Injuries are bad.

Your opening preview is from Graydon Gordian.

No team in the NBA provides greater evidence that God has a somewhat twisted sense of humor than the Washington Wizards. All my little hoops loving heart desires is 82 games in which Antawn Jamison, Caron Butler, and Gilbert Arenas suit up together. But alas, the pride and joy of our nation’s capitol appears to be inescapably star-crossed. Injury trails this merry band of mid-Atlantic goof offs closer than their own shadows. The only thing more inevitable than an injured superstar is a first-round playoff exit at the hands of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Despite being a perennial tease, this unit remains a joy to follow throughout the season because they have a fully-developed sense that basketball, at the end of the day, is just a game. Don’t get me wrong: The Wizards are a collection of fierce competitors. But what makes this team so likable is not only the dynamism of their on-court style but the charm of their off-court antics. Beard growing contests, 80′s themed birthday parties and unashamedly opinionated blogging consistently remind me that professional sports, at the end of the day, should be about having fun. Winning is fun, but so is doing impersonations of players from around the league or developing a rating system for an opponent’s swagger.

Coupled alongside the team’s flair for funny business is a hard-nosed commitment to getting down to business (any team with a guy whose nickname is “tough juice” can’t be all fun and games). Although Arenas may be the most talented player in Washington, Butler is the workhorse. If the ball leaves Arenas’ hands (which isn’t really a sure thing given Agent Zero’s tendency to slip into chucker mode), it most likely passes through Butler’s. And if Arenas never gets his hands on the ball because he’s sitting in a suit on the sidelines, which is how he spends most of his time, than the offense assuredly runs through Butler (unless Caron is seated next to Gil looking equally as spiffy).


To make a long story short, there are two prevailing theories about the Wizards this year: Same team, same result vs. same team, more competitive conference, worse result. I wish I could say otherwise, but I am firmly in the latter camp. This team is getting older, their bench is shallower and they are experiencing not only the annual injuries (Arenas) but new ones as well (Brendan Haywood). I still envision them making it to the playoffs, but could they beat the Celtics, Pistons, Magic, Cavaliers, Raptors, or 76ers in a first round matchup, even if completely healthy? No.

I want to take this opportunity to harp on one particular point. There is one phenomenon I’ve witnessed that isn’t in any way unique to the Wizards except for the fact that it occurs uniquely often. This team is always in close games. Maybe they don’t know how to put a team away; maybe they know how to climb out of a hole; maybe I have just caught a disproportionate amount of nail-biters. But either way, I swear this team is constantly faced with single possession deficits late in the fourth. I’m bringing this up for a reason: I always find myself disagreeing with the play they run when the game is on the line.

In late game scenarios, the ball is always inbounded to Arenas and stays there until he is ready to take the final shot. There is no movement on the part of the ball, and often little movement on the part of Arenas, who often unconvincingly bluffs like he will drive, only to pull back and take a decently contested jumper. As I said before, Arenas is the most talented guy on this team. Even when he takes a contested jumper, it’s got a reasonable chance of going in. But given the fact that so many guys on this team can score from so many places on the floor (a lot of these guys can drain a 3-pointer), I just wonder why Eddie Jordan does not throw something a little more unexpected at opposing defenses during crunch time.

VISIONS By Rob Mahoney:

***************************************

Let’s take some of the top teams in the East. The Celtics are unfathomably loaded with superstars, so while that’s great for them, not a fair comparison. What happens if Sheed misses 80% of the season for the Pistons? They’d probably do well, but it would be pretty rough. But what if the Cavs lost LeBron? How many games do they win? 15? 20? maybe? How about the Raptors if they lost Bosh? They almost fell apart last season when he was out. The Wizards repeatedly lose players to injury, often more than one key player at a time, and yet, there they are, every year. I’ve been big on Caron Butler since his days in Miami in the fabled Wade-Odom-Butler combo that could have been a miniature dynasty with cap flexibility for longterm success if Riley hadn’t spazmed all over to get Shaq. He’s been a leader, a paragon, and a warrior on that Wizards team, and every night his play is inspired. Antawn Jamison is the David West of the East Before David West Was David West. DeShawn is clownin’, but when he actually just goes out and balls against anyone but LeBron? The man’s a beast. Haywood was my favorite from last year. I always sided with Etan Thomas in the Thomas v. Haywood debate. But Haywood so raised his play last year… sigh. Such is life. But you should root for this team because they have more against them year after year, and they don’t get down and they don’t give in. They just go back to work. Love them if you love professionals with heart.

