Happy Friday Parox-Readers. As a reminder, Christmas is right around the corner! So be sure to be thinking of ways you can ditch your family so you can watch the seven hundred games the NBA schedules on the holiest of days.

Let’s see what’s on tap, shall we?

REASONS TO WATCH THE GAMES OF THE NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION TONIGHT:

Hang On Folks, This Is About To Get Bumpy Crappy:

New Jersey at Indiana, 7:00 EST

Indiana’s favored by 3.5. Take off the requisite 3 points to the home team. They’re favored by a half game over the team that just won their second game of the season. According to my calculations, captain, we only have a .0005% chance of this not sucking to an insane degree. Every  time I watch the Nets, the same thing happens. I get excited about Devin Harris, and Brook LOLpez, and CDR, and Courtney Lee (because I’m one of five people that think that just because he’s not outstanding does not make him terrible. Seriously, kid pays well in high pressure situations and the internet sicks on him like he came out with his own shoeline). Then I watch the rest of the Nets. Is there a bigger rookie disappointment than Terrence Williams? I mean, we expected Thabeet to be bad. We knew he’d be terrible, that’s why it was so funny/sad when they drafted him. But TWill is just depressingly disappointing. I kind of want the Nets to play a college-type/playoff rotation and only play those four guys for 40 minutes. They’re young! They can hack it!

If you want something to focus on tonight, how about Hibbert-Lopez? Hibbert’s been less than phenomenal, but his per40′s are still pretty good (16, 10.9, 2.5 blocks and 5.9 fouls per game- he’s not necessarily fouling out every game! He was at 8.5 PF per 40 last year. Seriously.), and the size matchup is interesting. I believe Brook Lopez deserves an All-Star nod that he will never, ever get because the system is moronic. It’s fun to watch Lopez against bigger guys because he uses more of his skillset. Now that I’ve said that he will shoot 10% and not play due to foul trouble. Damn you!

This Did Not Go Well Last Time

Atlanta at Toronto, 7:00 PM EST

Most times, I have more confidence in the team that got obliterannihilated last time the two teams met. Not so with Toronto, who after a wee winning streak came back to Earth and let Milwaukee run all over their terra. Meanwhile, the Hawks, and I’ve been meaning to comment on this for a while, know they should win games. I cannot overstress this, even with all the bold in the world. I could bold that fragment with the darkness of a black hole and it would not be enough. This team for half a decade has relied on going into each game with no knowledge. They were zen, no-mind. They just went out and ran and did things and then moved on. But now? This team is taking four years of doubters’ hate out on every team they come across. That Bulls game on Wednesday was the exact type of game they would have lost last year or the year before. Instead, they didn’t just beat them, they ran them out of the building, down the street, and out into Indiana. Seriously, I think Kirk Hinrich may be starting for Indiana tonight, that’s how badly the Hawks hurt the Bulls. But Toronto’s been trying to get its dignity back, so it’s possible this thing could turn.

Is there a weirder matchup than these two frontcourts? Bosh can’t go to the wing to guard Smith, which is fine, since you want him to shoot out there, but that means he’s got a full head of steam moving into the paint, and that’s a lot of speed. Horford can’t match Bargnani’s size, but that’s okay, because Horford will out-rebound him by 700. I’d actually like to see, along with every Raptors fan on the planet, Amir Johnson start in place of Bargnani tonight. Not because Bargnani sucks, because Bargnani’s awesome, just not a rebounder, but it lets Bosh go against Horford and Amir cover Smith, which gets it back into a pure-talent range versus a matchup problem. Then you let Bargnani come off the bench and fight Pachulia, which is a match he can win with his range. And if they can control those matchups and just skate by at the small forward spot, they should be able to…

Oh, wait, the Hawks have Joe Johnson AND Jamal Crawford. Nevermind then.

Man, So Close!

Houston at Philadelphia, 7PM EST

If ONLY T-Mac was coming back this game. Iverson versus T-Mac, in the battle of early Ought superstars who in no way make their team better now? That would be epic. Instead we’ll have to settle for Trevor Ariza versus Andre Iguodala. This should work out well. Have I mentioned I miss Speights? Because I miss Speights. He would be epic in this game, able to draw Hayes out of the paint and help with the rebounding. Instead, Houston’s going to go zone, batton down the hatches, and make the Sixers make jumpshots. Basically what they do every night against much better teams. How about Brooks versus Willie Green? That’s a pretty sweet little matchup. Yeah, we’ll go with that.

IT WAS THREE AND A HALF YEARS AGO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET IT GO

Dallas at Miami, 7:30 EST

They played in the Finals three and a half years ago. Yes it was a massive collapse. Yes, Wade still haunts their dreams. It’s over. Move on.

