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The Fury And The Sound (Of An Athlete Bottoming Out)

You guys remember when Josh Howard was talked about as the MVP of the Mavericks? About how smooth his game was? About how together the Mavs were?

Do you guys remember that, all the way back in November? Less than a year ago?

Seriously, can someone calculate the speed of Josh Howard’s plummet into disaster for us? Because it worsens with every day. When I stop and think, “You know, Ron Artest is having a much better summer than Josh Howard?” and I’m not thinking about number of snake eggs crushed or trips to the asylum? That’s a bad sign, Josh.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving (Ridicule)

Rashard Lewis clocks in at number eighteen (updated, thanks to commenter Farfa-ed.) on the biggest sports contracts of all time. We’ve tried defending that contract before, but it’s just too big. It swallows you whenever you try and approach it. It’s like the House of Leaves, it’s actually bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Enjoy, Magic fans!

Apparently The Grinch Will Be Skiing Down Mike Miller’s Hips This Christmas

Offseason Ball Movements: 8.18.08

Just keeping in shape.

Activating Systems … Wade V2.0, Status …. ACTIVE: From here on out, we’re just calling him 2.0. Because this is not your younger self’s Dwayne Wade. The new model has buried the 1.0 in the backyard and taken his identity. And we don’t miss him. A few months ago, the rumblings started. Wade was done. He had peaked too early. He was overrated. He was another player to have injuries wreck his career.

Wade had two choices: adapt or die. But he was facing not only his own stubbornness, but the desperation of a GM/coach that relied on him for salvation. I lobbied hard for Pat Riley to shut him down last season when it was clear that not only was he not right physically, but that there was nothing to play for. Allowing him to come back, even briefly after the Shaq trade, was sheer wankery. He basically sacrificed Wade’s longterm health to try and sneak into the playoffs to lessen the disaster of last season. When the reports started coming in that he’d hit the weight room, I was hopeful because what Wade needed more than anything was reinforcement on the frame.

The “Fall Down Seven Times, Stand Up Eight” Wade was dynamic, and he was exhilarating to watch because of the effort and sheer abandon he employed. He was brilliant from everywhere on the floor, to be certain, but it was that idea of the guy who would come at you until there was nothing left that added the charm to his arsenal. But eventually the body gave way, as everyone had predicted. You can only shoulder so much for so long. He needed body armor. Wade needed, more than anything, to sustain the contact and follow through. He needed to be able to go through his opponent, not ricochet off. If he tried to shy away from contact? Vince Carter. If he tried to plow through? The infirmary.

We’re early into 2.0′s existence, and we don’t know how the wear and tear of the regular season will take its toll. But the muscle he’s added hasn’t cost him his speed, his quickness, or his agility. And now when he lands, there’s no struggle to find the resolve.

What’s more frightening for the Eastern Conference is that it’s not simply a physical improvement. Wade has come out and said publicly that he’s determined to prove everyone who doubted USA wrong, and who doubted him wrong. He links the two. And whether you think that’s right or wrong for his Olympic aspirations, it hasn’t hurt him on the court. He’s committed to being the best player he can be, and if that means making the extra pass, then that’s what he’ll do. But for Wade, more than any other member of Team USA, this journey to Beijing is personal. Many of them are there for the experience, or pride of their country, or, though they’ll never admit it, to expand their global iconic status. But for Wade, this is something else. It’s personal. Wade reflects the attitude of Team USA at its zenith. They have no hatred for their opponents, which is why you rarely see them piling it on at the end of blowouts. It’s why they don’t seem driven to fury. They’re not there to destroy their opponents. Their opponents honestly don’t matter: What matters is taking care of business. It’s about proving everyone wrong and reasserting themselves as the best in the world. For Wade, when he sees USA’s goals set before him, he sees himself.

With Beasley, Marion (or whatever assets come from his inevitable trade), Chalmers, and Haslem, Wade is in the best position to let 2.0 release next season. Wade 1.0 was forged with no expectations. Wade, Caron Butler, and Odom. Misfits. Wade learned how to be a warrior with no expectations. He learned how to be a champion with Shaq to anchor him. Now that he’s the leader, the anchor, it’s his time to determine his legacy.

Jesus, I’m ready for the season.

