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Samson of Scottsdale

February 1, 2008 in by with 1 Comment

Oh Nash, ruler of all that is beautiful and fluid in the land of the NBA, why did you let your vanity bring ruin to the U.S. Airways Center? To let those weary, broken, losing-to-the-Sonics, evil-incarnate Spurs come in and steal one away from you. I hear your hairdresser’s name is Delilah. Why must you visit her right before you face the team that everyone claims you are incapable of beating and shed yourself of those divine locks? The prophecy may be true. Its not that you couldn’t stand the:
“Neck Napkin”


The “He-bob, She-bop”


The “Ape Drape”


The “Super Soaking Butt Cut Spectacular”

Or even the “Looking like I should be on ‘I Love New York 3′ Crusty Guido with Chest Hair all while doing the damn thing on the dance flo and getting low, low, low”

We love you in all your sleek styles. What we don’t love is having to stay up wayyyy paste our bedtime last night to watch you and the new “Stevie the Kid” choke away a surefire win against the Spurs. The way you left those locks on your barber’s floor (presumably right next to your jumpshot and defense) has forced me adhere to the old adage — Drastic Times Call For Drastic Measures!! So, being a fan and a friend, I, Corn, have hereby signed you up for the Hair Club For Men. I have already ordered a scalp replacement, some extensions (in a nice chestnut brown) and have even over compensated by paying for one free mustache installment, a la 1985 Keith Hernandez. Just to be safe. You’re not only the president, you are also a client!! Now start playing like a champion again and quite trying to cull a bigger gay fan base with the new boyish do, dude!!

Deep Thoughts… With NBA Morons

January 29, 2008 in by with 0 Comments

“It’s so satisfying to know that if we Hawks had taken Chris Paul a couple years ago in the draft, we probably wouldn’t have gotten Al Horford this year and been in contention for the last playoff spot in the East. Hey, has anybody seen my poop? It’s recess time!!”

– Billy Knight

The Saviors of the Night (AKA, The Only 15 Reasons To Watch The Puke Fest Tonight In The NBA)

January 24, 2008 in by with 1 Comment

The Book of Stern: Book 4, verses 35-36:
“Because Stern so hated his audience, he gave his only begotten aborted fetus of a schedule, including Spurs/Heat and Buck/Pacers, sent them to die in ratings hell, so that whosoever watcheth them be instantly recognized as a true NBA fan and be saved from the hedonistic enjoyment of the Suns, Hornets, Celtics and Magic. That, by following his word, Stern will maketh you a more commercially regulated asset and a follower of the major market superstar, regardless of his team’s ability to compete, win or even care.”

Or, to put it clearer, you are a sinner and a traitor to the league if you do not find tonight’s matchup entertaining enough. Not only will you go to Hell, but you will have to vote for Guiliani too. So, as a supreme act of defiance and disregard for this blasphemous, ridiculous and overtly arrogant programming, we at HP have swooped down from hardwood heaven to actually present you 15 angels, each of whom, in their own unique way, can save you from televised damnation. We present the 15 Winged Warriors (or, the guys you should actually care about watching tonight).

1. Archangel Boom Dizzle:
He cometh down from the Golden Gate bridge, wearing a winged fedora and loving independent film. He bringeth excitement and pizzazz (it’s an angel thing). He will also score 30 on Jason Kidd.

http://mavs.beloblog.com/archives/jacksontat.jpg
2. Seraph Stephen Jackson:
The protector. The nurturer. The spiritual center. Also, the one bad ass mamma-jamma that will shut down VC and stripeth him of the rock repeatedly.

3.Cherubim Monta Ellis:
Mr. Excitement. The celestial being with the heavenly touch. A swftness of foot unparalleled by anyone on Jersey. He shall stripeth VC of the rock repeatedly, too.

