It’s baaaaack… Fellow Paroxite James Herbert and I will be working on our facial expressions. And in the spirit of Christmas, which by the time you read this will be long gone, we’ll be determining who was naughty and who was nice. It’s what Santa would have wanted.  

Take it away, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck:

Lion Face: Carmelo Anthony

Okay, maybe not the most pristine performance as a point forward (some bad reads and passes), but it didn’t matter. This was one of Melo’s finest performances period. 37 points on 17 shots. He took and made almost as many free throws (13-15) as his number of attempted field goals. Open shots, step-through three-pointers, contested fadeaways. Again: 37 points on 17 shots, which should be totally sustainable. But seriously, it’s  great to see New York basketball back. And as one of the many Melo detractors on the interwebs, I really wouldn’t mind seeing more performances like this in the near future. – Danny Chau

Lemon Face: Toney Douglas

I’m starting to hate this meme. Because he doesn’t do good. He shoots everything and anything. He bricks threes. He vastly overrates the touch on his runners and floaters. What he doesn’t do (because he doesn’t really know how) is run a team. And you can’t expect someone to do something he doesn’t know how to do. Douglas led the Knicks in field goal attempts with 19. That’s two more than Melo, who scored 18 more points. The Knicks need a point guard in the worst way, but they officially do not have a single capable soul on the roster. Iman Shumpert, their pet project (whose problems are very much similar to Douglas’s) has gone down with a knee injury, and Mike Bibby is not capable of anything. So this means more of Douglas doing what he do. Have fun, New York. And hope to every deity in the universe and beyond that Melo figures out this “point forward” thing. -DC

Lion Face: Rajon Rondo

He made jump shots. Plural. Oh, and, 31 points (on 19 shots!), 13 assists, 5 boards, 5 steals, OH NO I’M BECOMING MR. BOXSCORE. Okay, Rondo was responsible for pretty much anything positive the Celtics’ did on offense. His shot looked smoother at the free throw line and on J’s. In the third quarter alone, he had 10 points and six assists. The Knicks in that quarter? One assist. I’m mad the Celtics dropped this and it’s not because I’m anti-Knick. I just hate that Boston wasted his performance. Also, I’m glad nobody heard the noise I made when this happened:

I missed that so much.  -James Herbert

Lemon Face: Shump Shump Sprained Sprained His Knee Knee

Don’t act like you’re too cool to like Iman Shumpert. Yeah, some Knicks fans have ridiculously high expectations and yeah, dude shot 3-13 and a lot of them were easy shots. But hey, a lot of them were easy shots! Shump’s mistakes were endearing to me — he’d make a nice move, then he’d flub a layup and I’d be like, “Awww, Shump Shump! You’ll finish it next time.” After colliding with Chris Wilcox, next time won’t be for another 2-4 weeks. This might actually mean 2-4 weeks of Mike Bibby. I thought we were past that, NBA. -JH

Lion Face: Miami Heat Offense / DOUBLE ALLEY-OOP

Wade in the post. LeBron in the post. Neither settled for wily, contested three-pointers because there was very little need to do so. If this is a preview of what’s to come, the league should be petrified. Sure, Dallas looked awfully out of sync, but the Heat are finally in their element thanks to Erik Spoelstra’s willingness to loosen the reins a bit. Oh, and about that alley-oop. This team has a knack for making the spectacular seem ordinary. LeBron turned a potentially bad situation (a blown dunk or a steal by Marion) into an easy two points with a play that was both loud and understated at the same time. The game is really easy for the Heat right now. It’s incredible/frightening. – DC

Lemon Face: Vince Carter and Lamar Odom

It’s almost unfair to single out one Maverick, so I picked two. While failing against Miami was a TEAM effort, these two recent acquisitions stood out. VC missed the Mavs’ first two shots of the game and finished 2-6 from the floor. He was benched at the start of the second half in favor of Delonte West. Odom went 1-6, got himself ejected halfway through the third, and kept showing up in reality show commercials all damn day. -JH

Lion Face: Andris Biedrins

Biedrins looks like he hates basketball less this year

December 25, 2011 3:52 pm via TweetDeckReplyRetweetFavorite

@BeckleyMason

Beckley Mason

I love the version of Biedrins that enjoys basketball! I keep reminding myself it’s just one game, but he looked engaged and confident and this is exciting, dammit. Good Andris Biedrins protected the basket and had a weird knack for getting rebounds in traffic when people really should be outmuscling him. He also finished at an incredibly high rate. I’ve no idea where he went for two years, but Good Andris Biedrins showed up. Is it just that he’s finally healthy? Has Mark Jackson fixed him? Was it just a Christmas miracle? -JH

Lemon Face: Chauncey Billups

It’s one thing to be a fun-suck by making safe and ordinary decisions (which are probably for the best). It’s another to disrupt the flow of the game with ill-advised shots. Billups went 6-19 from the field, so yeah, even Toney Douglas shot better than him from the field. Most of his misses came from threes that he was just so confident he’d make. Open, contested, it didn’t matter — though this has been the case for years now. Problem is, he’s playing alongside the best point guard of this generation and the most promising young big man in the game. He shouldn’t be taking the most shots in the game, especially when he’s missing more than twice as many as he’s made. Billups, I get it. You didn’t want to get pushed around by teams. But you’re in a good opportunity right now. Stop trying to sabotage it.

Of course, the performance would’ve been a lot more worrisome if the Clippers lost. Winning is a spray-on band-aid. - DC

Lion Face: DeAndre Jordan

Eight blocks, and a thousand other altered shots while only committing two fouls. This is noteworthy, since DeAndre had three or more fouls in 72.5% of the games he played last season. DeAndre was impressive on defense last night to say the least. His effort on surely mask his woes at the free throw line. Speaking of which… - DC

Lemon Face: Mark Jackson’s Hack-A-DeAndre Tactic

 - DC

Lion Face: Ryan Anderson’s Fantasy Basketball Value 

Ryan Anderson is sitting by himself in a dining hall at an elongated dinner table feasting. The Magic, as currently constructed, don’t have a clear-cut second or third option, and all signs seem to point to Anderson to fill those spots on some nights. He’ll have plenty of opportunities to camp out behind the three point line as shown by his 6-12 shooting from three last night. It’ll be unreasonable to expect a double-double every night, but Anderson is a capable rebounder who should be able to get six or seven a night. If Anderson improves his rebounding numbers, he could be what Troy Murphy was for fantasy basketball a few years ago, except a much more prolific outside threat. Pick him up in the late rounds and shock your friends with your competence. – DC

