Lion Face/Lemon Face 11.18.09
Tell me if you’ve heard this one before:
Two guys walk into a bar. They go up to the bar and start making faces.
Lion Face: Chris Douglas-Roberts
When he isn’t chastising Matt Moore on Twitter for not letting him keep it hood, he’s scoring buckets for this atrociously atrocious New Jersey Nets team. Recordable CD (get it? Because his initials are CD-R? It’s clever!) scored 27 points in arguably the most overmatched starting lineup of all time. The lineup was Lopez at the five, then Hassell at the four, T-Will at the three, CD-R at the two and Skip at the one. Not only did he drop 27 points (I can’t remember if you drop points or albums so I just use it for both) but he also grabbed a rebound 12 times. Doug-Bob is one those gems we’re not going to appreciate until a contender scoops him up in a trade and makes him the best seventh man in the league.
Lemon Face: LeBron’s Block on Monta Ellis
This gave me a lemon face because the fury of this swat scared me.
Lion Face/Lion’s Mane: Joakim Noah
If you want to know why the Bulls are so dangerous this year, it has nothing to do with Derrick Rose (okay maybe it has a little to do with him) and everything to do with how well Joakim Noah is playing. He is the reason they dominated the Kings last night. While his 15 points and 14 rebounds look great, it doesn’t even tell the story. He might be the best player in the league at denying the entry pass in the post. His technique is flawless and his timing is perfect. By some chance if they do get the ball into the post against him, he’s pushed his man so far out of position that the post player is out of his comfort zone. He did this to Jason Thompson last night and it resulted in seven turnovers for the second-year forward.
Lemon Face: Michael Beasley
You cannot play 23 minutes as Michael Beasley and not grab a single rebound. I don’t even care that it took him nine shots to score eight points. That kind of stuff happens. But to not grab one rebound as the starting power forward when Thabo Sefolosha grabbed nine of them is inexcusable.
Lion Face: The Boringness of LeBron and Durant
Here’s how insane their games are. I’m not even phased by the fact that Kevin Durant scored 32 points, grabbed nine rebounds, and had five assists and LeBron going for 31 points with a dozen assists didn’t even really register with me at first. If they don’t go for 40+, it seems like an average night to me. Are my expectations of them too high or are they too boringly good most night?
Lemon Face: Thabo Sefolosha’s Defense
There’s nothing wrong with his defense. He’s going to be one of those Shane Battier-type everybody talks about how nobody talks about them kind of defenders. I just wish he was a terrible defender so his nickname could be Swiss Cheese. Unfortunately, he cares about doing his job well.
Lion Face: Roy Hibbert
Big Poppa Hibbert is quietly having a really nice season. His averages are 12.5 points, 9.1 rebounds, and 2.5 blocks. Raise your hand if you had him putting up those numbers in his second season. Everybody’s hand should be down. Last night against the Nets, he battled with Robin Lopez’s twin brother (they look identical!) and finished with 19 points, 10 rebounds and two blocks. Sure, Robin’s brother had a better night with 26 and 16 but you have to respect the fact that he’s still producing against better centers than him.
Lemon Face: Houston Rockets
They had a fine effort last night and almost pulled out a victory over a tough Suns team. But they allowed six points off the bench in 13 minutes to Jarron Collins who I didn’t even know was still alive. Not only did they allow this Collins’ fellow to score six points but two of them came on a critical possession in the fourth that extended the lead to six with just over a minute to play. Actually, all six points came in the fourth quarter! And you lost by six! Come on!
Lion Face: Phoenix Suns
Who had the Phoenix Suns as the first team to get to 10 wins this season? Raise your hand if you had that. Everybody’s hand should be down unless you’re Ben York. The Suns won their 10th game on the road against a tough defensive Rockets team with Steve Nash having a terrible shooting night. They’re deadlier right now than Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man. It’s like they’ve been uploaded with all types of fighting styles and weapons expertise while the rest of the league is capable of knitting some nice mittens and struggling to figure out the three shells in the bathroom. Speaking of…
Lemon Face: The Three Shells in the Bathroom
I have spent an inordinate and unhealthy amount of hours trying to figure out how the three shells would have worked. Why was this decided to be a more efficient way of you-know-what than toilet paper or a bidet? Maybe there is a shortage of trees but the amount of water it would take to clean the shells thoroughly each time seems to be more costly than killing trees or using a bidet. It’s one of the greatest wonders that science has never been able to figure out – like Stonehedge or Kate Hudson’s success.
Lion Face: Donté Greene
He steps in for an injured Andres Nocioni and puts out 24 points on 19 shots. Not only did he finish with the game-high in the Kings-Bulls game but he got the majority of his points by being aggressive and driving towards the basket. If that’s the Donté Greene people are going to see over the next 10 years, he’s going to be what Tim Thomas never became.
Lemon Face: Charlie Villanueva
He had two points on six shots against the Lakers in 23 minutes. Trading Chauncey Billups away for cap space just gets smarter and smarter each day.
Lion Face: Tyreke Evans
He filled up the stat sheet and won the battle of Memphis point guards in terms of individual performances with a 20-point, four-rebound, four-assist, two-steal, three-block night against the Bulls and Derrick Rose. But the real reason I threw him in here was to show how he dominates outside of the court too. Here’s him free-styling last week at Donté Greene’s house. Is there anything he can’t do besides consistently knock down three-pointers?
One Final Lion Face: Carmelo and Kobe
Melo: 32 points on 15 shots in a win.
Kobe: 40 points with five boards and five assists in a win.
No need to explain any further.
