Put down your credit card, pull out that extra turkey leg, fire up the League Pass and get to work.

You’ve got games to watch!

HEY! You stole our record! (Wizards at Heat, 7:00PM EST)
Three years ago, the Wizards looked to be on the rise, the Heat seemed to be treading water, and the idea of Gilbert Arenas versus Dwyane Wade seemed like Must See TV. Fast forward a couple of years and the Heat are sporting a much better record, Gilbert is struggling to figure out if his alter ego is his actual ego, and Dwyane Wade is going to try to drop the Wizards to 4-10. I was sure that the Wizards would bounce back this year and have a fantastic season. Instead, they’re the equivalent of a nice fantasy basketball team that is stuck near the bottom of the standings because you can never get them to all put it together for an extended period of time.

We’re not even going to have a basketball game. We’re more athletic than you. It’s American Gladiators time! Winner gets the nickname “Two Scoops.” (Hawks at 76ers, 7:00PM EST)

I’m pretty serious here. Between Josh Smith, Thad Young, and Andre Iguodala, I’m giving the nickname “Two Scoops” to whoever has the best dunk of the night or the most dominating performance of the night or a combination of the two. I’m really sad for this Sixers team because they now have zero point guards with Lou Williams out. So Iggy has to probably be the primary playmaker. That’s not a bad thing but I’d like to keep him on the wing and in attack mode. As for Atlanta, they should be fresh for this game, considering they left their loss to Orlando and skipped the second half.

Hey, we’re 5-1 since Shaq went down! Tell the big guy to take his time! (Cavs at Bobcats, 7:30PM EST)
I imagine that at this point in their careers, Gerald Wallace has initiated the same conversation with LeBron James:

Gerald would love to know LBJ’s secret and tips.

On Thanksgiving, you guys probably put maple syrup on your turkey and mashed potatoes. Wait…what do you mean you DON’T celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (Raptors at Celtics, 7:30PM EST)

This should be a marquee matchup between the two best teams in the Atlantic division. Toronto should be more fun to watch than they are and the Celtics should be much better than they are. But all of their shortcomings will be forgiven if we get more Kevin Garnett cheering for Joe Calderon.

Literally, I wouldn’t watch 10 minutes of this game unless you can assure me Will Bynum is going off. (Clippers at Pistons, 8:00PM EST)
Turn on this game and if Will Bynum isn’t going off, the amount of time you spend watching this game will prove either your love of the NBA, your boredom on a Friday night, or your justification for owning a Ben Gordon jersey.

Watching Rodrigue Beaubois attacking a basket in which Roy Hibbert is guarding and trying to figure out whom I want to win is the equivalent of picking your favorite kid. (Mavericks at Pacers, 8:00PM EST)
You’re essentially asking me to choose between Rob Mahoney and Jared Wade here. I simply won’t do it. This is what Archie Manning feels like when he watches his sons fire up Madden 10 during family get-togethers.

There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. (Spurs at Rockets, 8:30PM EST)
The Spurs still haven’t won on the road this season. They’re 0-4 away from the beautiful confines of San Antonio. This doesn’t bode well any time soon when forecasting their rodeo trip in February. At the same time, it’s only four games and they’re bound to start getting the job done on the road – especially against this Rockets team. The Rockets team is really cute, kind of like one of those old Furbies. They’re cuddling. They make you feel good. But it’s hard to find a reason to think they’ll change your life.

We do the up-tempo thing too, except we actually score points and win games. You should try it sometime. (Knicks at Nuggets, 9:00PM EST)
I’ve looked into the future and recorded a scene from this Knicks-Nuggets game tonight. The Knicks are showing their weapons, trying to bully and scare the Nugs with false toughness. While Nene is hiding behind some barrels and waiting for his chance to attack, Chauncey Billups is waiting to jump out from the shack and open fire on the Knicks. And you’ve got Carmelo Anthony trying to trick the Knicks with his best Mandarin Chinese before he lays down the law. All the while, Earl “JR” Smith is shirtless and trying to pull his gun out of his speedo. It’s just another typical Knicks-Nuggets matchup.

Here’s that video (embedding wasn’t an option).

Somebody unplug the Brandon Jennings hype machine! It’s taking over the world! (Bucks at Thunder, 9:30PM EST)
You bumped Suns and Wolves in order to put Brandon Jennings and Kevin Durant on national TV? You thought THAT was a good idea? Holy crap, this is the equivalent of the Raptors in Jurassic Park figuring out how to open doors. They’re evolving!

I’d like to surrender my bet. (Suns at T’Wolves, 9:30PM EST)

I can’t take it anymore as a Wolves fan. It’s just too hard. I need Kevin Love to return and I need Ricky Rubio to come in, guns a blazing as he rides in on a white horse with a flowing mane of hair and no-look passes that disarm the defensive efforts of the Wolves’ opponents. I wonder how Ricky is doing right now. He’s probably not taking any awkward photo shoots. He’s probably just concentrating on his game and looking to make himself better for when he’s in ‘Sota, right? Right? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

It’s called disclosure, you d%$^head! (Grizzlies at Blazers, 10:00PM EST)
The Blazers have a lot of young, good players and it’s helped Portland become a fantastic team and a power in the Western Conference. The Grizzlies have a lot of young, good players and it’s helped them become an abhorrent team that is near the bottom of the Western Conference. It would be great if the Grizzlies could take a look at Portland’s files.

You always remember your first…especially, when it means you avoid historic win virginity. (Nets at Kings, 10:00PM EST)
You watch this for the same reason you watched the movie Saw or Hostel. You’re slightly interested in seeing someone be tortured and you love horror films. You would love for the protagonist to make it out alive but if that doesn’t happen, you’re okay with that too. The Nets winning would be great for them and it could even save Lawrence Frank’s job for now. But at the same time, you love watching them lose because it gets them closer to historic failure. Three more losses in a row and they’re the worst team in NBA history to start a season.