Lemon Face: Metta World Peace

I’m not ready for MWP to be this bad. I felt like something terrible was about to happen every time he touched the ball and, most of the time, I was right. And when did he get so slow? -JH

Lion Face: Derrick Rose’s Threes

The story is his game-winner over Pau Gasol, but what I’m really excited about is his stroke. Rose made four of his six three point attempts. This one time I wrote about how working on his post game shouldn’t come at the expense of becoming a more consistent shooter. It’s just one game, but man, those shots looked effortless. -JH

Lemon Face: Derrick Rose’s Free Throws

There were none. He went 0-0. We’ve been saying it forever: this shouldn’t happen to the point guard version of LeBron. -JH

Lion Face: The Bulls’ Last Second Stop

It took me a few replays to realize it was Deng who blocked it. How beautiful is that, everyone converging, no one coming close to fouling him? -JH

Lemon Face: Luol Deng’s Haircut

– DC

1. Christmas 1984

New Jersey Nets vs. New York Knicks

Gift by: Bernard King – 60 points

The 6-7 forward set the standard for festive season feats when he tried valiantly to guide his Knickerbockers to a holy holiday victory. Despite dropping an hours worth of points, Buck Williams and the Nets still prevailed, walking away 120-114 victors. Since that memorable King of New York showing, Kobe Bryant’s 61 point in Madison Square Garden (Feb. 2, 2009—fourth highest of his career) may have eclipsed the long-standing benchmark. But never fear Knicks fans, King’s 60 remains the highest single-game Christmas Day scoring total.

- Via The 10 Best Christmas Day NBA Performances

This is shaping up to be the best Christmas I’ve ever had. Notwithstanding the one when I had chicken pox. Or the one when I got a basketball hoop. Anyways, the point is the NBA is back and before the games get fully tilted, enjoy a Christmas classic. The game Bernard King scored 60 against the Nets.

Photo by Fellowship of the Rich on Flickr

QUO VADIMUS

By Matt Moore

I’m never going to doubt Masai Ujiri again.

Throughout last year’s debacle, I was convinced Ujiri was out of his league, thrust into his first job as an NBA GM  facing too serious of a decision: what to get in return for Carmelo Anthony. Each month that creeped along, I felt Ujiri was losing leverage, risking losing the sweet deals already on the table for the gun-gun-gunner small forward franchise player. I was sure the Nuggets were on the brink of disaster.

Once again, I’m proven to be a moron.

I hate teams that don’t commit to a plan. You need to decide what you’re doing to win a championship. The Hawks are a debacle, but at least they have a plan. “We have good players, we’ve invested time and money in them, and we’ve won a lot of games with them, so we’re going to overpay for them and hope  miracle happens.” For the Nuggets, it’s tempting to wonder what they’re doing, why they’re re-signing Nene while building through the draft; why they’re picking up versatile young players with upside to bargain with while committing to long-term contracts for Arron Afflalo and ignoring the J.R. Smith situation.

But when you take a step back, when you don’t consider any one decision within the context the previous one, two, or three, when you see the whole board, something begins to take shape.

The Nuggets are doing everything at once. And it’s working.

They’re a playoff team that’s looking to the future. They’re a young team with veteran leadership. They’re committed for the long-term and have a lot of flexibility. They’re going to be pretty good and they could be great in a few years.

Think about how good this team is going to be if any one of the following things happen:

1. Nene takes a step forward in his prime and becomes a legitimate franchise center.

2. Lawson makes “the leap” and evolves into a top-flight point guard.

3. Gallinari puts it all together, which he’s shown flashes of already, being an aggressive, dynamic perimeter shooter who can dunk on you, rebound, pass from the wing or high post and defend.

4. Faried turns out to be a defensive force.

5.  Jordan Hamilton surprises and fills in offensively.

6. Afflalo becomes one of the top seven shooting guards in the league.

Any one of those things happen and the Nuggets are a step ahead. Without any of them? It’s a late-seed playoff team that’s a hard out.

There’s all this talk about Smith and his absence. Everyone says “Yeah, he’s nuts, but look at the numbers.” The problem is that the Nuggets’ offense under Karl has always been good. And that’s on account of the system maximizing each player’s potential, not any one combination of players. And Smith? Smith jacks with that. The reason he gets yanked so much isn’t because of pure shot selection or defense. It’s that he goes off script. There’s improvising. And then there’s turning “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” into “Rent.” They’re two different plays!

Chandler was never coming back. They’re set at the wings, and he was always going to go elsewhere (and probably be very good).

And KMart? Come on. The team’s moved on.

So this team could be very good this year. They could be great next year. And they may wind up very Rockets-like, always with superb talent, never with a superstar. But they’ve got so many guys who could become elite, they’re not lacking hope. This is a team that has improved with every move it’s made. Traded Raymond Felton, a great starter because they already had Lawson? Oh, they only got Andre Miller, an extremely capable back-up who can also lead the team when it needs settling… and a draft pick which became Jordan Hamilton who I’m very high on. They grabbed Rudy Fernandez and Corey Brewer for nothing, for crying out loud.

They’re going in every direction, all at once, and it’s kind of beautiful to watch.

I’m sold. Masai Ujiri knows what he’s doing. Let’s see what happens next.

Let’s Start Cult About Ty Lawson:

By Scott Leedy

It may seem that a cult about Ty Lawson may be somewhat if not completely boring. Ty has neither an eccentric nor exuberant personality. You won’t find anything crazy or noteworthy on his twitter feed, and unlike his former teammate JR Smith their are no bizarre on court antics to behold. The cult of Ty Lawson is not one of personality or character, rather it is an encapsulation of what Ty Lawson’s play exudes. Lots of players travel at tremendous speeds. Being fast or quick isn’t inherently new or unique. What separates Ty from the rest of these superhuman speedsters is his ability to seem totally under control while moving at a break neck pace.

