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Birth Of A Division Part 2: Word Smiths

January 21, 2008 in by with 0 Comments

For Part 1, Click Here.

Int. Casa De Brand. Dusk.
Baron Von Brand and his fellow renegade David “Snake Eyes West” pace within the confines of Casa De Brand’s master study. The old castle is a Spanish fortress that has been transformed into… well, Brand’s fortress. Interestingly, the decor seems to shift randomly from moment to moment, walls slide in and out of position. There appears to be a series of mounted animal heads on the walls, though none of the animals appear to be real. There is an alarming amount of fuschia in the decor as well. Their current mission? To draft the Declaration of Independent Realignment.

Brand paces, stops, begins to speak, paces again.

Brand: I still do not understand why we were chosen to complete this paltry piece of prose. It’s clear that it will take severe action to make the league respect our demands. Don’t you agree, my silent, but deadly companion?

Well, if we must, then we must. Let’s begin this treatise. Can you take this down for me, mi mute amigo?

Brand pours a glass of brandy and sips. He clears his throat.

E. Brand: Very well, let’s begin…

E. Brand: It is done. May God have mercy on our enemies. This was your finest work, my quiet compadre.

E. Brand: It’s not over. Oh, no. It’s only just begun.

MLK Day

January 21, 2008 in by with 0 Comments

Partially because of the matinee heavy schedule, but mostly because of MLK-Day, posting will be light today. We’ll resume tomorrow, where we’re sure the league will reward us with a bevy of games just like today…

*check schedule, sees 2 games*

Oh, hell.

Anyway, we want to take the day to shut up in honor of MLK. In a world where we’re primarily focused on the things that divide us, today provides us a rare opportunity to honor a man that chose to celebrate the possibility of us one day being able to raise ourselves to a level of peace and understanding where everything would be infinitely better.

Plus, the fact that Elisha Manning is in the Super Bowl is making us have an embolism.

Powerless Rankings: Eastern Conference 1.21.08

January 21, 2008 in by with 0 Comments

It’s that time again! Here are this week’s Powerless Rankings. For the West, go check out Basketbawful.

1. Miami- Let’s put it this way. If you held a gun to my head, strapped me to a chair, and said I had two options, to 1. watch every Miami Heat game from this season, or 2. listen to “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor” 2000 times on repeat? Well, just call me a Drowning Pool fan.

Basketbawful says: 1. Miami: This team is so phenomenally bad, Will Smith has been embarrassed into changing the name of his “Miami” song to “Des Moines.”

2. Chicago- They’ve shown signs of life, but still, anytime a team benches its own first round rookie via a players’ meeting led by two lifeless malcontents and then go out and lose by 30? That’s some damn fine sucking.

Basketbawful Says: Chicago: My buddy statbuster recently said, “You know, Kirk Hinrich (when he was actually playing) has transformed into Marco Jaric.” And he wasn’t wrong. I just can’t take this team seriously anymore.

3. New York- A win streak! Look out! Here come the Knicks! Oh wait, they’ve got Boston, Philadelphia, Golden State, Lakers coming up. Why am I not absolutely horrified of a New York resurgence? Go Giants!

Basketbawful: Through some manner of darkest sorcery, the Knicks actually managed to win four of their last five games. But before Isiah smugly announces “I told y’all so,” he should take a close look at the Knicks upcoming schedule, which includes games against the Celtics, Warriors, Lakers, and Jazz.

4. Philadelphia- The Sixers are “optimistic” about the second half of the season. In other news, Sean William Scott is optimistic about his next movie, Hoobastank is optimistic about their next album, and McG is optimistic about his next film.

Basketbawful Says: I recently heard a rumor about the Sixers. They suck. Pass it on.

5. Indiana- O’Neal’s on the shelf. Not that he’s been tremendous this season, or anything, but every little bit hurts. Still, we’re keeping an eye on these guys. A typical Hawks collapse and Charlotte and Milwaukee realizing how bad they are could get these guys into the playoffs and out of our top 5.

Basketbawful Says: Mike Dunleavy Jr. leads the team in scoring, field goal percentage, freethrow percentage, three-point percentage, and steals. And he’s second on the team in assists. You could easily make the argument that he’s the best player on this team. Mike Dunleavy Jr. is the best player on the Pacers!!

6. Charlotte- The Bobcats are starting to put it together. Eli Manning is in a Super Bowl. The Red Sox are perennial champions. What the f*ck is going on?

Basketbawful Says: Charlotte: On the one hand, this team has won three of four and they played the Pistons tough last week. On the other hand, these are the Bobcats, and their next two games are against the Spurs and Maverics. So, you know, go ahead and adjust their record and give them the two losses.