Oh, I am so freaking sorry. Maybe next time you won’t spend eleventy billion dollars on a guy who spends less time in his work clothes than the chick in the Sarah Paylin mock-porn. What exactly are you guys using for doctors? Did you get Doctor Nick? Is it the Medicine Man? Or did you just find some hobo outside of Navy Medical, gave him a couple of syringes and a forty and let him go to work? Look, it’s a hard knock life, you deal with what you’re given. But the only reason you dropped that series to the Cavs was because you lost your head like you’re looking for a shave at Sweeny’s. If DeShawn hadn’t been running smack at the best player in the league, maybe things would have worked out a little bit better for you. You want to know why to hate the Wizards? Because no matter how much they seem to have turned the tables on all the bad luck and expectations, they still somehow manage to completely fall apart. Then they get your hopes up with all that cute little heart they have before eventually failing because they don’t have the thing that matters more than heart. Talent.

A MUSICAL INTERLUDE:

Look, I’d rather not talk about the injuries. It’s boring! It’s overdone! Yet this entire preview essentially rolls around the fact that this team can’t get over them, because there are so many. The problem is that when it rains in DC, it doesn’t pour. It tsunamis, floods, wipes away your home and all of your pets and leaves you with nothing but your blog posts. I keep trying to figure out something to focus on besides the injuries. “Well, you know, even without Haywood that backcourt can score enough points… gah.” Or “Well, hey, Caron can produce enough as long as they have the guns down low… frick.” The Haywood one was just cruel. It’s hard enough to survive without Arenas. The team can rally, like it did last year. But one of the primary reasons it did survive was because players took big steps. Haywood in particular. Oops.

I just can’t figure out who’s going to step up. Is DeShawn ready to go even higher than before? Is Andray Blatche going to work over centers in the East like he does groupies? I’m just out of answers for this team. But then, I was last year. And they surprised.

You know what I’m going to do? I’m not going to write about the injuries. That’s my resolution. In an effort to provide the Wizards a non-Wizards outlet that doesn’t talk about the injuries, from here on out, I will not write about their maladies anymore. Done.

Oh, and I like Nick Young.

Your opening preview is by Rob Mahoney, dontchaknow.

Projected Record: 50-32 (6th in the West, 4th in the Southwest Division)

Mavericks, Mavericks, Mavericks. I’m going to tell you guys up front that I’ll spare you from John McCain related-jokes. I know, pretty nice of me. But I only do so because I’ll have plenty to say about this team from top to bottom.

The Kidd-Harris trade is a thing of the past. I like Devin Harris a lot as a player, and I’m sure that a lot of people within the Mavericks organization did/do too. But until the NBA implements a “mulligan” policy, the trade is not going to be undone. Jason Kidd is the point guard of the Dallas Mavericks (for the time being, at least), so we’re not going to talk about that trade anymore. Not that I’m, y’know, bitter about it or anything.

