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Things as Likely as the Celtics Having Serious Interest in Landing Stephon Marbury

January 27, 2009 in by with 2 Comments

* Tupac Shakur and Elvis,  both still alive, running a hot dog stand in downtown Boise, ID.

* Someone other than Rodney Dangerfield successfully executing a Triple Lindy.

* Paul Blart: Mall Cop topping the box office charts. Oh, wait. */cries for America

* Jerome James SuperStar: The Musical

* George Bush correctly pronouncing the word “nuclear.”

* Stephon Marbury getting a front office job with the New York Knicks.

* Me dunking on a 10′ goal.

* Me dunking on a 8’6″ goal.

* Me dunking a 7′ goal.

* Charles Barkley biting his lip when he is about to say something stupid.

* Che Guevara t-shirt becoming ironically, post-ironic and then acceptable gain.

* Robert Horry being elected to public office… in Phoenix.

* Skee-lo getting any of his wishes granted.


15 Footer 1.15.09

January 15, 2009 in by with 0 Comments

Vince Carter is the New Jan Brady
Portland @ New Jersey – 7:30pm EST


Even Matt Moore has given it up to Vince-anity this year. He and Harris are, legitimately, one of the best backcourt duos in the league (well, sans Vince’s lightswith defense). But he has been on a tear. The Nets are even holding on to that always valubale “sub-.500 record but we still have the 7th seed,” um, 7th seed in the East. But Vince gets no love. People are more excited about Brook Lopez dropping 31 on the Thunder, Devin Harris hitting this, or sugraplum dreams about LBJ coming to town. Well, this is the one 15 Footer a year where we say “Well done, Vince.” (what? I tried to leave the hate in 2008… temporarily, of course) Now watch out for Roy, Aldridge and Oden, as they want to eat you up and on their way to a winning East Coast road trip.

What’s That? Oh, I’m Sorry. I Couldn’t Hear You. I Was Too Busy Feating On Your Innards.
Cleveland @ Chicago – 8:00pm EST – TNT


This is the last rung in the ladder for Lebron. He has been torching competition this year. His team is, now, the odds on favorite to win the East. He has Kobe coming up this weekend. He is better than the entire Cleveland Browns. This is the last chance for him to tune his machine before the entire NBA blogosphere zeroes in their sights on what is being whispered about as “The Passing of the Torch.” But the mark of true greatness is the ability to remain focused and not let your head or your heart leap ahead to the bigger game on the horizon.

In other news, Ty Thomas just found a 4 leaf clover, attached to a rabbit’s foot, underneath a horseshoe. You are just the baked appetizer before the main course of Laker filet. Should be nice and painless. I also wouldn’t be surprised if every single time Lebron wanted to shoot a jumper he ran right at Larry Hughes and launched them in his face. You know, just because… if Vinnie plays him.

This One’s For The Purists
Phoenix @ Denver – 10:30pm EST – TNT


This is reality. Both teams will try to “out tough” one another. The Suns will dump it to Shaq and try to rack up fouls on Nene, Marting and Birdman while Amare hangs out and waits to do his damage when the foul trouble mounts.
Billups will be working on burning Nash, getting to the line and feeding J.R. Smith for 3s.

Which team can outsimplify and force their style on the other? Just because it ain’t your old Suns and Nuggets doesn’t mean the game will be any less entertaining. We’ll still be in the 100s, with plenty of chest thumping and stomping. Melo will wear a Craig Sager reject on the sidelines. (BTW, when you google “Carmelo+Red+Jacket, this is the first hit you get. Try it.) It will all be the same when the final buzzer goes off, but you will have no idea how we got there. Basketball in the Twilight Zone? Yes, please!

15 Footer 1.13.09

January 13, 2009 in by with 0 Comments

This 15 Footer comes to you courtesy of our friendly co-founder and leader extraordinare, Matt Moore.


