Late? What do you mean, late?

Reasons to Watch the Games of the National Basketball Association Tonight

Hey, You’ve Got To Hide Your Offense Away (Denver at Indiana 7PM EST)

The Pacers aren’t bad. They really aren’t. They’re just unfathomably mediocre. They’re painfully meh. I have hope, given Hibbert and Batman and all, but so far, they’re not getting development from Hibbert or Rush, and that’s killing them. Denver, on the other hand, looks better than last year. And last year was more of a team effort. Go figure. Anthony’s at a 35.89 Usage clip right now. He’s blowing away Billups in that regard. And he’s making every single possession count. Speaking of Billups, I was about to say Billups isn’t having a great year. Then I checked. He’s at 62.4% True Shooting with a 4.0 AS:TO ratio. So yeah, long story short Denver’s off a rest day, so there will likely be violence tonight.

The Deepest Rivalries Are Those Where Only One Side Thinks It’s A Rivalry (Washington at Cleveland, 7PM EST)

Man, do the Bullets hate the Cavs. And even though Cleveland probably has bigger emphasis on Boston or Orlando, the Cavs need to win to get back above .500. Cleveland comes in wounded but still dangerous. Meanwhile Washington has started hot and this is a “circling prey” scenario. Washington takes out Cleveland and all of a sudden the Wizards are a top team again. Fall to this bumbling squad and you’re the team that let Cleveland off the mat. The Wizards have been shooting a ridiculous 49% from 16-23 feet, which is likely to cool off. That might be their best bet tonight, though, as all their opportunities inside are going bye-bye with an angry Shaq inside. The Wizards need Arenas to get hot, Haywood to outwork O’Neal, and Caron Butler to play. If they don’t get a maximum early season effort, Cleveland’s going to overwhelm them with size.

Perhaps Now Is A Good Time To Inform You You Suck (Boston and Philadelphia, 7PM EST)

Philadelphia has the fourth best efficiency differential in the league. So basically, for every 100 teams they have the ball and 100 times their opponent has the ball, they’re outscoring teams by over 7 points. So that’s a pretty good start. Unfortunately, take a gander at who’s number on on them thar list. The Green Machine. I started off the weekend thinking that Orlando was the best team in the league. But like a great film, Boston keeps running back by my brain. And that team is just sick. Insane defense. Potent, versatile, dangerous offense. That team won’t go on a huge spurt that leaves you in the dust. Why? Because that prevents them from being close enough to bludgeon you with a rusty hammer. If the Sixers are going to survive tonight, they need to get a huge night from Thaddeus Young, who is playing terrific basketball right now. The Celtics actually do okay when guards have huge nights. But when frontcourt guys get loose and get buckets, that’s when they start to reel back a bit. If Pierce shuts down Young and the show falls on Iggy, wrap it up, kiddos.

He’s Going To Be A Frye Cook On Venus (Phoenix at Miami, 7:30 EST)

Miami is playing well. Don’t ask me how, we’re three games in. Phoenix is playing well, because, well, Channing Frye and Steve Nash, who owns your soul. Miami’s second on them thar list of efficiency differential, that’s how good they’ve been, winning contests by double digits. Joel Anthony looks good. Beasley has been quietly effective. Wade hasn’t even hit Nova, yet. The question is, what are you gonna do, brother, when the Channing Frye machine blows through you? Throw in a returning Jason Richardson and you have to think Phoenix has too many guns for the Heat. But we thought that about the Bulls, and everyone else Miami’s played. They’ll settle it on the beach tonight.

Who’s The Underdog, NOW, B*tch?! (Orlando at Detroit, 7:30PM EST)

Okay, surely, surely, SURELY now that Orlando is one of the best, playoff-tested, deep, star-studded, Finals-appearing teams in the league, they won’t have any trouble with Detroit. Sheed’s gone. Hamilton’s out. Billups is gone. And this incarnation of the Pistons has set off big blazing sirens all over Pistonsland. They can score. God knows, Ben Gordon can score. But V-Nuv hasn’t worked his way into the offense, and the Pistons have two players in the top 15 in Turnover Ratio. That said, Orlando hasn’t faced a team this good defensively yet (7th in def eff). That may be in part because, you know, they’ve blown gigantic holes in the defensive efficiency of every team they’ve played though. You want a reason to watch this one? Kwame Brown and Chris Wilcox versus Dwight Howard. Peace out, girl scouts.

Kobe’s 80th Shot At The Flu Game (Lakers at Thunder, 8PM EST)

Kobe’s not feeling well and may not play tonight. If he does, this is as good as an opportunity as he’s going to get for one of those magical flu-ridden performances everyone wants him to give even though it’s nearly impossible considering the level of athleticism in the NBA required today versus when Jordan did it, but whatvever. I need the Thunder to win this game not just because of my unending hatred of all things Laker, but because Zach and Jared said they’d buy me a cake if the Thunder get 46 wins. Unfortunately, the Thunder are succeptible to good post play, and Andrew Bynum smashy smashy all in they assie-assies.

Only The Good Die Young, Or Peak Too Early (Milwaukee at Chicago, 8PM EST)

The Bulls looked great against the Spurs. Then horrible in their next game, before putting up a great game against Miami that fell short because, well, all the things you’d suspect. The Bulls may end up winning more games than last year because Ben Gordon’s not there to suck up possessions, but they’re also going to lose games they won last year because of exactly what happened versus Miami. They didn’t have one dude to go out and take over. Deng tried, but he’s just not that type player, at least not yet. However, tonight, he should be able to have his way. But the reason to watch this game is Derrick Rose and the ankles of meth versus Brandon Jennings, the US Tour. Speed versus length, ability versus talent. Let’s get it on! This is better TV than Cavs-Wizards.

THE BRAKES! HIT THE BRAKES! (Utah at Dallas, 8:30PM EST)

Utah’s schedule from hell continues as they get Dallas who can beat anyone as they proved against the Lakers, on a back to back after getting their tails handed to them by Houston. The Utah effort should be much improved, so the issue will be if Utah can get physical enough to get Dallas out of that small ball rotation. Kidd working the pick and roll with Marion is going to be scary if they can work Marion at the 4. Millsap can’t defend Marion’s range, and Boozer can’t stop him inside. Meanwhile, Mehmet Okur gets to see what a good seven foot Euro that doesn’t rebound but can shoot looks like. So it’s kind of like the stealth bomber meeting a spaceship. I just made that up. Let’s move on.

There’s Nothing Cold As Ashes, After The Fire Is Gone (Atlanta at Portland, 10PM EST)

No one on either of these teams is hot. Joe Johnson was cooled by Mike Woodson (worst coach or worstest coach?). Josh Smith just simply cannot drill a J, which he needs at this point. Bibby’s got very little. Roy’s had himself some hot spells, but hasn’t been able to totally dominate a game, and the rest of the Blazers look bamboozled by all the changes. There’s talk of an “uneasiness’ in the locker room. Paranormal Activity? Nah, it’s just the ghost of last year’s chemistry, trying to scare them into caring. This one should be good, though, with matchup quandaries all over the game. Bibby-Blake, Fernandez-Crawford, Smith-OH GOD LAMARCUS MIGHT NOT PLAY THEY’RE SCREWED, and let’s not forget, Pryzbilla versus Pachulia. Oh, sweet glorious madness. Your embrace is like that of FRIED COOKIES DIPPED IN SYMPHONY! WAHOO!