REASONS TO WATCH THE GAMES OF THE NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION TONIGHT:

DeShawn is Secretly LeBron’s Biggest Fan

Cleveland at Washington (7:00 EST)

What, are we not allowed to use Lady Gaga up in hurr?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: games between these two teams are a treat. Not only because they legitimately hate each other, but because most of the reasons why they legitimately hate each other are completely ridiculous. The playoff losses make sense, but at this point do they have any bearing whatsoever on these two teams’ rivalry status? It’s more about Jay-Z, DeShawn Stevenson’s mouth, Brendan Haywood pouring gasoline onto the flames, and LeBron James forcing the Wizards into a little brother complex. This is the best rivalry ever to hardly be about basketball, and somehow the end product is entertaining basketball nonetheless.

Still, if you ask me, DeShawn’s antics have a bit of a ‘picking on the one you like’ vibe. I’m not just sayin’ or just sayin’, I’m just sayin’.

How to Win Reputations and Influence Perceptions

New York at Indiana (7:00 EST)

It’s always a barrel of fun to watch Troy Murphy and Al Harrington match-up against one another. They’re essentially the same player, even if they play slightly different positions and have slightly varied skill sets (Murphy a tad better in the post, Harrington a tad better off the dribble). But evaluations of Murphy tend to range from deeming him an empty stat guy to merely average. Obviously his ridiculous contract comes into play there, but why was Harrington, pre-Warriors, at least, given more legitimacy? It’s amazing what playing for a contending team can do for one’s rep, even if Harrington merely spaced the floor for the bigger talents on those Pacers teams of old. Murphy, meanwhile, has dwindled away on the Dubs and the neo-Pacers, with his only fault being that the Warriors offered him too much money to be what he is: a decent role playing power forward with a bit of range. Can you even imagine what that guy could do if he was on the right team? On the Spurs, say, filling in for Bonner? Or the Magic, filling in for Ryan Anderson? Troy Murphy is a trade away from being considered a truly legitimate NBA player, but he’ll be forever trapped on a shallow Pacers squad that desperately needs his contributions in the frontcourt. Harrington has had a completely different experience in terms of opportunity, but has failed repeatedly in his attempts to find a home post-Pacers. I think Al has dirtied his image enough with his shot-happy play and penchant for tantrums, but once upon a time this guy was considered a quasi-star based purely on team merits. I’m not throwing a pity parade for Troy Murphy, but I feel for the guy.

We Know the Kids Are Alright, But How Alright Is Alright?

OKC at Orlando (7:00 EST)

The Thunder are a confusing, inconsistent team, and that might have something to do with their mean age being 15.7 (Kevin Ollie excluded as a 102 year-old outlier). They beat the Magic one game, lose to the Kings the next. They beat the Spurs one game, and lose to the Clippers the next. It’s the kind of uneven play you’d expect, but it doesn’t exactly make them easy to predict. But they’ve been surprisingly competitive against the league’s elite, with the aforementioned wins against Orlando and San Antonio made all the more legitimate by a win against Miami last night and a near-win against the Lakers weeks ago. So far, the Thunder are good enough to hang in the Western Conference playoff picture, hovering around a .500 record. Considering the limitations of this team, that’s damn good. Damn. Good. But because of their up-and-down performances, it’s impossible to say whether or not this Thunder team is the real Thunder team, or just the same guys hopped up on adrenaline, steroids, and Red Bull setting themselves up for an inevitable crash by hinging too much on Kevin Durant’s heroics and Russell Westbrook’s aggressive style.

I’m not saying tonight will bring about anything conclusive, but it’ll be interesting to see how the Thunder respond to a Magic squad that will be good and pissed off after their last encounter. Vince and ‘Shard may not have been playing, but I don’t think the defending EC champs take too kindly to being thoroughly embarrassed by a team that’s trying to swim wearing floaties.

I’m Starting With the Man in the Mirror

Charlotte at Philadelphia (7:00 EST)

It’s tough to find a team worse off than the Bobcats these days, but the Sixers probably fit the bill. The ‘Cats are easily diagnosed, as their complete lack of shooters and shot creation has left them in an offensive coma. It’s one of the side effects of relying less on D.J. Augustin and trading Emeka Okafor’s attempts from the post for Tyson Chandler’s Tyson-Chandlering from the post.

But the Sixers are more or less an enigma. Maybe Andre Miller really was the thing tying the team together, or maybe Elton Brand has gone from non-factor to team-destroyer. But what happened to the Sixers that competed with the Magic in the playoffs? Their 4-6 record may have some fooled, but not me; I legitimately think the 76ers may be one of the worst teams in the league, and this is coming from a guy who watches way too much Bobcats, Clippers, and Nets basketball.

I’m in an Awful Pickle. I’m King!

Miami at Atlanta (7:00 EST)

If anyone would like to explain to me how the Hawks and the Heat have come to form the Eastern Conference elite, I’m all ears. I’m having a hard time adjusting to a world in which Jermaine O’Neal is suddenly effective again, and the fact that Miami’s role players form a good enough team to win games consistently still baffles me. I’m a fan of both Chalmers and Beasley, but take a look up and down this roster. Please, just one look. And tell me how this team has been hovering near the top of the Eastern Conference standings.

Okay fine, they’ve had a weak schedule. I give up. BUT STILL!

Atlanta, hasn’t had the benefit of a cushy schedule. But Josh Smith decided to grow up, and the Hawks (KA-KAW!) have decided to make the NBA their own personal playground. Nuggets? No problem. Celtics? No problem. Lakers? Okay, a little bit of a problem, but still. Atlanta is leaving Boston, Orlando, and Cleveland in the dust record-wise (hyperbole), and if you’re not impressed then you’re not paying attention.

