Ladies and gentlemen, the stylings of TIME Magazine’s Most Influentialest Man Evereverever, and fifteen time winner of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, not to mention recent Nobel Prize Winner and YOUR faaaaaaavorite actor, Mr. Ben Affleck.

Indiana Pacers

Lion Face: Youth! Talent! Oi! Oi! Oi!

Joke all you want about Tyler Hansbrough, but the Pacers have a ton of interesting young pieces. You know Danny Granger. Neat fella, loves Bat Caves. But T.J. Ford isn’t a bad point to have when he’s not looking over his shoulder. Roy Hibbert is ready to make his presence felt in the NBA. Brandon Rush is a capable wingman that can work in any style imaginable. Forget for a moment that they’re wasting time with Dahntay Jones and Earl Watson. This Pacers team has a little something to it, and if Jim O’Brien works his magic, this could be a playoff team. Yes, I’m serious. But don’t blame me when Ford misses half the year with injury and another Earl Watson turnover sends Danny G to Arkham.

Lemon Face: Yo Dawg, I Heard Mike Dunleavy’s Knee Likes Being Hurt, So We Put a Knee Brace On His Knee Brace’s Knee Brace

Mike Dunleavy’s hurt, and he’s hurt bad. It’s a shame too; the last time MDJr was really healthy, he was terrific for these Pacers. Dun’s capable of being a hot-shooting and playmaking 2 guard, which I hear is a hot commodity in those run-and-gun offense you whippersnappers are running these days. Not to mention the fact that the guy holding the ball in that offense, talented and speedy though he may be, is stricken with puppy love for his sub-par jump shot and tries to score more than most point guards.

But instead of that do-it-all shooting guard, the Pacers will turn to somehow still inconsistent Brandon Rush, the shot-happy Luther Head, and the poor-shooting, overly physical, still completely ineffective…thing that is Dahntay Jones. Not exactly an ideal situation in terms of shooting guard depth.

Detroit Pistons

Lion Face: They Got Ben Gordon!

Ben Gordon is coming off the high point of his career, and it was his intent to get PAID. I can’t blame him, but I can hate teams foolish enough to ink him to that contract. Oh it’s been said, many times, many ways here on Hardwood Paroxysm, but let me lay it out for you: Ben Gordon will lose you games. He’ll keep you in some and win a few outright with a hot streak, but this is a player who will dominate the ball during crucial stretches and lose games by himself. He just isn’t efficient or versatile enough offensively to be a true threat to take over the game. (And this was supposed to be the Lion Face…oh, Ben, you just get me all riled up.)

They also nabbed Charlie Villanueva, who just may be the patron saint of HP. If this site had a mission statement, it would read something like this: “To praise and honor that most unbeloved of tweener forward, the big man oozing with potential but lacking in dominance, the lad laced with power and yet somehow lacking of it. These are the players will inherit the league, the world, the universe, and we will praise them in their brilliant (if frustrating) glory.” Amen to that. Charlie V is a ton of fun to watch, and though I’m still a bit befuddled by the Milwaukee Bucks’ devious plan to just abandon one of their best players outside a corner store in Detroit, I’m pleased that someone was willing to make a commitment to this cat.

Lemon Face: They Got Ben Gordon.

Guys, guys, guys, I’ve got a great idea. So let’s go out and get a ball-dominating, self-righteous shooting guard with a Napoleon complex. No, no, it won’t be like that Allen Iverson experiment, I SWARE. Gordon and Rip will happily support each other as they attempt to slit each other’s throats for minutes, and I’m sure this won’t affect our ability to develop Stuckey or Bynum whatsoever. I’m seeing bright lights and championship rings, friends. GET READY WORLD, BECAUSE HERE COME THE PISTONS!

Cleveland Cavaliers

Lion Face: The Rich Get Shaqier, the Poor Lose Lots of Games

The Cavs offseason additions begin with Shaquille O’Neal, because he’s still a game changer. Even though Cleveland won’t feature him the same way Phoenix did, they’re also an absolutely splendid team with only the most basic needs of a little self-created interior scoring and a man to stand up to Dwight Howard. Shaq can do both of those things, even if he’s not 28.

That acquisition, in and of itself, may not have been enough to solidify the Cavs spot as the favorites in the East. But add Anthony Parker. Add Jamario Moon. Add the low-risk, high-reward Leon Powe. This team is absolutely, positively stacked in every sense of the word, and I haven’t even gotten around to mentioning that LeBron James guy.

Lemon Face: Is it a Home Run Swing When a Double Would Do?

