable, and it’s going to take a consistent double-double to really cement his legitimacy. His inability to control the glass adds to the “soft-Euro” tag he’s earned. Bargnani’s got some moxie, some gasoline in the belly, some fight. But he manages to lose position and has succumbed to his offensive impulses too much. The Raptors are stacked top to bottom, but talent wins regular season games, fundamentals separate the mighty from the eager. Bargnani’s been good. He’s got to be mighty.

Lemon Face: This team made a lot of noise but doesn’t really have a chance at competing in the East.

It blows my mind to see the additions the Raptors made shrugged off as if they were nothing, to treat the massive backstep they took last season as an inevitable vulnerability instead of an anomaly. Nothing went right for that team. It’s like the Bulls from 07-08 gave them whatever suck-flu they had. But the Raptors still have a legit All-Star in Chris Bosh, a seven foot shooting machine in Bargs, a talented and capable point guard in Jose Calderon, and a coach that seemed to connect with. They added Hedo Turkoglu who went from being one of the most underrated guys in the league before last year, to one of the most overrated because of his market value, to again being underrated as national pundits leaped to down him because of his age and flaws. Valid concerns, but not worth discounting the enormous number of positive things he brings to a team. Throw in Reggie Evans on the glass, rookie points from DeMar DeRozanadanna, Jarret Jack not having to be a top level guy (seriously, switch out Jason Kapono with Jarret Jack. WIN!), and the slight possibility of Marco Bellinellis “getting it” (horrible preseason). This is a team that has the potential to gel and compete for a top five seed in the East. People doubted Orlando till they did it. Toronto’s in the same position now, with the added motivation to try and keep Bosh around. Make the doubters hurt, Raps.

_{*Players with >15.0 PER and <800 minutes played}