I would never get into a fight during a basketball game. It’s so immature and unnecessary.

If someone wanted to fight me, I would give them a really scary face. I’d try to look like the king of the jungle. It would be the face of a lion because nothing is more intimidating outside of Miley Cirus’ smoker-voice than a freaking lion. But what if it didn’t affect the person who wanted to fight me and they made their own lion face?

Then I would have to cower and respectfully back down after they called my bluff. I would scrunch my face up like I just had something very sour and citrusy. It would be like a lemon face. Like I was sucking on a lemon.

Guys, care to demonstrate?

Thanks, gentlemen.

Lion Face: Matt Barnes

Here’s what I liked about the whole Matt Barnes-Kobe Bryant thing: it was kind of a throwback to the days when NBA players could be a little tough. Now? Guys get suspended for making contact with someone’s head, whether it was dangerous or just trying to help them shoo a fly away. Barnes went after Kobe. Kobe tried to bully Barnes. Barnes knowing he had nothing to lose and everything to gain from standing up to Kobe never stopped. He pushed the envelope with Kobe. He faked a ball at his face on the inbounds. Kobe never flinched. It was a pissing contest and in the end, Matt Barnes’ clutch three was enough to hold off Kobe’s flurry. This reeked of Chris Childs all over again.

Lemon Face: NBA Officiating
The two games I paid the most attention to on Sunday were the Magic-Lakers game and the Kings-Thunder game. The two games were arguably the worst officiated games I’ve seen all season. The Magic game was a cavalcade of bad calls. Dwight Howard was getting called for fouls he didn’t commit. The Lakers apparently fouled Vince Carter enough to get him 10 free throw attempts… in the first quarter. There was an offensive goaltending call against the Magic when there was no goal to tend on the play. In the Thunder-Kings game, the game was officiated so ineptly that the teams had no idea what they could get away with and what they couldn’t. So they just tried everything. Nocioni got a flagrant because Westbrook fell down due to poor balance. Jeff Green, Kevin Durant and Westbrook all got first half technical fouls because… well… it’s not quite clear what they did wrong. What we saw in these two games on Sunday was a failure to control the game by the officials and it was due to their inconsistencies.

Lion Face: Vince Carter
Vince got the free throw line 14 times against the Lakers. In fact, he was really aggressive in the first quarter and sort of set the tone for the entire game. He finished with 25 points but he jumped the game off with 15 first quarter points. I can’t believe we had a game between two great teams on national television and Vince was actually responsible for it being fun. It made me think that maybe we were back in 1999 again. I was going to go watch The Matrix and throw on the Slim Shady LP. It was a year for rebellion in 1999 and Vince Carter rebelled against his legendary malaise-filled play. Good for him.

Lemon Face: Kobe Bryant
We have to hear so often when Kobe makes a big shot that everybody who isn’t a Lakers fan is going to relish in this a little bit.

Wait, we’re still relishing in it. You feel that? That’s failure. That’s Kobe failure.

Okay, are we done? No, not yet. A little bit longer. Okay, that’s enough…

After this one last bit of relishing. Okay, back to understanding they’re the best team in basketball when they want to be.

Lion Face: Kobe Bryant
For all the failure and feuding with Matt Barnes, Kobe had a decent game. The shot was struggling a bit with a 12/30 but he finished with 34 points, seven rebounds and seven assists. He did a decent job of moving the ball. Was there too much isolation for Kobe? Absolutely. But the Lakers were also about half a shoe size on two outside shots (one by Fisher and one by Bryant) from taking that game into overtime.

Lemon Face: Ben Gordon
What would you say, YOU DO here? You’re getting $10 million this year and you’re playing terribly. You’ve never scored this few points since your freshman year at Connecticut. In 26 minutes, you shot 1/7 and scored six points. You didn’t get a single assist. You turned the ball over two times. I’m not good at math but I think that assist to turnover ratio isn’t even an integer. Ben, I know you don’t want to try unless you’re on a playoff team but how about a little effort?

Lion Face: Drew Drue Dru Jrue Holiday
However you spell it, you certainly couldn’t defend it on Sunday. Holiday threw in his hat into the ridiculously talented point guard ring of this year’s rookie class. Is he going to be one of the top five point guards from this draft? Most likely not. But he showed against the Raptors that he could be a valid scoring option while providing a steady hand at the point and good defense in the backcourt. He got the basket with ease and he knocked down three-pointers. The thing about Holiday is he probably won’t make any All-Star teams in his career but you could see him being the floor general for a title contender.