Also, I’m going to put this out there: this Mavericks team is better than you think. Yeah, I’m talking to you, buddy. This isn’t a team on the brink of implosion, this isn’t a team that falls apart on defense, and this isn’t a team “in search of its soul” as oh so many voices might whisper in your ear. This team has a soul, and his name is Dirk M.F. Nowitzki. To everyone who thinks that Dirk “can’t be a franchise player”: leave. Move along, sir, move along. Scroll down to the pretty pictures and further commentary. Dirk is one of the game’s elite players, and I’ve witnessed him carry this team more times than I’d care to. The Mavs have gotten worlds better since those days, but Dirk is still the workhorse he’s always been. He’s a selfless franchise player, a tireless worker, and among the best at his position. He is clutch, he does have heart, he can play defense, and he is a leader. Teams lose sometimes. It happens. The Mavericks have taken some pretty hefty hits over the last few years, and to say that Dirk and co. are demoralized probably isn’t the half of it. But those criticisms of his game are forum-esque and lazy. They belong sandwiched between an insult about him being “a soft euro” and a comment about David Hasselhoff, followed by “lolz :P”. The Mavs lost to the Hornets in the first round last year, so it was easy to overlook just how good Dirk was in that series (26.8 PPG, 12 RPG, 4 APG, and a PER of 26.3). He went to New Orleans ready to win; some of the other Mavericks just didn’t get the memo. But Dirk will come in this season and do his thing, just like he always does. On top of that, he’ll add something to his game, in traditional Dirk fashion.

Jason Kidd was the target of a lot of post-season criticism, and rightfully so. When the Mavs were playing well, it wasn’t because of Kidd; I wouldn’t say it was necessarily in spite of him, either. But it was extremely apparent that this team needed a training camp together. They’ve gotten their camp, and we’ll see if they storm out of the gates or falter. Regardless, the Mavericks should be in pretty good form come mid-season; the question is whether that form can be sustained until it really matters. Also, it will be important to see if Carlisle’s defensive strategy will be able to account for Kidd’s inability to keep up with the faster guards. The fact that Kidd is slowing down is largely overplayed, but it’s still visible. That’s fine, as long as the team defense can rally together to slow down the types of guards that will really burn them (Chris Paul, Tony Parker, etc.).

Carlisle’s a smart guy and most of the Mavericks roster has really taken to him. To me, that speaks volumes about what the man has learned through his coaching career thus far. He’s changing his coaching style to fit the personnel, to fit the team, and to better himself in such a position. It’s a really tough thing to do, and I commend him for it.

The shooting guard position remains a wee bit of a problem for Dallas, though. I mean, this is a team that brought in Greg Buckner because they thought he could help. GREG BUCKNER. Let that sink in for a minute. Jason Terry is incredible offensively and better than you’d expect defensively, but he’s much better at guarding opposing point guards than he is shooting guards. It’s not that he doesn’t display the effort or doesn’t close out; he just can’t always contest the shot of someone who can see right over him. Jerry Stackhouse is probably the most infuriating player on the roster, capable of scoring 20 one night and seemingly nears 20 turnovers the next. He has tunnel vision, which makes him a decent scorer and one of the dumbest players on the roster in terms of his court savvy. But hey, at least he has that whole size thing going for him. Antoine Wright is pretty much Stack’s polar opposite: a low turnover defensively focused swingman who is still trying to find a consistent shot. A lot of sources around the team have him penciled in as the starter, which should make for an interesting mix. If Wright can provide the defense at the 2 that the Mavs have been so desperately craving (if I hear “career high” or “season high” in reference to a Mav-opponent’s shooting guard one more time, I’m going to start bleeding from the ears), this could be a startling team. If not, then…sigh. Gerald Green is kind of an X-factor in the mix, but if I’m criticizing Stack for not playing D, I shouldn’t even be mentioning Green. I love the athleticism and boy, do I love cupcakes, but a swingman that doesn’t play D and can’t create his own shot is of no use to me.

Josh Howard isn’t the smartest dude on the planet, but he’s a baller. He’ll be motivated to prove his critics wrong this season (especially the boo-birds in Dallas), and to prove that he has a place among the best in the league. What I want to see personally is a recommitment to defense and to getting to the basket. Josh used to throw down dunks and slash with the best of them. He used to guard the opponent’s best wing player every night, do a great job, and never run out of energy. But as his game expanded offensively, he settled for more and more jumpers, and his defensive game became bigger in name than in quality. We all knew that he should be a good defender, but he didn’t always produce. This team needs Josh to return to form if they want a chance at making some noise, and I think he understands that.

