Hardwood Paroxysm Presents: The Cleveland Cavaliers Season Preview 2011-2012: Kyrie Eleison
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. The lockout has lifted, we have a season, can I get an Amen? (Amen.) And in the spirit of renewal, our shiny new cadre of writers is putting together previews for all 30 teams in true HP style. From where teams are going to what their disgrace is to explorations of pop culture, we are about to rock, salute us, can I get an Amen? (Amen.) So sit back, relax, and ponder the awesomeness of this fully operational Hardwood Paroxysm 3.0. -Ed.
Image via Al_HikesAZ on Flickr
QUO VADIMUS (WHERE ARE WE GOING?)
by Amin Vafa
Well, Cavs, where are you going? There are three choices here: Up, down, and stasis. Although fanbases tend to enjoy progress (or, “Up”), it is definitely in the best interests of this organization to go down or stay in place. The Cavs will most certainly be in the lottery next season, and although this draft class is said to be deeper than most, the Cavs should do their best to ensure they are picking in the top 5, if not the top 3, since they’ve got some pretty sizable holes to fill on their roster. How do they fill those holes? Well for one, they need to stink. Now, they don’t need to be putrid, but they just need to be bad enough to lose most of their games. Fans don’t want to see their team get embarrassed, but I think a gut-punch loss every now and then would be tolerable as long as there is an inkling of development from Irving and Thompson. If at season’s end the future looks bright with those two AND the team is headed to the lottery, the season will have been a success. Another way they ensure picking in the lottery is ridding themselves of any remaining assets–namely Andersen Varejao. As a Cavs fan, I love Andy. But by the time this team is good again, Andy’s not going to have any value. This offseason saw many teams vying after bigs, but very few teams being fulfilled. Andy needs to be flipped for some cap space, developing studs, draft picks, or any combination thereof. With Jamison’s contract expiring, this team needs to make sure it can pair that space with assets and picks so the Cavs can move forward. And so that Cleveland can move on.
WHO WANTS TO START A CULT ABOUT
Antawn Jamison! (?) Why? Because it’s about damn time people started cults for nice guys. Didn’t you know? Jamison’s a nice guy. He’s a consummate professional, and a real nice guy. He’s nice to everyone in the locker room. And he’s nice to reporters. And he’s nice to fans, and teammates, and opponents. Really nice. Super nice. He’s got this nice scoop shot, and shoots a nice percentage from 3 for a guy who’s a nice 6’9″. But yeah, he’s nice, so wouldn’t it be nice to worship him? So, so nice. So nice, in fact, he has absolutely zero time to play defense.
POPULAR THEORIES IN EMERGING BASKETBALL-RELATED CROSS-CULTURAL REFERENCES
by Amin Vafa
Even though it’s pronounced “Ra-MAHN” not “Ra-MONE,” I would still like to see Sessions walk onto the court like this every night. I mean, he cuts through defenses like a razor to get to the line, and one time I saw him suplex Samardo Samuels (Note: No I didn’t.). So I think the nickname should stick.
A BRIEF VIDEO INTERLUDE: The National’s “Bloodbuzz Ohio”
by Amin Vafa
As far as I’m concerned, this should be playing every time a transaction results in a player going to Cleveland. Draft, trade, free agency, whatever. There is not one person out there who can assure me that Omri Casspi wasn’t carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees, OK?
THE DISGRACE
by Scott Leedy
Cleveland fans can hold on to their contempt and hatred for Lebron James and his departure, but ultimately the black sheep of their beloved organization is its fearless, insolent leader. Dan Gilbert has written or said so many stupid things, it’s hard to keep track. We all remember the infamous comic sans letter that was nothing short of a disgrace. Gilbert was merely making public what should’ve been readily apparent: that he was incapable of running his franchise effectively. Yes, LeBron James is an incredibly difficult personality to manage. Sure, many other owners would’ve have done whatever just to appease “The Chosen One,” that doesn’t mean it wasn’t incredibly foolish and detrimental to the organization’s future. Whether it was Gilbert himself or the people he hired the personnel decisions made by the team were questionable at best. Looking back on it not including JJ Hickson in order to acquire Amar’e Stoudemire, stands as one of the greatest misfires of the past few years. So Cleveland you can still point the finger at LeBron James; I know you will. But honestly ask yourself: Why would anyone want to work for Dan Gilbert?
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME? I WILL REMEMBER YOU.
by Noam Schiller
Cleveland’s LeBron James era had its ups-and-downs, for sure, but it’s over. It has been for a while. Cleveland’s Kyrie Irving era is on the cusp of beginning, and we have no idea how it turns out. None. Which is always fun.
But in between those two, there was an awkward, pretty horrendous, virtually unprecedented 2010-2011 turn. And while Cavs fans will probably be happy to stash it deep inside the history books, quite a bit happened during that we will probably never, ever see again.
We will never, ever see J.J. Hickson lead an NBA team in total points over the course of an entire year again. We will never see an offense that hangs its head in shame as it once again realizes it has no options other that Samardo Samuels. We will not be seeing Manny Harris, at least not in Cleveland.
We will (hopefully) never again see a team’s most efficient offensive player be Ramon Sessions. We will never again see Alonzo Gee start 29 games in an NBA season… though I wish we would. We will never again see a guy like Antawn Jamison blatantly give up on an entire NBA season… unless he stays for another year. We will never Ryan Hollins. Not willingly.
No more 55 point blowouts, no more 26 game losing streaks. No more breakouts by Daniel Gibson, though, who knows with this kid? No more Baron Davis eating his way towards… well, a lot more of that.
I mean not to bring pain, nor to enlighten the faces of Cav fans with the knowledge that this monstrosity is gone. Even a uniquely horrible season is unique, and uniqueness should be revered, if not celebrated. Ideally, when Kyrie Irving leads an upstart Cavs team to playoff achievements three years down the road, 2010-2011 will no longer be a terrifying nightmare, but a whimsy memory, an odd phase that was necessary to kick-start a process of recovery.
Oster-Tags: 2011-12 Season Previews, bloodbuzz, cleveland cavaliers, razorramon
