Ankle Injuries Have Ruined This Match-up! I’ll Be In My Room!
(Suns at Hornets, 8:00PM EST)
This matchup (along with my fantasy team) looked a lot better before the Chris Paul ankle disaster of 2009. There would have been the two best floor generals in the NBA trying to dissect each other’s attack and knock down big shot after big shot. Instead, it looks like we’re going to see the Phoenix Suns push their NBA best record to 11-2 with a swift kick to the collective nuts of ‘NOLA Nation as they talk themselves into Darren Collison and Peja Stojakovic’s back. The only hope for the Hornets in this game is Marcus Thornton. Li’l Buckets can score anywhere, on anybody, at anytime, in any time zone, with anybody guarding him. So can Bobby Brown (the King of R&B) but Buckets does it in a way that doesn’t suck the life out of basketball. So maybe if he can get hot (and against Phoenix, defensive pressure is rarely an issue) and maybe if David West can play like an All-Star that carries a team and maybe if the Suns have a cold night in Louisiana then the Hornets can get this win figured out. But most likely, this is your weekly blowout on the front end of a TNT double header.
What Do You Mean The Best Game of the Night Isn’t on TNT?
(Jazz at Spurs, 8:30PM EST)
I’m sure many people are looking forward to the Bulls-Lakers game at the end of the night but let’s be honest: how often do the Lakers actually have a compelling game on TNT? So this leaves you to your Justin.tv and NBA LP Broadband feeds to keep up with the action in this game. The Spurs are a much better team than what the Jazz throw out there but they’re coming off of an overtime loss to Dirk Nowitzki last night so the legs will be a little run down to even the playing field. Here’s the thing about the Spurs that I’m starting to realize with each game. Now, I say the following with the caveat that I understand the Spurs don’t push it in the beginning of the season and it works and I love it and whatever. But the Spurs seem a lot like the latter years of Friends.
We all remember the good times with this show. We all look at Duncan and think about how hilarious it was when we found out about his wizard tattoo just like we look at Chandler and think of how he had no clue how to make the whip cracking sound. We all look at Manu and think of the time he put on all of Gregg Popovich’s game suits and asked, “Could I BE wearing anymore of Pop’s suits right now?†And of course, the torrid love affair of Tony Parker and Matt Bonner is so Ross and Rachel that I don’t even have to mention it. But at this point, I feel like everything is so contrived with them. The Spurs are trying to introduce new characters that don’t work (Richard Jefferson) and figure out what relationship pairs can still happen without the audience groaning (I’m looking at you, Finley and Ratliff). It’s still good enough to get you through a Thursday night but the fact that it’s still Must See TV might just have more to do with what isn’t on TV tonight, rather than what is.
It’s Like The ’91 Finals Except All of the Names Have Changed And Bill Cartwright Has Becomes a Troll Doll
(Bulls at Lakers, 10:30PM EST)
This in theory should be the best matchup. You’re going to have a young, aggressive Bulls frontcourt lineup trying to use hustle and grit over the glamour and style of this Lakers frontcourt. You’re going to have Kobe Bryant and his 100 career 40-point games trying to show Derrick Rose that he’s not worthy of the star spotlight yet by getting a switch defensively and punishing him in the post. And of course, Luolz Deng and his Nerf dunking ability going against Ron Artest and his shoe throwing ability. But there is something lacking here. There’s something that is eating up the excitement in the arena and I’m not even referencing Khloe Kardashian. I think it’s the fact that the Lakers just don’t really play fun games anymore. Sure, their fans love it because they often win and win big. But even the losses are pretty blah and just show a lack of trying rather than a team really taking it to them.
The only things we can hope for are a gritty Bulls effort and of course, Joakim Noah-ness.
Not Entirely Suitable For Work But It’s On YouTube…
REASONS TO WATCH THE GAMES OF THE NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION TONIGHT:
DeShawn is Secretly LeBron’s Biggest Fan
Cleveland at Washington (7:00 EST)
What, are we not allowed to use Lady Gaga up in hurr?
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: games between these two teams are a treat. Not only because they legitimately hate each other, but because most of the reasons why they legitimately hate each other are completely ridiculous. The playoff losses make sense, but at this point do they have any bearing whatsoever on these two teams’ rivalry status? It’s more about Jay-Z, DeShawn Stevenson’s mouth, Brendan Haywood pouring gasoline onto the flames, and LeBron James forcing the Wizards into a little brother complex. This is the best rivalry ever to hardly be about basketball, and somehow the end product is entertaining basketball nonetheless.
Still, if you ask me, DeShawn’s antics have a bit of a ‘picking on the one you like’ vibe. I’m not just sayin’ or just sayin’, I’m just sayin’.
How to Win Reputations and Influence Perceptions
New York at Indiana (7:00 EST)
It’s always a barrel of fun to watch Troy Murphy and Al Harrington match-up against one another. They’re essentially the same player, even if they play slightly different positions and have slightly varied skill sets (Murphy a tad better in the post, Harrington a tad better off the dribble). But evaluations of Murphy tend to range from deeming him an empty stat guy to merely average. Obviously his ridiculous contract comes into play there, but why was Harrington, pre-Warriors, at least, given more legitimacy? It’s amazing what playing for a contending team can do for one’s rep, even if Harrington merely spaced the floor for the bigger talents on those Pacers teams of old. Murphy, meanwhile, has dwindled away on the Dubs and the neo-Pacers, with his only fault being that the Warriors offered him too much money to be what he is: a decent role playing power forward with a bit of range. Can you even imagine what that guy could do if he was on the right team? On the Spurs, say, filling in for Bonner? Or the Magic, filling in for Ryan Anderson? Troy Murphy is a trade away from being considered a truly legitimate NBA player, but he’ll be forever trapped on a shallow Pacers squad that desperately needs his contributions in the frontcourt. Harrington has had a completely different experience in terms of opportunity, but has failed repeatedly in his attempts to find a home post-Pacers. I think Al has dirtied his image enough with his shot-happy play and penchant for tantrums, but once upon a time this guy was considered a quasi-star based purely on team merits. I’m not throwing a pity parade for Troy Murphy, but I feel for the guy.
We Know the Kids Are Alright, But How Alright Is Alright?
OKC at Orlando (7:00 EST)
The Thunder are a confusing, inconsistent team, and that might have something to do with their mean age being 15.7 (Kevin Ollie excluded as a 102 year-old outlier). They beat the Magic one game, lose to the Kings the next. They beat the Spurs one game, and lose to the Clippers the next. It’s the kind of uneven play you’d expect, but it doesn’t exactly make them easy to predict. But they’ve been surprisingly competitive against the league’s elite, with the aforementioned wins against Orlando and San Antonio made all the more legitimate by a win against Miami last night and a near-win against the Lakers weeks ago. So far, the Thunder are good enough to hang in the Western Conference playoff picture, hovering around a .500 record. Considering the limitations of this team, that’s damn good. Damn. Good. But because of their up-and-down performances, it’s impossible to say whether or not this Thunder team is the real Thunder team, or just the same guys hopped up on adrenaline, steroids, and Red Bull setting themselves up for an inevitable crash by hinging too much on Kevin Durant’s heroics and Russell Westbrook’s aggressive style.
I’m not saying tonight will bring about anything conclusive, but it’ll be interesting to see how the Thunder respond to a Magic squad that will be good and pissed off after their last encounter. Vince and ‘Shard may not have been playing, but I don’t think the defending EC champs take too kindly to being thoroughly embarrassed by a team that’s trying to swim wearing floaties.
I’m Starting With the Man in the Mirror
Charlotte at Philadelphia (7:00 EST)
It’s tough to find a team worse off than the Bobcats these days, but the Sixers probably fit the bill. The ‘Cats are easily diagnosed, as their complete lack of shooters and shot creation has left them in an offensive coma. It’s one of the side effects of relying less on D.J. Augustin and trading Emeka Okafor’s attempts from the post for Tyson Chandler’s Tyson-Chandlering from the post.
But the Sixers are more or less an enigma. Maybe Andre Miller really was the thing tying the team together, or maybe Elton Brand has gone from non-factor to team-destroyer. But what happened to the Sixers that competed with the Magic in the playoffs? Their 4-6 record may have some fooled, but not me; I legitimately think the 76ers may be one of the worst teams in the league, and this is coming from a guy who watches way too much Bobcats, Clippers, and Nets basketball.
I’m in an Awful Pickle. I’m King!