7. Milwaukee- They’ve had a hard schedule of late, but have still stayed at .500 in their last 10. They’re 11-12 in conference, and have a great home record. They just need to somehow figure out a rotation, get a bench, and have Yi not look like he needs naptime. None of these things are happening this season.

Basketbawful Says: The team has been playing .500 ball so far this month! Reality check: The only teams they’ve beaten are Miami (twice), Philadelphi, Charlotte, and Atlanta. Not exactly a murderer’s row.

8. New Jersey- Let me put it this way. Don’t be surprised if you go on Craigslist New Jersey, look at the “For Sale” section, and find “Aging Dynamic Small Guard. Plays like new! Some clutch issues. Slight smell of douchebag.”

Basketbawful Says: I think the Nets’ team doctor needs to take a long, hard look at Vince Carter. Is he breathing? Does he have a pulse? The way he’s sleepwalking through the season, I’m starting to think he died but Jason Kidd and Richard Jefferson keep propping him up and moving him around, ala Weekend at Bernies.”

9. Atlanta- I love how Atlanta keeps reeling off win streaks, and then bottoming out again. It’s comforting. Like your mom’s cooking, or global warming. You know it’s always going to be there.

Basketbawful Says: This team must have been suffering from a case of temporary amnesia, because they were actually a few games over .500 for a while. Then they remembered that they were the Atlanta Hawks and promptly lost seven of their next 10 games.

10. Toronto- At this point, shouldn’t they just change their name to the Toronto fodder and be done with it? Bosh is having a nice season though, and actually earning an All-Star trip.

Basketbawful Says: I read somewhere the Raptors might sign some dude named Roko-Leni Ukic. Wasn’t that the final boss in Ninja Gaiden IV?

11. Orlando- Must…not…collapse…too…much…talent…

Basketbawful Says: Isn’t it weird how the Magic have one of the best records in the league, but as of Saturday they were only 8-8 at home. Is there something about the city of Orlando we don’t know?

12. Cleveland- Sigh. Even we have to admit the Cavs are playing well. That game against the Spurs they actually looked like a cohesive unit. Of course, we’d love to see them do that when the Spurs weren’t down-shifting like a big rig going down a very steep hill, but hey! LeBron’s LeBron.

Basketbawful Says: Lebron James is singlehandedly dragging the Cavs down in our ranking. But here’s the real question: What exactly is he doing with his other hand?

13. Detroit- “What? We’re the best team, according to the rankings? This is unacceptable! We can’t be extremely anything! Quick! Lose to a bunch of teams we could beat with our eyes closed! That a way!”

Basketbawful Says: The Pistons’ starting five work together so well I half expected them to form a Voltron and fight off the Cloverfield monster. Still, losses to the Knicks, Kings, and Bulls have this team rising in our ratings.

14. Washington- We’re not saying they’re going to be contenders in the playoffs. But if, if you said we had to pick a dark horse that wasn’t a division leader? Caron’s got this team primed and ready to friggin’ go. It’s a Tuff Juice world. We’re all just living in it.

Basketbawful Says: I’d been wondering whether Gilbert Arenas was secretly pissed his team was playing so well without him. Well, this week’s “If my team decides that they don’t want me here, then wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!” comments comfirmed it. When did Agent Zero morph into Rod Tidwell?

15. Boston- Oh, yeah. They have KG, Pierce, and Allen. They’e the best team in the league. Ah, I like it when the world rights itself. Except I don’t. Because I’m friggin’ sick of Boston sports.

Basketbawful Says: How did Boston recover from their first two-game losing streak of the season? Word has it that Danny Ainge gave each player on the team a single hair from Larry Bird’s 80s mustache, which was painstakingly preserved in 1987 by Celtics trainer Ray Melchiorre. Ainge declined comment when asked about the fate of the mustache’s remaining three hairs.

Thanks again to Basketbawful.

The Plot Revealed: Joe Smith, Secret Agent

January 20, 2008 in by with 3 Comments

Throughout the course of human history, there have been many conspiracies. The JFK Assassination. Area 51. The Knicks getting the Patrick Ewing lottery pick. But after months weeks days hours minutes of research, we’ve finally uncovered the greatest conspiracy to ever level the NBA.

Joe Smith is a secret agent.

I know. It’s hard to hear. This is a man beloved by millions thousands hundreds dozens of fans. These charges are disastrous for a man that is a legend in American culture. A hero to the people, to the working man. He is truly one of the greatest athletes of our time. And yet, it’s clear, now, after our extensive research, that he is a secret agent.

