Larry Brown Returns to Rooster Town
Charlotte @ New York – 7:00

People in New York hate Larry Brown, mainly because he was part of the Isiah Error Era. So it’s always good times for the family when he shows up to MSG. More importantly, Coach Pringles Face is talking about starting Danilo Gallinari. Some Knicks fans love The Rooster and think he’s the next Dirk. Some hate him and think he’s the next douchebag they will mercilessly boo out of town. Either way, the Knicks suck. As do the Bobcats. But we’re dealing with Seven Seconds or Mess here so possessions will be on a hundred thousand trillion, which will make watching the horrible Bobcat offense repeatedly go against the horrible Knick defense on one end while also watching the the ‘Bockers launch three after three after three after three against a fairly decent Cats D … er … entertaining? Yeah. Entertaining. We’ll go with that.

UPDATE: I was just made aware that I’m a big idiot because this game will occur in Charlotte. (Thanks, @BandwagonKnick) I think I saw “TV: MSG” and presumed that was the building not the network. Jagoff of the Day Award goes to me. I’d like to thank my family, my agent and Jesus for giving me the strength to be so misinformed.

David Stern: “Fine. The Bucks Can Play, Too.”
Milwaukee @ Philadelphia – 7:00

The Bucks are the only team that has not been mathematically eliminated from going both 82-0 or 0-82. In layman’s terms, that means they haven’t played yet. I’m not sure why. Joe Budden was probably involved. Either that or Bogut is just now remembering to set his watch ahead to Not Outback Steakhouse Standard Time. Their opponent, the Sixers, got Hulk smashed the other night by an Orlando three-point blitzkrieg and, honestly, I’ve already written them off for the year. I don’t like Andre Igoudala outside of the dunk contest and Elton Brand is the most boring player in the league. Marreese Speights, however, absolutely went off out of nowhere the other night with 26 points on 11 shots (10/11 from the floor, 6/8 from the line) and, in the process, convinced the intertubes community that he has the chance to make an impact on the league this year other than challenging Walter Herrmann in the superfluous letters in a name per minute category. But who am I kidding, here? We all know I’m lede-burying the real reason you should watching this game: Brandon Jennings. There were some Twitter reports that he might even have dreadlocks tonight. Video cameras are still not yet allowed in the state of Wisconsin (it dates back to an ordinance involving witches) so this remains unconfirmed (i.e., I’m too lazy to fact check it). So you’re just gonna hafta tune in to find out. (That’s how you cliffhanger ‘em, Moore. Take notes.)

#HIBACHI #HIBACHI #HIBACHI #HIBACHI #HIBACHI
Washington @ Atlanta – 7:30

Remember Gilbert Arenas? According to legend, he once took the hoops world by storm, blogging his inner thoughts on everything from shark tanks to black presidents, hitting game winners like Ike hit Tina and even writing the intro to a book called FreeDarko Presents The Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac (buy it). Sure, that was a loooong time ago — back in a simpler age when Greg Oden was merely a spry octogenarian missing game-losing free throw attempts on peach baskets. But, guess what? Gilbert is back. And, oh yeah, Atlanta is pretty fun too. Al Horford destroyed the Pacers the other night (24 pts, 16 boards, 4 dimes, 2 blocks). Josh Smith dunks like he’s in a Jet Li flick. And the front office added both Jamal Crawford and Jeff Teague to a back court that already featured Joe Johnson and Mike Bibby — something that will either turn out to be an amazing or horrible idea, with little chance for middle ground. And if that’s not enough, this game will probably foreshadow the late-season battle for the fourth seed in the East.

The Flint Michigan MegaBowl
Oklahoma City @ Detroit – 8:00

Quite the role reversal for these two franchises. Just like you in high school, everyone hates the Pistons. And just like me, everyone has Thunder fever. (That’s what these kids call The Clap nowadays, right?) No one knows what Joe Dumars is doing in Detroit, spending a ton of money to assemble a roster that isn’t built to contend now or in the future. These guys have four or five seed upside and three to six playoff wins written all over them for the next half decade. Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, Sam Presti has a young nucleus that is the envy of many a fanbase. If I were to use a simple, inappropriate and barely relevant analogy to describe this situation (which I will proceed to do momentarily), the Pistons would be GM, a once proud brand struggling to remake itself in the face of a changing competitive environment, and the Thunder would be WE MAKE GIANT HOMICIDAL FUTURISTIC ROBOTS, LLC, INCORPORATED, a mom-and-pop killer robot boutique.

Guard Your Wallets, Eh
Toronto @ Memphis – 8:00

I like Allen Iverson. A lot. Always have. Always will. So I’m one of the few people looking forward to watching Memphis all year. Rudy Gay isn’t amazing, but he’s interesting. And OJ Mayo might be a stud. The Grizz looked terrible against Detroit in their opener and will probably look terrible again tonight, but I think this team will be fun to watch in the long run. Or at least fun to look at, if that makes any sense. Toronto, on the contrary, is not interesting whatsoever. I probably won’t watch five of their games this season and, yes, that’s mainly cause I think consider all Europeans to be either Nazis or Gypsies. Or Nazi Gypsies.

If This Game Doesn’t Interest You, Kill Yourself
Chicago @ Boston – 8:00

The Bulls and Celtics played the best playoff series of all time last Spring. If you don’t want to watch this game, I don’t know what to tell you. But if that’s the case, here’s what you should do: Put a shopping back around your head and then tie on Joakim Noah’s bow tie as tight as you can. Then go jump in the same Olympic-sized pool where KG rehabbed his knee all summer. Or, better yet, try to recreate the Great Chicago Fire in your apartment while watching Celtic Pride. Either way.