4. Dominion Al Harrington
Thou seest no front line that can contain Big Al. No Bostjan, No Sean, No Boone!! Al taketh the passes and dunketh them. Then he opens his celestial vocal chords and emits a most pleasant noise.

http://www.bildercode.de/img/1178121056_45397/b/biedrins2_0607_800x600.jpg
5. Angel Adris Biedrins
The rectifier of other’s misfortunes (i.e. rebounding machine). Most effective when directly in contact with his heavenly objective (#2 in field goal percentage). A preening angel, whose hair appears singed by the sun and combed by the wind.

6. Power Matt Barnes:
He loveth to defend. He hustleth. His mowhawk is glorious. he inspireth the Oracle (no blasphemy intended) with his braun and his tenacity. When he come to calleth you, beware of answering!!

7. Principality Keleena Azubuike:
Because it soundeth so perfectly. And because he hiteth the deepest of 3s.

8. Virtue Brandan Wright:
Because his body hath not caught up to his skill level. But Pastor Nellie cannot deny his formidable talents. When he taketh flight, his wings are magnificent (and capable of the sickest of slams and swats).

9. Throne Patrick O’Bryant:
Because watching grass grow is better than watching the Spurs/Heat. Because watching poor Patrick slowly rot and have his skills deteriorate as he pines away on the, well, pine, you recognize that he is just like you. The casual observer. And that should bring you great peace.

10. Virtue Austin Croshere:
He may actually playeth in this game. Even the creator (James Naismith) loveth a blowout and watching the whitest and gangliest of angels make great bounce passes.

11. Power Marco Bellineli:
His title, though oxymoronic as it might be, is still more worthy than a night of Jason Kidd not caring. His power is to mentally and vocally support his team. Because the Lord does realize that patience is a blessing.

12. Dominion Troy Hudson:
He haveth a Wikipedia page. So, perhaps his name should be Domain Troy Hudson. And even at 6’1″, he can still stuff a stat sheet better than Jason Collins.

13. Seraphim Kosta Perovic:
God does not reveal all of his great mysteries. Such as why Perovic is being paid for playing professional basketball. Yet, he overcometh. And can still stuff a stat sheet better than Jason Collins.

14. Cherubim C.J. Watson:
On January 19, he played 30 minutes and had 13 points. God blesseth those who ride shotgun with Stephen Jackson by putting Milwaukee on their schedule and giving them face time. He is a benevolent God.

And lastly…

15. Archangel Mikael Pietrus:

He needeth to be traded. But unlike the unholy miscreants of Jersey, it may actually happen. Because despite his being the doghouse of Pastor Nellie, he can contribute to a winning team. No destroy their angelic chemistry, the way Serpent Carter can.

Thus, despite the fire and brimstone hurled at us loyal, devoted NBA fans tonight, we have found our saviors in the land of the Oracle. We blesseth their presence, even though it means we have to to vieweth Jersey self-destructing whilst it happens. We pray that no more programming heresy be bestowed upon you and your virtuous fanhood. In the name of the Mullin, the Bay and the Holy Alba. Amen.

Where At Is Party, Yes?

January 11, 2008 in by with 1 Comment

In AK47′s Pants! Bam! Saw this link and nearly lost it. When they say AK is back this year, they really mean it. We may have to crown him the patron saint of HP. I’m booking the next ticket to SLC.