Our suspicions were raised after this Big Lead article. They quickly raised the issue, and dismissed it as nonsense. And that’s where we come in. Here’s what they had to say.

I’ve spent the last 5 minutes (may be an exaggeration) comparing the Bulls’ rosters from this season and last season and they are eerily similar. The only difference is Joe Smith and the rookies – and I’m not going to be the one to put the blame on a 15-year veteran for such a massive collapse and change in team chemistry.

The Cousins of Ron Mexico goes on to possibly point the blame at Joakim Noah. Unless Noah is the seventh son born under the sixth sign, we knew Noah ain’t it. But what of that quote? What is the only real change between last year’s squad and this year’s? Who’s getting significant minutes, despite the plethora (a la pinatas) of young power forwards? That’s right. The 13-Year Veteran.

The guy who’s 5th in points and 3rd in rebounds, while only 6th in minutes. Oh yes, it looks like he’s the only guy really earning his paycheck, doesn’t it? It certainly looks like Joe Smith has been the bright spot on an underachieving, terrible team.

And yet.

Do rookies and second year players really have that much impact? Especially ones who are averaging a combined 18:46 in playing time? Or instead, is there something more sinister.

Here’s what we believe happened, according to our vaunted sources irrational conjecture.

Sometime in early July of 2007, Commissioner Stern was notified of the impending indictment of Tim Donaghy, and the scandal that would rock the league office. This scandal would consume the news cycle, bringing constant criticism of Stern’s league which was already seen in a negative light throughout some media circles. The commissioner could stand the criticisms of his athletes as thugs, the perception that the athletes don’t give their all, the bloated contracts and low television ratings. But an accusation of cheating on his watch would ruin an otherwise brilliant legacy. Something had to be done to one-up this story.

He needed something exciting. He needed something that would garner extensive media coverage. He needed something huge.

He needed the Boston Celtics to acquire Kevin Garnett and win a championship.

And so, in the second week of July, he called together a group of advisers to formulate a plan to ensure the Celtics a clear path to glory. The first were a series of calls to Kevin McHale and Danny Ainge, which went quite smoothly. The next part of the plan, however, was to make sure there would be no teams that could derail the Celtics’ path to the championship. The Magic, Wizards, and Cavs were estimated to be no match for the Three Amigos, but Detroit and Chicago did not present favorable matchups. League intervention could only extend so far, however, and Joe Dumars‘ shrewd maneuvers presented too much of a risk to try and penetrate. But if Chicago could be derailed, that would improve the Celtics’ chances greatly.

The decision was made by Stern to enlist an agency he had not used in many years. This group was shrouded in secrecy, and had existed since the inception of the league. It consisted of a series of players, selected based on their combination of talent and bland character. They were secret agents. They were referred to only in hushed tones, and then, only by the title… the Travelers.

The Travelers consisted of players specifically selected for their rare combination of mid-level bench talent, and anonymity. No matter how they had performed, the rare 30 point explosion, an excellent contract year, they remained a player only the team’s fans were truly aware of. They were selected for these reasons, because their purpose was simple. To submarine a team’s chances of greatness, through imperceptible shifts of team chemistry. They were sent to obtain a mid level, one-year contracts. They needed to be veterans, on the back ends of their career. After careful deliberation, the Travelers decided to initiate a new member, specifically to derail the Bulls. It was established that a power-forward was necessary, in order to 1. mask his identity, and 2. to keep down both Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah.

Joe Smith was chosen for membership.

The contact came through a friend of his agent, advising him of a business opportunity, that they wanted to meet Mr. Smith alone for an interview. The meeting was held at a local Arby’s. Smith was curious as to the meeting arrangements, but decided to attend regardless, at the behest of a strangely reassuring call from a retired, as yet unnamed player friend. At the Arby’s, he was met by a courier, who handed him only a briefcase, outlying the parameters of the arrangement, and an upfront payment. Further details, including the amount of payment are unknown at this time.

At this point, Mr. Smith contacted officials in Chicago for the Bulls and offered his services. He was more than willing to take a one year contract for $5 Million, making no insistence of a multi-year contract. The contract was signed on July 13th. On July 31st, Kevin Garnett was traded to the Boston Celtics.

From there, Smith, or “Agent Smith” as he is referred to in vague Traveler references, then took to completing his mission. Through a series of subtle maneuvers, he managed to usurp the starting power forward position. Then, in each game, managing to contribute solid statistical performances, while creating key failures on both sides of the ball, without being identifiable as the source of the breakdown. He also served to instigate trouble within the locker room, painting Joakim Noah as a problem child, and subtlely suggesting a players’ meeting to discipline Noah.