Today I’m actually giving predictions to go along with the previews. Won’t be a regular thing, but I’m feeling saucy.
(Corn Ed. Note – I do not approve of using the term “saucy.” But for Moore, it’s oddly appropriate. Also, I fully expect one of these predicitons to be dead on. Moore’s predicitons, FTW!)…

Let’s Get Violent (Detroit 96 Charlotte 90):
Close. Not close enough. This Charlotte team has fire in its veins, and Detroit’s feeling a little mercurial with this whole silly “starting” business. I don’t believe Iverson and Hamilton starting is a good idea, and this is going to be the game where the Pistons go “woah, didn’t know Okafor could play like that.” If they had Augustin and this was in Charlotte, I’d give them the W, but a few big shots and the bench differential is enough. Do enjoy Adam Morrison on the floor at the same time as Kwame Brown, though. That’s fun to think about.

Crank Engines To “Nova” (Heat 105 Minnesota 103):
This five game winning streak by the Wolves is seriously messing with my ability to endlessly mock Kevin McHale. It must end. In reality, this is a lot of fun on paper. Inconsistent guards versus inconsistent guards, Jeffersno versus Haslem, and Beasley/Marion with no one that can match their range. Wade’s got to be angry after the LA loss and is starting to trust Beasley. If Chalmers can get his head back together, the Heat should be in good shape. I’m betting they’re not, but then in the last two minutes, what are the Wolves going to do to Wade?

Someone Alert The Governor, We May Have to Declare Emergency (Cleveland 100, Memphis 81):
You know how this pains me. The Grizzlies are playing with zero continuity, zero composure, and look worn out. Cleveland is on a mission from God to destroy everything in its path. Rudy Gay can’t keep up with LeBron, Mo Williams will eat Lowry for dinner, they’ll double Mayo at the perimeter, and kill them on the boards, which the Grizzlies have troubles with anyway. There’s not a matchup on the floor I like, and that’s just the starters. LeBron sits the fourth.

Simple. (Lakers 109 Rockets 99):
TMac and Crazy Pills aren’t playing, which means that even though Farmer, Walton, and odom aren’t playing, the Rockets are screwed. Too many shooters, too much speed, too much Kobe. Always, Kobe. So if you’re going to check this one out, I have a suggestion. Young Mr. Bynum versus The Dynasty. Everyone likes to talk about Andrew Bynum being the next great NBA center (HOWARD SMASH!!!), yet Yao Ming still puts up numbers despite his passion for getting Dunked On. So this is a good one to watch to measure Bynum’s been hot lately, playing close to his supposed potential (albeit against small teams). If he shows up big against The Dynasty tonight, this could be the start of his ascension to the Greatest (HOWARD SMASH!!!)

The Freak Show Visits The Freak Show (Dallas 102 Denver 95): Birdman and Balkman team up tonight to take on Dirkalicious and Erik Dampier fresh of getting his face rocked by Shaq and Hawes. The Mavericks are reeling, drowning, clawing for air. Luckily they get Denver without Melo, and a squad they match up well with. Billups-Kidd may not be a wash, but it’s not a complete annihilation. And the Denver bigs don’t have what it takes to stop Dirk, not that anyone can. Bass provides the spark off the bench, Terry hits some big shots and the Mavs stem the bleeding.

The Farce Continiues(Phoenix 115 Atlanta 103):
Shaq will continue fooling everyone into thinking he’ll be able to play like this in the playoffs against a team without their best interior defender tonight. With Horford not available due to injury, and Nash feeling spritely, it should be pretty easy to put a hurting on the Hawks. Smith is overwhelmed by Amare, Nash topples Bibby, and Richardson keeps pace with Johnson. Unless Marvin Wililams decides to have a career night, on the road, when he hasn’t shot the ball well, the farce in Phoenix will continue.

DWIGHT SMASH! (Orlando 107 Sacramento 89):
DWIGHT SMASH PUNY HUMANS! PUNY HUMANS TALK ABOUT ANDREW BYNUM! PUNY HUMANS TALK ABOUT GREG ODEN! HOWARD STRONGEST! TONITE HOWARD GET BRAIDY HAIR BRAD MAN. HOWARD NO LIKE BRAIDY HAIR BRAD. BRAIDY HAIR BRAD SMELL LIKE HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS! HOWARD SMASH PUNY BRAID HAIR! HOWARD ALSO FACE SHOCK AND/OR HAWES. HAWES NO MATCH FOR HOWARD, EVEN IF HOWARD NO POSSESS SHORT-RANGE, MEDIUM RANGE, OR LONG-RANGE JUMPER! IF PUNY KINGS BRING DOUBLE TEAM, HOWARD GIVE TO JAMEER! JAMEER HOWARD’S FRIEND! HE SHOOT LONG WAYS! HEDO SAYS TO TAKE REVENGE ON KINGS FOR NOT WANTING HEDO. HOWARD NO CARE ABOUT HEDO’S CONTRACT HISTORY. HOWARD SMASH! Then Howard go home read Bible. Praise be to the Lord. … (Howard smash!)