You Get What You Pay For

January 8, 2008 in by with 24 Comments

It is tough to feel shafted after you have paid $10 for a ticket to a pro basketball game, walked right past the security guards and into the $120 seats. This is what happened to me (plus my girlfriend and two buddies of mine) while I was in Charlotte for New Year’s Eve. We all decided to go the game, at the predictably 33% capacity Bobcats Arena. In fact, the game, against the Pacers, was an awesome contest that went to overtime and saw that thrice annual “holy fu#king sh!t, Gerald Wallace is awesome” display (usually, I have lost that loving feeling by the next game when he shoots 3-16 and commits 5 fouls with 8 minutes still to go in the 3rd). That part was great. Hey, even the crowd started to get into it in the final few minutes — as opposed to numerous lulls in the action when there was legitimately not a sound heard in the entire arena. Fortunately, for the super fans 3 rows in front of us, they made sure to scream loudly “Put Okafor In.” Then, quite a few folks in the crowd would laugh (from various corners of the arena), Sam Vincent would look embarrassed and Morrison would take an insulin shot behind the bench.
But, that is not really my point. In this day and age when most of us in the blogosphere, or even those that just read blogs regularly, feel that we would be superior employees within the league in almost every capacity, I get that point reinforced with such a ferocity and completeness that I really have to wonder (even more so than normal) if people that work for the NBA are infected with a FU#KING MORON virus. During the halftime show, we were subjected to this:

The laughter you hear in the first video is me. I cannot contain myself. I am laughing about how pissed I would be if I dropped $250 for a courtside seat and got AIR RUFUS AND THE BLOWUPS for my halftime show! I would be in the asylum. I thought “This can not be happening.”

My point is, someone thought this would be a good idea. The same kind of person that though Battlefield Earth would be a good idea. That thought the Titanic would be a good idea. That thought 2 Girls, 1 Cup (no link provided. You are welcome) was a good idea. Do you see what I mean? If I applied for the presumably, newly vacated job of Entertainment Coordinator for the Bobcats, I wouldn’t get a second thought, even though I have 2 degrees from a great school, plenty of experience, and judging based on this blog, I know what funny is. But whomever birthed this debacle from their wretched womb still, probably, has that job. When you pay people $22,000 a year, they puke up this crap. It is almost as unbelievable as Isiah. Almost.

Go screw yourself, NBA. I’d rather watch “Hatchet vs. Genitals.”

If anyone who reads this blog (and you know you are out there) has ever seen a more inexplicable halftime show that this, please leave a comment. That way, I can pity someone besides myself.

Luckily, we went out and figured out some solutions.

Monday Evening Floater That Rolls Around The Rim, Bounces Out, The Gets Tipped Back In

December 3, 2007 in by with 0 Comments

A long title, to be sure. But I am posting a truncated version of the 15 footer today because Matt has not been having the best start to his week. Don’t worry, he is not suicidal (after seeing Mizzou lose), he has just been swamped at work and I have taken the pleasure in serving you up some hot, juicy NBA story lines for tonight’s (mostly) unwatchable games. Unwatchable, because, like the Revolution, they will not be televised, not because they suck.

1. The NBA, Where Injuries Happen:
2 of the league’s most depleted matchup tonight in a battle to see who is left standing, literally. The Bobcats have been hanging tough and looking presentable despite the season long injuries of Sean May and Ammo (does that tell you something?). They also have the flying stuntman, GW. The Raps just lost Garbo for the year, T.J Ford is always a liability and Bosh was out for some time with knee troubles. Good thing they are playing in Canada, where they have universal health care. The hospitals will be earing their loonies tonight, if things keep going as planned.

2. Hello Old Friend:
Greg Oden, guaranteed to be wearing a turtleneck, and childhood best buddy, Mike Conley, Jr., guaranteed to be wearing something resembling this get to munch down on some dry rub ribs and play grab ass, since both are just cheerleaders for their respective teams tonight when Portland heads to Memphis. The other feel good story of the night will be that one of these two teams will win and my money is on Portland, since they got blown out by a Duncan-less Spurs team this weekend. Trust me, its NBA Logic.

3. When The Experts Are Wrong(er) Than Usual:
OK, so I am cross sports referencing right now. Forgive me. But the only reason that a Bulls team that has finally won 2 in a row (against sub .500 teams) has jumped up to 20 in the latest leader rankings is because everyone, at the beginning of the year, thought this team was a championship contender. The “experts” WANT them to be good, so they can be right. This team is not better than most of the 10 teams it is ahead of in the NBA power rankings. Kind of like when fu#king Ohio State gets to embarass college fu#king football by getting fu#king blown out playing against fu#king LSU just because they played a fu#king cupcake schedule…
Sorry, please let me stop this before I eat my tounge and the stigmata starts to reappear on my hands and feet. The Bulls will win tonight (not because they are good, but because Dallas hates playing crappy teams) and then I will eat these words. Just let it be known that I wrote this well before this team bottoms out. You heard me!!

