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In Memoriam: The Year of the Goggle

This young season has seen the fortunes of many an eye be altered. Thankfully, the wise doctors of the NBA have expounded the virtues of the sport goggle to the afflicted parties. And for that, we thank you.

To the Year of the Goggle! HUZZAH!

A Spurs Cheerleader Speaks Out

Oh, HEY! It’s me! The physical embodiment of the Spurs winning a game! Go SPURS!

Just wanted to let y’all know that them boys won 7 a their last 10 games! Rah rah ree!
We got Manu! Yes we do! We got Tim and Tony too!

See y’all in the playoffs!

Other Things Stephon Marbury Refuses

With the Knicks severely understaffed due to their trading players for a chance at LeBron James, Stephon Marbury had his first chance at playing time. A chance to show the league he could still play. A chance to prove that he can be a team player. A chance to garner some good will around the association.

His reponse: nah thas cool man Im good Ima do my thing Steph busy addin patches to sportscoat holla.

Because I’m a curious man, I hired a private investigator to follow Steph’s every move, just to see if he turned down any other handouts. Turns out there are quite a few:
  • While getting Dish Network installed at his condo, Marbury declines the free DVR that’s included with his package. He says, “I aint tryin a be watchin TV shows durin TV shows Ima gettin caught up in life.”
  • At Chipotle, Marbury orders a vegetarian burrito, which includes guacamole free of charge. However, Marbury refuses the delectable treat saying, “Man Im bout that green but not that green holla.”
  • Upon purchasing a new Macbook Air, Marbury turns down Apple’s offer for a free iPod Touch stating, “I got my iRiver I aint need no iPod rivers bigger than pods anyway.”
  • We should have seen this coming. Upon receiving his $600 stimulus check this summer, Starbury threw it in the garbage proclaiming, “Pay me what you owe me 600 bucks aint nothin to the Mothership Connection aka Young Moolah Baby.”
  • At Best Buy, Steph heads straight to the video games section to pick up an Xbox 360 bundle. However, he refuses to take any games with him declaring, “I just get games from them high school kids I been running with.”

Entirely Too Early Four Word Reviews of the 2008 Draft Class

We’re an eighth of the way in to the season, so why not prematurely judge the contributions of 20 year olds? Four words to encapsulate the impact the first round of this year’s draft has had.

(Sidenote: Is Mayo wearing Dunks? I’ve never noticed that before.)

Matt and I on the ones and twos. Literally.

1 Derrick Rose – Better Than Expected/Jesus.
2 Michael Beasley – wasted on the Heat
3 O.J. Mayo – Missiles and guns fun.
4 Russell Westbrook – the Thunder suck regardless
5 Kevin Love – Needs more mutton chops.
6 Danilo Gallinari – sorry about your back
7 Eric Gordon – Is in Basketball Hell.
8 Joe Alexander – basically he’s Mike Mamula
9 D.J. Augustin – someone tailor his pants
10 Brook Lopez – Dude, the NBA rocks!
11 Jerryd Bayless- Would start anywhere else.
12 Jason Thompson – far better than expected
13 Brandon Rush – Not in Kansas anymore.
14 Anthony Randolph – please play this guy
15 Robin Lopez – A barrage of imagery.
16 Marreese Speights – nothing special, nothing wasted
17 Roy Hibbert – Not enough playing time.
18 JaVale McGee – better on the internet
19 J.J. Hickson – Why not in Erie?
20 Alexis Ajinca – surprisingly, an actual Frenchman
21 Ryan Anderson – His name is Darkman.
22 Courtney Lee – outplayed by JJ Redick
23 Kosta Koufos – Should trim back hair.
24 Serge Ibaka – more like Serge Zwicker
25 Nicolas Batum – Pritchard wins again, again.
26 George Hill – another Spurs late find
27 Darrell Arthur – Every other play sucks/rules.
28 Donte Greene – play this guy too
29 D.J. White – His jaw awfully hurts.
30 J.R. Giddens – Wikipedia page has stabbing

Understanding Mark Cuban’s Investment Mishap

Mark_Cuban

Finance is confusing. Even more confusing is the language surrounding finance. Luckily for you, I’ve put together this list of real-life analogies to help you understand the stupidity necessary to illegally use inside information to save $750k when your net worth is greater than two billion dollars.

Mark Cuban performing an illegal trade to save $750,0000 is like…

…Matt Moore praising Marko Jaric for a seven point game after OJ Mayo scores 20 in the 4th quarter to help the Grizzlies only lose by 8.

…John McCain repeatedly criticizing Barack Obama for lack of experience, then choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate.