Lopez v. Dwight — Not VC v. NJ
Orlando @ New Jersey – 8:00

Dwight Howard vs. Brook Lopez is going to be the best center showdown in the East for at least the next three seasons, and don’t let anyone else tell you different. People love to talk about how well Kendrick Perkins guards Supes, but Dwight isn’t a great scorer to begin with so it’s not like that is particularly compelling television. And Shaq vs. Dwight is going to be much more interesting to the Around the Horn crew than it will be to me. But Brook is a maestro of the pivot. He rocks the block. Dude can score in the post is what I’m trying to say. And Dwight can jump like 35 feet in the air. So on at least four or five occasions this evening, we will get to watch Brook make a nice move to create some space and get off a mini jump hook or some other shot from the paint and then get to see Dwight try to knock it out the damn sky. That will be fun. And, oh yeah, there’s also Vince vs. NJ in the Meadowlands. Whatever. Trying to pretend that Vince is out for revenge on New Jersey is as plausible as me seeking revenge on the state of Ohio for that one time I was there and lost my cell phone. Fact is, I barely recall what that state looked like and am for the first time in ages remembering that that ever even happened — much like Vince’s time in the Garden State.

Tyreke, CP3 and Eight Other Guys
Sacramento @ New Orleans – 8:00

Hardwood Paroxysmers Matt Moore and Zach Harper are having an ongoing The Bachelor-like contest to see who can win the undying affections of Tyreke Evans. I don’t watch NCAA nor preseason NBA basketball, so I barely even know who he is. Still, those guys love Reke so he is worth a gander. I’ve heard he eats souls and is the Rookie of the Year favorite now that Blake Griffin has officially been Clipper cursed. I’ve heard New Orleans also has a serviceable point guard, however, and after the national TV embarrassment the Hornets took the other night against the Spurs, you have to imagine that even a low-firepower offense like NOLA’s will come out hungry. Who will score? I dunno. CP3 will get his and David West is a rock. Other than that, the offense looks like a mess. It will be interesting to see how Emeka fits in and whether or not my man-crush on Julian Wright is based on anything aside from me being an idiot. Please start scoring buckets like I told people you would, Julian.

Bring Down the 25-Point Baskets
Miami @ Indiana – 8:00

I’m a Pacers fan. Don’t waste your time. Indy had 25 turnovers against Atlanta the other night and Dwyane Wade and Mario Chalmers finished second and fourth in the league last year, respectively, in steals per game. Then again, the Pacers defense is a sieve so Flash might get 50. That would be fun to watch. We also have Jermaine O’Neal once again returning to play in Conseco Fieldhouse. That’s always a joyous occasion, and JO was actually 2004-like production-wise in Miami’s opener, posting 22 and 12 on just 12 shots. Sure, that was against the Knicks. But these are the Pacers. And who knows, maybe Q-Rich will get traded to Indiana at half-time like this was a Rock N’ Jock game. It’s not that out of the question, honestly. Dan Cortese could probably start in the Pacers back court.

OMG!!!11!! ClEveLAnD iSN”T evan GOnna mAKE PlaYOOffSSS!!!11!!!!ONE!!11
Cleveland @ Minnesota – 8:00

The Cavs are 0-2. Shaq and Big Z playing at the same time is comical. LeBron cannot be thrilled. Anthony Parker is Anthony Parker. Still, it’s only 0-2 so let’s all calm down. Although, if Cleveland can’t easy dispatch the TWolves tonight then, yes, EVERYBODY PANIC. For Minny’s part, they looked feisty in the opener as they came back to beat the Nets on the strength of some Jonny Flynn cojones. I like this kid. If the Wolves have any chances of making the playoffs, which they don’t, they will need Flynn to keep this up until at least Al Jeff plays himself back into form. Plus, Kevin Love is awesome on Twitter so it’s always fun to know what he’s talking about after the game.

Beards, Guns and Steel
Los Angeles Clippers @ Utah – 9:00

I don’t care what type of advanced stats you want to use to pick apart Baron Davis’ game; the man has an amazing beard. It’s science. Eric Gordon can flat out score. He has a bowling ball-shaped head and  apparently can’t grow sideburns, but he has a gorgeous jumpshot and can also get to the rack. And Chris Kaman likes guns and explosions. I like the Clippers. Utah has pretty much the same roster it has had for the past four years minus Matt Harpring and plus Eric Maynor, who I like based on no empirical facts other than his VCU team beat Duke in March Madness that one year. Let’s face it: Duke sucks.

Corey Hart Approved
Golden State @ Phoenix – 10:00

Ooooweeee. Run. Lola. Run. This is where dreams are made. Nash is back swimming with sharks, but he’s faster than sharks, so it’s not a big deal. He’s just like you, but 10 times better. The Dubs have America’s darlings in Anthony, Anthony, Stephen and Stephen (Randolph, Morrow, Curry and Jackson, respectively, with Cpt. Jack only included cause I just now noticed that 50% of GSW’s 8-man rotation is comprised of two first names and not cause anyone in America considers him a darling — although he is big in Japan). Golden State put on a great show against the Rockets the other night and have just the right blend of raw talent, inexperience and lineup mismanagement that will probably help turn all of their early season games into roller-coaster rides of enjoyment. Getting back to the Suns, they are running again, but with mainly the same core guys you have seen minus Shaq, of course, and plus Channing Frye. Also, Amaré now plays in sunglasses.

Screw This Game
Dallas @ Los Angeles Lakers

This game. Screw it.