Josh Howard’s back, which is nice, and I’ll be interested to see the impact it has on rotations. I want to get some sample size on the Kidd-Terry-Howard-Matrix-Dirk lineup, and this might not be a bad one to watch it in. Beasley versus Howard could be an epic elbow-jumper match if they’re both on, and I like the idea of Haslem versus Marion. In reality, though, Howard will be guarding Wade for size, so we may see a weird Terry-Howard-Marion-Dirk-Dampier go, which will blow my skull through the roof of my body. Miami’s starting to fade, only two games over .500 now, while Dallas is leading their division and got a big win against Phoenix Wednesday. Then again, Dwyane Wade. So you never know.

HARK, THE HERALD ANGEL SING, THIS GAME RULES, ESPECIALLY ON THE WING

OKC at Memphis, 8PM EST

Oh man, oh man, oh man. Oklahoma City versus Memphis when neither team is sucking? I may do a little dance. Excuse me.

…

Okay, I’m back. Conley versus Westbrook. Awesome, because Conley’s actually been playing well. Mayo versus Harden. Sweet Jesus the facial hair alone! Mayo’s trim border face versus The Rookie Of The Beard. Gay versus Durant. Um, yes please. Randolph versus Green. Are you kidding me? And Zach’s been playing with a heart and Green with a brain! Tin Man versus Scarecrow! Gasol versus Krstic. … Okay, you can’t win ‘em all.

OKC’s been playing better together, but Memphis is on a tear and right now believes in itself. The tricky part for OKC in this one is this is the type of game that Westbrook’s going to want to shoot a lot (I know, I know I mean more than usual). Conley’s going to give him opportunities. But OKC needs ball movement and they need production from all over the floor. Because there’s no one on the Grizzlies just gunning right now. Even Rudy’s taking smart shots. I can’t believe I’m about to say this. This is a trap game for the Thunder. So, so awesome.

The “Oh, Look, It Could Be Worse” Game

Portland at Cleveland, 8PM EST

Portland’s gotta be nice for contenders to play because even if you lose, you can look at them and say “Well, it could be worse.” Meanwhile, we’re looking at Shaquille O’Neal AND Varejao AND Z versus lil ol’ Pryzbilla. And I like Pryz a lot. But they’re going to get overwhelmed in this game. LeBron ain’t losing three straight. It ain’t a happenin’.  Outside of Roy, I’m having a hard time finding a matchup advantage for Portland. And that zone may slow them down a bit, but if Mo Williams has his shot on, you’re screwed there, too.  But who knows, both teams tend to do the exact opposite of what you predict this season.

Rumors Of The Death Of The Hornets/Knicks May Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

New York at New Orleans, 8PM EST

New York has won three games in a row. New Orleans has won three games in a row. Paul! Duhon! Live on League Pass!…

Oh.

Still, there’s no denying that New York’s been playing well, and running the rooks up and down the court may feed Thornton’s more gunner instincts. Harrington should be able to match West roughly shot for shot, so it’s going to come down to if CP3 goes off for 40 or if Okafor gets loose. This is a toss-up, but should be a fun one. Also, I still crack up every time the Peja heads go running through the front row.

Sad.

Golden State at Chicago, 8PM EST

Here. Here’s  something to make you feel better about this game.

The Dream’s Got To End Sometime, Right?

Charlotte at San Antonio, 8:30 PM EST

Maybe the Utah game was the low point for the Spurs. Maybe Manu’s turned a corner, Jefferson’s figured it out, and Tim Duncan won’t have to kill everyone on the team with a blank expression on his face. But this won’t be easy, believe it or not. Charlotte’s won 2 in a row, and 6 of 10.  To put this in perspective? If Dallas wins and Charlotte wins, Charlotte’s a game outside of third place in their insanely tough division.  This team, against all odds, and without any attention being paid from anyone, manistream media or bloggers,  has been getting it done with great rebounding, All-Star play from Gerald Wallace (blockclocked asise), and you know, that whole right way thing. They’ll probably lose this game because it’s a temperature taker. It’s a legitimate test. This isn’t a trap game for San Antonio, they know they have to get it together. If Charlotte wins this game, you better throw them back into your playoff consideration (they’re the 8 seed right now, by the way).

Jack-In-The-Box Will Be Under By The End Of The Year

Minnesota at LA Lakers 10:30 PM EST

Kobe. Gasol. Artest. Frustration. Losing. Bleeding. Garbage time. Tacos. But Kevin Love will be fun to watch. Great drafting, there, Kahn.

The Limit

Orlando at Phoenix, 10:30PM EST

Orlando lost a tough one to Utah who’s absolutely on fiyaahhhhh right now. Phoenix lost a tough one to Dallas who’s just a solid team.  Phoenix is having a sugar crash, Orlando’s still winning but just… seems off.  How about Barnes v. Amundson tonight? Or Richardson v. Carter, that’s pretty sexy, no? Howard’s going to unleash hell on them inside, which means Phoenix will just have to run more. I hope you like three pointers, late-night watchers.