…Axl Rose forcing every member out of Guns n’ Roses, leaving the band in shambles, then proceeding to get very fat, braid his hair, become a laughingstock and then release Chinese Democracy.

…Corn going to UNC but cheering for Duke.

…me failing to make Tony Parker jokes after he scored 55 points.

…me failing to make Tony Parker jokes after he injured his ankle.

…Time Warner rejecting Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, giving Wilco the rights for free, then releasing the record through its subsidiary, Nonesuch Records.

…Dick Rowe turning down the Beatles because “guitar groups are on the way out.”

…Lamar Odom accepting the Trojan Horse near the end of the Trojan War.

I’m sure there’s other examples too. Feel free to leave them in the comments.

Hardwood Paroxysm’s Continued Antagonization of Jazz Fans Continues

I never really understood Matt’s internet beef with Jazz fans. I mean, aren’t Mormon’s supposed to be non-confrontational? Anyways, I sorta thought his characterization of them was unfair; they’re just sticking up for their franchise, after all.

But then, during my weekly search for Mark Eaton videos, I happened across the above clip which confirms everything Matt’s ever said about Utah fans in a tidy fifty-eight seconds.

This is my mea culpa: Matt, you’re right. Jazz fans are crazy.

You’re still wrong about Chris Douglas-Roberts though.

Trey Has to Die: Yes, All About the Shoes

Trey Kerby is the author of The Blowtorch. He does not forgive. He does not forget. Okay, neither of those things are true. But Lordy, Lordy, Nate-Robinson’s-A-Shorty, does he love shoes. His “Trey Has To Die” column moseys on over here from time to time.

Holly’s post inspired me. She talked about how she loves basketball shoes and the stories behind them. Here’s my shoes and here’s my stories.

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These are all my non-dress shoes. I can tell you when and where I got every single pair of these. There’s a lot of repeats, but there’s a reason for that. Once you get your feet in a pair you like, you’re stuck with it. It makes your feet feel good and it looks good. Rock it.

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I read somewhere that a man should be brand loyal to some brand in some realm of life. At first I thought that was silly. Just some magazine trying to fill a list. But then I got thinking, “Trey, you have A LOT of Nikes. You’re already brand loyal.” And I am. I’ve never been injured wearing Nikes and they look fantastic. By far the best shoe brand there is.

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Though these aren’t basketball shoes any more, the Converse All-Star was the first athlete endorsed shoe ever. We owe Chuck Taylor so much.

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This picture tells the story of my post-college basketball life. Starting with the Huaraches on the far right, I’ve progressed around the half circle to the Melo M4s I bought last week.

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I got these Dunks the summer of 2000, just before my senior year of high school. I wore them a few times here and there but never for basketball. Until the last game against our rivals. We wore purple. They wore orange. We played at their gym and we won. I customized these in the summer of ’05, so they’re 1 of 1.

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It’s highly likely that there will never be a cooler team that the Fab Five. Being 7 and 8 years old, I was smitten. When they finally retroed these, I got them immediately. They don’t make them any more, so these are some of my most treasured.

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These are my newest kicks, the Melo M4s. They’re very strange-looking and have a lot of bizarre features and asymmetry and things that aren’t usually on a basketball shoe. They’re also the most comfortable shoe I’ve ever worn on court. And they come with ankle sleeves, so there’s that.

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I saved the best for last. I’ve talked about these shoes before, but the main thing is that these are the most beautiful shoe ever designed. There’s very few shoes that even come close. Legendary.

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Those are my shoes and some of the stories behind them. I’m sure you all have some stories, feel free to chime in.

Trey Has to Die: The Bill Walton Axiom

Trey Kerby is the author of The Blowtorch. He enjoys long walks on the beach, calculus, and the smell of a fresh headband. His “Trey Has To Die” column appears randomly here on HP, as if of its own accord. Ladies and Gentlemen, Trey Has To Die.


PROVE: Bill Walton’s career was cut short by his devotion to the Grateful Dead.

GIVENS
- Height: 6’11″
- Weight: 210 lbs.
- Shoe size: 17
- Missed 352 games in 10 seasons due to foot and ankle injuries.
- attended more than 650 Grateful Dead concerts

Statement Reason
1. Bill Walton played basketball at 6’11″ and 210 lbs. Given
2. Bill Walton has size 17 feet. Given
3. Bill Walton attended more than 650 Grateful Dead concerts. Given
4. Grateful Dead concerts lasted 2 or more hours. Wikipedia
5. 650 concerts x 2 hours = 1,300 hours on feet. Multiplication property
6. Stress fractures of the foot are caused by enough stress to exhaust the capacity of the bone to remodel itself. Wikipedia
7. Previous stress fractures of the foot have been identified as a risk factor. Wikipedia
8. Bill Walton missed 352 games in ten seasons due to foot and ankle injuries. Given
9. Bill Walton’s 1,300 hours spend at Grateful Dead concerts caused him to miss 352 games due to foot and ankle injuries. Associative property

That, my friends, is definitive proof1 (in the form of a mathematical proof) that the Grateful Dead ruins people’s lives. I’m not one to judge a person’s musical tastes2, but that’s simple math. You can’t argue with math unless you’re a jerk. Then argue away, I guess.