Ty’s gift for quickness and explosion is as much cognitive as it physical. Players this fast are supposed to feel out of control, and supposed to make too many mistakes. But Ty’s brain works at a quicker rate. It’s not that time slows down for Ty; he was designed to live at a faster pace. It’s almost as if Lawson lives on an entirely different temporal paradigm. It’s what makes him both successful and breathtaking. He’s able to combine the chaos and destruction of incendiary speed with the tactical advantages of sharp, deliberate decision making.

Nowhere is Ty’s combination of craftiness and explosiveness more evident then in his remarkable ability to finish shots at the rim. Standing at what is likely a generous listing of 5 feet eleven inches, Lawson was able to finish an impressive 63.2% of his shots at the rim last season. Ty has a very powerful burst towards that rim, that combined with incredible body control and basketball acumen allow him to engage and finish over much taller defenders.

Where others feel limited by their height or size, Ty has found ways to transcend it. Pushing at the perception of possibility and limits stands at the essence of Ty Lawson’s existence. He makes us believe in more. Forces us to test and question our notions of human capability. He’s as much a concept as he his a basketball player; the true embodiment of “fast”.

A BRIEF VIDEO INTERLUDE

By Curtis Harris

Like Whoopi Goldberg cast off to a convent in Sister Act, Melvin Ely, Wilson Chandler, Kenyon Martin and J.R. Smith are currently not having the times of their life in China. Here is their clarion call for help, aid and comfort.

I WILL REMEMBER YOU WILL YOU REMEMBER ME

This team is going to be overlooked by many and not win a championship. But for fans of this team, it could wind up as one of the most popular squads in franchise history. It has everything you could want for a team like this. The veteran underrated star with one name, the dynamic young point, the Italian hot stuff, the gravedigger blue-collar rookie. And Birdman. Always Birdman.

There are teams that we love not because they’re great, but because they are enjoyable. Those are the teams that the NBA’s really about. Don’t get fooled. This talk of greatness, pomp and circumstance, 72 wins and threepeats? Window dressing. It’s there for bandwagon fans and studio hosts. This league has a backbone of that Tuesday night in February double-overtime game when that player that you knew nothing about two years ago steals your heart with a dagger fadeaway three. The Nuggets are a team like that.

They’ve gone through so much with Melo but instead of being decimated, they’ve got a full house and a huge stack.

All-in for the Nuggets.

Photo by fallen_angel on Flickr

QUO VADIMUS

by Matt Moore

If I told you I think Joe Dumars is failing upwards for the second time in his career, with a period of succeeding downwards in the middle, would it make sense?

Joe Dumars thought: “Hmmm. Billups, Hamilton, Prince, Sheed, and Ben Wallace. Yeah, I can win a title with that.” And he did! And it was genius! “I’m going to draft Darko instead of Melo” Worked out great! “I’m going to wait to blow the team up and just let it continue to play together.” Worked pretty well.

Then: “OK, we’re going to go out and get two of the best free agents in the market,” (Villanueva hadn’t gone to complete crap yet) “and simultaneously add young players through smart drafting while having a core with enough talent to win and be attractive as a contender to a major free agent.” WORST. IDEA. EVER.

This isn’t at all to say that Dumars’ moves starting in 2009 were wise. Or rational. Or good. Just that the plan itself wasn’t madness. But what has been bordering on insanity has been Dumars’ resistance to accepting the fact that it’s over. The plan is dead. I appreciate the fact that the Wright brothers couldn’t give up after the first few crashes, but they might have wanted to take the gigantic rocks off the wings.

What killed me about the two-week offseason of the Pistons was that they had the options right there. Let Tayshaun walk, start Daye. Move Stuckey in a sign-and-trade or get him back at the lowest value possible. Buiid around: Knight-Daye-Jerebko-Monroe. You’re absolutely right, that’s a terrible team. But it’s a great foundation. You add one quality star to that, through draft, free agency, trade, and you’ve got yourself something. Ben Gordon can get you where you want to go in terms of assets, you just have to know how hard to push and give up on equal value. Dump Villanueva through any means necessary (remember the golden rule in the NBA: there’s always someone stupid enough to trade for your albatross). The framework was there.

But no.

Instead the Pistons are headed two directions at once. And I’m fairly certain they’re going to be a decent team. I don’t think the playoffs are out of the question. Too often people just look at the record last year. Most didn’t watch a single game. The reality? That team has talent, and ability. It was horribly, terribly, God-awfully coached. As in, “the worst coaching job I may have ever seen.” Frank will do better, will get more out of them, the young guys will improve, the injuries won’t be as bad.

But Dumars can’t just try and get through. There has to be a plan. He’s got to execute something resembling a series of goals, to establish something close to an identity. The Pistons have promise, and they’re going to kick a few team’s teeth in while also losing some bicuspids of their own. But Dumars has to figure out if he’s falling up or climbing down.

Who Wants To Start A Cult About: Austin Daye

by Matt Moore

There is nothing good in terms of metrics about Austin Daye. It’s infuriating, because as someone who leans on those as a guide, but not the end-all, I can usually find something in there to justify a positive evaluation. If I can’t, I abandon it. But Daye, I’m stuck with. He’s got so much potential, and not in the “oh, wow, so athletic, if he just gains 700 points of basketball IQ…” the kid’s got a legitimate set of abilities. He’s plugged in. His biggest problem on offense is that he’s shooting 41 freaking percent, but beyond that, it’s that he has too much self-confidence. Daye shot 40 percent from the arc last year. And 41 percent from the field. Only six players shot less than 42 percent from the field and better than 40 percent from 3. The only other one with over 1,000 minutes was Daniel Gibson. So again, not exactly all-inspiring confidence here.

But Daye still makes a huge number of plays when he’s on the floor that helps his team. He dropped his turnovers last season and his steals and blocks will shoot up. It’s too much to say that he’s going to have a breakout season. He still can’t creat off the dribble. But Daye could wind up being the guy who makes teams go “Wait, who?!” this season and with that kind of athleticism and the ability to dagger from the arc? A smart player who succumbs to his own impluses?

I’m willing to build a shrine to that. I did build a shrine to it. I called it Hardwood Paroxysm.