Certainly Not Overpaid, I’ll Tell You That!: Iggy got a ridiculous amount of money. I’ll keep shouting to the heavens about the value of sub-superstar shooting guards and why they’re not worth breaking the bank, but my cries will go unheeded. There’s a tendency to fear a lack of offense in a game that’s, you know, offense-centric. But let’s just go ahead and review. Luol Deng, Monta Ellis, Josh Smith– all worth less than Andre Iguodala. Cats and dogs. Living together. Mass hysteria.

The Secret To Our Salvation Is Clearly A 22 Year Old Slovenian Point Guard: Suns fans are somewhere between ecstatic and weary over the arrival of Goran Dragic. Just so you know, according to his Wikipedia page, Goran runs a successful cigar and tobacco shop with his brother. So between assistant coach Dan Majerle’s restaurant and Amare Stoudemire’s restaurant, Goran’s cigar shoppe (you know it’s got the extra “pe” at the end), and whatever the hell it is that Steve Nash does in the off-season, you just know that the Suns have the market cornered on everything except actually winning basketball games. As Steve Kerr further drives the franchise into the ground, I have to remind myself that this team still has Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire, Raja Bell and Grant Hill. I know they’ll be good. But it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it to anyone outside of Phoenix. And Slovenia.

The More Things Change, The More LeBron James Has No One To Rely On: I like Mo Williams. He has good numbers. He’s got a lot of the skills that you want in a point guard. But for a club that constantly talks about adding a marquee player, they keep making lots of moves without actually going anywhere. It’s not that Mo Williams isn’t a good addition. It’s that when you swing for Michael Redd or Baron Davis and walk away with Mo Williams, you’ve created high expectations and you end up with something relatively underwhelming. Ferry keeps swinging though, with Wally Szczerbiak and Ben Wallace and Mo Williams and Delonte West (who we actually like and they’re stonewalling). One of them has to work out, right? Right…?

Guest Post: Vegas in 10 Parts

Ben Golliver is the mind behind Draft Kevin Durant and a contributing writer for Blazers Edge. He recently initiated a movement to honor Terry Porter, and has done interviews with Daddy Gaddy and Shoals. He’s a spry lad. I said if he had anything that didn’t fit at Blazers Edge, we’d like to see it. It took me about ten seconds to beg him to let me run this. It was rather pathetic, with the groveling and weeping, but Ben handled it with style. What follows are notes and impressions from his time in Vegas for Summer League. Yes, while I was running around chasing people at Cheesecake Factory, this is what Ben was up to. Proud day for me and my family. Enjoy.


I.

Pulling off to the side of the curving road to take in the Hoover Dam is a great way to forget that today’s high temperature was 106 degrees. It’s 8:30 p.m., and still pushing 90. There’s a slight breeze coming in over the orange hills above, so that the shirt I’m wearing unsticks itself from uncomfortable skin as a digital camera snaps. The Dam, concrete upon concrete, stretches as far as the eye can see in all directions, provoking all sorts of questions from nearby tourists, none more common than, “Where’s all the water?” The canyon walls are marked white by decades of current flow but today the actual water line is at least 50 feet below the white marks. Can an entire river evaporate?


The ride from McCarren Airport to the Dam was pleasant and quick, a short 30 mile burst through the desert, pick-ups with gargantuan off-road tires kicking up dust alongside us. “I always slow down going through Boulder City,” says my travel companion and guide as we approach the Dam. “The cops here are pretty ambitious.” It appears that they are quite successful too; seconds later, I spot a shiny red SUV with BCPD tattooed on the side pulling out of a driveway, sirens blaring in hot pursuit of a minivan that must have, somehow, exceeded the posted 30 miles per hour speed limit. $4.20 for a gallon of gas is a a concern for this police department. Truth is, the Boulder City Police don’t have many concerns. The small town, with a perfect view of Lake Mead, is dotted with million-dollar residences. It wasn’t always this way.


II.

Smoking crack, apparently, is a great way to forget that today’s high temperature was 106 degrees. It’s 1 a.m., and it’s still pushing 90, and there is heavy foot traffic in all directions along Swenson and Twain. It’s a people potpourri, yes, hookers, tourists, swing-shifters, party-goers, cops, and, of course, corner boys and their customers.


