Imagine like, I dunno, fifteen foot-long Subway sandwiches. BMT. Subway Club. Chicken breast. Meatball. All the classics. How sweet would that be?
Not nearly as sweat as this 15-Footer foreshadowing tonight’s NBA action.
Playing Boston Tough
Boston @ Charlotte – 7:00 pm EST
On paper, this game shouldn’t be close. Not only did the Celtics eat Charlotte’s soul in their first meeting this season to the tune of a 92-59 shellacking, but Boston has the 3rd best defense in the league currently, giving up only 99.5 points per 100 possessions, while Charlotte’s offense is 28th at a paltry 97.6 points per 100 possessions. Put those two together along with Boston’s great shooting and that’s pretty much the recipe for how a game played between two teams who are theoretically both employing professional athletes turns into a 32-point blowout. That October game notwithstanding, however, Charlotte always seems to play Boston tough. The past two CHA/BOS games before that both went to overtime and the third meeting last year was decided by only 5 points. And regardless of what the current offensive and defensive number say, this Celtics team doesn’t look nearly as good as it did four weeks ago.
Meanwhile, the Bobcats are on a four-game winning streak, fueled by the great play of Gerald Wallace, who has not only led his team in boards every game during this streak but is also leading the WHOLE DAMN LEAGUE in defensive rebounding with 9.5 per game. (He has 11.8 rpg overall, good for 4th in the association.) In summation, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in watching the NBA, it’s that when Crash is flying around the court like this, it’s something you want to see.
The Mood Is Tense
Washington Wizards @ Toronto Raptors – 7:00 pm EST
Last time I 15-Footered a Wiz game, I told you Hibachi would happen. Well, it didn’t. And it still hasn’t since. Gilbert Arenas has been, in a word, jerkheadesque. In fact, he has only scored 6 and 9 points in his last two games, and he hasn’t hit a three-pointer since November 21. It’s really making me have sad faces. Despite this, DC is playing a little better of late, winning two of their last three. So there’s that. The Jurassic Park Commemorative Team from Toronto, on the contrary, just flat sucks. They’ve lost 7 of 9 now and, in between dropping ridiculous lines like 30/17 on the reg, Chris Bosh is likely spending his days talking with his real estate agent about where he can find the best deals in today’s depressed housing market. This game is about as uplifting as a funeral. For a panda bear.
Get D’Antoni Some Pampers
Phoenix Suns @ New York Knicks – 7:30 pm EST
Nash vs. D’Antoni is always good times. Not in the sense that this will be a competitive — or even well-played — game. But in the sense that Mike gets to stomp around the sidelines all game while watching the NBA equivalent of his ex-wife make him look terrible. He gets to twirl his mustache while thinking “Geez, how did we all let that Suns thing get so messed up? Why didn’t we nurture Joe Johnson and keep him around? Why was Shawn Marion such a baby? And why couldn’t I get along with the front office? And, for the love of god, why did I not wait until after I found out the Bulls got Derrick Rose before signing with the Knicks? Imagine me and DRose? Imagine all the people? Imagine there’s no country? It’s easy if you try.” Then he openly sobs on the sideline. Then Steve Nash gets his 23rd assist. Then D’Antoni wets himself. Then Nash laughs like only a Canadian can laugh. Eh.
Unstoppable Dude vs. Unmovable Guy … Or Something
Golden State Warriors @ Denver Nuggets – 9:00 pm EST
Going back decades, Dubs vs. Nuggs is always a game you want to see. If it was a movie, the tagline would be: “Run, Ballers, Run.” G-State is 1st in the league in pace and Denver is 3rd, so we should be in for a 100+ possession game here from the Rocky Mountains. And you know what means? Melo vs. Monta. The former Moped Aficionado Magazine Man of the Year has been using the entire league as his personal urinal of late, scoring 45, 42, 37 and 34 in four of his last five while also nary taking a minute off. Rest? Monta don’t need no stinking rest. He dropped a career-high on the Pacers last night — even though he fouled out with 6 minutes to play — and he’ll probably best that tonight. On the other hand … Melo. Senor Anthony is leading the league in scoring by a healthy 1.5 ppg over the chump in second place and scores so easily these days that he only takes threes when he’s bored. Seriously, NBA, you’re association bores him. You want him to actually start trying out there? Put some moats at mid-court and put sharks in em or something. Fire-breathing sharks. Cause this s*** is just too easy.
Game O’ Da Nite
Miami Heat @ Portland Trailblazers – 10:00 pm EST
I’m not going to lie to you. The Blazers have been disappointing lately. They’re 3-3 over the past two weeks and have lost to dregs like Golden State and Memphis. But it’s not just the losing. It’s how they’ve been losing. Just not terribly fun to watch and lacking a lot of the intangible coolness they had going early in November when I was starting to think they might make a leap into that Denver/San Antonio class of Western contenders. Now, they just look back to where the were last year: rather good, but not great. Still, Greg Oden has been a revelation. If you’re still one of those people making Oden and Andrew Bynum jokes, you’re not paying attention. Both of these guys have become essentially what they were supposed to become and it’s getting awesome. Oden’s got hook shots now and a confidence that makes him an animal. Even his D is still improving by the day. He’s a scary, scary dude and he’s been dunking on fools since 1934. The Heat? Yeah. They’re the Heat. I like em. But you know who they are. JO is balling though and Beasley has playing well ever since that walk-off dunk against Orlando. I can’t promise you that will happen again tonight — like I said, I’m not gonna lie to you. But this is the game of the night. Catch it.
THIS. IS. NEW. ORLEANS.
New Orleans Hornets @ Los Angeles Lakers – 10:30 pm EST
I love me some Lil Buckets aka Marcus Thornton and NOLA has played admirably in CP3′s absense, but this one won’t be close. The Lakers are on another stratosphere from the rest of the league right now. So unleass the Hornets signed Drew Brees, and I didn’t hear about it, they gonna lose.