The remaining bigs in the rotation will have an important role to play as well. Erick Dampier certainly isn’t worth what he’s getting paid these days, but he is a serviceable center. Pair him up with Diop and you’ve got a pretty solid tandem for the Mavs that helps them try to relive their ’06 glory days. Two fairly productive centers, both grossly overpaid. Welcome to the Dallas Mavericks. But Brandon Bass provides a splash of youth at the 4 or the 5, and he’s just about the only good young player this team has in the oven. He’s producing consistently on offense with his low post game, his explosive dunks, and his nice turnaround jumper, and on top of that I’m pretty sure he’s being paid in Gatorade, IOUs for a foot massage, and NBA logo socks. His growth will need to come at the defensive end, where he’s still lacking in fundamentals and footwork.

Last year’s team seemed shaky going into the playoffs, even in a decisive win over the Hornets in game 82. But with a new coach, a new focus, and some time to actually learn how to play with one another, they’ll surprise a lot of people with what they can accomplish. …but yeah, they’ll still get 6th in the West. What did you think I’d say? This conference is insane, man!

A person I went to college with was at a game one time, turned to some friends of mine and asked, “Why does their sign say ‘D-Gate?’”.

And that’s a lot like the Denver Nuggets.

End of story. Your opening preview is by Graydon Gordian.

****************************************************
I have never been a statistically oriented sportswriter. Nor have I ever hunkered down in the trenches of the statistics debate as advanced metrics and more literary forms of sportswriting both have a lot of merit in my opinion. But sometimes there is a disjunct between what the numbers tell me and what I see with my own two eyes. Enter the Denver Nuggets.

So in the world of stats there is the highly (and appropriately) lauded figure of John Hollinger. According to some Hollingerian metric (the defensive anti-offensive quotient or some sort of mathematical rating I don’t really understand), Denver was supposedly a good defensive team last season. Take this stat, that stat, slice ‘em, dice ‘em, and suddenly this merry band of underachieving early first round picks knows how to lock it down.

And then there’s me, sitting on my couch, drinking a beer, actually watching them play basketball. And in this scenario, this team is a defensive train wreck. The funny thing is they need not be.

Even though they traded away the former Defensive Player of the Year for some spare car parts and a roll of scotch tape, I believe these guys actually have the potential be a quality defensive team. Anybody who watched the Olympics knows Carmelo Anthony can actually play defense. He has lateral quickness. He has length. He can make the appropriate rotations. He just only seems to do that when he has “U.S.A.” sown across his chest.

The key to unlocking this defensive potential is pace. Denver likes to push the ball, but just as often as they take advantage of unprepared defenses they open themselves up to easy buckets. Obviously a slower pace wouldn’t put up such gaudy offensive numbers but Anthony, A.I. and J.R. Smith don’t need a wide open court to score: They are all dynamic half-court players.

The problem with my analysis so far is I’ve made an assumption that is not necessarily true: I’m talking about the Nuggets as if Allen Iverson will still be a member of this squad at the end of the regular season. I just don’t believe that to be true. This team isn’t going to win a championship, much less a playoff series, with this core unit. In fact they will be lucky if they can sneak into the postseason this year. And if you are going to break a team down so you can build it back up, you start with the veteran superstar who didn’t push you over the hump the way you had hoped. By the end of this year Iverson will be playing for a contender and the 8th seed in the West will be significantly beyond the Nugs reach.

But fear not Denver faithful: By allowing A.I. to pursue his dreams of a ring and dealing away Camby in a deceptively savvy manner, this team will be in a position to rebuild itself into a championship contender. Anthony is a champion. He proved it at Syracuse. He has proved it in the international arena. If given the opening, he will seize the opportunity. At that point there will only be one step left: Fire George Karl.