Miami at Atlanta (7:00 EST)
If anyone would like to explain to me how the Hawks and the Heat have come to form the Eastern Conference elite, I’m all ears. I’m having a hard time adjusting to a world in which Jermaine O’Neal is suddenly effective again, and the fact that Miami’s role players form a good enough team to win games consistently still baffles me. I’m a fan of both Chalmers and Beasley, but take a look up and down this roster. Please, just one look. And tell me how this team has been hovering near the top of the Eastern Conference standings.
Okay fine, they’ve had a weak schedule. I give up. BUT STILL!
Atlanta, hasn’t had the benefit of a cushy schedule. But Josh Smith decided to grow up, and the Hawks (KA-KAW!) have decided to make the NBA their own personal playground. Nuggets? No problem. Celtics? No problem. Lakers? Okay, a little bit of a problem, but still. Atlanta is leaving Boston, Orlando, and Cleveland in the dust record-wise (hyperbole), and if you’re not impressed then you’re not paying attention.
These Are Selfish Times, I’ve Got Shellfish Dimes…and Sand Dollars
Golden State at Boston (7:30 EST)
Part of me wants to see just how far the Celtics can bend before they break. They’re having trouble, but a loss to the Warriors is a special kind of trouble. I just feel like the ubuntu Celtics never faced any serious adversity, and last year’s team could always point a finger to their injuries. I want the C’s to meet truly unexpected turmoil, to lose games but not know why, to suffer defensive collapses and have no constant other than KG’s consistent barking (figurative, although literal works too). Is it so selfish of me to want to see a truly great team tested so? Is it so selfish of me to demand a trueae test of character for a team that hasn’t had chemistry problems, or unexplainable woes? I think not.
So sick ‘em, Morrow! Come back from the dead, VladRad! AND FOR THE LOVE OF ANTHONY RANDOLPH, DO THE ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE AND COMPLETELY DOMINATE ONE OF THE BEST TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE! AIYEEEE!
ATTN: Timberwolves, We’re Faxing You a Blueprint of a Successful Team
Houston at Minnesota (8:00 EST)
The Timberwolves have faced injuries to Al Jefferson and Kevin Love, and have won just one time in eleven games. The Rockets have faced injuries to Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady, and have won six times in eleven games. The difference here is smart roster construction, and any of those still on the witch hunt against advanced statistical analysis in the NBA should look no further than these two teams. Aside from Shane Battier, the Rockets have constructed a competent team using nothing but the ugly, deformed LEGOs at the bottom of the bin. These aren’t lottery picks or even cherry-picked role players, but essentially home-grown products selected through careful draft analysis and deep dives into the free agency pool. The Wolves have an interesting mish-mash of talent on paper, but a combination of poor team construction and inferior coaching (no offense, Rambis) is essentially the difference between 1-10 and 6-5.
Remember the Good Ol’ Days?
LAC at Memphis (8:00 EST)
Two lottery teams, no lottery rookies. I’m enjoying watching Clipper basketball this year, but this game should have record lows in viewership.
Defying Expectations
New Jersey at Milwaukee (8:00 EST)
Projecting these starts out of either of these teams would have been completely bonkers. I know the Nets are bad, but winless through eleven games?! They’ve played Charlotte, Philly (twice), Indiana, and Minnesota, and they couldn’t scrap together one measly win? The ridiculous injuries are an understandable scapegoat, but it still shocks me to see NJ winless in the standings. Meanwhile, Brandon Jennings has sparked the biggest interest in the Bucks since that one time where their mascot was on a motorcycle. He has made the very concept of Michael Redd obsolete, and combined with the tenacity that Scott Skiles demands of his teams, the Bucks are suddenly fun again.
This game could suddenly be fun if Devin Harris were to make a recovery via medical miracle/divine intervention/magical healing waters, but otherwise CDR, Terrence Williams, and Brook Lopez will bear the burden of being an entire team. That said, every Nets game now bears a bit of a Lions effect, where the first win will come with such delight that it probably makes any NJ-affair worth watching.
EXEMPTED.
Toronto at Utah (9:00 EST)
I have absolutely no opinion on the game between the Raptors and the Jazz. Toronto has worn out their early welcome on my League Pass, and the Jazz are bland beyond bland, particularly with Deron Williams in injury limbo. Eric Maynor is fun, but he’s not enough to make me watch Carlos Boozer on a night with so many other delightful games.
Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake the Frame of This House
San Antonio at Dallas (9:30 EST)
The Southwest Division is kind of a mess these days. The Mavs sit atop the standings, but are winning games with their defense and a helpful bump in free throw attempts. The Spurs are having unexpected trouble incorporating Richard Jefferson alongside their other stars, but beat the Mavs without Parker or Duncan. The Rockets work harder than any team in the league, but a franchise once measured by the far-reaching fame of its two superstars is suddenly reliant on the shot creation of Trevor Ariza. The Hornets have been turned upside down, and seem worse-off despite moderate improvements to their roster. The Grizzlies…well, I guess some things never change.
You’d hope that the Mavs-Spurs rivalry is preserved amidst the upheaval, and it very well should be. In fact, the Mavs’ and Spurs’ primary off-season additions didn’t change the fundamental nature of Dallas-San Antonio relations, but instead added interesting wrinkles. Richard Jefferson has a long-standing on-court relationship with Jason Kidd, and the friend-turned-enemy angle always brings intrigue (see Nowitzki-Nash). Drew Gooden is a former Spur, but his exit was met with little fanfare. Shawn Marion has been around the block, but I’d honestly be surprised if he didn’t harbor some resentment from the infamous Suns-Spurs playoff bout. You may not see as much visible bad blood between these two teams as say Lakers-Celtics, but they tend to bring out the best in each other.
Please, Put Your Feet Up
Detroit at Portland (10:00 EST)
Relax, dear NBA fan. Enjoy this night cap on us. Grin at the subtle pleasures of the Portland Trailblazers, as Brandon Roy’s smooth, melodic play flows over you. Take a puff from your pipe as the on-screen blur that is Will Bynum complements the shade of your smoking jacket oh so perfectly. And then bash your head on your coffee table repeatedly as you try to understand what exactly goes through Nate McMillan’s mind when he decides to play Andre Miller and Steve Blake at the same time.
These two teams are perfect for late night watching. Each squad is likely to do something spectacular, but not necessarily in a way that demands raucous yelling or screaming. Golf clap from your seats, NBA patrons, and drift into slumber as the Blazers pull away from the Pistons in the middle of the third.
Dallas Mavericks @ Milwaukee Bucks – 8:00 pm – NBA TV
Screw the kids, dogs, wives, girlfriends, mistresses, the Monday TV lineup (especially a crappy Ravens-Browns MNF game) … basically, anything you can think about doing, don’t do it.
Watch. Brandon. Jennings.
You’ve heard he’s a punk. You’ve heard he’s awesome. You’ve heard about him dropping 55 points in a game and almost sh*t your pants/dropped your drink (if you’re like me). Unfortunately, at the time I had no one with NBA knowledge to turn to for discussion … and I also realized that I haven’t concentrated on Brandon Jennings’ playing skills since he dazzled in the McDonald’s All-American game.
The icing on the cake/biggest endorsement of Jennings the player is that his Milwaukee Bucks are 5-2, 4-0 at home … THE BUCKS! The last time the Bucks won five out of their first seven, Tony Kukoc was in the league.
I know what I’ll be doing tonight at 8pm. With a limited NBA schedule otherwise, you best be doing the same.
Prediction: Dallas 101 – Milwaukee 96
Charlotte Bobcats @ Orlando Magic – 7:00 pm
Captain Jack’s agent, Mark Stevens, said Stephen is “happy about the trade, delighted about the trade.” In related news, Stevens sold a jar of fecal matter to a commode after taking a swig before talking. In some circles, Stevens is known as the Drew Rosenhaus of the NBA … and that’s pretty much all that needs to be said.
“Delighted” about going to Charlotte? Really? That’s like saying your delighted about an upcoming prostate exam.
Not to knock Charlotte … although a team led by Golf Course Jordan is a sh*t show in its own right. But this is more of an indictment of Cap’n Jack … as in him eventually requesting a trade out of Charlotte is 18X more likely than him popping a cap n somebody, which happening is well within reason.
Don’t bother yourself with this game. Not only are the Bobcats bad (albeit, they’ve got a better record than those goddamn Washington Wizards), but they play at the slowest pace in the NBA. And Orlando is not exactly fast with their pace ranked 21st.
Seriously, you’re better off watching the commercials during the game below … or even the Ravens-Browns.