The corner boys here push it all, or so I am told. “Meth for white people, crack for blacks, but everyone seems to agree on one thing,” says my travel companion, “the quality of drugs here is shit.” I nod, taking in this information slowly, my eyes peeled to 3 o’clock where two LVPD squad cars have pulled into a gas station, sirens blaring as Young Black Men drop instinctively to their knees, hands in the air, the universal code for “I’m not resisting, please don’t shoot.” Earlier today, at this same gas station, I saw a woman beating the heat by not wearing any pants. The oversized t-shirt as a dress look had been in full effect. I had laughed it off.


I look across the street to a concrete strip of check-cashing places and convenience stores, and I lock the car doors. We are waiting at a stop light, just trying to get home. At this moment, this isn’t where I want to be. It wasn’t always this way.


III.

Watching Jerryd Bayless’s cesarean-section arrival onto the NBA scene is a great way to forget that today’s high temperature was 106 degrees. It’s about 7 p.m., and it’s a cool 72 degrees. The Thomas and Mack gym is hyped up, and Jerryd Bayless cannot be stopped, not by the Suns tonight, not by anyone. The impact of his entry into the minds of the assembled basketball intelligentsia is forceful and levitates in the gym air. Ooh. Aah. The bounce to his swag is very real, his dribble is both emphatic and effortless, his body control borders on mind control. He is drawing new maps to the basket, he is absorbing contact, he is brushing his shoulder off. He is eating people’s souls with his glare. His parents sit nearby cheering him on. His coach for the summer, Monty Williams, stands with his arms folded, watching along with the rest of us. Bayless hits an impossible game-winner. The gym erupts. It feels like early June for a moment, not the middle of July.


The game ends, and I chat amicably with a member of the Trail Blazers front office as we await Jerryd’s postgame thoughts. We are interrupted briefly by an event staffer who comes by for a handshake and to say, “Your boy just wrapped up the MVP, hell of a game.” “Yeah, no shit,” seems like the proper reply. Instead, it’s just the normal pleasantries in return. I look around and Monty Williams, dressed in his red coach’s polo shirt, wipes his brow, doing his best to contain a big smile. He looks at ease. His boss, Blazers head coach Nate McMillan, makes his way down from high in the stands, looking comfortable and serene, but not overjoyed. Outright happiness, I have learned, isn’t Nate’s manner. Below the hardened exterior, I’m sure he’s ecstatic. It wasn’t always this way.


IV.

In recent years, Las Vegas Police groups have resisted efforts to track traffic stops by ethnicity and age, a measure proposed by Nevada legislators in an effort to cut down on rampant racial profiling. It seems that Las Vegas and Nevada, hidden below a cloak of mafia intrigue, still have a very real problem with race. How many remember that Las Vegas was once known as the “Little Mississippi of the West”? How many know that corrections officers at the High Desert State Prison recently stated that prisoners were being segregated on the basis of race? How many know that in October 2007, just a few hundreds of miles from Vegas, Esmerelda County school district officials approved a policy that prohibited Spanish from being spoken on school buses?


Riding shotgun at 1 a.m., I didn’t know. I had no idea. When I thought of Las Vegas, I thought of lobsters in Hawaiian shirts gambling away their childrens’ college savings. I thought of standing in line after line at club after club. I thought of conventioneers with colored name tags. I thought of idyllic poolside pictures on Facebook. Don’t forget the tropical drink in the left hand and the thumbs up with the right hand. I thought of middle class white America. I thought of escape.


Riding shotgun at 1 a.m., I thought different things. I thought, “Something isn’t quite right with that boy.”


He was, to my best guess, 17 years old, his jean shorts almost prototypically baggy, hanging almost to his ankles, his bright-white hightops visibly shiny even at this late hour. He crossed the street from our right to left, his demeanor paranoid and his eyes darting in every direction. He kept looking back at the gas station, at the cops, and, I assumed, at his friends who were still kneeling. As he neared the sidewalk he cut the corner heading west, stepping outside the marked pedestrian walkway in a manner seen on every Manhattan street corner one million times a day. He stood not 15 feet away. In a flash visible in his eye, those brief, horrifying seconds of recognition, two rollers were on him, screeching to a stop just behind us, doors flying open, guns drawn. His motion ceased, stunned, as a cop approached, grabbing him by the cuff, detaining him. My eyes must have look confused. “Jaywalking,” my travel companion explained. “It’s the perfect excuse.”