VISION By Trey Kerby

**************************************

This is tough. I hate this team. So I will give you the only reason to love them. Linas Kleiza. This is the Linas Kleiza story I always tell to explain why I want him out of Denver. Linas was having a good game late in the season last year. The Nuggets were up 2, Kleiza had 17, 6, and 2, shooting 7 of 10 from the floor. He comes out and traps with Iverson. The ball springs loose. Kleiza bounds out to spread the floor as Iverson snatches up the loose ball and shakes his man. As he approaches the paint, Iverson sees Kleiza, head of steam, waving, calling for the ball. Iverson could lob it to him. He could just pass it. He could throw it and then ask for it back. What does Iverson do? He waits for Melo, who’s trailing and has a man on him, to get down to the paint. He completely ignores Kleiza who jumps like an idiot and then runs to the corner to wait for what will surely be the corner three after Melo passes to him once he realizes he’s covered. Upon receiving the pass, Melo instead decides just to challenge his man. He badly misses the layup, and the other team gets the rebound, pushes it down the floor, and scores to tie the game. So really, this is less about why you should love Linas Kleiza, and just more reasons to hate the Nuggets and everything they stand for. It’s not personal, I’m not a Jazz or Rockets fan. But this wretched mutation of a team must be stopped.

Defense. If you like defense, if you believe in winning, fundamental basketball, you will hate the Nuggets. Who cares about the fact that the team, as a whole will have dropped nearly 100 lbs. by opening day tip off. Who cares that Nene is finally (probably) healthy or that K-Mart (yeah, the original one) is also finally (doubtfully) healthy. Disregard the defensive allergies that permeate the games of AI and Melo. Forget J.R. Smith… No, seriously, forget him. He can’t spell D, much less play it. But what about Linas Kleiza? He should be good at defense, right? Big, strong guy who is unafraid to get in anyone’s face and bang down low. Good footwork. Hard nose? Eh, not so much. He just wants the ball too!

Oh, but at least at the end of the day and (lane), they have multiple DPOY winner Marcus Camby. Whew, thank God. Oh, hey, brb – gotta phone call……………………..

Regarding the 2008 Clippers, Nuggets, Mavericks, Wizards, and Suns:

We are the hollow menWe are the stuffed menLeaning togetherHeadpiece filled with straw. Alas!Our dried voices, whenWe whisper togetherAre quiet and meaninglessAs wind in dry grassOr rats' feet over broken glassIn our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossedWith direct eyes, to death's other KingdomRemember us -- if at all -- not as lostViolent souls, but onlyAs the hollow menThe stuffed men.

             II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreamsIn death's dream kingdomThese do not appear:There, the eyes areSunlight on a broken columnThere, is a tree swingingAnd voices areIn the wind's singingMore distant and more solemnThan a fading star.

Let me be no nearerIn death's dream kingdomLet me also wearSuch deliberate disguisesRat's coat, crowskin, crossed stavesIn a fieldBehaving as the wind behavesNo nearer --

Not that final meetingIn the twilight kingdom

             III

This is the dead landThis is cactus landHere the stone imagesAre raised, here they receiveThe supplication of a dead man's handUnder the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like thisIn death's other kingdomWaking aloneAt the hour when we areTrembling with tendernessLips that would kissForm prayers to broken stone.

             IV

The eyes are not hereThere are no eyes hereIn this valley of dying starsIn this hollow valleyThis broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting placesWe grope togetherAnd avoid speechGathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unlessThe eyes reappearAs the perpetual starMultifoliate roseOf death's twilight kingdomThe hope onlyOf empty men.

             V

Here we go round the prickly pearPrickly pear prickly pearHere we go round the prickly pearAt five o'clock in the morning.