Prediction: Orlando 121 – Charlotte 87
Portland Trailblazers @ Atlanta Hawks – 7:00 pm
This crunkest game of the night …. Block Party.
Steve Blake returns to Atlanta, where he won a National Championship with the Maryland Terps in 2002.
If fate would have been better aligned, Juan Dixon would be on the Hawks … but he was cut in the preseason. Dixon essentially played his way out of the NBA with his crappy play for the Wizards last season.
Blake will, however, be going against his fellow Terp Joe Smith.
Random Stats:
The Hawks are 3rd in the league in PPG (108) and FG% (48.6).
Portland is 5th in blocks (6.4), Atlanta is 4th (6.5).
Portland leads the league in FT% (83.1).
Josh Smith averages 7.3 shot attempts at the rim per game, 7th in the NBA.
Smith also leads the league in blocks per game (2.6), Greg Oden is 2nd (2.45).
Joel Pryzbilla leads the NBA in Total Rebound Rate (24.2).
Watching Brandon Jennings will be great, but this might be the better game. It’s all about which team will instill their pace upon the game. The Hawks rank 9th in that category, the Blazers rank 28th.
Too bad Dwyane Wade isn’t playing the Wizards tonight. When he’s gone against Washington this season, he averages 40.5 points on 50.9% from the field. When he’s not, a measly 25.6 ppg on 42.1 FG%.
Lucky for Wade, he’s still pretty damn good … and when it comes to matching up against his fellow draft classmate, the wins and losses are just about even with LeBron holding the 10-9 advantage. The last time the Heat and the Cavs met, March 7, 2009, Mo Williams led all scorers with 29 points in a 99-89 Cleveland win. Williams has only scored over 27 points once since, one time being the 28 he dropped in Cleveland’s win against Orlando last night. The Cavs are 8-0 when Williams scores 27 or more points.
Mo was absolutely a man possessed in the first half, hitting all 8 of his field goal attempts (including 4 threes) in the first 24 minutes. When the Magic went under the screen, he pulled up from the left side and drained threes over Jameer Nelson. (A note here; Nelson’s defense was a factor in this. With Nelson’s short size and alligator arms, taller points who can flat-out shoot off the dribble like Mo are going to be problems for him.)
Of course, Williams won’t be going against Alligator Arms Nelson tonight … he’ll be up against the long arms of Mario Chalmers and his 2.43 steals per game, third best in the NBA.
Other Storylines:
This will only be Shaq’s second trip back to Miami since winning a championship there. In the first meeting, Shaq’s Suns were bested by the Heat 135-129 — Dwyane Wade tied his career high of 16 assists, the only time he’s out-assisted Steve Nash, who had 10, in their seven meetings.
LeBron no longer wants to talk about free agency because it’s “getting old.” Other people do. But really, what does the self-proclaimed King of Ohio expect when he passes the opportunity to re-up in his home state and continues to drape his brand in New York Yankees propaganda?
Delonte West was inactive last night in Orlando, reportedly because he missed a team flight from Cleveland … but it could be because of his new math. No word on if he will be active against the Heat tonight.
In any case, both West and Miami’s Michael Beasley had events occur in their respective offseasons that they’d probably rather do-over. Thus, a Google search suggestion on each player might aptly suggest how good of a game they might have.
Well, all of these things except rehab seem like fun activities. I’m no tattoo person, but they seem to bring joy to plenty of people. West, on the other hand, certainly has a diverse set of related terms … some “fun” things (kfc, hot sauce, donuts, rap, twitter), and several not so fun conditions to have.
So while this clearly indicates that Beasley will have 17 and 12, and West will have seven points, four turnovers, and quite possible a V.D., the Cavs will continue to gel and dominate the paint, only allowing Wade to get his on the perimeter.
Cleveland 94 – Miami 81
Phoenix Suns @ LA Lakers – 10:30 PM – TNT
You’re not going to find many people who aren’t surprised at Phoenix’s hot 6-1 start … especially with Amar’e Stoudemire still knocking off rust and eye snot (his PER and PPG are career lows, aside from his rookie year and the season in which he only played three games).
Which makes one wonder … at what point will Steve Nash be mentioned in the MVP conversation? And at what point can we start talking MVP in the first place? (It’s way too early IMO, but that hasn’t kept absurd fans from chanting it in arenas across the nation).
The Suns lead the NBA in FG% (.508), 3P% (47.4), and obviously points (112.3). With the NBA’s leading dime-dropper, the Suns are second to Boston in team assists per game (25.7) and third after the Celts and Clippers in assist-percentage (62.1). But curiously enough, despite leading the NBA with made 3-pointers (102), along with their league leading 3P%, the Suns are 24th in the NBA in Assist-% on three-pointers.
Nash is doing as good of a job as ever in getting his teammates involved and making them better … and especially Jason Richardson, who’s having a career-year in PER, FG% and 3P% by far (he also sat out the first two games due to a DUI arrest suspension).
Can the hot shooting continue? I doubt it against the Lakers … they matchup too well. Odom can checks Frye on the perimeter. And either Kobe or Artest gives Richardson trouble. Artest might actually fare better against Grant Hill, especially in keeping him off the boards. Hill hasn’t averaged over eight rebounds per game since Sweaty Pat Ewing was getting run with Orlando earlier this decade. Laker PGs still might have trouble keeping Nash contained, but still look for Phoenix’s shooting percentages to come back to reality tonight.
Brad Miller is the newest resident of frowntown :(. But look, Bulls, let’s chill for a second. Robbed or not (and honestly, who can tell? All the angles/replays I’ve seen are impossibly close), you can win this game. Yes, even on the second night of a back-to-back. Toronto’s a talented squad but still very much vulnerable, and the match-ups certainly go in Chicago’s favor. Plus, the Bulls are as equipped as anyone to stop Chris Bosh, provided they sick Joakim Noah and the whole gang of long, athletic forwards on Bosh. What you should learn from this: Chicago always stands a decent shot of beating superior teams with energy and quickness, and Chris Bosh really, really needs a nickname.
As for Toronto, what did you really expect? The Raps’ D has always been troublesome. They added Hedo Turkoglu and a few rotation players, and that’s supposed to key some sort of drastic improvement? This is where I chuckle. Or laugh maniacally. Either way, Toronto’s dead last in defensive efficiency, and we shouldn’t be at all surprised.
This Way Is a Water Slide Away From Me That Takes You Further Every Day.
Golden State at Indiana (7:00 EST)
These teams had potential. Not for the championship, or even the playoffs, really. But both the Warriors and the Pacers had a chance to establish themselves as a cult favorite, this year’s Thunder, if you will. Indiana could theoretically run a fun, aggressive offense that would force people to tune in, and the Warriors’ particular brand of gunslinging could potentially be pure sex appeal.
Instead, both teams decided they’re going to take my great hopes and use them as a blunt weapon to beat me to death with. Stephen Jackson really, really loves playing in Golden State, so much that he and his agent are currently moving forward with a months-long artillery shelling that will bombard the Dubs into nonexistence, strategically cut off their access to key ports, and then heavily tax their imports. Otherwise, the team is essentially fun player after fun player playing for Nellie with a scowl on their faces.
The Pacers…ugh, don’t even get me started. Anyone who has ever expected T.J. Ford to take a leap (me) over any point in his career is probably a fool. Rare is the Steve Francis-esque point guard who simply refuses to learn any new tricks over the course of their early career, but Ford is one such creature. Granger’s a treat and Hibbert is improving, but too often watching the Pacers feels like a trip to the dentist (in either the literal sense or the Veronica Mars sense).
Still Don’t Know What I Was Waiting For, and My Time Was Running Wild a Million Dead-End Streets
Atlanta at New York (7:30 EST)
I get the impression that the Knicks are the team that everyone circles on their calendar. D’Antoni’s SSoL dream has transformed into a bit of a nightmare, as the Suns that once tore up opponents with their speed and conditioning have been swapped for a Knicks team that encourages opponents to run the break while not being effective enough on offense to counter. You don’t think Jamal Crawford is going to love that? You don’t think Josh Smith is going to love that? YOU DON’T THINK JEFF TEAGUE IS GOING TO LOVE THAT AND PROVE IT BY DROPPING A DOUBLE-NICKEL AND MAKING THE WORLD WONDER WHY MIKE BIBBY IS STARTING FOR ANY RESPECTABLE NBA TEAM?
I refuse to acknowledge that I’m getting carried away (and of course, in saying that very thing I’m acknowledging what I refuse to acknowledge), but the point is made. The Knicks are who everyone wants to play against, and tonight the Hawks will show you why.