I didn’t see anything else. The light turned green and we continued through the intersection.


V.

The Hoover Dam was built during the Great Depression, the last time the American economy was this bad. This humongous public works project to redirect the Colorado River was seen as a beacon for destitute folk across the country. Thousands migrated to the desert in hopes of employment. It was arduous work and the struggles that went into creating the dam remain a part of local lore to this day. The shantytown in which many workers lived, dubbed “Ragtown,” was straight out of Thomas Hobbes, unbearably hot during summer, unbearably cold during winter, unbearable period. But you are apt to hear the story told, “The Hoover Dam was completed 2 full years ahead of schedule.” And this is true and should be remembered.


It is only partly true, though, because as bad as things might have been for whites working at the Hoover Dam site, conditions were significantly worse for blacks. Amazingly, blacks didn’t even have it the absolute worst; Mongolians were specifically excluded from being hired in the government contract with Six Companies, the contractor in charge of the Dam project. While blacks weren’t excluded so overtly, life and workplace were fully segregated in practice. Blacks were not allowed to live in the mythic Ragtown and were excluded from Boulder City entirely. With no other choice, they made a long commute from Las Vegas each day. Once on site, they were forced to drink from separate water sources on the job site and left to work in the sheering heat of the Arizona gravel pits. Given the economic conditions, there was no alternative.[1]


Viewing the Dam last week I didn’t see any of this. I took my pictures, hopped back in the car and returned to Las Vegas.


VI.

The Las Vegas Summer League, conceived in recent years as a showcase for NBA draft picks, international players and other professional basketball players trying to make an NBA roster, is both a tremendous opportunity and a graveyard for the hopes and dreams of the nearly-good-enoughs. The off-court scene is breathtaking: Hall of Famers, billionaire owners, general managers, scouts, national media personalities, and fans, black and white, mingle harmoniously.


On the court there is no harmony. There are players who have spots assured. They loaf. There are players who need their names on the back of their jerseys, otherwise no one would know who they are. They grind. There is a young man, OJ Mayo, looking to make a highlight film; there is another, Nick Young, looking at the fly honeys. There is a mountain man, Steven Hill, whose beard inspires more cheers than his play; there is a play the game the right way plodder, Josh Davis, who has every white scout over 60 years old wishing him the best. Of course, the same scouts are hesitant to encourage their management to sign Davis, lest they be laughed out of the room.


Importantly, the racial divide between the players and the fans that exists in many places, Portland included, does not exist here. Also, importantly, the racial divide that seems to exist everywhere else in this city — the ancient divide between the haves and the have-nots — is replaced by a different, more meritocratic divide — can he ball? Yes or no?


“So, how is he playing?” I hear this a lot, from new friends and strangers, curious to know the fate of an otherwise-forgotten career or an unproven up-and-comer. I soak this up as the gym empties, leaving only a few writers pecking away at keyboards. I wanted to stay all night, but at the same time, I wanted to get out of there immediately.


VII.

In 2005, The Hoover Dam Bypass project was undertaken to alleviate heavy traffic that is caused by the many switchbacks that lead to Hoover Dam. The Bypass will ensure uninterrupted traffic along Highway 93, which has been designated a NAFTA route. Expected to be completed in 2010, it will consist of a 2,000 foot long bridge that crosses the Colorado River, spanning a mountain gap between Nevada and Arizona.[2]


Looking at an unfinished bridge ,sitting high above a nearly empty dam, one formidable engineering project piled on top of another, a new route literally, intentionally, bypassing American history, I watch that history evaporate with the water. I imagine international commerce proceeding more efficiently, and I take heart knowing that, at the very least, less will be lost and sacrificed during the construction process this time around.


But I can’t help but look down and wonder where all the water went. If the Dam ends up completely empty one day, if this is even possible, will the exposed riverbed tell the old stories? Probably not. Will people look down from the bridge and wonder?


VIII.