Between the ideaAnd the realityBetween the motionAnd the actFalls the Shadow

                 For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conceptionAnd the creationBetween the emotionAnd the responseFalls the Shadow

                 Life is very long

Between the desireAnd the spasmBetween the potencyAnd the existenceBetween the essenceAnd the descentFalls the Shadow

                 For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine isLife isFor Thine is the

This is the way the world endsThis is the way the world endsThis is the way the world endsNot with a bang but a whimper.

-T.S. Eliot "The Hollow Men"

“No, really, we’re going to be better this year! This is the year! Things are coming up Clip, baby! O9 is Just Fine For the Clip Show!” Oh, Clippers fans. You poor, poor bastards.

Your opening preview is by Matt Moore.

Would you be as down on the Clippers if Brand had just said “I’m out of here this season”? If Davis had been brought in as a replacement? If you looked at a team moving past their inability to put together a winner with Brand and trying to build something new?

Probably not.

But then, they wouldn’t be the Clippers.

I’m not going to beat the “It’s the Clippers” horse to death. It’s old, it’s tiresome, and they used to say the same thing about every team in this league. It’s just lasted a lot longer for the Clippers. And this team isn’t as good as it would have been if Brand hadn’t gotten into a fracas with management. But to a certain degree, people are probably hammering them a bit more than they deserve. The big problem with predicting the Clip is that they have two huge factors that people are very opinionated about, but there’s not a clear answer for. Unfortunately, they’re at the two most important positions in basketball right now. Point guard and center. So we’ll do this in a series of conditionals.

IF BARON DAVIS DOES NOT MISS MORE THAN 15 GAMES WITH INJURY: Some people will tell you that this is physically impossible, given that last year was the first time in seven years that he’s played more than 68 games. But he did play all 82 last year, he has become a smarter player, and he did do the Jenny Craig thing which could help him a lot when the season starts. So for the purposes of this paragraph, we’re going to assume the best in modern medicine and move on. Fact is, having a point guard who can create with the ball in his hands, who can score, who can run the break, who can hit big shots, and make important passes is an invaluable commodity in the NBA. It’s not the end-all, be-all, but when you’ve got guys like Chris Paul, Deron Williams, and Steve Nash, it’s nice to have a top-end guy who you can bring to the gunfight. Davis is a superstar. Sorry, but 22 points, 8 assists, 5 rebounds and 2 steals is a good day’s work where I come from. Everytime I look at his assist numbers, my brain bends a little bit. He’s a great creator. I just never imagine him as the same kind of distributor as other players. But the numbers, as they so often do, prove that I’m not paying enough attention. If Baron takes this team to heart and they get in line behind him as their leader, they’re going to rumble with anyone. That’s the thing with Davis. When everyone expected him to detonate, he crumpled. And once he was written off, he flourished. So now he’s expected to shine on a bad team. Keep a notebook handy.

IF BARON DAVIS CHECKS OUT FOR THE MAJORITY OF THE SEASON TO MAKE MOVIES AND NURSE WOUNDS: It’s not really that they’re detonated at point. I mean, last season they won without a point guard. Mike Taylor (D-League) is showing flashes that maybe he can play at this level. Hart is a capable veteran. The biggest problem in this scenario is just the gap between good players and superstars in the NBA is that chasm in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. You’re only getting across if you really believe (or are smart enough to unravel an optical illusion). I’m not sure if Al Thornton is ready to believe that, yet. So if you take last year’s team, make Thornton a year older, take out Maggette and add Gordon, and then throw in Camby, you’ve got a lottery team, but not the worst team in the league. Suffice to say, this would still be an umitigated disaster.

IF MARCUS CAMBY’S NUMBERS AND AWARDS ARE NOT COMPLETELY FAKE: I was kind of stunned at how people piled on the “Marcus Camby Sucks” wagon when he was traded. I mean, 13 rebounds, 3 blocks are still good numbers. Bad defense? Hilton Armstrong is a bad defender. Sene is a bad defender. I’m not saying his numbers were indicative of his defensive prowess, I’m saying he adds an element of toughness. He shores up what would have been missing defensively with Brand to even a limited degree.