How Bizarre, How Bizarre
Philadelphia at New Jersey (7:30 EST)
Elton Brand’s decline is, and shall ever remain, one of the most bizarre phenomena our world has ever seen. I’ve watched games and I’ve read theories, but to this point I’ve digested no true coherent, believable reason as to why Elton Brand fell off the planet in such a sudden and dramatic fashion. You can blame injury or you can blame chemistry, but Elton doesn’t look all that inhibited and he spent the majority of his career playing for the Clippers. You want teams with bad chemistry and bad fits, look no further than the those Clips teams from the rest of Brand’s body of work.
Elton was the rare humble star, and looked to be the kind of player that could plug-and-play in just about any system. He was mobile, he was strong, and he was skilled on both sides of the ball. I’d be shocked if he was described in any of those ways now. So Elton, Sixers’ coaching staff, or oracles out there reading this: what the hell happened to Elton Brand?
I’m This Close, Larry and MJ. THIS. CLOSE.
Charlotte at Detroit (7:30 EST)
The Bobcats are testing my patience. I’ve waited around this long because even in their struggles, the Bobcats were fun. But every time I see Tyson Chandler in one of those new Charlotte unis, my heart aches. Nothing is fun anymore. The food tastes different, the air is less sweet, and Amelie seems hopelessly depressing. And this is WITH Gerald Wallace leading the fracking league in rebounding. His performance on the glass has been the lone bright spot for the ‘Cats so far, and though the rest of the roster is playing well within their respective abilities, that’s exactly the problem.
It’s been fun, Bobcats, but I’m on the verge. I’ve been a part-time fan of your fledgling franchise for a few years now, but I’m close to jumping ship. Even when times were hard before, there was always the entertainment; the dynamic play of Wallace, the steady influence of Emeka Okafor, the hilarity of Felton shooting lots of jumpers. But when Okafor left, I fear some of that magic left with him. I’m trying, guys, but you’ve gotta give me something.
What’s It Feel Like to Be a Ghost?
Utah at Boston (7:30 EST)
The Utah Jazz. They have good players. They don’t really play good basketball. Sometimes they win games. Sometimes they lose games. But all of the time they are a hopelessly confusing team in search for…what exactly?
You’d think that the Jazz would be a better defensive team than they are, even if they do play Carlos Boozer. The rest of the team ranges from slightly below average to very competent individual defenders, which seems good enough to me. Opposing offenses apparently think otherwise, as Utah is brutally slain time and time again by respectable and miserable defenses alike.
On paper, they’ve got it all. An elite point guard, post scoring, a big to stretch the floor, slashers and finishers, a quality coach. But tonight the Celtics will show them what a pretty damn good team really looks like, and it won’t be fun for the SLC. KG is basically what Boozer wishes he could be, ‘Sheed is a more respected (if crazy!) and defensively-skilled Memo, and Perk is a hellish Paul Millsap. Beyond that, the C’s have their star power, they have their quality coach (Garnett), and all the components that fit together just right. Not right enough to produce anything but a miserable offense, but right enough to maybe win the championship anyway.
Sweet Dreams are Made of Jonny Flynn
Portland at Minnesota (8:00 EST)
Jonny Flynn isn’t the best point guard out of the ’09 draft class. In fact, I don’t know if I’d even rank him among the top three at the moment. But something about Flynn’s game is powerful and watchable. The way he moves his body and moves the ball is infectious, and it’s the primary reason why the Wolves have been semi-regulars on my League Pass despite their generally terrible play. If you don’t believe me, DVR this game tonight, and just watch Flynn. Watch him operate against Steve Blake and Andre Miller, watch his ball control, watch his shot selection, and just watch him. I know I may sound like a seventh grade girl with a crush, but this guy is going places. It may not be to the top tier of point guards and it may not be to a championship team, but wherever Jonny’s going is where I want to be.
As for the Blazers, I just want to add this: For a 5-2 team, Portland is in a strange place. Players are unhappy, not everything is going according to plan, and oh, there was that time they let Trevor Ariza go absolutely bonkers. The team is good, and I happen to think that the coach is good, but something is rotten in the city of Portland.
An Unfortunate Game Between Two Lottery Teams
Cleveland at Orlando (8:00 EST)
It’s really a shame. Two general managers took a page from Daryl Morey’s book, and though these lovable squads of upstarts and role players play hard night-in and night-out, they just don’t have the talent to win that many games. Maybe if we threw some superstars into the mix, these teams would not only compete, but manage to sell some tickets. But as it stands, this should be a hard-fought game between two also-ran squads, the runt of tonight’s litter, and a depressing visage of what happens to desolate franchises when deprived of the league’s moneymaking stars. BTW, these teams owe me for the free pub, because this blurb is all the press they’re going to get tonight.
MASCOT DUEL!
Denver at Milwaukee (8:00 EST)
vs.
and
vs.
There’s a Man in the Habit of Hitting Me on the Head With an Umbrella
Memphis at Houston (8:30 EST)
You could take this metaphor in just about any direction. Is the Umbrella Man Allen Iverson, repeatedly tapping the skulls of everyone in and around the Grizzlies organization?
Or is the Umbrella Man the Houston Rockets, tapping and tapping their opponents into eventual submission and acceptance of their defeat?
Choose your own metaphor, but I’ve got an inkling that this game will echo all of this story’s insanity.
Together We Will Live Forever
Dallas at San Antonio (8:30 EST)
Duncan and Parker aren’t playing tonight, but I still feel like Dallas-San Antonio is the premier division rivalry. Lakers-Celtics still has some fire, and Cleveland-Washington is an emotionally charged barrel of monkeys, but no rivals in the NBA can boast the history, mutual respect/hatred, and proximity of these two. I don’t see any magic happening tonight with the Spurs’ bottom-heavy roster, but consider it a prelude to their later acts. All is nearly said and done for this decade, and it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to claim that Spurs-Mavs has been the most intriguing rivalry the 2000s (who says “aughties” anyway?) have had to offer.
The Times They Aren’t a Changin’
New Orleans at Phoenix (10:30 EST)
Chris Paul may be the new jack, even if he’s not quite so new anymore, but Steve Nash still has to say his piece before riding off into the sunset. The Suns are winning again and the Hornets are…well, kind of pitiful. Somehow Nash looks young and spry with his flashy new contract and teammates, while Chris Paul has the demeanor of an angry veteran on a team of inexperienced youngsters. And while Paul may run circles around Nash tonight, you can take this one to the bank: the Suns will run the Hornets off the floor. Not because NOLA is old, or slow, or anything like that. Just because at this point in the season the Suns are that much better, that much more exciting (and excited), and that much more worthy of the W.
Also, Bobby Brown.
True Love or a Passing Fancy?
OKC at LAC (10:30 EST)
If I do throw the Bobcats into the wind, it’s for these two teams. But the Thunder are too obvious; Durant is easy to cling to, watching Russell Westbrook play is like watching a car crash (but in a good way), and the team is filled with lovable muppets like Jeff Green and Shaun Livingston. The non-conformist in me won’t let me grab hold of the Thunder, even if they are fun to watch, and charismatic, and headed in the right direction.
I think I love the Clippers for those same reasons, even if they’re a bit behind the curve. Baron Davis is so aggravating when he’s in a rut, and the farthest thing from charismatic when unmotivated. And even though Boom isn’t quite playing up to his potential in LA, he looks involved. He looks engaged. And believe me, the Clips are all the better for it.
I never thought the Clips sans Griffin would pique my interest, but that’s exactly what they’ve done this season. Eric Gordon is worth the price of admission alone, and Chris Kaman’s strong start doesn’t hurt. They’re a goofy team, and hardly a successful one, but this team is very, very cool. Not smooth, not effective, just cool.
It’s a freaking Tuesday night. What else could possibly be going to where you don’t want to park yourself in front of the League Pass or illegal stream on the internet and enjoy six games of basketball joy?
Illusions, Michael… Tricks are what whores do for money
(Magic at Bobcats, 7:00PM EST) It’s pretty simple for the Charlotte Bobcats – all they need to do in order to win basketball games is play their games at home and hope Gerald Wallace grabs at least 15 rebounds in the game. But that’s not a realistic thing to expect every time the Bobcats need a win, especially against a team like the Magic. In case you haven’t heard, Dwight Howard is a giant eagle in a huge human Halloween costume. GM Otis Smith saw this giant eagle in a huge human Halloween costume and signed him to circle the backboard both ends of the floor and grab whatever bounces off of the orange circle attached to the fiberglass window. So even though the Bobcats are at home, it seems unlikely that the accompanying necessity for this Bobcats team to win is going to happen. Gerald Wallace isn’t grabbing 15 rebounds in a game in which he’s having to guard the perimeter and out-soar Dwight Howard for the boards. It’s about as likely as throwing a letter into the ocean.