We don’t know what will happen to us, now that this information has been revealed, but the world needs to know.

Joe Smith must be stopped.

15 Footer 12.5.07

December 4, 2007 in by with 2 Comments

1. Let’s See What You’ve Got Up Your Sleeve, Frenchy: Well, the Lonestar Showdown is tonight, with Dallas at San Antonio. Without Duncan, Parker’s going to need to be pretty ridiculous. Also, Franisco Elberto is going to need to score 20 points, and Michael Finley will need to harness the power of the sun’s rays to set himself afire. We expect all of these things to happen, because it’s the NBA, and that’s how it goes.

2. Tyrus Thomas: Tomb Raider: The Bulls lost again on Monday, and Skiles decided to play Tyrus Thomas for the first 17 minutes and then send his ass back to the depths of the pine, because… um… well, as usual, we have no friggin’ clue why. We don’t want to get up in Skiles’ grill. We like the man, as we’ve stated before. But, seriously. When you look at the millions of reasons to play Thomas (if for no other reason than to boost his trade value to get Pau), we have a hard time finding reasons not to play him. Especially when he’s gotten significant minutes in their rare victories. But hey, Ty’s getting paid, so what’s the bother?

3. It’s All Fun And Games Until Amare Explodes: Amare went for 42 and 13 last night, as if just to remind everyone, “Hey, that Howard guy’s great and all, but I’m no chopped liver.” Now, the Suns are noticably streaky, in terms of their talent’s offensive consistency. This happens when you have 5 guys that can go for 25+ at any moment. But if the Raps don’t get Bosh back, or at least Bargnani, he’s got a pretty good shot at back to back huge night. Bosh has a groin injury, which usually doesn’t allow quick bounce backs, but if he doesn’t show up, this may actually be a team Phoenix can pound inside. And that’s like covering the raw meat in 11 herbs and spices before throwing it to the wolves.

4. Oh, The Times, They Are A-Changin’: You remember when Danny Ainge was a horrible GM? Remember when he was in a pantheon with McHale, and Knight, and King? Who’s laughing now? Not King. There is no end to our sadness over the firing of Billy King. Bad GM’s make business easy for folks in our line. But alas, it’s time to say goodbye to him. Things aren’t going to get any better for the turnover machine known as Iggy and Co., with the Juggernaut/War Machine/Monster of Doom coming into town.

5. Okay, No, For Really Real This Time: The Hornets haven’t been excelling against the Western powers. The Eastern Power of the suddenly very deep Detroit Pistons visit tonight. We really thought that last year signaled a changing of the guard, with Detroit beginning a long slow road back to mediocrity. Well, an Amir Johnson, Ronald Murray, and Jason Maxiell later, we’re back to accepting the Pistons as the second best organization in the league since the turn of the century (you know who’s number 1, don’t make us insult your intelligence by telling you). Tonight would be a good time for the Hornets to get good against good competition.

6. Let’s Just Liquidate Them Both And Start Fresh: The NBA Equivalent of the Subway Series is tonight with the Nets and Knicks meeting up in Jersey. The Kidd stuff has gotten a lot of press, so of course, he won’t get traded. That would make too much sense. Likewise, Isiah Thomas has made an extravagant measure of horrifically screwing up the Knicks in every conceivable way, so of course he outlasts Billy King. Why not? If we did predictions (which of course we don’t, because we don’t want to doom entire fanbases), we’d actually pick the Knicks. The Nets have missed Mikki Moore (entry #700 on things we never thought we’d say), and Curry has been a bright spot for the Knicks. So of course, the Nets will outrebound the Knicks and win by 15.

7.Trillion Alert! (See Basketbawful For Definition): Andre Brown, Michael Ruffin, Aaron Brooks, Othella Harrington, Tim Duncan (haha!).

8. Now Would Be An Opportune Time to Tap Those “Brake” Pedals: Charlotte’s lost 6 in a row. They’re 3-7 in their last 10, same as the Bulls. The Bulls’ coach thinks that starting Joe Smith over Tyrus “Lighter Fluid” Thomas is the answer. Charlotte is the John McClaine of the NBA. They keep getting shot at, chased down, beaten up, and keep right on coming. Except somehow, we don’t think they’ll blow up the helicopter manned by Manu Ginobli and escape to glory. We keep waiting for the Bulls to turn it around. Yup. Any day now. Right about now. Yup. Any second. Here we go.