The Disgrace

by Amin Vafa

Full disclosure: I’m a Cavs fan. Thus, I tend to disagree with the “Joe Dumars is a front office genius” theory widely assumed across NBA conversational circles. The superstar-less Pistons had a great run in the 2000s—during which they won a title (pssh, only because the Lakers were lazy, amirite?) and 4 of their 5 starters were named as starters to the All-Star Game in 2006—but the Pistons front office has made more bonehead moves by my count (5) than they have good moves (1)—i.e. that one mid-season trade in 2004 that landed them Rasheed Wallace and eventually the NBA title.

Cutting to the chase: the Pistons have made 5 Bonehead moves in the past few years that have put them in a place to rebuild through the draft, but not through trades and cap space. Here they are, in no particular order:

They traded Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess for Allen Iverson in the first week of the regular season under brand new coach Michael Curry. Had this trade happened during the offseason, it would have allowed the team to gel a bit better, but the growing pains of swapping a former NBA Finals MVP/offense initiator for a ball-dominant past-his-prime crossover specialist coupled with everyone trying to learn a rookie coach’s new—and ineffective—system were too tall tasks to be performed together. Thus began the awkward rebuild stage that started with unintended tanking. Coach Curry would eventually be fired at the end of the season, in favor of former Mike Brown assistant John Kuester (also fired in favor of Lawrence Frank).

Rip Hamilton, whose job satisfaction had dropped significantly with the subtraction of Billups and the addition of Iverson and Curry, and whose salary seemed perfectly reasonable for his age and performance potential, was inexplicably signed to a new bloated contract extension (an additional 3 years and $34million) before his contract was due to expire. After that, he proceeded to remain dissatisfied with his job and Pistons management, but he also vetoed any trades. He was eventually bought out this month and was quickly signed by the Chicago Bulls to replace their hole at 2-guard that was created by the departure of…

Ben Gordon! Who was inexplicably signed to a 5-year $58 million contract. Well I guess there’s some explanation: the FA pool in 2009 was shallow, and Dumars wanted to make the biggest splash possible. Apparently he decided the splash wasn’t quite big enough, so he climbed up to the high-dive, curled up into cannonball formation, and signed…
Charlie Villanueva! Also to a 5-year $40 million contract. Charlie V! What’s his biggest impact so far since the signing? Getting in a fist-fight with Cavs (ugh) big-man Ryan Hollins. You’re never going to win that fight, Charlie. Don’t you know his hands are made of stone? Since signing Gordon, Villanueva, and Rip the Pistons’ winning percentage has been 34.8%. That’s sort of how you tank, I guess.
The last Bonehead move is only financially boneheaded. It has an emotional excuse: nostalgia. This month, the Pistons signed Tayshaun Prince to perhaps his final contract as an NBA player. Sure, let Tay finish his time in Detroit, just like Ben Wallace (who’s on a vet’s minimum contract, btw). Wait? You signed him to how much? Four years and $27million, really? And he’s in the rotation ahead of Austin Daye? One of your core youngsters going forward? So Daye’s minutes will be limited in an already shortened season?
OK, sure Joe. Do whatever. I mean, I never won an NBA title, so what do I know?

WILL YOU REMEMBER ME I WILL REMEMBER YOU

by Amin Vafa

When the season comes to a close in June (wait, the season will end? I thought you promised not to leave me anymore, NBA? HOW COULD YOU?), Detroit will not be in the playoffs? How do I know that? Too many new players that haven’t played together long enough that are also playing under their fourth coach in four years. Fortunately for the Pistons, their young core going forward of Stuckey, Knight, Daye, Jerebko, and Monroe is very promising. Two more things will make this team more promising next season: Lawrence Frank is a damn good coach, and they’ll be picking in the lottery again in next year’s deep draft. Add a sixth guy to that core, smack Gordon and Villanueva into being more productive (or better yet, amnesty one of them and trade the other), and you’ve got a Pistons team that’s on the up-and-up in the next few years. Not as good as good as the Bulls and Pacers, but slightly ahead of the Cavs (depending on how they handle their draft and their remaining large contracts) and ahead of the Bucks (who confuse the hell out of me). June in Detroit will be chock full of promise for the following November.

POPULAR THEORIES IN EMERGING BASKETBALL-CULTURAL CROSS-REFERENCES

by Amin Vafa

What could more perfectly symbolize wanting to watch the once-great Pistons futilely battle their way back to relevance than RUIN PORN! Go ahead, take a look at what Detroit looks like now, everyone. The people of Detroit (or at least the people in charge of PR) hate Detroit Ruin Porn. As well they should. Staring in awe at the decline of a once great city without wanting to do anything to help it isn’t exactly noble. But what if all we’re really doing as onlookers is scouring the rubble for signs of a new spring?

Quo Vadimus (Where Are We Going?)

by Andrew Lynch

The Dallas Mavericks hope to head toward the same end point they reached last year, but they’re about to Robert Frost that journey. The lasting image of the 2011 NBA Finals, for many, is Tyson Chandler sliding side-to-side along the perimeter, step for step with LeBron James, sealing off any angle of penetration into the lane and frustrating the Heat into submission. With Chandler in the Big Apple, Dallas takes the road less traveled, hoping that the addition of the versatile Lamar Odom will keep this team a top ten offense and that Brendan Haywood and Ian Mahinmi can fill some of the void on the defensive end. J.J. Barea is gone, but Rodrigue Beaubois is healthy and, the Mavericks hope, poised to take his place in the rotation.

Despite the change and question marks, the Jason Kidd/Dirk Nowitzki/Shawn Marion core is still in place, and mad scientist Rick Carlisle is still at the helm. That combination all but assures Dallas of a top-4 seed in the West, barring major injury. As the team showed last year, getting into the postseason is all it takes; surprising things can happen once a team is there. Unfortunately, the drastic drop-off in defense up the middle is likely to doom Dallas’ championship dreams, at least this season. Mark Cuban and the rest of the front office made a choice -- to maintain cap flexibility after this season at the cost of losing their focal point on defense.

As a result, the Mavericks will be good enough to win plenty of games this year. They might even reach the Western Conference Finals, but odds are they’ll go no further. It’s the same situation as last season; the path to that point, however, is a mystery.

LET’S START A CULT ABOUT: JEROME RANDLE

by James Herbert

July 11, 2010. I’m pretty much the happiest man on Earth. I’m at Summer League in Vegas, a week into a massive road trip with my best friend. I can see Jimmy Goldstein, there’s a guy in an Adam Morrison jersey doing play by play from his seat, and I’m about to watch John Wall play his first game since going #1 overall.