Hey! That was supposed to be OUR record… not yours! (Wizards at Heat, 7:30PM EST)
The Washington Wizards have a new coach, a new old star back in the lineup and some new depth. The problem is they have the same old record. The Heat on the other hand have an old center with old knees, their same old superstar and a looming decision for their star that could bring him back to his old hometown to play basketball next year. So why do they have records that don’t match these scenarios? This sounds like the great plot to a Kate Hudson movie. Sign up McConaughey, slap a PG-13 rating for three curse words and a shirtless surfer, and you’ve got yourself the Wizards-Heat game. The Wizards are sorely missing Antawn Jamison to provide that extra scoring, even though Andray Blatche has solicited some improvement in his game this year. At the very worst, you’re getting to see Gilbert Arenas and Dwyane Wade duke it out for 48 minutes while JaVale McGee and Michael Beasley have a “Who can be quirkier†contest in the tunnel.
The Latest DJ Hero Mashup: Melo Yellow Vs. Kiss From a Rose (Nuggets at Bulls, 8:00PM EST)
It’s the return of J.R. Smith! I really shouldn’t have to give you another reason to watch this game. For the first time after seven games of bliss and MVP talk for their star, Smith will return to jack up ill-advised shots whilst throwing gang signs at George Karl and texting Eddy Curry to see if he wants to go to a movie. But more importantly in this game, you’ll get to see two small forwards who are playing out of their collective minds go at it. So far this season, Carmelo Anthony has re-written the Better Basketball DVDs with his amazing arrays of ways to score (imagine him in Rock’N’Jock!). Luol Deng on the other hand has proven that he’s completely healthy and ready to live up to his insane contract. Oh by the way, he’s grabbed 60 rebounds and turned the ball over only six times in six games. Normally, you’d laugh at me and tell me I’m crazy for saying that about Luol but this is no joke.
/poor excuse to post this picture
When playing Oregon Trail, I actually got Dysentery (Blazers at Grizzlies, 8:00PM EST)
I never really figured out what Dysentery is. It’s one of those weird diseases like hypoglycemia or lactose intolerance that sounds completely made up. I’ve also never really figured out what the Grizzlies are doing with their team. The Allen Iverson experiment blew up after three games and the Zach Randolph explosion is advancing at a greater speed than that 1200-mile-in-diameter fire planet that Dallas Corbin and the hooker from He Got Game had to make out to stop in a temple in order to stop from destroying the Earth in The Fifth Element. I actually have no idea where I’m going with this but I watched that scene from that movie the other day and was utterly confused by the entire thing. Oh hey, look! It’s Marc Gasol versus Greg Oden. This is actually a really great match-up – two of the better rebounding centers in the league trying to battle it out for board supremacy. Throw in Brandon Roy tossing daggers while Rudy Gay tries to harness his inner brilliance into something worthy of superstardom and wins. This may actually be the game of the night and that’s saying something with these final two games coming up.
Hey T-Mac and Josh Howard, take your time coming back. We’re actually better than expected (Rockets at Mavericks, 8:30PM EST)
I’ve started the Houston Rockets for Most Improved Player campaign and I’d like you to join me. I’m not picking Aaron Brooks, Trevor Ariza or Chuck Hayes to be the MIP. I want the entire team to win the award. It’s really the only way this award will make sense this season. And none of these players should take away votes from the other. On the flip side, if you’re only tuning into one quarter every night, make sure it’s the fourth quarter of the Mavericks games. My god, it’s down-right arousing what they seem to do with the final 12 minutes of a basketball game. You’ve got Dirk screaming after every made basket or successful three steps up the floor. JJ Barea is running under player’s legs like a kid at an And 1 Mixtape Tour. Shawn Marion is dialing back the clock to five years ago and talking people into thinking this Mavs team can be a contender. Overall, this will just be two good teams winning basketball with completely different styles of jacking up threes.
Because I know something you don’t know. I am not left-handed. (Thunder at Kings, 10:00PM EST)
The first time we had this contest this season, it was in OKC and the Kings were heavy with Kevin Martin free throws. Now, they’ve switched hands with their sword (due to his depressing injury) and are slaying teams (Jazz and Warriors). And it isn’t just the inspiring play of Tyreke Evans who is literally having his way with opposing backcourts and not even bothering to leave money on the dresser when he leaves. It’s Beno Freaking Udrih playing like he should have gotten more than the mid-level exception. It’s Jason Thompson playing like he’ll be an All-Star much sooner than your favorite young power forward will be and Omri Casspi become everybody’s favorite rookie off the bench (No, it’s NOT you, Chase Budinger). And all they have to do now is get revenge against a young team with foolish playoff hopes (more on that later this week – tease!). The fans voted incorrectly when they asked for the Bulls-Nuggets to be on NBATV. This is the game of the night and worth staying up for, East and Central coasts.
I was going through my Caboodle this weekend and found a notepad that had this game preview written on it. The year was 1998, and for whatever reason, the games that I was writing about back then perfectly matched tonight’s schedule. Weird.
ATLANTA @ CHARLOTTE- TONIGHT
Breath-taking Hornets rookie Ricky Davis welcomes his idol, Tyrone Corbin, for the first time in what is sure to be a storied career. Have you seen this guy yet? Ricky Davis is going to be a huge star. The brand of unselfish, team-oriented basketball that he plays is simply stunning. I also really like his super-thin terry cloth headband.
DETROIT @ ORLANDO – TONIGHT
This game is the future of the NBA. Grant Hill and Anfernee “Penny” Hardaway are going to be megastars, like almost on the level of Ricky Davis. We’re lucky to have such stars on our hands for the entirety of the foreseeable future.
DENVER @ MIAMI – TONIGHT
I’m not too sure if this Mike D’Antoni character is going to be any good as a professional basketball coach. His team is all offense and no defense. I can’t see this system ever winning even half of its games. The odds of this ‘run and gun’ system having success are about as likely as rap superstar DMX being convicted of abusing dogs. That guy loves dogs so much, there’s no way he’d ever treat them poorly.
MILWAUKEE @ MINNESOTA – TONIGHT
With Stephon Marbury and Kevin Garnett at the core, the Timberwolves are sure to be championship contenders for years to come. And it’s mostly because of Marbury. His level-headedness and ability to be a pure point guard help to temper Garnett’s psychotic behavior. I mean, yelling at other players and headbutting things? C’mon man, you’re a grown-up. That stuff should stop in high school.
TORONTO @ NEW ORLEANS – TONIGHT
Pretty sleazeball move to send family man Doug Christie to The Big Easy when they don’t even have a basketball team. Real funny, David Stern.
MEMPHIS @ LAKERS – TONIGHT
The NBA is being pretty blatant about the Grizzlies leaving Vancouver by putting Memphis on the schedule. I don’t get it. It’s an obvious mistake, so just fix it. Anyways, the Lakers have great chemistry right now. This team is going to be a force to be reckoned with for decades. On the Grizzlies’ side of things, that Mike Bibby sure is likable.
SAN ANTONIO @ PORTLAND – TONIGHT
It’s too bad that David Robinson is going to retire without ever winning a championship, but at least another thwarted vet (Karl Malone) will get his. I mean, there’s no way the Jazz don’t finally get their title now that Michael Jordan has retired for good.
NEW JERSEY @ PHILADELPHIA – TONIGHT
Keith Van Horn vs. Allen Iverson. This is basically the most Blowtorchy matchup in the NBA this year. I’m pumped that we get to see these two titans duke it out for the next ten years.
WASHINGTON @ INDIANA – TONIGHT
The Pacers have SO MANY white guys on their team. It’s almost impossible to have that many white guys. Maybe Larry Bird has something to do with it. I don’t know. Oh, Juwan Howard, just because you have an enormous contract doesn’t mean you get to shoot all the time. Chill out, Juwan Howard.
PHOENIX @ BOSTON – TONIGHT
Paul Pierce dropped so far, and so fast in this past summer’s draft. There must be something to that. I guarantee he will not be a Celtic this time next year. I mean, they already have their franchise player in Antoine Walker. Pierce is redundant.
