
Photo by UltimateGingerbread from Flickr
He doesn’t just want that to be the coach’s philosophy. It appears he wants it to be a part of who the person is at the very core, someone whose “DNA is up-tempo.”
“Someone whose DNA is, ‘That’s how I coached. That’s how my teams have played. That’s how I believe we should play,’” Kahn said. “Because we’ve very carefully built this roster over the last couple years to play this style of play.”
via David Kahn of Minnesota Timberwolves wants ‘up-tempo DNA’ in next coach – ESPN.
While they were free from a coach unable to stock their pantry with wins, times were indeed dark for David Kahnsel and Glentel Taylor. After severing ties with Rambis the Woodcutter, the two boys fled into the forests of Minnesota, yearning to find the sustenance they were sure they needed.
“If only we can find up-tempo!” Kahnsel constantly cried, much to the cosnternation of Glentel. Glentel started to lose faith in Kahnsel and his plan, but at this point had little to gain by venturing out on his own. The raving maniac, his cravings for speed, his steadfast belief in the recipe he carried with him and the need to find the right cook – all Glentel could do was hang on for dear life and hope that his brother would lead him to a place where his idea of a feast was more than .500.
Then, a clearing – and what a sight! A home, miraculously constructed of fast breaks, open-court smashes, and Magic Johnson’s smile appeared before the two men. From the open windows wafted the aroma of victory and contentment. Kahnsel and Glentel shared a glance. As quickly as the trees parted, their faces became alight with new-found grins. Here was their new home! Here was their triumph!
Kahnsel, the manifestation of his desires, charged like a madman for the door. He prepared to knock, only to find the door flung open by a kindly old man with a gleam in his eye. Dressed impeccably, with salt and pepper hair and a pair of spectacles that screamed “wisdom,” he was everything Kahnsel ever wanted.
“Your home, sir, is lovely! My brother and I are orphans searching for a place to spend the night and a bite to eat. Might we bother you?” Glentel spoke up as his slack-jawed brother stood in wide-eyed admiration.
The old man smiled and, without a word, gestured to the boys to enter. He led them to the kitchen – a raucous room, striking a balance between alchemical experimentation and gastronomical exploitation. Here were things that should not be – whole ducks roasted in the blink of an eye, egg timers that measured nanoseconds and molecules of water with so much energy that they existed naturally as steam.
“Please, boys, sit down. I’ll be right back!”
As they excitedly sat at a small table in a room adjoining the kitchen, Khnhsel could hardly contain his enthusiasm. “We’ve found a new home! We’re finally going to get everything we wanted, Gentel!”
“Let’s make sure this guy is everything he seems he is first, Kahnsel. We don’t want to make any hasty dec…”
That suddenly, the old man was back. His arms flowed with trays of food and drink – for a split second, anyway, before he set them down faster than either boy could see. Lightning was in this man’s DNA, flying back and forth between the two rooms, piling the table higher and higher until it strained and squeaked under the load.
“Eat boys! Eat! There’s so much more! FASTER! YOU ARE NOT EATING FAST ENOUGH!”
Half from terror, half from hunger, Kahnsel and Glentel choked down as much as they could as quickly as they could. They became incredibly sloppy as they became more and more laden by the burden of speed. Every other bite ended up on the floor or on their clothes. Glasses were raised and liquids spilled over the shoulder in a desperate attempt to keep up with the untenable pace. Soon the boys could do nothing but react to the flow of solids and liquids around them. There was no time to think. There was no time to plan.
Most detrimental of all, there was no time to feel. As they ate, the old man circled the table, taking bite after bite out of Kahnsel and Glentel. Yet in their furious flurry, neither brother had the time to stop and consider the situation. Neither could question whether what they were doing was right. In seven courses or less, both boys were rendered skeletons, completely cannibalized by Kahnsel’s dreams.
And the worst part of all? Timberwolves fans had to watch on television the entire time.