IF MARCUS CAMBY’SN NUMBERS AND AWARDS ARE COMPLETELY FAKE: Then it’s just like last season, but with Baron Davis. Hmm.

THE REST: Gordon’s going to struggle. His game was more apt for the college game, and I don’t know if he’s going to “get” the NBA game in his first season. (Editor’s Note: Immediately after I typed these words, Eric Gordon went out and scored 31 points in a preseason game. This kid and I are NOT going to get along.) I think Al Thornton is going to absolutely detonate this year, but I seem to be the only one. The book on him is that he’s an above average scorer but can’t do anything else. We’ll have to see how the body work he did over the summer pays off. Clippers fans think Kaman can make a difference, everyone else thinks he’s a schlub. His season is a lot like Thornton’s. He has to repeat last year’s “success” to be considered legit.

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED: When I tell people the Clippers are going to surprise them, they think I’m insane. “There’s no WAY this team makes the playoffs!” And they’re absolutely right. I don’t think the Clippers will make the playoffs. But I think they’ll be a lot closer than some people think. They’re too dependent on too many “ifs” is what I was trying to get across here. The perfect storm would necessitate Camby living up to the reputation he had before last season, Davis playing 82 games, Thornton stepping up and adding rebounding, Gordon being able to contribute, Kaman repeating last year’s success, Mobley having a renaissance, and Tim Thomas putting in the second good season of his career. I don’t like all those to work out. But I like some of them. They’re on the edge of the world right now, and they’re either going to steer the ship in the right direction with Baylor gone, or fall of the edge back into Clipperland.

Good luck, ye fearless voyagers of despair.

VISIONS By Trey Kerby

Masochism.

Oh glory, where to start. How about in the middle. No other team in the league boast more one dimensional bigs than the Clips. They mortgaged their future…, well, second round pick to get Camby. Although he is still, after 398 years in the league, still a defensive stalwart, that is about all you are gonna get. Fantasy players live and choke on those 2/22/2 stat lines. After that, we have Paul Davis who is exceptionally good at being white, Brian Skinner who is amazing at dying his goatee, Deandre Jordan who excels at underachieving despite his massive potential, Jelani McCoy who can uncannily die and come back to NBA employment like Lazarus does with life and Tim Thomas who might have the greatest singular talent of them all: not having his bones atrophy despite seemingly decades long periods of inactivity. Sure, the Clips still have “un dergen Fuhrer (the little leader),” Chris Kaman, who you cannot help but love. Well, unless you are American and you don’t like your yettis turning their back on Old Glory. But really, I have very little to say about Kaman, who had a career year last year and, though I think he may regress some this year having to constantly switch and guard 4s, he should still be the second offensive stalwart on this piecemeal, but talented team.

If that wasn’t enough, please let me reiterate that Tim Thomas does less and gets paid more than Rob Schneider. PWN.

And, the cherry on the crap sundae would have to be Ricky Davis. On a team where Baron Davis will have the ball in his hands at least 55% of the time, where Al Thornton needs the ball to take over on the wing, where Kaman can be effective as a patient anchor in the post and where Eric Gordon’s, the #7 pick in the draft this year, best asset is his explosiveness (for a tubby bowling ball of a basketballer) towards the basket, the last thing this team needs is Ricky “Ready to Jack it” Davis constantly playing hot potato with the rock. Ricky treats the ball like it has AIDS on it, getting it out of his grasp and on a high arching trajectory towards to hoop with a quickness and disregard for passing that hasn’t been seen since, well, the last time Ricky Davis was on the court. It is the ultimate irony that on a team where isolation might work most effectively towards its strengths that Ridiculous (and not in a good way) Ricky Davis, will be counted on as a solid offensive option. Even though he normally plays iso between himself and his coach’s intent.

A MUSICAL INTERLUDE: