Los Angeles Lakers

Lion Face: I hate you.

The Lakers are good. Scary good. Despite my initial thoughts about the roster’s combustibility after the addition of Ron Artest, I’m now convinced that this team is destined to take the world by storm, change the course of rock and roll forever, and temporarily make mop top hair cuts an “it” thing. That is, until they rediscover themselves mid-season, buy into Phil Jackson’s Far East-inspired teachings, and redefine the greatness that they’ve already redefined. Ugh.

Is there really any team in the league that can compete with the Lakers’ rotation of bigs? Pau Gasol is no dandy, regardless of how his play was misconstrued in his Memphis days. Andrew Bynum is still a solid pivot, despite the fact that we rather like critiquing his every move ’round these parts. And top those two off with a redeemed Lamar Odom and a hungry Ron Artest…well, here comes trouble.

Lemon Face: In Case of Fire, Run Away Screaming as Fast as You Can

Despite the fact that my gut feeling thinks this whole Artest situation will somehow run smoothly, it’s undeniable that he can muck up a few things. In L.A. we have a situation similar to Cleveland, although slightly complicated by the loss of a pivotal piece: Trevor Ariza. Ariza is not a great player, and I’m hesitant to hurl too much praise of a guy who couldn’t create a shot if he was given a blueprint and a shopping list. But he was indispensable during the Lakers’ championship run, and they needed some way to replace his contributions after the squabbles between him and L.A. destroyed any chance of a happy return.

The Lakers did that and then some by adding Artest. Of course that “and then some” includes a bit of offensive aptitude, but also the baggage that comes along with CRAZY PILLS. Two words: snake eggs. A few more: the self-anointed savior of any possession he deems as failed. If Ron-Ron can keep his instincts in check offensively and not try to do too much, the triangle will serve him well. If not, then sit back and watch just how far the ripples go.

Los Angeles Clippers

Lion Face: Where There’s Blake, There’s Hope

I’ll admit it: there was a dark time in my life where I was a staunch Anti-Griffinite. I just didn’t think his athleticism would measure up against real NBA competition. I tell you this with the acknowledgment that if I were to come in sudden ownership of a flux capacitor, I would go back into the past and kick my own ass. Griffin is as f’real as f’real gets, and he’ll make basketball fun again for the league’s most unfortunate fan base.

Not to mention Baron Davis. I can’t say with absolute certainty what burst Boom’s bubble last season, but I have a nagging suspicion that it was a gent named Mike Dunleavy. Their styles are oil and water, and that was painfully apparent to everyone aside from Dunleavy himself. But Eric Gordon has already made strides and Griffin is about to take his biggest one with his first NBA action. These are the kind of players the can make the game fun again not only for fans and viewers, but for their teammates. Add in the return of Chris Kaman and this is a surprisingly interesting team…something rarely said of those under the Clipper banner.

Lemon Face: What New Toy?

Credit the basketball gods, fate, or a crazy witch doctor that Mike Dunleavy wronged many years ago, but none of it will change the fact that Blake Griffin could miss up to six weeks of meaningful basketball. The Clips had an uphill battle of getting into the playoffs this season, but a hill is now a mountain.

Not only does Griffin’s injury seriously impact the Clippers’ playoff chances, but there’s nothing fun about having to wait for the first pick in the draft to play ball. We’ve experienced it before with Greg Oden, and though early signs indicate that Blake’s injury isn’t even in the same boat, to me there’s the same level of disappointment. I want to see Blake Griffin bashing heads TODAY, and having to wait even a few weeks longer just seems cruel at this point. But until I get my doctorate in experimental medicine, my hands are tied.

Sacramento Kings

Lion Face: Tyreke Evans, Eater of Souls

Regardless of whether or not you like Tyreke Evans as a point guard, you have to like his particular set of skills. He was a tremendous defender in college, and his explosiveness and finishing ability warrant rousing from the couch with a yell or yawp of some sort. Maybe he won’t make life easy for the rest of the Kings just yet through his pure playmaking, but the same could be said of Tony Parker. Both can create with the drive, and though ‘Reke doesn’t have anything resembling pro-level court vision just yet, he has time, and he has slack. This guy is a monster when attacking the rim, and if he can politely inform defenses of that fact with a big slamma jamma, they’ll be forced to account for him at all times. THAT’S when the floor starts to open up for him. The double teams, the zones, and the counters will all eventually be geared to stop Evans from getting into the paint, and it’s his job to recognize those situations. Trust, people. Evans could be special.

Lemon Face: The Hardest Thing to Do In This World Is to Live in It.

The Kings are an awful team. Coming from a guy that sends periodic love letters to Kevin Martin, that should mean something. Fast forward a few years into the future, and this core could really be something. Tyreke Evans may have truly come into his own by then, dominating the game in Rose-ian or Early Wade-ian fashion. Maybe the starting small forward will actually be a small forward and actually in the team’s long term plans. Maybe the bench will be more than just Francisco Garcia. Maybe Spencer Hawes and Jason Thompson will form one of the most formidable front courts in the league, taking turns battling Bynum and Oden and the like.

That’s all well and good, and I’m confident they’ll get there (and still holding out hope for Donte Greene!). But this is 2009, and the Kings just don’t have it in them.

Golden State Warriors

Lion Face: That’s So Folk Rock

Steph Curry has all the makings of a folk hero. I’m not certain that he’ll ever be  a top tier NBA player or anything apart from an above-average scorer, but his charm and sweet shooting make him a man of the people. He’s destined for a long career of timely shots and game-winning stretches, even if he gives back most of what he scores on the defensive end. Those shots tend to stick with people, and it won’t be long before Curry is immortalized in songs and epic poems, or until murals of him are hung in homes and taverns alike. I don’t think these Warriors are even worth saving at this point, but Curry could be a key in eventually restoring their rep after The Fall.

Lemon Face: Eli’s Coming

Trouble is brewing in Oakland, and it’s only a matter of time before everything comes crashing down. Stephen Jackson’s cries for help have been well publicized, and he’ll be off the Warriors as soon as a team is dense enough to okay that contract. But in the meantime, you have a coach who only cares a quarter of the time, a starting shooting guard at point guard who refuses to play with the team’s prized first round pick out of principle, Corey Maggette, Brandan Wright out with injury, little in the way of reasonable, tradeable assets, and just about $52 million in contracts guaranteed for next season. I know the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, but this is getting ridiculous.

Phoenix Suns

Lion Face: The Way We Were

The Suns should be back to Seven Seconds or Less basketball, and even though the faces have changed, the game remains the same. Steve Nash is still the best in the biz when it comes to operating in that offense, and he’ll still shine in leading the Suns to score a gagillion points. Nash isn’t just the perfect point guard for this offense, but the perfect leader; Steve’s tireless work ethic is exactly what’s needed to build the endurance necessary to play fast breaking basketball. Also, Amare Stoudemire will be wearing goggles. Tell me that’s not awesome?

Lemon Face: The Way We Were…Without Shawn Marion or Joe Johnson or Boris Diaw or Several Years of Steve Nash’s Youth

This team is far worse defensively than it used to be, and with an offense that’s not quite up to snuff. The Suns will be able to outscore teams with their running game, but not as frequently or as demonstratively as they did during their glory days. The Suns had some strong perimeter defenders during their hayday (Marion, Johnson, Raja Bell), but now those responsibilities will fall upon the adequate but perfectly average shoulders of Jason Richardson, Leandro Barbosa, and Grant Hill. There won’t be a ridiculous offense to build a points cushion, and there won’t be a passable defense to help the team tread water for stretches despite their pace.