This Is All Your Fault, Mike D’Antoni

January 13, 2009 in by with 0 Comments


As Rob spotlighted earlier, this Eddy Curry fiasco looks like prime time Knicks material. I mean, there aren’t too many ways you can upstage the Twilight Zone-esque absurdity of the Isiah years, but Curry may have just found the way. This lawsuit appears, at least at first, to have some sort of legs that will keep it meandering in and out of the mainstream for quite some time. Because, as we all know, the New York press loves to just uncover great stories and then never do follow ups.

My initial reaction was this: it’s D’Antoni’s fault. Why, you might ask? Well, my mother always told me “Idle Hands are the Devil’s Playground.” (see above picture) Although I am quite sure she wasn’t talking about hurling ethnic slurs and racists epithets at my hired help while I forced him to touch my schlong, I can assume that her sentiments tip-toed around a vaguely familiar line. If this is true (and right now, who could really say for sure – except for, as Rob noted, why in the hell would anyone not getting sexually harrassed want to make this up?) then I have to chalk it up, at least in some part, to all the idle time Eddy Curry has on his hands. He hardly practices, rarely plays and obviously has refused to pay attention while the Knicks are busting their butts on the court. So, in the meantime, Big Eddy’s thoughts can drift wildly, creating ridiculous scenarios about what a man of his stature and financial well-being can do with his social life. There is no need to be disciplined or self-regulating in your behavior. You are being paid extremely well to NOT PLAY BASKETBALL. That, coupled with a sense of immortality and entitlement that often (though not always) comes from being a professional athlete can lead to some rather blurry bouts with reality.

Of course, blaming D’Antoni is just a ruse. But, I don’t think it can be taken totally out of account that if Curry were out on the court burning testosterone, feeling appreciated for his skills and effort and having to live a far more focused personal life, these allegations may not have come to light. Maybe his driver really IS just making this up (New Yorkers have come up with far more outlandish stunts than this for noteriety and financial gain). And maybe Eddy, just like all of us, took his round of “The Penis Game,” just a little too far. I mean, what’s a little grab-sausage between friends, right?

Right?

Anybody?

Regardless of the what/when/why/where/who the situation, it will be interesting to follow. Just when we thought the NYK ship would be tight and sailing straight, along comes one of Isiah’s embarrassments to try and capsize the entire crew. And really, my life will be more complete scouring the NY Post everyday for the newest facts on this kooky, and somewhat oddly appropriate, case. Use all the “white devil” and “cracker” digs you want, Mr. Curry. For your sake, I hope your personal nickname for Mr. Kuchinsky wasn’t “BITCH.” Isiah would not approve.

Am I The Only One Who Sees This? (Well, Besides Skeets Who Apparently Made Note of It in His Fancy Podcast That I Can’t Watch at Work!)

January 8, 2009 in by with 2 Comments

(But this time, with no reference to Artest)

Moore and I were talking this morning about players who continue to plague current and former teams, just by their own existence. Darius Miles and the Portland fiasco comes to mind. The fact that the preseason games he participated in are allowed to count toward the 10 game threshold he must break in order to wreak havoc on the Trailblazer’s finances is abominable. (FTR, if Miles plays more than 10 NBA games this year, Portland is on the books for $18mil in currently insured salary over this year and next). So, instead of this washed-up, cancerous dud only having participated in 2 meaningful games this year, he is now ticketed for 8. If some big-hearted, reform minded coach wants to take a late season chance on him and let him hawk some Tyron Lue-ish minutes, it will cost the Blazers dearly. For his sake, I hope Kevin Pritchard doesn’t have many mortal enemies, cause this will undoubtedly happen. That’s not say that Miles isn’t trying to be a better teammate and regain his skills (ok, PSYCHE, that’s exactly what this is saying), but truly, you’ve got to cut your losses at some point. Some guys are better off in Europe… or Haiti. Portland has tried to do everything possible to rid their team of combustible, selfish miscreants and they still may get screwed for it because of some loophole in player participation regulations. Life’s a bitch sometimes, ain’t it.