CLEVELAND @ NEW YORK – TONIGHT
Zydrunas Ilguaskas is already hurt. It’s too bad that a guy with this much talent is going to have his career cut short by injuries. On the other side of things, New York has to be happy with how well Allan Houston is playing. They need to lock him in to an extension pretty soon. Give him as much money as you can. You won’t be sorry.
OKLAHOMA CITY @ HOUSTON – TONIGHT
Charles Barkley must be stoked with the addition of Scottie Pippen. That championship experience almost guarantees Barkley a ring in the next two years. Of course, I don’t know why they’d be in Oklahoma City, no one even plays basketball there. It’s a football town.
CLIPPERS @ GOLDEN STATE – TONIGHT
What a dysfunctional bunch of effortless bums.
I fully expected the Suns to bounce back a bit this year, but I never expected them to start the season with such resolve. I fully expected Nash to look more comfortable without Shaq, but I never expected him to win games by himself. I fully expected Channing Frye to have a career year in PHX, but I never thought he’d be nailing threes like his name was Raef Lafrentz’s more talented twin. But the early season gravy train is coming to an unfortunate halt. Both teams are coming off of a back-to-back, but those situations typically favor the superior team. The Suns’ excellent conditioning and fast-breaking style could help to counteract that, but I’m assuming Orlando will be out for blood after they somehow lost to Will and the Bynums last night. Dwight Howard is as equipped as any center in the league to run the floor with the Suns, and yet he’s strong enough and powerful enough to completely smear their interior defense. Sorry, Suns, this one won’t come up roses.
LOCAL SUPERSTAR HURTS BACK BY CARRYING TEAMMATES ON BACK WHILE JUMPING INTO A KIDDIE-POOL DEEP ROSTER (MIAMI, FL)
Miami at Washington 7:00 EST
The Miami Heat are about as bare bones as teams get, and they’re about to go on a collision course with one of the deeper teams in the Eastern Conference. Randy Foye and Mike Miller have been huge for the Wiz thus far, but of course not as huge as the addition-by-health of Gil and Haywood. Plus, I’m not sure what basketball-playing demon decided to possess Andray Blatche, but it’s been a trip. Seriously. The bone-headed, turnovering, near vomit-inducing ways of Andray the former have been visible only in flashes this season, and dare I say he might be turning over a new leaf.
Wade will do his best to pull off a white ninja vs. 8 black ninja deathmatch, but the rest of the Heat could end up just being Chris Farley in Beverly Hills Ninja. Yes, I went there.
No, I’m Simply Saying that Life, Uhh… Finds a Way.
Detroit at Toronto 7:00 EST
Those Raptors…they’re figuring some things out. There’s so much reason for optimism with the way Toronto bested Cleveland (and hung with Orlando, and…well let’s not talk about that Memphis game), and Chris Bosh and Andrea Bargnani have been nothing short of spectacular. Hedo may be finding life as a real small forward even more difficult than he remembered, but the Raps have enough offensive talent to make him flashback to the good ol’ days as well.
This is an ideal opportunity to get back on track after two sudden losses, as the Pistons are a pretty bad team. Unless Detroit manages to pull the guard 20-point hat trick again, the Raptors should be able to put some decent runs together and still make it home for supper.
AsYou May Have Heard, It’s the Magic Number
Indiana at New York (7:30 EST)
The Knicks and the Pacers have a lot in common. For one, they’re both even worse than I thought they’d be this season. For two, the are both among the worst defensive teams in the league, and quite possibly among the worst defensive teams I’ve ever seen. And for three, THEY LOVE SHOOTING THEM THREES. No shame in that. When your team isn’t that good, you essentially have a few options:
Don’t even try.
Tonya Harding.
Seek counsel/intervention from your deity of choice.
Shoot lots of threes.
I can’t blame these two squads for opting for threes, since everyone loves jacking up lots of shots that count for a sexy extra point. It’s basketball’s answer to going to the two-point conversion, if only this metaphor made any sense and those two things had anything in common aside from counting a bit more than other plays. SO IN SUMMARY, these two teams will play tonight, Danny Granger will be open approximately 79.33 (repeating, of course) percent of the time, T.J. Ford and Jared Jeffries will alternate bad shots, and Gallinari will again put up absolutely stupid high numbers. What a treat!
Oh, Bother
Denver at New Jersey (7:30 EST)
I can virtually guarantee that this game will go exactly how you think it will. The Nets will be operating at, at best, 70% Devin Harris power, which may be enough to prevent the Nuggets from winning by 40. Denver has been one of the hottest teams in the league (O, hai Melo.), and I don’t see the Denver freight train coming to a stop to accommodate the cute little NJN bunnies crossing the tracks. It just isn’t happening, folks. CDR, Courtney Lee, Terrence Williams, and Brook Lopez are such gosh darn fun, but being a welcome diversion isn’t the same as being competitive. I may watch, in part to watch the young Nets at work and in part because no one can look away from a car crash.
We Have a…History.
Boston at Minnesota (8:00 EST)
KG’s career in Minny is all but forgotten at this point, a regrettable prelude that introduced our villain. Maybe he was barking then (he was certainly crazy), but if a man barks on a court at another player with no camera to see it, does he make a sound? Hell, no.
If there was every any magic to Garnett’s return to Boston, it’s been devoured whole by the time monster. He eats up memories and destroys childhoods, or in this case, casts an infamous shadow over the state of Minnesota when their one, single basketball asset was liquefied into essentially one inferior asset. That’s a rough break.
Oh, I heard there will also be a basketball contest between two teams in Minnesota on the night of November fourth, in the year of our Jonny Flynn, two-thousand and nine. Celtics by 34, suckas, and Marquis Daniels goes bonkers.
A Game Recap, Courtesy of Your Dentist
LA Lakers at Houston (8:30 EST)
Hey, you’re really big into basketball right? –Whoa, no talking while I’m working in here, wouldn’t want to knick your…well that’s just a little blood, no problem. We’ll clean that right up for ya. Annnnywhoooo, did you see that Lakers game last night? THAT’S KOBE, BABY! THE BEST THERE IS! –Hey now, I told you not to talk, you’re starting to be a really difficult patien — and how who’s that Artest fella? Is he the same guy that did the whole slaughter in the stands thing about a decade back? I mean, I’m a principled man, and I won’t abide having thugs or somesuch on the court for the good ol’ purple and gold. Putting on that uniform is just an honor, y’know? I know Artest went to jail after the whole dog fighting thing, and it’s good to know he’s done his time, but I’m gonna have to keep an eye on him. You know, Phil Jackson’s second cousin…well, once removed, really, is a patient of mine. That means I’ve got eyes and ears on the inside, so if you ever want an autograph or a photo op with Luke — we’re on a first name basis, y’know, me and Luke — or something, you just let me know, okay? But seriously, my Lakers just really went at it last night, and Tracy McGrady, and that tall Asian man…and…y’know, all of those guys, they just couldn’t hang. No one can, right? –I SAID NO TALKING, DAMMIT! I WILL RIP OUR YOUR TONGUE AND FEED IT TO YOU!
And Spaceships, They Won’t Understand…
Dallas at New Orleans (9:30 EST)
Last night, Dirk said, “Oh, Rob, I feel so down, when my jumper is off. And I feel left out.”
So I (almost) walked out. “Oh, Dirky, I don’t care no more. I know this for sure, I’m-changing-the-channel-if-this-doesn’t-get-better-in-like-30-seconds-because-there-are-a-gagillion-good-games-on-League-Pass-tonight-and I’m walkin’ out that door.”
“Well, I’d been tuning in just about two hours, now, and Dirky, I feel so down. And I know why. No, not Darius Miles.
But, people they don’t understand…No, Okur’s girlfriend, she can’t understand…Jerry Sloan’s grandsons, they don’t understand
On top of this, I ain’t ever gonna understand…HOW DIRK WENT ABSOLUTELY NOVA AND OBLITERATED THE TEAM FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE JAZZ IN A FIERY BALL OF FREE THROWS AND GLORY. YEEEEEE-HAWW!
The Game That Time Forgot
Atlanta at Sacramento (10:00 EST)
Amidst everything else going on tonight, I’d pencil in ATL-SAC as the game to forget. I count myself among Kevin Martin’s biggest fans, but these Kings just don’t do it for me. I think it’s the principle of even attempting to start Desmond Mason, or the audacity to bring Spencer Hawes off the bench in favor of Sean May. I understand the logic, and I appreciate the ingenuity of putting your best big man on the bench, but it’s just a bad move. Hawes needs burn, he needs experience with Martin and to develop chemistry with Evans, and sitting him on your bench to start games isn’t the way to do it or build his confidence. It’s downright silly, really.