These Are Selfish Times, I’ve Got Shellfish Dimes…and Sand Dollars

Golden State at Boston (7:30 EST)

Part of me wants to see just how far the Celtics can bend before they break. They’re having trouble, but a loss to the Warriors is a special kind of trouble. I just feel like the ubuntu Celtics never faced any serious adversity, and last year’s team could always point a finger to their injuries. I want the C’s to meet truly unexpected turmoil, to lose games but not know why, to suffer defensive collapses and have no constant other than KG’s consistent barking (figurative, although literal works too). Is it so selfish of me to want to see a truly great team tested so? Is it so selfish of me to demand a trueae test of character for a team that hasn’t had chemistry problems, or unexplainable woes? I think not.

So sick ‘em, Morrow! Come back from the dead, VladRad! AND FOR THE LOVE OF ANTHONY RANDOLPH, DO THE ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE AND COMPLETELY DOMINATE ONE OF THE BEST TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE! AIYEEEE!

ATTN: Timberwolves, We’re Faxing You a Blueprint of a Successful Team

Houston at Minnesota (8:00 EST)

The Timberwolves have faced injuries to Al Jefferson and Kevin Love, and have won just one time in eleven games. The Rockets have faced injuries to Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady, and have won six times in eleven games. The difference here is smart roster construction, and any of those still on the witch hunt against advanced statistical analysis in the NBA should look no further than these two teams. Aside from Shane Battier, the Rockets have constructed a competent team using nothing but the ugly, deformed LEGOs at the bottom of the bin. These aren’t lottery picks or even cherry-picked role players, but essentially home-grown products selected through careful draft analysis and deep dives into the free agency pool. The Wolves have an interesting mish-mash of talent on paper, but a combination of poor team construction and inferior coaching (no offense, Rambis) is essentially the difference between 1-10 and 6-5.

Remember the Good Ol’ Days?

LAC at Memphis (8:00 EST)

Two lottery teams, no lottery rookies. I’m enjoying watching Clipper basketball this year, but this game should have record lows in viewership.

Defying Expectations

New Jersey at Milwaukee (8:00 EST)

Projecting these starts out of either of these teams would have been completely bonkers. I know the Nets are bad, but winless through eleven games?! They’ve played Charlotte, Philly (twice), Indiana, and Minnesota, and they couldn’t scrap together one measly win? The ridiculous injuries are an understandable scapegoat, but it still shocks me to see NJ winless in the standings. Meanwhile, Brandon Jennings has sparked the biggest interest in the Bucks since that one time where their mascot was on a motorcycle. He has made the very concept of Michael Redd obsolete, and combined with the tenacity that Scott Skiles demands of his teams, the Bucks are suddenly fun again.

This game could suddenly be fun if Devin Harris were to make a recovery via medical miracle/divine intervention/magical healing waters, but otherwise CDR, Terrence Williams, and Brook Lopez will bear the burden of being an entire team. That said, every Nets game now bears a bit of a Lions effect, where the first win will come with such delight that it probably makes any NJ-affair worth watching.

EXEMPTED.

Toronto at Utah (9:00 EST)

I have absolutely no opinion on the game between the Raptors and the Jazz. Toronto has worn out their early welcome on my League Pass, and the Jazz are bland beyond bland, particularly with Deron Williams in injury limbo. Eric Maynor is fun, but he’s not enough to make me watch Carlos Boozer on a night with so many other delightful games.

Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake the Frame of This House
San Antonio at Dallas (9:30 EST)

The Southwest Division is kind of a mess these days. The Mavs sit atop the standings, but are winning games with their defense and a helpful bump in free throw attempts. The Spurs are having unexpected trouble incorporating Richard Jefferson alongside their other stars, but beat the Mavs without Parker or Duncan. The Rockets work harder than any team in the league, but a franchise once measured by the far-reaching fame of its two superstars is suddenly reliant on the shot creation of Trevor Ariza. The Hornets have been turned upside down, and seem worse-off despite moderate improvements to their roster. The Grizzlies…well, I guess some things never change.

You’d hope that the Mavs-Spurs rivalry is preserved amidst the upheaval, and it very well should be. In fact, the Mavs’ and Spurs’ primary off-season additions didn’t change the fundamental nature of Dallas-San Antonio relations, but instead added interesting wrinkles. Richard Jefferson has a long-standing on-court relationship with Jason Kidd, and the friend-turned-enemy angle always brings intrigue (see Nowitzki-Nash). Drew Gooden is a former Spur, but his exit was met with little fanfare. Shawn Marion has been around the block, but I’d honestly be surprised if he didn’t harbor some resentment from the infamous Suns-Spurs playoff bout. You may not see as much visible bad blood between these two teams as say Lakers-Celtics, but they tend to bring out the best in each other.

Please, Put Your Feet Up

Detroit at Portland (10:00 EST)

Relax, dear NBA fan. Enjoy this night cap on us. Grin at the subtle pleasures of the Portland Trailblazers, as Brandon Roy’s smooth, melodic play flows over you. Take a puff from your pipe as the on-screen blur that is Will Bynum complements the shade of your smoking jacket oh so perfectly. And then bash your head on your coffee table repeatedly as you try to understand what exactly goes through Nate McMillan’s mind when he decides to play Andre Miller and Steve Blake at the same time.

These two teams are perfect for late night watching. Each squad is likely to do something spectacular, but not necessarily in a way that demands raucous yelling or screaming. Golf clap from your seats, NBA patrons, and drift into slumber as the Blazers pull away from the Pistons in the middle of the third.