I’m telling my friend — not a basketball fan — about Wall. About how I watched more college basketball in the previous season than I had in the few before, all because of him and his teammates. About how he’s easily going to be the best and most exciting player we see here. “See that alien-ish guy? It’s so cool that he’s coaching this team! He used to be really good and he played John Wall’s position.”

“Who’s that little guy?”

“That’s Jerome Randle..”

“He’s AWESOME!”

Yes, yes he was. Maybe not statistically (6 points on 3-7 shooting that day), but, man, that style. That handle. That utterly absurd handle. Randle was somehow more interesting to watch than Wall, in the eyes of a basketball newbie and in the eyes of a Wall fanatic. Every possession was more fun with this 5’9 guy zipping around. He’d effortlessly put defenders on their heels. He had the smoothest-looking jumper of anyone on the court. He threw the flashiest passes and had the best court vision. I hadn’t seen that much of him at Cal, but thought to myself, “This is an NBA player.” A month later, I named my pet rat after him.

Actual experts liked him that day, too, but his play at Summer League didn’t land him an NBA roster spot in 2010. He went to Turkey, where he dealt with the lack of foul calls and had the opportunity to play against Allen Iverson.

“Growing up, I thought I was him,” Randle said. “Dressed like him, talked like him, tried to play and shoot like him. Not making the NBA right away was disappointing, but playing against him was like the best consolation prize ever.”

Via “Berkeley to Turkey,” 2/24/11

If you grew up on Iverson like I did, this will make you want to start a cult about Jerome Randle if you didn’t already. If you’re in The Cult of Jerome Randle, you’d name your pets after him. You believe that he deserves to be treated like this wherever he goes. While he might not have an NBA MVP award in his future, you know it’s just a matter of time before he makes the league. After scoring agorillion points for the Mavs in the preseason, he signed with their D-League affiliate, the Texas Legends. Now we wait for his call-up.

We’re all just one more sleep away from an all-you-can-eat buffet of NBA games and story lines, of highlights and soundbites, of stratagems and evolutions. It’s all there, neatly wrapped, just waiting for tomorrow’s noon (EST) tipoff.

Welcome back, NBA. And NBA fans? Welcome home.

Via Flickr, The Powerhouse Museum Collection

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. The lockout has lifted, we have a season, can I get an Amen? (Amen.) And in the spirit of renewal, our shiny new cadre of writers is putting together previews for all 30 teams in true HP style. From where teams are going to what their disgrace is to explorations of pop culture, we are about to rock, salute us, can I get an Amen? (Amen.) So sit back, relax, and ponder the awesomeness of this fully operational Hardwood Paroxysm 3.0. -Ed.

Quo Vadimus (Where Are We Going?)

by Andrew Lynch

The issue for the Lakers isn’t where they’re going, but where many think they’re going. Between the twofold Chris Paul drama, Andrew Bynum’s suspension and potential health issues, and the continued wear and tear on Kobe Bryant, it seems more likely that the Lakers will make a break for the panic room than for the NBA Finals.

Bet against the Lakers at your own peril, however. They still have two of the best big men in the game and a coach dedicated to making the most of his height advantage on both ends of the floor. And for all of the question marks, Kobe remains – unquestionably – one of the top 10 players in the game. Quibble over his exact place on that list; he’ll scoff and figure out another way to keep his game at the lofty plane at which he (and we) are accustomed to him performing.

If my faith be misguided, so be it, because most importantly, the Lakers have options. A regional television deal worth nine figures a year is a nice start, even with a more robust revenue sharing plan in place. Having trade bait for the best defensive player in a generation is fantastic, though it might mean gutting the team and, potentially, further weakening a run at this year’s championship. That would be quite a bit of money wrapped up in Kobe and Dwight Howard, with little talent (and few players, really) left on the roster.

Fortunately, Los Angeles holds the ultimate trump card – if they want to, they can free up quite a bit of cap space. Not through trade and not through letting contracts expire over time. All they have to do is cut loose the anchor that potentially holds them back. If the Lakers really want to be the best going forward, then they have the best option of all:

#FreeKobeBryant

Who Wants To Start A Cult McBout: Josh McRoberts

By Danny Chau

You were never the smartest kid in school (well, except for fifth grade, but even that’s debatable). You were never that good with numbers. You stopped taking math class after your junior year in high school, and haven’t looked back since. You love basketball, but haven’t played in a long time. Your finest moment playing basketball happened in junior high, where you jumped into a pickup game during lunch and posted up the new kid at school who literally picked up his schedule three minutes before the lunch bell rang. He’s bigger than you and you have no choice but to turn and shoot a fadeaway. So you do. And you watch as the ball lofts up, and sinks through the basket. The ball forces the nylon net – by now half wasted away by the elements and childish shenanigans – to envelope the rim, like tattered fishnet stockings. Your friends all scream in disbelief, because they know just as well as you do that you are a pretty terrible basketball player. But you were invincible for those 20 seconds. You walk off after the shot, heading towards the lunch line with all the nonchalance in the world. You have a stupid smirk on your face because you know this will forever be the coolest thing that will ever happen in your life.

Welcome to the Cult of Josh McRoberts, a congregation of individuals of the same ilk, a place where we freely share our stories of mediocrity in life and basketball, and whatever lies in between. While all humans are capable of greatness, we have seen very little of it in ourselves. But we work diligently in the hope that one day, we too may be blessed with such grace. Our greatness is limited, but we celebrate it all the same.

In some respects, Josh McRoberts is not like us. He is an outstanding leaper, and has more than enough skill to become a good player in the NBA. Yet, Josh would be the first to tell you that he’s never been one to overachieve. He’s not a “numbers guy,” he says. He’s not a “stats guy.” He’s a long way from his McDonald’s High School All-American days at Carmel High School in Indiana. He’s a long way from his two years at Duke. As each year passed, larger chunks of hype faded and died. Some people aren’t meant to be stars, and some, like McBob, readily embrace that sense of resignation.

He’ll set a hard screen. He’ll shoot when he’s open. He’ll make the right pass. He’ll rebound, and work hard on defense. As a cult leader, he won’t be our salvation. He won’t lift us to a higher plane. That isn’t what this cult is about. When we see McBob throw down a put-back dunk in the bright lights of Hollywood playing for one of the most storied franchises in sports history, we’ll know there is a place somewhere out there for the rest of us. This is the Cult of Josh McRoberts. Are you ready to make the leap?