Meanwhile, Atlanta (Jeff Teague aside) is so completely pedestrian that they actually bore me a bit. I love Joe Johnson, Josh Smith, and Al Horford, in principle. I love what they can bring to a game, and I even appreciate them sometimes when they bring little. But they really can’t hold my interest the way that almost every other team in the league can. I’ve been tuning in to watch the Clippers and the Bucks, so why can’t I get behind what has to be the best Hawks team in a long while? I’m on the clock, internet. I’ll tell you about my mother, just tell me what’s wrong with me.
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Memphis at Golden State (10:30 EST)
anthony randolph
walking    crawling    walking    crawling
no      run           for             tony                 until                      he               finishes                his              chores
iverfather-iverson ~ more mayo on the rudy bread as you hand~off to randolph
David Stern Tells Me He Can Get Me Out of This Mess But He’s Pretty Sure You’re Eff’ed
(Nets at Bobcats, 7:00PM EST)
Video Rated M for Mature (Curse word)
Two franchises that are down at the doldrums of the NBA. Two franchises that are still trying to build something that has eluded them for a few years now. Two franchises that possess nice young pieces. But these are two franchises headed in completely opposite directions. The Bobcats owner is profusely bleeding money from this organization with only Michael Jordan to keep him safe. The Nets are being sold to a Russian billionaire that will Voltron up with Jay-Z to offer an enticing package to LeBron James and probably one more big named free agent. So why watch this game? Because watching too recklessly composed players attacking a defense all night with nice young weapons all around can be a beautiful thing. Gerald Wallace will throw his body into the mix against Brook Lopez and Yi Jianlin time after time. Devin Harris will cut through the Bobcats efforts to stop him with incredible precision. And don’t forget you’ll get to see Brook Lopez do his thing with Tyson Chandler trying to stop that thing from doing. This game appears to be a dud from the end of the year standings but there’s plenty of entertainment to be found here.
Please, Bryon. Just Let Chris Paul Run. Give Us This One Time!
(Hornets at Knicks, 7:30PM EST) Byron Scott, I don’t ask much of you. I understand the reasons to keep Ike Diogu out while trusting the likes of Sean Marks and Hilton Armstrong to give you a definite level of suckitude inside off the bench. Well actually, that makes no sense at all. I don’t care if the kid is injured or not ready for the system; there’s no reason to have him in a three-piece while these bumbling interior failures try to be tall while coming up short. And I understand why you wouldn’t necessarily want Julian Wright to just be an athlete, run like Gerald Wallace, and see how high on the backboard he gets before he throws a CP-tossed oop down into the hoop. Actually, that makes no sense either. Why do you have a ridiculous athlete with a sub-par basketball IQ out there trying to think his way through a game?
Screw it; I’ll just get to the point! Chris Paul should be allowed to run tonight. The Hornets should be allowed to run tonight. This slow-paced, walk it up the court and keep your fans fantasizing about what the best point guard in the league would put up with a quicker style and a lot more chances at fun style of ball isn’t conducive to what we need. We need Chris Paul to Run Lola Run. We need to see him face a D’Antoni team, buy into the breakneck speed of the game, and put up 25 assists. In fact, if you give us this one morsel of basketball goodness and let the Hornets run up and down the floor with the Knicks for an entire 48-minutes, I’ll gleefully write you up for Coach of the Year all season long if giving into the Knicks style doesn’t produce a record 31 assists from Chris Paul. We don’t ask much. Just give in this once! Pretty please?
Remember When We Were Contenders? That Was WEIRD
(Rockets at Jazz, 9:00PM EST) It’s weird to think that just a couple of years ago, it was completely conceivable to think these two teams could meet in the Western Conference Finals. Whether it was probable or not is a whole other argument for another day. But the fact remains this could have easily been the WCF showdown. And now? The Rockets star players are dropping like characters in Identity and the Jazz are playing with house money because they’ll be just good enough to make the playoffs and have no pressure of winning a single game with the Knicks’ pick in the draft headed their way. But that doesn’t mean they won’t put up a great fight against one another. The Rockets are sporting some serious scrappiness so far in this young season and somehow has turned Trevor Ariza into a modern-day Glen Rice. They move the ball well, they make the extra pass, and they defend like Coach Carter runs them. The Jazz on the other hand is toiling in a “just good enough†state of play. They’re pretty much locked into a frontcourt of Okur, Millsap, and Boozer but only because a prettier big man won’t come and dance with them. They’re wasting away the brilliance of Deron Williams by making him play with decent but not great shooters and good but not exceptional athletes. It’s really exactly where these fan bases want their teams to be as long as they give up on post-season success (which they haven’t).
No Clever Title Attempt Needed. Watch This Game!
(Grizzlies at Kings, 10:00PM EST) Allen Iverson is making his debut. How do I know that? Twitter told me so. Tyreke Evans is now fully equipped with adamantium and has recovered from a sprained ankle in the amount of time it takes Vince Carter to take care of one of those pesky hangnails. O.J. Mayo is coming off of a 40-point game. Hasheem Thabeet had four blocks and six rebounds in the blink of an eye against Denver. Jason Thompson and Spencer Hawes need to be tested against a duo like Marc Gasol and Z-Bo. And don’t forget the historical showdown of an Iranian player (Hamed Haddadi) going against an Israeli player (Omri Casspi). And I’ll be in the building for this home opener at the ‘ole Gas Pump. This is THE game you should watch tonight. Period.
This Looked A Lot Better Before The Injuries
(T’Wolves at Clippers, 10:30PM EST) Wouldn’t this game be so much more interesting if Blake Griffin and Kevin Love were going against each other like Superman and Bizarro Superman? Instead, we’ll have to settle for Al Jefferson going against a red hot Chris Kaman. There’s Eric Gordon trying to be quicker than Jonny Flynn and vice-versa. There’s Corey Brewer and Al Thornton battling to see who can be more of a one-dimensional niche player. And most important of all, you get to see a really solid point guard battle between Ramon Sessions (hard work, playing the game right) against Baron Davis (taking previous success for granted, metaphorically free-balling it on the court). For two teams, which are so similar in failed success, they sure do have a lot of opposite players going against each other. If only we could have seen Love and Griffin thrown into the mix…
Larry Brown Returns to Rooster Town
Charlotte @ New York – 7:00
People in New York hate Larry Brown, mainly because he was part of the Isiah Error Era. So it’s always good times for the family when he shows up to MSG. More importantly, Coach Pringles Face is talking about starting Danilo Gallinari. Some Knicks fans love The Rooster and think he’s the next Dirk. Some hate him and think he’s the next douchebag they will mercilessly boo out of town. Either way, the Knicks suck. As do the Bobcats. But we’re dealing with Seven Seconds or Mess here so possessions will be on a hundred thousand trillion, which will make watching the horrible Bobcat offense repeatedly go against the horrible Knick defense on one end while also watching the the ‘Bockers launch three after three after three after three against a fairly decent Cats D … er … entertaining? Yeah. Entertaining. We’ll go with that.
UPDATE:I was just made aware that I’m a big idiot because this game will occur in Charlotte. (Thanks, @BandwagonKnick) I think I saw “TV: MSG” and presumed that was the building not the network. Jagoff of the Day Award goes to me. I’d like to thank my family, my agent and Jesus for giving me the strength to be so misinformed.
David Stern: “Fine. The Bucks Can Play, Too.”
Milwaukee @ Philadelphia – 7:00
The Bucks are the only team that has not been mathematically eliminated from going both 82-0 or 0-82. In layman’s terms, that means they haven’t played yet. I’m not sure why. Joe Budden was probably involved. Either that or Bogut is just now remembering to set his watch ahead to Not Outback Steakhouse Standard Time. Their opponent, the Sixers, got Hulk smashed the other night by an Orlando three-point blitzkrieg and, honestly, I’ve already written them off for the year. I don’t like Andre Igoudala outside of the dunk contest and Elton Brand is the most boring player in the league. Marreese Speights, however, absolutely went off out of nowhere the other night with 26 points on 11 shots (10/11 from the floor, 6/8 from the line) and, in the process, convinced the intertubes community that he has the chance to make an impact on the league this year other than challenging Walter Herrmann in the superfluous letters in a name per minute category. But who am I kidding, here? We all know I’m lede-burying the real reason you should watching this game: Brandon Jennings. There were some Twitter reports that he might even have dreadlocks tonight. Video cameras are still not yet allowed in the state of Wisconsin (it dates back to an ordinance involving witches) so this remains unconfirmed (i.e., I’m too lazy to fact check it). So you’re just gonna hafta tune in to find out. (That’s how you cliffhanger ‘em, Moore. Take notes.)