9. Great Exercises in Mediocrity (Via The Corndogg): Go ahead, give me one reason to watch Cleveland/Washington tonight? Wanna check out Jamison before he hits unrestricted free agency? You’re the president of the Ira Newble fan club? Have a finger festish, or worse, a hair festish (Varejao was just too easy)? Your pet just died and you need to zone out for a few hours and forget about it? Now, do you see the anguish we have to go through every single day when games such as these are forced to happen. At least there is Caron Butler, and a probable triple double. At least we have something.

10. This Is What It’s Like When Colangelos Collide (Via the Corndogg): Suns up in Canada tonight to take on the air attack that is “everyone except the 3 best Raptors.” That’s right, it took 42 from Amare and a near 20/20 from Nash just to dispose of those pesky Pacers last night. Did they run themselves silly, or were they just warming up those travel legs to face off against the man who made them what they are. Well, if the Wacky Raps come out blazing like they did against the Bobcats, I expect the scoreboard to catch fire. Well, either the scoreboard, or Carlos Delfino’s hair product . Should be a great matchup.

11. Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Worse (Via the Corndogg): With all the trade talk surrounding the Bulls (Gasol, really?), its tough to take their game seriously at times. Indeed, they have that same problem. However, we here at HP talked our own trade game earlier today when Matt came up with this whopper! The Bobcats are sitting on a goldmine, with tons of cap space, some expendable assests, a great young center and two excellent wings. However, trades like this don’t happen, because quite frankly, GMs are stupid. Now, if only they, like Chicago, would start playing for the 2008 Playoffs instead of 2009. Well, I guess someone has to win this game. I pick the Bobcats, cause I’m a fan. No other rationale can be explained.

12. Thank The Lord For Short Term Injuries To Franchise Players, So Sayeth The Cuban(Via the Corndogg): This represents the irony of the NBA in ways I cannot even fathom. Dallas, seemingly incapable of beating mediocre teams, normally has its way with the 1 true NBA super power. Now, tonight, with Duncan out, it would appear that Dallas has this all locked up. Except, wait for the the SA bench to score 50 and Dirk to drop a big fat steaming rotten egg tonight. Much like Liza Manelli and David Gest, it makes no sense.

13. Sympoms: Nausea, Diarrhea, Vomiting Purple and Gold: The Lakers are on ESPN! Again! Look. We get it. They’re a known team. They play in a big market. They have one of the most recognizable stars, if not THE most recognizable star. Kobe scores a lot of points. Phil Jackson is interesting. We get it. What we don’t get is why these guys are on TV every damn time. I mean, the Spurs are a tired old story that’s been the same for almost 8 years now, and yet they’re on less than LA. The Suns and Warlocks are the most entertaining teams in the NBA, and they’re not on as much. The Magic feature THE premier big man in the league. The Celtics are a marketing DREAM! Yet the national television audience, instead of happening upon an interesting game between teams they don’t know much about gets instead treated to Luke Walton and Vladi Radmonovick. We’re running out of ways to make the Lakers sound at all interesting. If only one of their stars would get busted for some sort of scandalous encounter at a ski resort.

14. What’s The Most Unstable Element On the Periodic Chart Of the NBA? DN: Now, the Nuggets, on the other hand, are becoming fascinating, for an entirely different set of reasons. Stampler over at Pounding The Rock did some analsyis, and lookeeloo. The Nuggets are all over the damn board. This helps to explain things like, being up by 20 in the first half against the Lakers last Friday and still losing the damn game. Here’s a conversation Corn and I have had about 10 times this season, already.

Matt: How are the Nuggets this bad? How?
Corn: I don’t know. I mean, they’re not bad…
Matt: But they’re sure as hell not good! Melo, Iverson, KMart, Camby, Nene. Period! What. The. F*ck?
Corn: Haven’t you asked me this every Friday for the last month?
Matt: But how!
Corn: I’m going to watch reruns of Chapelle, now.

15. A Proud Culture, Coming Together Over A 20-24 Year Old Chinese Kid With A Shoe Deal: When Golden State of Mind told me that it’s Asian-American Heritage night at the Oracle, I thought that was some sort of cute, bloggy joke. Then I clicked the link. No, really, it’s Asian-American Heritage Night at the Oracle. This doesn’t seem funny to me because they have an Asian-American Heritage Night at the Oracle. That makes tons of sense, and I think it’s pretty cool. But the fact that they scheduled it on the night that the Milwaukee Bucks, hailing from one of the whitest areas in North America, and starring Andrew Bogut. And the fact that seemingly, it’s on account of a 20-24 year old rookie that grew up hanging out at Nike parties. This, to me, is comedy gold.

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