The narcotics arrests I witnessed is now available as a data point in the Las Vegas Police Department’s Crime View[3] online service, which tracks criminals incidents city-wide. In the week since the arrest I witnessed, on the corner of Swenson and Twain alone, there were a number calls for police assistance, including a report of a stolen vehicle and an assault with a deadly weapon.


It had been just another night, just another arrest, just another data point at the corner of Swenson and Twain.


There is no glamor in this scene. Those living nearby, including my travel companion, seem resigned to this reality. In the weeks leading up to summer league, the internet was abuzz with light-hearted jokes about Javon Walker, a wealthy professional athlete, being mugged and left beaten on a Las Vegas street corner, one not too different from Swenson and Twain. Just another data point, I realize.


In a country and a city divided in so many ways, I see, from the safety of a locked car, a bypass that runs the two miles between the Thomas and Mack and Swenson and Twain. I was riding it right at that moment, with the doors locked. And, sadly, I’m really glad it’s here.


IX.

The last Sunday of Summer League is an afterthought to almost everyone. The refs have traded in the quick whistle for the let ‘em play; the coaches have traded in micromanaging for air it out. Even the players who are looking to make a roster realize that their fates have probably already been sealed.


After the final game, another last-second win, Monty Williams looks relieved. Summer League is a hectic time for a young coach. Monty had succeeded in balancing a number of interests: showing off Bayless, allowing a Finnish import some run, and integrating a young, fragile Frenchman into the big-dog American game. Monty pulled it off with a winning record, and although Summer League records are supposedly meaningless, this seemed to mean something. To him, to the franchise, to me.


His boss, Nate McMillan, is prepared to check out of the luxury hotel he was staying in as coach of the Trail Blazers so that he can check into the luxury hotel he will be staying in as an assistant coach for the United States Men’s National Basketball Team, which is in final preparations for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Coach McMillan, the only African-American coach on Team USA’s coaching staff, has recently admitted in interviews that he is tired and can’t wait until next off-season so that he will finally have time for a much-needed vacation. The obvious pressure to perform as a coach, the underlying pressure to serve as a pillar of a city, the forgotten pressure of having succeeded against a stacked deck is unimaginable to an observer. To do it with such grace, despite the fatigue, with the eyes of younger black men like Monty Williams trained upon him, is something like greatness.


X.

Upon first meeting Coach Williams some months back, he told me about overcoming a strange heart condition during his basketball playing days at Notre Dame; confronting the fact that his career might be over; how health questions dropped his draft stock, costing him millions of dollars; and about how he firmly believes that his unexpected return to complete health was an act of God. A miracle, in his words.


By chance, I was on the same Sunday night flight back to Portland as Monty Williams and the rest of the Blazers’ assistants. As I passed by his seat in first-class, I smiled broadly and offered a fist-pound, both of which Monty returned graciously. I attempted to joke, “You know I’m going to have to interview you about your thoughts on this flight.” Monty laughed a short, easy laugh, and quickly and plainly said, “I’m off the clock.”


“You earned it, Coach,” I mumbled to myself, appreciatively, as I shuffled down the aisle looking for my seat. Stretched out comfortably, with the winning Summer League record, a young roster that is the toast of the league, and home just a two-hour flight away, the last thing Monty needed from me, or anyone else, was validation.



[1] http://www.hooverdamstory.com/blacks.htm

[2] http://www.hooverdambypass.org/

[3] http://www.lvmpd.com/crimeviewcommunity/

Countdown: 72

“Your lives are fading in the shadows of time, but your legacy lives on.” – Michael Hensley

Inspired by and blatantly ripped off from EDSBS, with permission.

NBA blog of the day: The Nugg Doctor

Countdown: 73

It sometimes seems that intense desire creates not only its own opportunities, but its own talents.” -Eric Hoffer

Inspired by and blatantly ripped off from EDSBS, with permission.

NBA blog of the day: The Association

Countdown: 74

You did not desert me, my brothers in arms.” -Dire Straits

Inspired by and blatantly ripped off from EDSBS, with permission.

NBA blog of the day: Need4Sheed

How Do Say "I’m Going to Shoot the Damn Ball Every Single Time Down the Floor" in Russian?

According to Google Translate, it’s something like Я собираюсь снимать чертовски мяч каждый раз вниз слово. But I assure you that’s completely and absolutely wrong (don’t write that one down, Jannero).