#HIBACHI #HIBACHI #HIBACHI #HIBACHI #HIBACHI
Washington @ Atlanta – 7:30
Remember Gilbert Arenas? According to legend, he once took the hoops world by storm, blogging his inner thoughts on everything from shark tanks to black presidents, hitting game winners like Ike hit Tina and even writing the intro to a book called FreeDarko Presents The Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac (buy it). Sure, that was a loooong time ago — back in a simpler age when Greg Oden was merely a spry octogenarian missing game-losing free throw attempts on peach baskets. But, guess what? Gilbert is back. And, oh yeah, Atlanta is pretty fun too. Al Horford destroyed the Pacers the other night (24 pts, 16 boards, 4 dimes, 2 blocks). Josh Smith dunks like he’s in a Jet Li flick. And the front office added both Jamal Crawford and Jeff Teague to a back court that already featured Joe Johnson and Mike Bibby — something that will either turn out to be an amazing or horrible idea, with little chance for middle ground. And if that’s not enough, this game will probably foreshadow the late-season battle for the fourth seed in the East.
The Flint Michigan MegaBowl
Oklahoma City @ Detroit – 8:00
Quite the role reversal for these two franchises. Just like you in high school, everyone hates the Pistons. And just like me, everyone has Thunder fever. (That’s what these kids call The Clap nowadays, right?) No one knows what Joe Dumars is doing in Detroit, spending a ton of money to assemble a roster that isn’t built to contend now or in the future. These guys have four or five seed upside and three to six playoff wins written all over them for the next half decade. Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, Sam Presti has a young nucleus that is the envy of many a fanbase. If I were to use a simple, inappropriate and barely relevant analogy to describe this situation (which I will proceed to do momentarily), the Pistons would be GM, a once proud brand struggling to remake itself in the face of a changing competitive environment, and the Thunder would be WE MAKE GIANT HOMICIDAL FUTURISTIC ROBOTS, LLC, INCORPORATED, a mom-and-pop killer robot boutique.
Guard Your Wallets, Eh
Toronto @ Memphis – 8:00
I like Allen Iverson. A lot. Always have. Always will. So I’m one of the few people looking forward to watching Memphis all year. Rudy Gay isn’t amazing, but he’s interesting. And OJ Mayo might be a stud. The Grizz looked terrible against Detroit in their opener and will probably look terrible again tonight, but I think this team will be fun to watch in the long run. Or at least fun to look at, if that makes any sense. Toronto, on the contrary, is not interesting whatsoever. I probably won’t watch five of their games this season and, yes, that’s mainly cause I think consider all Europeans to be either Nazis or Gypsies. Or Nazi Gypsies.
If This Game Doesn’t Interest You, Kill Yourself
Chicago @ Boston – 8:00
The Bulls and Celtics played the best playoff series of all time last Spring. If you don’t want to watch this game, I don’t know what to tell you. But if that’s the case, here’s what you should do: Put a shopping back around your head and then tie on Joakim Noah’s bow tie as tight as you can. Then go jump in the same Olympic-sized pool where KG rehabbed his knee all summer. Or, better yet, try to recreate the Great Chicago Fire in your apartment while watching Celtic Pride. Either way.
Lopez v. Dwight — Not VC v. NJ
Orlando @ New Jersey – 8:00
Dwight Howard vs. Brook Lopez is going to be the best center showdown in the East for at least the next three seasons, and don’t let anyone else tell you different. People love to talk about how well Kendrick Perkins guards Supes, but Dwight isn’t a great scorer to begin with so it’s not like that is particularly compelling television. And Shaq vs. Dwight is going to be much more interesting to the Around the Horn crew than it will be to me. But Brook is a maestro of the pivot. He rocks the block. Dude can score in the post is what I’m trying to say. And Dwight can jump like 35 feet in the air. So on at least four or five occasions this evening, we will get to watch Brook make a nice move to create some space and get off a mini jump hook or some other shot from the paint and then get to see Dwight try to knock it out the damn sky. That will be fun. And, oh yeah, there’s also Vince vs. NJ in the Meadowlands. Whatever. Trying to pretend that Vince is out for revenge on New Jersey is as plausible as me seeking revenge on the state of Ohio for that one time I was there and lost my cell phone. Fact is, I barely recall what that state looked like and am for the first time in ages remembering that that ever even happened — much like Vince’s time in the Garden State.
Tyreke, CP3 and Eight Other Guys
Sacramento @ New Orleans – 8:00
Hardwood Paroxysmers Matt Moore and Zach Harper are having an ongoing The Bachelor-like contest to see who can win the undying affections of Tyreke Evans. I don’t watch NCAA nor preseason NBA basketball, so I barely even know who he is. Still, those guys love Reke so he is worth a gander. I’ve heard he eats souls and is the Rookie of the Year favorite now that Blake Griffin has officially been Clipper cursed. I’ve heard New Orleans also has a serviceable point guard, however, and after the national TV embarrassment the Hornets took the other night against the Spurs, you have to imagine that even a low-firepower offense like NOLA’s will come out hungry. Who will score? I dunno. CP3 will get his and David West is a rock. Other than that, the offense looks like a mess. It will be interesting to see how Emeka fits in and whether or not my man-crush on Julian Wright is based on anything aside from me being an idiot. Please start scoring buckets like I told people you would, Julian.
Bring Down the 25-Point Baskets
Miami @ Indiana – 8:00
I’m a Pacers fan. Don’t waste your time. Indy had 25 turnovers against Atlanta the other night and Dwyane Wade and Mario Chalmers finished second and fourth in the league last year, respectively, in steals per game. Then again, the Pacers defense is a sieve so Flash might get 50. That would be fun to watch. We also have Jermaine O’Neal once again returning to play in Conseco Fieldhouse. That’s always a joyous occasion, and JO was actually 2004-like production-wise in Miami’s opener, posting 22 and 12 on just 12 shots. Sure, that was against the Knicks. But these are the Pacers. And who knows, maybe Q-Rich will get traded to Indiana at half-time like this was a Rock N’ Jock game. It’s not that out of the question, honestly. Dan Cortese could probably start in the Pacers back court.
The Cavs are 0-2. Shaq and Big Z playing at the same time is comical. LeBron cannot be thrilled. Anthony Parker is Anthony Parker. Still, it’s only 0-2 so let’s all calm down. Although, if Cleveland can’t easy dispatch the TWolves tonight then, yes, EVERYBODY PANIC. For Minny’s part, they looked feisty in the opener as they came back to beat the Nets on the strength of some Jonny Flynn cojones. I like this kid. If the Wolves have any chances of making the playoffs, which they don’t, they will need Flynn to keep this up until at least Al Jeff plays himself back into form. Plus, Kevin Love is awesome on Twitter so it’s always fun to know what he’s talking about after the game.
Beards, Guns and Steel
Los Angeles Clippers @ Utah – 9:00
I don’t care what type of advanced stats you want to use to pick apart Baron Davis’ game; the man has an amazing beard. It’s science. Eric Gordon can flat out score. He has a bowling ball-shaped head and apparently can’t grow sideburns, but he has a gorgeous jumpshot and can also get to the rack. And Chris Kaman likes guns and explosions. I like the Clippers. Utah has pretty much the same roster it has had for the past four years minus Matt Harpring and plus Eric Maynor, who I like based on no empirical facts other than his VCU team beat Duke in March Madness that one year. Let’s face it: Duke sucks.
Corey Hart Approved
Golden State @ Phoenix – 10:00
Well, all of these things except rehab seem like fun activities. I’m no tattoo person, but they seem to bring joy to plenty of people. West, on the other hand, certainly has a diverse set of related terms … some “fun” things (kfc, hot sauce, donuts, rap, twitter), and several not so fun conditions to have.
So while this clearly indicates that Beasley will have 17 and 12, and West will have seven points, four turnovers, and quite possible a V.D., the Cavs will continue to gel and dominate the paint, only allowing Wade to get his on the perimeter.
MILWAUKEE @ MINNESOTA – TONIGHT
MEMPHIS @ LAKERS – TONIGHT
NEW JERSEY @ PHILADELPHIA – TONIGHT
PHOENIX @ BOSTON – TONIGHT
CLIPPERS @ GOLDEN STATE – TONIGHT