But, that is not the real crux of this post. Has ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IN THE NBA BLOGOSPHERE noticed that the mere prospect and speculation of Stephon Marbury going to Boston has resulted in a crushing cycle of night in/ night out EPIC FAIL, KG being pilloried by his peers and Celtics fans acting more like Bernie Madoff’s clients than World Champs? Really? KD says not to worry, but I say you have nothing to fear but… Marbury himself. He may destroy us all!

Yes, that is right, Stephon Marbury is so toxic that even if he hints at the possibility of joining your team, you should consider it lucky if no players end up with Hepatitis, unintentional blindness or if they didn’t get their credit cards compromised. If Stephon Marbury wants to join your organization, please get rid of every gun you own, because they will most likely shoot you themselves. Not even the kid from the upcoming movie “THE UNBORN” could render so many people mutilated and maimed. So many dreams dashed. So many championships unattainable. So many dozens of lottery picks in your team’s immediate future.


We have truly reach critical mass in this Marbury situation. At this point, I am surprised all of D’Antoni’s facial hair hasn’t fallen out. Yes, it’s that horrible. The quicker Danny Ainge can come to the public and openly refute any dealing with or desires for Marbury, the better off his team will be. It not, they could end up looking the wall of Persians from 300 (sorry, saw it last night, again.)


I urge you, dear readers and bloggers, unite against this common enemy. Resist the temptation to fulminate about the possibilities of Marbury being a reformed, team-focused veteran for a contender. Do not allow his machinations and tirades about his being “disrespected” cause you to consider his “value” as a back up point guard. This man is out to eat your soul (not to mention, the tendons and ankles of your favorite team’s players). Resist, I tell you, resist. Or else your computer might explode… and you might have to wear pants and appear in public… and you might have to move out from your parent’s basement!!

RESIST!

15 Footer 1.8.09

January 7, 2009 in by with 1 Comment

Getting an early start on the 15 today… cause I gave up slacking for New Year’s. If you aren’t watching the BCS National Championship game like every other sports fan in America (including Moore and myself – since we have money on it. psst… don’t tell Paroxi-wife), then enjoy these two games – sacrificed by David Stern & Co.

There’s a First Time for Everything
NYK @ Dallas, 8:30est


Yeah, you just got Foreigner! Live! Don’t say HP doesn’t love you, baby!

D’Antoni’s back in Dallas and I expect ultimate calamity. Chris Duhon running circle around J-Kidd. A 45 point game from Dirk. A trade at halftime that sends David Lee, Nate Robinson and an au paire to Dallas for JubJub, Brandon Bass, a new lawnmower and a premiere Netflix subscription. Josh Howard’s head exploding in a fit of sudden vertigo at finding himself incapable of scoring on Wilson freakin’ Chandler! In truth, this game should be a force of deterrence. The Mavs will use their small roster, efficient ball movement and toughness against, well, SSOLNY (it’s like the bastard cousin of CSINY… on meth).

On a side note, good thing UT sux and didn’t make it to the NCAA Championship Game — more butts in seats at the American Airlines Arena. Cuban FTW. Cuban, always, FTW!

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS!
LAC @ San Antonio, 8:30est


This just in. Everyone on the Clippers team has accepted the Spurs offer of declaring the game a tie. What’s that you say? A Tie? Yes. In a gesture of good faith, the international leadership of the Spurs (Duncan, Parker, Ginobli) negotiated in good faith so that uber-Americans like Boom Dizzle, Camby and Ricky Davis could all kick back and watch OU/UF tonight, at home, in their giant personal movie theaters (ZOMG – Fat Free Popcorn and Diet Soda at Dizzle’s!). Who says international affairs are on rocky terms. Heck, an act like this even gives me faith that, perhaps, the Spurs are not soul sucking, fun hating, puppy killing basketball fascists.