Lemon Face: Kevin Garnett
It’s been 14 years since Kevin Garnett went an entire game without making a field goal. Sunday, it happened again to the delight of every trolling non-Celtic fan who has decided to vilify him because he yells obscenities into the open air. He actually didn’t have a bad game overall. He had eight points and 10 rebounds. He racked up three assists. He got to the free throw line 10 times. But he couldn’t make a single basket against Andray Blatche? Seriously? C’mon, KG.

Lion Face: JR Smith
I really feel bad for Nuggets fans. They’re one piece away from being able to challenge the Lakers in a seven-game series. It probably needed to be an extra big man but it easily could have just been retaining Linas Kleiza. Instead, now they have to pray Kenyon Martin isn’t out for the rest of the season and hope JR Smith continues to have great contributions like the 20-point, seven-assist performance he had against the Blazers. If you’re going to base your playoff hopes on the shot selection and offensive execution of JR Smith, then you’re probably in for a disappointment. But on any given night in the regular season, he can be electricity. When his game is going, he’s unstoppable.

Lemon Face: The Celtics’ First 42 minutes
For the first 42 minutes of the game against the Wizards, the Celtics were looking to be the most pathetic playoff team we’ve ever seen. Old. Disgusting. Letting themselves go. They could only manage a measly 66 points against the Washington Wizards who gutted their team in hopes of tanking and rebuilding. And then…

Lion Face: Ray Allen’s Clutchitude
The Celtics got their stuff together. Shots started falling. They got away with being more physical than the Wizards even if it meant bending some rules. And most of all, Ray Allen’s shot started to fall. He threw down a dunk. Then he sniped in a couple of clutch threes to give the Celtics a lead and then a win. Say what you will about the Celtics trade deadline deal and not taking advantage of Ray Allen’s expiring, if there is ANY chance that the Celtics can make a great run into the playoffs this year it only happens with Ray Allen’s clutch shooting.

Lemon Face: Randy Foye
Oh I remember you, Randy Foye. My Wolves fandom remembers you all too well. People will look to the eight assists and say that your playmaking ability is actually quite underrated. They’ll ignore the 3/14 shooting night. But I know better. All of us know better who tried to talk ourselves into you over Brandon Roy. I won’t let you fool anyone ever again.

Lion Face: Aldray Thorntatche
Al Thornton and Andray Blatche almost single-handedly beat the Boston Celtics on Sunday by becoming this two-headed monster of a forward tandem. They helped inspire JaVale McGee to get to the line and block a handful of shots. Most of all, they combined for 47 points, 20 rebounds and four steals. They seemingly took turns terrorizing the old guys on Boston throughout the game. I would like to see this monster more often. In fact, I’d like to see this monster so much and so consistently that the Wizards have no choice to build around it. And I want that to end up being a good decision.

Lemon Face: Kings’ Free Throw Shooting
In a game they lost by six, the Kings missed nine free throws. Tyreke Evans missed three in the fourth quarter. Carl Landry who had made 88% of his Sacramento free throws going into this game and was also on a streak of 20 made in a row, missed his first two attempts. He’d go on to miss one more. This is the reason Sacramento can’t have nice things.

Lion Face: Russell Westbrook
Westbrook got inadvertently hit in the eye by Carl Landry. It split Westbrook open and he had to get stitches in the game to close the wound. He came back right before the end of the third quarter to try to make sure his team didn’t blow a road win they could definitely use. He seemingly had enough of the rough play and Thunder miscues. So he went to the basket. Over and over again. He scored 13 points in the fourth quarter to lead the Thunder to victory and finished with a stat line of 21 points, eight rebounds, four assists and five stitches. From now on, instead of making note of all the times Westbrook drives to the basket, we should make note of all the times he gets stopped driving to the basket. It will be a much shorter list for us to keep.

Lion Face: Andre Miller Dunked… What?

I don’t know what to tell you. Do I believe it actually happened? Of course not. That would be preposterous . There’s no way Andre Miller dunked in a game at the age of 47. It’s just no feasible. Maybe he laid it up really hard. Maybe Jerryd Bayless was wearing an Andre Miller jersey as some sort of sophomore hazing ritual with the Blazers and HE dunked the ball. Maybe we’re watching a video game and someone messed with his dunk rating. I’m not quite sure how to explain what the video shows. But I do know one thing: there’s not a single reason for ANY OF US to believe that Andre Miller dunked a basketball on Sunday night. Not a one.