(… And I know he’s said he doesn’t like the nickname “McBob,” but I don’t think he’ll mind once he’s a cult figure. Once millions start chanting the nickname, he’ll have no choice but to embrace it, really. )

A Brief Video Interlude

by Clint Peterson

It won’t be graceful when it happens, when all the swag and fear come crashing down.

Will You Remember Me, I Will Remember You

by Connor Huchton

When we look back at the 2011-2012 Lakers, will we see the decrepit body of an aging power, now definitively fallen, or will we see a team proudly grasping on to success? Is this the year the Kobe-led Lakers finally collapse beneath age, injuries, and lack of depth? Or do they roar back on the strength of a core equal to almost any team in the league?

I think we’ll view this Lakers team as a transitional squad caught betwixt two eras, between the reign of late 2000s Kobe dominance and whatever new era of Lakers is formed. Inevitably, Kobe is reaching his last few golden years in the league. Try as he might (and believe me, no one tries harder), Kobe can’t simply play through injuries without costing himself longevity. We’ve already seen the beginning of Kobe’s down sloping athleticism in recent years, but that decline will only become more profound as his various injuries, new and old, take their toll.

Though this may very well be a successful season for the Lakers (they still have the talent to make a significant playoff run), how they prepare for the next era, the moving-on-after-Kobe days, will contribute to outside perception of this season. The natural thought is then to question whether the Lakers can make the obvious move and trade for Dwight Howard, ensuring some from of continued franchise success. Maybe they’ll get him. They certainly have the assets to make a trade, though they seem unwilling to part with Gasol and/or Bynum in pursuit of Howard. The recent Brook Lopez injury, which hurts the Knicks, may give them increased leverage.

But in the plausible eventuality that the Lakers fail to acquire Howard and don’t overcome an awful bench by reaching the Finals, what do we remember? Do we remember that this was the year the Lakers finally crumbled and couldn’t re-stock talent immediately? The Lakers won’t need to “rebuild” in the natural sense next year, as their roster will remain largely intact, but an influx of young talent is certainly necessary. As long as Kobe, Gasol, and Bynum remain near their current abilities, the franchise will compete at a relatively high level. But, for once, the idea of the Lakers as the end-all and be-all of Western Conference contenders is fading. If this is the year the Lakers fade from perception, how quickly they reenergize and retool will determine the identity of this season. We’re nearing a new era in Los Angeles, and this year will tell us how quickly (and in what capacity) the Lakers will occupy that future.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. The lockout has lifted, we have a season, can I get an Amen? (Amen.) And in the spirit of renewal, our shiny new cadre of writers is putting together previews for all 30 teams in true HP style. From where teams are going to what their disgrace is to explorations of pop culture, we are about to rock, salute us, can I get an Amen? (Amen.) So sit back, relax, and ponder the awesomeness of this fully operational Hardwood Paroxysm 3.0. -Ed.

Quo Vadimus (Where Are We Going?)

Via Flickr, Tyne & Wear Archives and Museums

by Clint Peterson

Jazz GM Kevin O’Connor doesn’t believe in rebuilding. But it’s hard to blame him in a market whose entire size can barely compare with a single New York borough. This franchise requires success to remain relevant, treading water financially, something they’ve managed admirably.

The Jazz were a hot mess last year, more mirage than substance for the first half, then quickly transitioning into ping pong ball mode in the blink of an eye. The departure of a rigid defensive system fostered by Jerry Sloan for a whole generation should help shore up a defense riddled with more holes than Liza’s famed bucket. Sloan believed in a “force middle” defensive system based almost entirely on effort and willpower, a strategy that worked well. When Mark Eaton was alive. (Note: Mark Eaton is alive and well)

Ty Corbin was thrust into the midst of a tornado last mid-season where all he could do was try and minimize the impact on his players and survive an onslaught of fan grief from a base that is used to winning, and winning a lot. The flex offense Utah uses — centered on ball and player movement and cuts, giving the handler loads of options — will remain largely intact, while Corbin has systematically altered the defensive scheme to one more conducive to it’s personnel by “forcing baseline.” The only team left using force middle is one centered around a defensive force, as Eaton was, in Orlando, anchored by a Defensive Player of the Year.

Pre-lockout, the Jazz brass visited each and every man on the roster, giving them agendas and instructions on what to do to be prepared to play on short notice for whenever the basketball nuclear winter was deemed at an end. There would be no Shawn Kemps on this franchise; players returned in the best shape of their careers lives, a necessity for both O and D systems employed by Utah. Al Jefferson spent literally six straight months at the Jazz’s preferred training facility in Santa Barbara, California, working with staff every single day, an effort that showed in a recent preseason game as he was often –GASP!– the first man down the floor in transition, quite a feat for any big man, but especially impressive due to his rep as a plodder.

Watch Big Al do “box jumps” at P3

CJ Miles, now the longest tenured Jazz man and a veteran at the tender age of 24, decided to dump all the LBs he’d gained in muscle the previous offseason in the interests of explosiveness and was the team’s most consistent player in a pair of preseason burns with the Blazers’ main rotation players, important as he’s been it’s most inconsistent player previously. Both Al and CJ are well aware of their reputations and have stated a public passion to change their games for the betterment of the Jazz.

Utah, long saddled with gems-found-in-the-rough and second round of the draft, have been stockpiling young top ten talent, realizing that that’s where the history of the NBA is written. While still somewhat unpolished, sophs Gordon Hayward and dynamo Derrick Favors — a player whose instincts, explosiveness, and strength rival those of Shaq and Dwight — will look to crack the starting lineup permanently this year and take the next step, while new additions Enes Kanter and Alec Burks stand to see significant time in an edict from the top down stating that the players who have earned it will see the most floor time. Corbin has shown already that he’s more flexible than Sloan when it comes to lineup insertions.

As currently constituted, and despite wide-held belief that the Jazz will once again be represented on the ping pong platform, they could challenge for the lower echelon of playoff positioning in the West if things break their way — they’re in better condition on a compressed schedule than any other team I’ve seen yet, and many West contenders got worse in the offseason scrums. Add to that that they’re once again stable with free agent vet Earl Watson championing locker room chemistry as the best he’s seen in his career and former All-Star Josh Howard breaking down a wall by choosing Utah, the first time this has happened since Danny Manning a decade ago.