Oh wait, that last paragraph didn’t actually happen. But, in reality, the Clippers will be taking this one off and the Spurs will roll slowly over their limp, lifeless bodies. AKA – just like every other Clippers/Spurs game. Or, surprise Clippers upset! Just go watch the BCS and wait til tomorrow, weirdos!

And Again

January 5, 2009 in by with 0 Comments

As with everything lousy about the Suns, I blame Steve Kerr. DAMN!

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He Finally Scores – But In The Wrong Basket

January 5, 2009 in by with 0 Comments


I only hope that our boy Antoine was, ahem, “pulling a Chuck” when this happened. Not sitting around, trying to figure out what to do with all the free time on his hands. Yeah, the same free time he’s had for about 4 seasons.

On the other hand, old dude was out til near 6am. All that rest and relaxation he gets on the bench must make him an all night party fiend. BTW, just out of curiosity, wouldn’t it be wild if the cop knew it was Walker by his infamous bumper sticker “I’d Rather Be Riding The Pine“?

Again, jokes aside, we are sad to see this happen. At least everyone was safe. Well, except for Walker – who will give his millions of critics even more firepower. Maybe he should sit at home in his basement, in his underwear, and blog. That way you don’t put your life in danger. Well, except when you piss off Jazz fans. YIKES!

Photo H/T: Hoopsvibe. And no, we are not insinuating that this would be the kind of girl that he might be “Chuck”ing. It’s only a pic.

Bloggers Are Real Hoomans

January 2, 2009 in by with 2 Comments


I wanted to send a belated, and much appreciated, Hat Tip to David Arnott (pictured above) – lover of the Bobcats, blogger extraordinaire and all-around awesome dude – with whom I had the pleasure of meeting and talking ball this past Tuesday.

I was in Charlotte for New Year’s Eve partying and made my way to Bobcats arena to check out the Bobcats/Knicks game. Any time I make trips to NBA cities, I always at least try to meet up with some of the folks we link, debate, gain insight and laugh with on a daily internet basis. If you aren’t reading David’s stuff, you should be. He has a great beat on the league in general and some fantastic insights into what currently is/is’nt working with the Bobcats and how they can (not necessarily will) fix it. He’s funny and has a great, patient girlfriend who let us sit there and toss out blogger talk and NBA jokes for a couple quarters. These women that choose to be with us blogger types, they are saints.

Next on my list are San Antonio, Salt Lake City and LA – cause we are on such good terms with bloggers of those cities’ teams. Fun Times!

Also, Mike D’Antoni is gorgeous in person. Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.

Bad Luck for Chuck

January 2, 2009 in by with 1 Comment

I can tell you a great way to get the youth vote, do something like this.

Look, let’s be real about this. Drunk Driving is stupid, reckless and dangerous. I am not condoning it, or maligning the cavalier callousness of young people (or older people who still behave awesomely irresponsible). But, if there were ever a good excuse to do something that stupid, Barkley nailed it (no pun intended… maybe).


The only good thing to come out of this, besides every single sentence written about the incident, is that is happened over the holiday break and it will be underreported. Barkley has this superhuman-like quality to avoid any sort of profound damage in the court of public opinion. Perhaps that is what allows him to use such gross miscalculations in judgement on a somewhat regular basis; however, one must still marvel at how little the man is reviled and held accountable for his actions. If this were a Stephon Marbury or Screamin’ A. faux pas, they would be pilloried. Chuck just sold some more posters in college dorms and now has a distinct, albeit distant, possibility that he might be getting a new butt tattoo (ed. note: I don’t see how the cop could turn that offer down. At least get him to follow through on it before you arrest him. Heck, take him to the parlor on the way to the jail. This is an enormous missed opportunity).

We here at HP love Barkley and we want to see and hear more from him. But incidents like this seriously jeopardize his future ambitions and national visibility. It’s great to be funny, but not when the jokes are on yourself. So, if the, ahem, outcome of the previous encounter with this lady was so good that Charles had to drunkenly drive back to get some more, use all that money that didn’t go to pay off gambling debts to get a cab. And while you’re at it, have another beer (since you won’t be putting others in danger) – it’ll make you last longer.

Oh yeah, and on second thought, maybe I WILL be going to Arizona for the All Star game. It sounds enticing.

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