Nonetheless, this math should serve as a warning to all you proto-hippie big men out there considering taking in the next Widespread Panic show (I’m looking at you Lopez brothers). Don’t get caught up in the jam band phenomenon, you just might end up with fused ankles and the dislike of everyone who hears you talk.

  1. Please note that I vouch for the validity of none of the above properties and relations. I tested out of calculus after high school and haven’t touched math since. I don’t plan to either.
  2. Actually, I’m totally that guy. Jam bands suck a lot.

Basketball Things That Aren’t Really About Basketball: The Originators

Trey Kerby is the author of The Blowtorch. We’ve given him a space to fill with the deranged ramblings that come spilling forth. This week’s topic? Cliff Robinson. Of course.

Trust me, you like Clifford Robinson. You do. There’s no getting around it, really. Funny thing is, you might not even realize it. Let me enlighten you.

You like long forwards? Guys like Garnett, Bosh, and Sheed? That versatility on both ends, the way they run the floor, the way they can beat you from anywhere on the floor – that’s Clifford Robinson.

Or maybe, you’re a big style guy and you dig headbands. Those turn-of-the-century Blazers teams that had, like, 8 headbands on the squad were dope, right? Uncle Cliffy was on to headbands a decade before that. And yeah, people wore headbands before Cliff, but people (excepting Slick Watts) never wore headbands like that before Cliff.


Sticking to things hipsters love, let’s talk about weed. It was a bit of an outrage that a thoughtful guy like Josh Howard would get involved in the pot talk, he’s wholesome! Well, Cliff got pinched in ’01 for possession. At age 35. Regardless of your thoughts on marijuana, that’s funny.

Catch my drift? Clifford Robinson was doing the things that are commonplace today, but he did those decades ago. It’s not to say Clifford Robinson was the best player from my childhood. Far from it. Rather, he remains one of the most important players in life from an aesthetics point of view.

Two background points that might help: a) I grew up in a far southwest suburb of Chicago and am therefore a Bulls fan. 2) The Bulls/Blazer Final was epochal.

One more side note: that Blazers team was filled with Trey Kerby legends. I even named my old whip Jerome Kersey because it was black TrailBlazer. Rest in Peace, Jerome Kersey. The automobile version.

Back to the lecture at hand, I’ve been on some Cliff Robinson ish for a long time. He’s one of those guys that probably won’t be remembered by most people, but the people that do remember him fondly. And, really, isn’t that pretty much the whole point of Clifford Robinson? He never was going to be the best guy on a team, but he would be exactly what that team needed when they needed it.

You see, Clifford Robinson could never be my favorite player. With Jordan around that was an impossibility. However, Cliff was just as important. A legend like Jordan was an unreachable Ideal. The kind of once-in-a-thousand-lifetimes player that makes a kid fall in love with a game. A guy like Cliff Robinson though? That’s a goal. Something that you could take pieces of; someone that you could steal from, make him a part of you.

There’s a reason we fall for players that aren’t superstars. It’s not that they aren’t special, it’s that they’re us.

Basketball Things That Aren’t Really About Basketball: Getting Up, Getting On, and Getting Over

Trey Kerby, AKA Goathair, is the the author of The Blowtorch, and a frequent contributor to Yahoo! Sports’ Ball Don’t Lie live-blogs. And now we’re very proud to introduce Trey as a contributing writer for Hardwood Paroxysm. We’re pretty much over the freakin’ moon to have Trey on board. Welcome him, study him, love him. Ladies and gentlemen, Trey Kerby.

Say what you want about Lil’ Wayne’s abilities, but dude knows a thing or two about blowing up. By my count (which is EXACT) he released 19 mixtapes and 864 songs in 2007, while also appearing as a guest on another 257 songs. Sure, his quality control gauge may need to be recalibrated but it’s a fact that Weezy’s constant output gave him opening power; power enough to sell more than a million records in the first week of The Carter III’s release.

Also of importance to my point (which I promise I’ll get to eventually) is the nature of these releases. The songs on these mixtapes are either based around samples that haven’t been cleared or, in most cases, simply Wayne spitting new verses over another artist’s song1. Since these albums don’t have the proper clearances, they cannot be released for sale. Instead, they’re released for free on the internet, and then picked up by white music critics who embarrassingly hail these tapes as the greatest rap release since Illmatic.

