You should watch some NBA action tonight. Let me count the ways why…

Tsunami in a Shark Tank
Philadelphia 76ers @ Washington Wizards – 7:00
Philly lost Maarreessee Sppeeiigghhtts to the trainer’s room when he went down with a torn MCL recently and that’s a bigger bummer than watching Andres Nocioni play basketball. Because I was really enjoying Speights early-season returns. While we’re on the subject, Elton Brand is a pretty big bummer himself, but it’s always fun to tune in for a couple “Yall paid $80 million for this?” jokes. But screw the Sixers, even though I dig Thaddeus Young, Lou Williams and am really starting to come around on Iggy — this game is about Gilbert. He’s going Hibachi tonight. I can feel it. My dog is already cowering down calmly, yet concernedly, beneath the door frame like it knows a tsunami is approaching. The Wiz are 3-9 and they need this game. I know you don’t believe me. Agent Zero hasn’t even shot 40% from the field in any of his last six games. Well, tonight he will. Oh, boy, will he ever. Don’t be that guy. Watch it.
I’m Not Kidding … Don’t Watch This
Indiana Pacers @ Toronto Raptors – 7:00 pm
You won’t see a whiter match-up until Indy makes it out to Salt Lake. Unfortunately, the Pacers are down a few honkies with Lil’ Dunleavy and Travis Diener on the injured shelf, but Troy Murphy, Jeff Foster and Tyler “Buckaroo Banzai” Hansbrough will proudly be ready to defend their race. In Toronto, it’s no so much white guys as Euros. Calderon. Hedo. Bargs. Some others I can’t remember and don’t feel like looking up because I’m pretty sure I’ve already written this before about Toronto in a 15-Footer. Probably because they’re entirely uninteresting. If we’re being truthful, I’m a Pacers fan and I might even skip this battle for supremacy of the Dullard Mediocrity Division. I mean, Danny Granger essentially skipped the last two Pacer games anyway, so why should I show up?
Nellie Hates Cuban, Sitting in a Tree
Golden State Warrios @ Dallas Mavericks – 8:30
You know that part in Major League where Dorn plays that prank on Ricky Vaughn that makes him think he got cut in Spring Training and then ol’ Veg Head runs into Mack Lou Brown’s office and tells him that “I’m gonna catch on somewhere else and every time I pitch against you, I’m gonna stick it up your f***ing a**.” That’s pretty much what Nellie was saying, metaphorically, when his Baron/Stack Jack/JRich/Barnes “We Believe” Dubs stole the Mavs lunch money the year they knocked that 67-win Dallas team out of the Playoffs back in the day. That was good times for the Bay Area. But those days are gone. This Dallas team is the best squad no one is talking about (10-3) and they’re going to annihilate this rag-tag Warrior team tonight at home as Dirk continues his Panzer-tank-driven MVP campaign across the League.
Two Franchises Meet in the Middle
Oklahoma City Thunder @ Utah Jazz – 9:00
Clearly, the game of the night. Two middling Western Conference teams walk into a bar and try to convince a rabbi that they should be taken seriously. At 7-7, the Thunder are rising on an upward trajectory with a promising young nucleus. At 7-6, the Jazz are trying to dispel the notion that they have become the irrelevant also-rans of the conference. The Thunder are hoping to overachieve and grab a #8 seed and sneak into the Playoffs. The Jazz are hoping to not underachieve and grab a #8 seed that would leave them once again quickly dispatched by the Lakers in the Playoffs. And if that’s not enough, we got studs. Durant. Deron. Westbrook. Boozer. Uncle Jeff. Millsapp. Harden’s beard. AK-47′s haircut. Game of the night.
Should Be a Good One /sarcasm
New Jersey Nets @ Denver Nuggets – 9:00
Let me save you the trouble: Nuggets beat the Nets 126 – 84. Carmelo gets 38 pts, 12 rebounds and 6 assists on 14/18 shooting while sitting out the whole fourth quarter, during which Earl Smith takes 7 threes, making 5. Highlights at 11.
There Will Be Pain
New York Knicks @ Los Angeles Lakers – 10:30
I pretty much just wrote off that last game as unwatchable. I think I did that to Pacers/Raptors, too. I guess, then, since I’m supposed to be telling you why you should watch these games that I probably shouldn’t just write off a third game on a six-game night, huh? Well, sorry. I cannot tell a lie. This will be painful. And bloody. Bloody and painful.