4. I Messed Around And Got A Triple Double:
Two of the leagues most effective, versatile players square off tonight in Philly. My boy Iggy takes on my other boy, Josh Smith. Smith is well on his way to leading the league in inter-team squabbles (since Kobe is slowing down) and Iggy is well on his way to leading the league in turnovers, as a freakin’ small forward. However, when these guys are on, their games are beautiful. Very few guys can make an impact on the court, every single possession, doing something unique and different. Even if the production ain’t pretty (and it shouldn’t be, both teams stink), at least their performances should be. Kind of like Daniel Day-Lewis in Gangs of New York.

5. If You Don’t Think Stephen Jackson Deserves To Be In The MVP Race, Please Stop Reading This Blog And Never Watch The NBA Again:
Cap’n Jack seriously, seriously has to be a contender. The Warriors were 1-6 without him. They are now 9-7 and on freakin’ fire. Not only are they the most entertaining team to watch, they might just be one of the best, if you discredit defense as a reasonable barometer for how teams match up. SJax is averaging 21/5/4/0.2 (technicals per game). His team is nearly unbeatable with him in the rotation. He is the zaniest, cookiest, coolest dude in the league right now, bar none (yeah, you heard me Zero). Just watch this game and try to begin to understand his majesty. Oh wait, you can’t. Please refer to the previous post, concerning my belief in reincarnation.

6. Hedo. Oh Yeah, Hedo Everything:
The real secret of the Magic’s sucess will be revealed tonight. Hedo Turkoglu, once considered the odd man out in the Rashard Lewis deal, has finally found the form that made him such a star (albeit, a modestly sized star) earlier in his career. He just keeps pulling forwards away from the basket, hitting shots, racking up assists (which is easy to do when you keep feeding the guy who has more dunks than all but 4 TEAMS!!) and playing decent enough defense. But seriously, an unusual symbiosis has formed between Hedo and Shard, thus leading the Magic to the top of the East, alongside the Boston Hydra. I believe in Magic.

7. My Darko’s Back And You’re Gonna Be In Trouble:
Yeah, that’s right, I love Darko. He got me 20 fantasy points last game, without even scoring a point. 5 blocks, on a bum hand, against the awesome T-Wolves!! Ok, so it was just against Minny, but still. This kid is gonna be a player yet. Watching our new man crush try to stop another young Western “man-child” should be very interesting. Its gonna be a Bloc Party , and Darko is hosting. Suck it, Big Nifty (except, you are taller and have a great baby hook and turnaround jumper, which should cause major problems). But still, suck it!!

8. Utah:
They play tonight. They are good. They will win. We love Boozer, Williams and AK47. That takes care of all the games.