It feels as if the Jazz will stand pat for the first few weeks to see how things develop on a roster that’s among the youngest in the league, but if they don’t make hay relatively early on, when the schedule is at it’s softest, don’t be surprised to see them use a $10.8 million trade exception just acquired from New Jersey for Mehmet Okur, possibly combined with a leftover piece from the Deron Williams trade late last February, as leverage to obtain yet another top talent (very possibly at the point, if Devin Harris’ game continues it’s aloof ways).

Make no mistake, KOC is savvy and Corbin committed. And so are their soldiers.

If you need more convincing, don’t sleep on one of the league’s plus-minus kings, a kid who took a frustrated Crash Wallace to task in the 4th quarter the other night, winning his matchup handily (not sure why Elevator Evans’ name doesn’t show up, but it does when you mouseover his stints). Big things, I tell you. BIG THINGS.

Corbin has a full staff for the first time with old friends and newcomers Sidney Lowe and Mike Sanders joining Jeff Hornacek and Scott Layden as assistants. Everything about this team is new: Their game shape, their attitudes and goals, their coaches and system. It feels unfair to judge this group’s future based on their past.

Let’s Start A Cult About: Kyrylo Fesenko

By Noam Schiller

(Note: Kyrylo Fesenko isn’t actually a member of the Utah Jazz. He is currently an unrestricted free agent, and with the  Jazz roster currently holding approximately 163 big men, it is unlikely that he returns.  However, there is not a player among the NBA community that is more cult-worthy than Kyrylo Fesenko. If you are a Utah Jazz fan and this bothers you, we highly recommend you start a cult about Gordon Hayward, because he has the name of a distinguished British gentleman who likes smoking pipes and talking about the hunt, and yet, at the same time, he has a stunningly gorgeous baby-face and eats at Olive Garden.)

The Kyrylo Fesenko Cult, henceforth known as KFC, was created less as a means of adoration, and more out of necessity.

It’s only a matter of time before Fesenko is the ultimate ruler of the universe and all that it entails. Fes is a gigantic mammoth of a human being, his 7’1”, 280 pound frame easily dwarfing foolish challengers even in a profession where overgrowth is the norm. You are just as likely to score with Kyrylo Fesenko under the basket as you are likely to live with him chasing you down the street, fully intending and fully capable of eating you whole if he so pleases. Sure, he’s horrible offensively, but he can just declare the entire premise of offense illegal once he rules us all with an iron fit.

Of course, size alone does not an ultimate dictator make. And Kyrylo combines his stature with frightening agility and a sharp wit. Second language English aside, Fesenko is as good an interview as anybody in the entire league, and if you see Kyrylo Fesenko preparing to bust a move, run – it will be the last move-busting you will ever see.

The only way we can avoid Ukranian breakdancing doom is by joining the winning side ahead of time. Willingly bow down to Fes, master of everything, and you will be rewarded for your efforts. In fact, The KFC can even help Kyrylo with his conquering of the universe. We’ll get Fes his buckets – the only weakness in his well-rounded arsenal (assuming, of course, you willingly ignore the other ones, which we are) – and he will fill these buckets with the fried remains of his opponents. Win, win, win.

Popular Theories In Emerging Basketball-Cultural Cross-References

by Matt Moore

Does this Jazz season feel like fanfiction to anyone else? Usually fan fiction is written for a time period following the original story arc, in this instance, the Jerry Sloan era. And it usually explores themes which fans wish were more fully fleshed out in the original work, in this instance “What if the Jazz weren’t so concretely married to all of Sloan’s principles?”

And of course, fanfiction’s usually pretty bad. Which the Jazz are going to be.

Additionally, fanfiction will often take to ridiculous characters and concepts. “We have a tall Turkish man who hasn’t played basketball in two years and is supposed to be an impact player!” “Let’s have an army of bigs without one being anything close to a franchise player.” “Let’s sign Josh Howard to a rebuilding team!”

And the Jazz fans are perfect to create fanfiction. At once hyper-intense and hyper-scrutinizing, hopeful while discerning, and a little bit totally insane. Here they can explore the planet “Derrick Favors is a three!” and face down the monster of “Raja Bell and Josh Howard are both on this team for no particular reason.”

It’s a perfectly absurd situation following three decades of totally explainable team constructs. Who’s going to score for this team? Who’s going to defend? Will there be rebounds?
Only hardcore fans will enjoy it, it will not be part of canon, and it will get ugly sometimes.

A Brief Video Interlude

by Amin Vafa

THE PASS

Photo via asia1 on Flickr

Quo Vadimus (Where Are We Going?)

by Andrew Lynch

Who Wants to Start a Cult About…DeJuan Blair

by Sean Highkin

On a roster primarily known at this point for its advanced age, DeJuan Blair is one of the few proven youngsters, and he’s one of the least conventional players in the NBA. Blair is an undersized rebounding machine who fell all the way down to #38 in the 2009 draft because he has no ACLs in either of his knees. Again, a starter on a semi-contender has no ACLs. Stuff like this drives home the fact that professional athletes aren’t of the same species as the rest of us. I tweak my knee and it hurts to walk for three hours. And this dude just has no ACLs and plays pro basketball. And plays it well. That will never not be awesome to me.

A Brief Video Interlude

by Matt Moore

This is pretty much the Spurs, except if at the end Jet Li kicked Murtaugh’s head clean off. The weird part is that there’s a genuine sense of resignation hanging around the Spurs. They keep following it up with public statements about how they’re still competing and can still win. But this has always been a team that deals with reality, versus Boston’s penchant for denial through braggadocio. The Spurs know where they’re at, and are just hoping to get off the toilet before it explodes.

Photo via FashionedbyMeg on flickr.

Quo Vadimus (Where Are We Going?)

by Sean Highkin

It’s hard to come up with new thoughts on the immediate future of the Oklahoma City Thunder. On paper, with the Lakers in flux and Mavericks adjusting to the loss of Tyson Chandler, it’s hard to argue that they aren’t the best team in the Western Conference. The supposed conflict between Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook is probably overblown, as these things tend to be. The supporting cast Sam Presti has placed around his stars is as well-built as any out there. James Harden is poised for a breakout year, Serge Ibaka should continue to improve, and Kendrick Perkins will enter his first full year with the Thunder.