By now, if you haven’t gathered what I’m getting at, you might want to re-read those last two paragraphs because they’re important. This new business model that Wayne has perfected –but not pioneered2 – is quite similar to trajectory most bloggers would like to follow. For the sake of this hypothesis, we’ll be ignoring Lil’ Wayne’s teenage years at Cash Money. He sure seems to want to.

Getting Up

Just as in the rap world, the blogger generally starts out independently. Usually this is a Blogger or WordPress site, but some of the more tech-saavy3 will use MovableType. During this phase, the blogger is churning out material, just throwing stuff at the metaphorical wall to see what sticks. Similarly, beginning rappers will inundate you with requests to check out their HOT NEW TRACKZ on Myspace. Most of these songs are atrocious and soon enough, the rapper realizes they could be doing more productive things with their lives, such as commenting at the Fanhouse.

However, the actually talented rapper will get noticed. Maybe they’ll get a song featured on Nah Right. Maybe Catchdubs will hear that track and decide to include it in his latest set. Somehow, the hip-hop world will catch wind of someone who is doing something creative and doing it well. They might get put on guest spots on a bigger artist’s album cuts or a more high-profile release of a mixtape. In the same way, the blogger who innovates will also start to gain some notoriety. They’ll get a TrueHoop link or maybe a short Deadspin blurb and things can start happening.

Getting On

This is a crucial time for both the blogger and the rapper as people will be interested in what they’re doing next. If they offer another something that is intriguing, that’ll get the ball rolling even more. For the blogger, this can lead to guest posts on other sites, small advertising accounts, and a slightly increased daily readership. For the rapper, this means that their next release will get a small amount of hype from the New Music Cartel and greater downloads of their latest offering.

Unfortunately, if the rapper releases a sub-par track, then it’s back to square one. While this won’t squander all the momentum their initially hailed release had gathered, it does mean that their next production must be top notch. The internet is littered with rappers who’ve made a hot track, only to disappear. The same can be said for the blogger. Their increased traffic means that more people will check back, hoping for something fresh and interesting to read. However, if the blogger cannot deliver then they to will continue to toil in mediocrity until they can produce a string of quality posts.

If the blogger can consistently deliver first-class entries, they will have the opportunity to capitalize on their new-found success. For instance, their site could be incorporated in to networks such as SB Nation or MVN. They could be asked to contribute to larger, more successful blogs. And though the monetary reward for these opportunities may be marginal, the notoriety gained will benefit the blogger as they see their page views rise. This situation closely parallels that of a rapper who has recently released a successful full-length mixtape. Though the mixtape cannot explicitly provide revenue to the rapper, their increased buzz will gain them larger audiences, more prestigious guest spots, and possibly a record deal with a small label.

Getting Over

While the goodwill and increased stature that Getting On provides can be enough for some rappers/bloggers, many seek to expound on their influence. For the rapper, this means a full-length album funded by a major label. Though this may seem an at-first unattainable dream, after a string of successful mixtapes the major label deal is close at hand. Another form of Getting Over for the rapper is a lengthy tour. Not only will this allow for increased exposure, it is also the primary means of money in the music industry.

Since Getting Over boils down to the maximizing of current success by way of past success, there are a few different ways that the blogger can Get Over. Among these are book deals, full advertising for a personal site, or an editorship at a major web outlet. Essentially, when the blogger has reached the point where they generate significant income they have got Over.

Conclusion

While the processes of success in the music and blog worlds are dissimilar, the general gameplan for each are quite comparable. If the blogger/rapper can create interesting, original content consistently, there is a world of opportunity open to each of them. However, it is rare for either of them to do so; the challenges that each faces (a multitude of contemporaries, few openings, timing) are present in both fields. Nonetheless, the chances are there. You, like I, may not agree with Lil’ Wayne’s self-anointed “Best Rapper Alive” title, but it is wise to understand the path that he has taken to rise to the top.

Oh, and if you’re wondering; me writing for Matt is like Asher Roth hopping on a Killer Mike track.

  1. My theory about Lil’ Wayne’s mixtapes are that they sound good because he picks the best beats around, then mimics the flow of the rapper that originally recorded the song. As you can see from his solo releases, he can’t pick a beat for his life.
  2. Wale’s ascension to Next Big Thing status perfectly mirrors this outline. However, he has yet to release his major label debut. Nonetheless, his rise from independent to noticed to Mark Ronson’s label to Next Big Thing is a perfect parallel.
  3. Read: pretensious.
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