Photo from Ben Heine via Flickr
All-Star weekend should be a celebration of everything we love about basketball. Instead, it has become a tiring affair of boring events, glorified pick-up games, and Joe Johnson. AGAIN.
Well, no more!
We at HP decided to break the obsolete mold by creating our very own all-star game, with the players we want to watch during our special weekend. Because if we let unprofessional, biased buffoons vote people in, they might as well be us.
Our Western roster has already been revealed. These are our East picks, where we Linsanity-ed with the rest of them and picked a player so special that he needed not one, but two different videos.
Point Guards
Jeremy Lin (Danny Chau): There isn’t much left to be said about his qualifications. But since this makeshift competition is already so bizarre, why not make it hilarious? Here’s the stipulation I propose: withhold Lin until the last minutes of the fourth quarter. The crowd will be so restless and angry for 44 minutes. It’d be an incredible sight. When he finally makes an appearance, the crowd will be audible from space. That, or they’ll riot.
[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR3NhE8fBs8]
Lou Williams (Sean Highkin): It’s great that Andre Igoudala made the cut this year, and he was totally deserving as the defensive heart of the Sixers, who have emerged as a legit contender in the East. But Lou is nearly as important, and his contributions have been somewhat overlooked. James Harden will probably win it, but Williams is having a legit Sixth Man of the Year-caliber season, is Philly’s leading scorer, and has made improvements in nearly every facet of his game.
Kyrie Irving (Conrad Kaczmarek): Why do I think Kyrie Irving should be an all-star? You mean, other than the fact that I’m admittedly biased and wearing an Irving t-shirt as I write this? Oh, alright. Well, he’s truly having an incredible season. He’s got an outrageous PER for a rookie, at 21.5 (higher than LeBron’s rookie year). He’s pretty much indisputably the best player on the Cavaliers and he’s only 19 years old. He’s had some big time clutch performances and seems pretty much fearless on the court. All of that aside, the biggest reason that he should be an all-star is that NO ONE EVER GETS TO SEE HIM PLAY. The Cavs have a whopping zero nationally televised games and I doubt many people are tuning in to League Pass to watch Cavs-Pistons. The kid is having a historic rookie season and practically nobody has noticed. The world deserves to see how good Kyrie Irving is.
[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHRPDe5lMxs]
Shooting Guards
Paul George (Noam Schiller): Paul George is the epitome of the 2012 basketball player. An athletic freak with a body that is not only sculpted by angels but can actually evolve over time, the de facto Messiah can do everything and anything on a basketball court, as evidenced by his unprecedented 30-9-5-5 night against Dallas. Somehow, though, he only chooses to do that which is most cost effective: make threes, drive and dunk, play defense, be our savior. In an all-star setting, without the pressure of results, all super-freaky gifts can be unleashed.
[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87GQtZ2_xg0]
J.R. Smith (Scott Leedy): All star games aren’t about fundamentals or execution; they are a release of inhibition, a mix of talent and absurdity that finds a way to entertain and aggravate simultaneously. No one player embodies the essence of an all star game more than JR Smith. There’s no pause or second thought with JR, it’s stream of consciousness basketball, every crazy idea being immediately expressed in basketball form He fits perfectly. He’ll take crazy shots, make tons of threes, go for absurd alley oops, perform unnecessary 360 lay ups, and probably even do a dance or two. It’s entirely unpredictable and completely mesmerizing. JR is a spectacle all to himself, and that’s why he belongs.
Small Forwards
Tobias Harris (Noam Schiller):Â Is Tobias Harris even good? I honestly don’t know. He’s played just 213 minutes in his NBA career so far, in which he’s mostly alternated between getting to the free throw line at a really good rate, and turning the ball over. But I do know that I want to find out if Tobias Harris is good. The NBA has NEVER had a guy named Tobias. Never. If the first one is a bad one, that’s fairly unfortunate. And since his actual team is unlikely to let him play, the HP Alternative All-Star Game is probably our only chance to find out what this kid can do.
Rasual Butler (James Herbert): I don’t want Rasual Butler to play in this hypothetical game, I just want him on the roster. All-Star games inevitably end up with one or two guys getting screwed out of significant playing time. Having him be a veteran Laettner will allow for more Paul George dunks, more J.R. Smith 40-footers, and potentially a few minutes of Lin, Williams and Irving playing together. Plus, I’d like to reward Butler for so graciously playing the role of Raptor Fan Punching Bag for 33 games. HEY TORONTO, dude was never supposed to actually produce anything. He was only signed to be a good locker room guy.
Power Forwards
Ryan Anderson (Andrew Lynch): We know Anderson can shoot the deep ball and crash the offensive glass on an elite level. Hell, he’s so good at both of those things that one could make the argument that he deserved to be in the actual All-Star Game.
Now it’s time to see what other skills Anderson has. Can he run the point? There’s only one way to find out! And just how deep is his range? I want Anderson to be JR Smith-ing it up all over the place, jacking shots from 42 feet out simply because he can.
Anderson Varejao (Amin Vafa): Why is Andy an All-Star? Well, did you see the Cavs play last year? I mean, I’m not knocking Kyrie Irving’s game by any stretch, but Andy was injured pretty much all last season, and the Cavs were ABYSMAL. Like 26 losses in a row and getting beat by the Lakers by 55 points ABYSMAL. Getting Kyrie and Andy this season was basically like adding two 1st picks. The Cavs should be much worse than they are, and yet Andy’s contagious hustle attitude is making them pull wins out of losses. Andy is so good, that every team should want him. Andy is so good, that the Cavs, who need to trade him to get draft picks and flexibility for the future, won’t trade him because they will never get anything of equivalent value back. Andy’s so good, he’s getting compliments from former coaches of the Eastern Conference All-Star players. I love Andy, and you should, too.
Ivan Johnson (Steve McPherson): Atlanta Hawks forward Ivan Johnson might not have the stats (5 ppg, 4.3 rpg off the bench) but here’s all you really need to know about him: 1. He is banned for life from the Korean Basketball League for making an obscene gesture at an official.  2. He looks like the offspring of Freeway and Slim Charles 3. He doesn’t watch basketball. The man deserves a spot in the All-Star Game. Q.E.D.
[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrjjjT5p27o]
Centers
JaVale McGee (Eric Maroun): Wait, I seriously need a reason other than this?
*Hubie Brown voice* You’ve got one spot remaining on the East roster. You have the choice of centers that are having good, underrated seasons such as Greg Monroe or Anderson Varejao (when he is healthy) or someone like JaVale McGee who is capable of ANYTHING. In fact, I want this to be a 25 point blowout, have them roll out a second hoop in a 2012 tribute to Rock N Jock, and see McGee do this in an actual game:
[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNJ0K8qdq00]
Tyson Chandler (Jared Dubin): Â Chandler is third among centers in Win Shares behind Dwight Howard and Andrew Bynum, and fifth overall also behind LeBron James and Kevin Love. He leads the world in TS% by a healthy margin with his ridiculous 74.3%. If it weren’t for Ronny Turiaf not missing a shot in his four games played, Chandler would lead the league in FG% too (as it is he leads all qualified players). He was brought to New York from Dallas to make the Knicks’ defense respectable, and he’s more than done his job. Despite playing next to defensive sieves in the front court in Amar’e Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony, Chandler is leading the charge that has New York sitting at 9th in the league in defensive efficiency after being 22nd last season. He’s an absolute monster on the glass on both ends of the court, has been one of the best pick-and-roll big men in the league and has been the best player on the franchise in the league’s marquee market. All the effusive praise in the world couldn’t capture just how important he’s been to the Knicks; they’d be lost without him.