But the reason Presti has been so successful at building the Thunder into a powerhouse is that he’s combined his staff’s eye for talent and value, creativity in trades, and the luxury of having two stars on their rookie deals. That last part isn’t sustainable. Durant is entering the first year of his max extension this season. They have to pay Westbrook next summer, and Harden the next. Ibaka should be in line for a raise as well. All these pay raises are going to start adding up in a couple of years, and then Presti will have a much smaller margin inside which to work to keep them competitive. For now, though, these guys have to be entering the season as the favorite to win the west.

Who Wants to Start a Cult About…Eric Maynor

by Andrew Lynch

How divine is Eric Maynor? He can make me forget about Steve Nash.

I understand the rational arguments for a team tanking and trying to rebuild as quickly as possible, but Nash overrides any functional logic centers in my brain. I don’t want the Suns to trade him; there’s no one they could get in return that would make losing Nash worth it to me, as a fan – other than Eric Maynor.

Like every cult ever, it doesn’t make any sense. Nothing about Maynor’s statistical profile indicates that he’s even a good player; his cumulative stats are appalling, his assist rate is low and he’s an adequate defender at best. But there’s something about EMGB (Eric Maynor Gets Busy, for the uninitiated) that goes beyond all of that. Maybe it’s the change of pace from Russell Westbrook that he represents – Maynor’s USG% last year was almost half of Westbrook’s. Maybe it’s the way in which he fits so well with his teammates when he’s on the floor. I mean, look at these unit +/- numbers! Only one of those units that played more than 25 minutes together got outscored by its opponents.

Or maybe it’s the way Maynor embodies the Thunder as a whole: Fun, relentless, and young. He’s the kind of player that no team wants to depend on, but that every fan can’t help but love. Those who have seen EMGB in action know how awesome he is and worship at this temple. James Harden is our Pope, and the only dress code for worship is a backpack.

Feel differently? Then we’ll burn you at the stake.

The Disgrace

by Scott Leedy

What is there to dislike about the Oklahoma City Thunder? Their star is a quiet, humble, basketball junkie, who literally everyone loves. James Harden has captured the basketball world’s adoration with his ability to grow awe inspiring facial hair, and Russell Westbrook is one of the most powerful and exciting players in the league. They were able to take themselves all the way to the Western Conference Finals last year and are on the short list of legit title contenders for the upcoming season. Coincidentally, the one thing that may keep them from obtaining that coveted O’Brien trophy is also the one thing to hate about this team: their late game execution.

For all of his scoring brilliance Kevin Durant still retains one major weakness. Durant lacks the requisite strength to get himself in an advantageous position late in games. Time and time again we have seen stronger defenders push Durant far away from the basket, out of his comfort zone. This leads Durant to either take a tough, long, contested jumper, or jab stap a few times only to give the ball up to a teammate. Often this teammate is Russell Westbrook, the source of much criticism throughout the 2011 playoffs. Westbrook was admonished for his poor decision making and shot selection late in games, that many believed cost The Thunder wins. However, while Westbrook himself deserves a healthy share of blame, his poor shot selection was often a by product of Durant’s short comings. On top of all this Scott Brooks seems incapable of designing any thing resembling a useful crunch time set. Maybe the answer to all this is more James Harden, or maybe everyone just needs a little more experience. Whatever the solution they need to find it soon, or invest in a wall to bang their heads against. Either will work.

Will You Remember Me? I Will Remember You

by Danny Chau

I don’t remember too much from my eight grade promotion mainly because I didn’t deem it very important. I don’t remember who I sat next to, or what my principal said. I wasn’t graduating. I still had another four years of high school to deal with. But it was a big celebration full of balloons and flowers and parents armed with camcorders and cameras. I didn’t really understand it. My parents weren’t there, and I didn’t expect them to be. They had jobs to do, and again, it just wasn’t a very special occasion to me. My brother graduating high school? Now that was special. That was an event worthy of ditching work and rearranging schedules. This wasn’t. So after it was all over, I weaved around the tripods and families and walked home.

My dad asks me how it all went. I tell him it was a long, drawn out process that could’ve been summed up in a sentence: “You’re going to high school!” But I see my dad’s eyes droop. I sense his sadness.

“I really wish I could’ve been there, son.”

I explain to him that it wasn’t a big deal, that it wasn’t important. He shrugs and says, “Yes, but you are young. Nothing is a ‘big deal’ to you. It is important to me because you are my son. These moments don’t happen more than once. They don’t come back.”

I’m sure Sam Presti has Kevin Durant’s draft night photo somewhere in his office, same with Russell, James, and Serge. It’s important to know where the seeds were planted. And it’s  important to see the progress firsthand, to know what went into the development. Because it makes the present that much sweeter.

This will be Durant’s fifth season, and already, the Oklahoma City Thunder are title contenders, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future. How scary is that sentence? How scary is it to

know that the lurching sense of inevitability to this team is of impending dominance, not impending collapse?

We will remember this year as the year the Thunder get certified, denoting their status as a superpower. It’ll be authenticated, notarized, official. The Western Conference dispersed in ways that haven’t been seen in years. The Lakers, for the first time since the Pau Gasol trade, look vulnerable. The Clippers reached for the stars and landed on them, but will take at least a year to achieve team-wide telepathy. Dallas loaded its roster with intrigue, but lost its stabilizing defensive anchor; the impact of which remains to be seen. The Grizzlies come as they were, with the notable inclusion of their most potent perimeter weapon – but large blows to their reserves could mean the difference if something goes awry. With the West in frenzy, the Thunder stand atop of the conference, already better than their counterparts, yet nowhere near their apex.

In six months, we’ll know how the West was won. We will remember this particular season as yet another stepping stone to what could be a dynastic rule over the Western Conference. This will be the first small market victory in the age of the new CBA, and it’ll have absolutely nothing to do with the systemic changes for “competitive balance.” It was just a man with a plan, a lot of luck, a lot of cunning, and a lot of patience. We’ve all watched this team go from one of the dregs of the league to heirs of the throne. This year – their year – will be one worth preserving.