Something Short and Funny for the Weekend…

November 30, 2007 in by with 0 Comments

and I don’t mean, Vern Troyer. While I was getting ready for work this morning, I was casually checking out espn (lower case intentional) for the stat lines for last night’s NBA games, in hopes of seeing how my fantasy team did. When they got to Boston/knicks (lower case intentional), they did the usual: show the score, show the records, show the top individual stats. Well, they showed KG, Pierce, and Allen’s stats from last night. Then, the funny happens. They do not even bother to show ANYONE from the knicks (again, lower case intentional) stats. Not a single person.
May I remind you, this is the kind of stuff the leader (lci) only does when they show teams like Duke or Carolina beating 1-AA Podunk Tech by 75 points!
They always show NBA stats, and you know why? Because, not matter how bad a team plays, at least 1 person will have a decent enough game to show his stats. Even in the NFL, when a team is shut out, they still show stats. So, not only does ESPN not care about fantasy owners (whose teams are being ruined by the knicks), there was not even 1 single player for nyk (lci) that had anything close to a decent game. Don’t believe me, look here. And the only reason Nate Robinson scored in double figure was because of a last second “who gives a flying f#ck” 3 that kept the knicks (lci) from their worst defeat in history.
On second thought, maybe the leader (lci) does care about fantasy. No one wants a heart attack like that after they traded for Marbury before the season started (unfortunately, I am talking about myself. However, I am still dominating the league). But seriously, this isn’t even funny anymore. It’t pathetic. It’s akin to torturing a mentally challenged amputee. Please stop this, for the love of the League.

Just Can’t Get Enough (of Stephon Lunacy), An HP Fantasy Update:

November 15, 2007 in by with 0 Comments

Can’t get enough of your love, Steph.

We here at HP have plenty of great friends who sometimes humor us with their non-sensical patter about what all Matt and I DON”T know about the NBA. One of those guys is Jason, Matt’s best friend from college and friend of mine now, as well. Jason, though claiming to know nothing about the NBA, actually does. If he did not know anything about the NBA (or fantasy), then he would have accepted the trade I proposed this morning — Marbury for Kirilenko, straight up. I figured, why not? Marbury is funny, in the news alot, makes for great conversation and sometimes plays basketball. AK47 is a Russian tour-de-force who’s stat line last night was 8pts/9boards/11assts/5steals/2blks. You say potato, I say potato. The following is Jason’s reply to that trade request, simply for your reading pleasure…

“What the f#%k is wrong with you?! There’s no category for disappearing, otherwise f#%king David Copperfield would have been a first round pick. How the hell do you expect me to ever take you seriously again when you offer me a guy who’s best shot at playing time is blackmail?? Hmmm, an obvious lunatic with no connection to reality or the guy you wanted, a 6’10 European that actually isn’t afraid to bang in the paint? Why don’t you crawl into that SUV and get f*cked, assclown.”

That is all from your Fantasy update at HP.

Stephon Knows Something You Don’t Know…

November 14, 2007 in by with 1 Comment

The following post is a direct product of the Corndogg. Do not take before operating heavy machinery, 30 minutes before swimming, or in case of emergency.

It looks like Starbury’s PR people have their hands full. Could you imagine statements like this actually being given to the press by Stephon or his entourage? What are they thinking? This ain’t like Terrell Owens calling a teammate “gay” or AK47 demanding a trade, this is in-yer-face, do-it-or-else, Bush administration coersion and blackmail. That is a big stand for a has-been point guard on a team full of whackos and schlubs. But then, of course, Marbury redacted his comments and said he had “permission” to leave.
That last sentence makes the least sense. What could be so wrong in Marbury’s high priced existence that he needed to head back to NYC the minute the plane touched down in Phoenix? Were his shoes not selling in Harlem? Did he leave his Blackberry? Did Bassy Telfair leave the toilet running in Stephon’s apartment?
Marbury is living outside the rules. We already knew that sanity flew his coop a while back, but these petty tabloid “punkings” are the most ridiculous yet. He’s using the press to entrap his head coach into playing him! Not to leave , or extort money even. But for playing time. How can any of the other Knicks ever look Isiah in the eye if he simply let’s Stephon keep the starting point guard slot because they probably had a 4 way with some strippers, a hockey stick, some Hypnotique and a dozen plush toys?
Better yet, what is the “blind eye” commish gonna do to save his favorite franchise? I suppose, when questioned, he will answer as such “Well, blackmail is clearly not mentioned in the rule book. Teams retain the right to grant coach’s authority on game time decisions. I trust James Dolan, Isiah Thomas and the Knicks management to handle this situation effectively and with insightful judgment.”Good luck with this one, you jackasses (Marbury included). You deserve it!!
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