I hate baseball metaphors, and I hate myself for using them. But that doesn’t make the terminology in “America’s pastime” any less applicable or rhetorically accessible. So pardon me for that headline, but there is a truth in it: Did the Cavs really need Shaq? I mean, really? There weren’t other adjustments to be made on the interior, y’know, ones that don’t involved centers with a track record for destroying even the most rock solid team chemistries? We all that the walls in Phoenix were impenetrable. The bond between Mike D’Antoni and Steve Nash was like two old friends, and the offense was just in sync. But add one Shaquille O’Neal to the mix, stir until thickened, and watch the fireworks. I’m not saying that trading for Shaq won’t turn out in the Cavs’ favor because for all I know, they just might win the whole thing. But there’s a certain volatility to the ingredients here, and it’d be a shame to see a family masquerading as a team implode based on a miscalculation.

Milwaukee Bucks

Lion Face: Moving in a definite direction is a good thing.

The Bucks needed to shed some salary, and that meant Richard Jefferson had to go. It also likely means that Michael Redd will be out of his home, sweet NBA home by the trade deadline. Rather than fiddling around in a cess pool of mediocrity, The Skiles Bunch seems focused on rebuilding through internal development, maximization of talents available, and clearing cap. It’s the right way to do things, folks, and though it occasionally leads to handing Kirk Hinrich a pretty substantial contract extension, it’s a much more effective plan than the league’s usual ‘get rich quick’ schemes. You’re not going to trade up from the middle of the Eastern Conference into championship contention on a whim, and given the personnel and financial situation weighing down the Bucks, they made the smart choice.

Lemon Face: It doesn’t mean they’ll make the playoffs.

The Bucks now have honorable intentions, but we can’t expect things to get better overnight. For one, the point guard situation should be the league’s running punchline. I love Jennings more than most, and to me he has star written all over him. But I’m positive of the fact that he’s not ready to play the lead for a playoff team, no matter how uncompetitive the bottom of the Eastern Conference is. Otherwise, ‘Waukee will turn its lonely eyes to the likes of Luke Ridnour and Roko Ukic. If anyone could kindly point out to me which of those three will be even a semi-successful defender (and I’m talking outright, not relative to expectations) this season, then by all means. But an inability to defend the point guard position is going to be a problem against, oh, almost every team in the league. It’s huge.

But beyond that, this is a team that just doesn’t really make much sense offensively or defensively at the moment. There are interesting parts, most notably a fine collection of role players, but there doesn’t seem to be any kind of cohesive offensive strategy aside from letting Michael Redd do his thing. Jenning can create, but Rokonour aren’t exactly the best distributors in the world. That leaves an underwhelming offensive outfit to fend for themselves, and as much as I like Carlos Delfino, Hakim Warrick and the like, that plan is doomed. DOOMED.

Chicago Bulls

Lion Face: Derrick Rose Is The Answer/The Future/The Divine Truth

If you want reason #1 why Chicago was comfortable with letting go of Ben Gordon it’s because he’s not worth that much money. BUT, if you wanted reason #2, it would be Derrick Rose.

I’m not entirely sure if Rose is ready to run the Bulls’ offense as the primary offensive weapon, but apparently some folks in Chicago are. Keep in mind they’re also the people that decided Vinny Del Negro would make a fine head coach…but I’m willing to grant them a little latitude on this one. Aesthetically, I just love Rose’s game. Sometimes he’s smooth, and at others he’s herky-jerky, but his driving style is shockingly effective due to his tremendous length and crazy athleticism. Those are the traits that make point guards fun. It’s why we love Russell Westbrook and generally undervalue Ramon Sessions. Sessions is quick and a solid point man, but come on, CAN HE DUNK? WILL HE MAKE ANDRE MILLER LOOK LIKE HE’S ROLLER SKATING ON MARBLES? We want our stars to be spectacular, and Rose has spectacle down pat.

Lemon Face: None of it means a damn thing.

The Bulls are absolutely, 100% playoff worthy. They’ll make it to the postseason, and they’ll have the very distinct pleasure of failing to live up to the hype from last year’s epic Bulls-Celtics throwdown. There won’t be any punches to the face, or shoves into the scorer’s table. Just the Magic, the Celtics, or the Cavs using the Bulls as a speed bump on their path to glory. In order to escape this fate, Luol Deng would pretty much need to become an absolute stud, Tyrus Thomas would need to stay motivated and within himself, and Rose would have to rise to even greater heights. The last is obviously the most possible, but can we really imagine a world where Deng is anything more than slightly above pedestrian as a scorer? He’s competent, and his midrange jumper can be a weapon. But that 2006-’07 playoff run you have in the back of your mind? Fluke. Major fluke.