It’s TNT NBA Thursday … And you know what that means … No blowouts ever.

Or maybe the exact opposite? Who can remember, honestly? Still, you will watch tonight’s games cause you are a hopeless NBA addict. Also, for the following reasons.

Me and Derrick Rose Sitting in a Tree
Chicago Bulls @ Cleveland Cavaliers – 8:00 pm

At some point, I’m going to have to break the news about me and Derrick Rose to Chris Paul. I hope he doesn’t take it too badly. I hate it when people cry. Do you just stand there silently? Pat her/him on the back? Laugh? And what is the deal with water coming out of their eyeballs, anyway? Hope that never happens to me. Meanwhile, Derrick Rose. He’s really, really, really good. Remember when him and Rondo were going Godzilla vs. King Kong ala Rampage in the Playoffs last year? That was awesome. Tonight it will be Rose vs. Mo Williams, which should be comical. We also get to see Delonte West back on national TV after an … interesting … offseason. Should be good to see him back for real, for real, if for nothing else so that we can stop talking about real issues like NBA players with depression and get back to the really important things in life: herpes jokes. Some dude named LeBron Jones or De La James or something should see some action as well, plus Shaq will go head-to-head with Joakim Noah’s pony tail while the Brazlian Joakim Noah, one Sideshow Varejao, will do his best to further convince me that Tyrus Thomas is merely the next Hakim Warrick. John Salmons is also listed as “probable” for having a sweet-ass goatee.

Tattoo-Off ’09
Utah Jazz @ San Antonio Spurs – 10:30 pm

Unless Mike Bibby is involved, you aren’t gonna see a Bad Tattoo-Off more badder than the bad tattoo battle that occurs when Richard Jefferson’s “RJ” takes on Deron Williams’ “Sex Panthro.” Which one is worse? It’s a question as old as time and IT WILL BE DECIDED TONIGHT — OR, IN S.A.P. — ESTA NOCHE. In other news, are the Spurs better than the Lakers and/or Denver? Is Carlos Boozer even trying anymore? Did Manu contract rabies and/or vampirism? Will Andei Kirilenko and his amazing new haircut go back to block-partying like it’s 2006 again? Did a long summer of rest help rejuvanate Tim Duncan for a legit title run? Am I asking way too many rhetorical questions? Find out the answers to all these — and more — tonight on TNT, the home of The Closer starring Kyra Sedgewick.