But Jannero Pargo has signed a one year deal with Dynamo Moscow so he can add “Dominated the Ball over 2 (or 3) Continents” to his claims to fame. In case you can’t tell, I’m not exactly getting misty-eyed over his depargoture (I’m really sorry about that one). One and a half good playoff series do not a solid player make, just as the Knicks how Jerome James panned out. Because Pargo torched a floundering Dallas defense and had some success against San Antonio he all of a sudden thinks he’s a hot commodity and seems to have fooled plenty of others in the process, even some of our friends from Rus. Let’s not forget that this guy had a PER of 11.9 and a true shooting percentage of just 46.8%. Or for simplicity’s sake, he shot 39% on the season. M-V-P! M-V-P!
So FINE, Dynamo Moscow, if you love him so much why don’t you pretty please take him forever and not let him come back to the NBA?

SwaggerJack: The Hate List

Holly MacKenzie is a contributing writer for SLAM magazine, SLAM online, and HP. Her “SwaggerJack” column runs Fridays around these parts.

Because I love this game so much and I’m often sticking up for the players who have managed to make their own lives difficult (or, as difficult as getting paid millions of dollars to play basketball can be), I am often asked about the players I don’t like. My mother taught me not to hate, so there is no true NBA monster in my mind, but there are some players both past and present who have been able to get under my skin.

Reggie Miller is a past guy that I loved to hate. Watching him yell in the PR guy’s face before the game to get hyped up used to make me want to deck him. Of course, when he played his final game, I bawled my eyes out, because even for Reggie there was great, great respect. As a player, not a member of the broadcasting team. Still, there are some players in the league today who annoy me. Sometimes this list is validated, sometimes not.

It took me awhile to come up with my list, but I’m confident that there are others out there who will agree with me. While my mind first went to the usual suspects like Bruce Bowen or Shaquille O’Neal, neither of these guys fit the bill. With Bowen, I liked that he knows and accepts his role on the Spurs, even though I want to bash his shins with a baseball bat at least once a year. Especially so when he gets involved with Chris Paul in a skirmish.

While people expect me to hate Shaq since I am obviously Team Kobe, I can’t. The guy is too entertaining and he was a huge part of getting us three championships and with the exception of a certain someone below, anyone who was once a member of the purple and gold will always hold a place in my heart, even Kwame. That being said, the little stunt he pulled this season, being miraculously healed as soon as his plane landed in Phoenix wasn’t so cool. Also, calling out his former teammates in Miami. Chris Quinn? Really, Diesel? His bench-sitting in Miami was a slap in the face to the fans and organization and I’m not down with that.

But, who am I kidding? I’m that girl who really does love the NBA and everyone in it. Even the guys who made this list, I still root for them while watching and it’s kind of like the people in your everyday life who drive you nuts, but without them, you’d hate the silence. I’ve got love for all of these guys even if they make me want to pull my hair out and scream some (most), games. To the people who wanted to see my negative side, read on. I now present the first (and probably last), SwaggerJack Hate List.

1. Wally Szczerbiak

I like typing your crazy last name and how you were like a mentor on the Sonics earlier this season. I like how intense you can be while in the game and I also am kind of in awe of your shoulders. It sneaks up on you, that physique you’ve got. Still, I’m almost positive that you were endorsing Skechers a few years back. If it wasn’t, then that male model was your twin. Also, any man that uses more hair product than I do gets an automatic strike (see below: Kirilenko).


2. Antoine Walker

Remember when you and PP led the Celtics back from 21 down in the fourth quarter of the 2002 playoffs? I think I liked you then, and somehow I was able to look past the fact that you just don’t look like a basketball player. Or, at least one who actually hits a weight room. You seem like a fun guy, but you were definitely the one getting the better deal out of the Pierce-Walker tandem. Now he gets to play with KG and Ray Ray and he actually earned his ring. Hope you had fun watching from your courtside seat!


3. Damon Jones

Damon. Damon. Damon. How quickly they forget. I know that’s what you’re thinking. It wasn’t long ago you was draining threes and had everyone mesmerized. Well time’s up, Jonesy. With the loud outfits and even louder mouthpiece, you’ve made a mockery… Of yourself.


4. Brian Cook

Brian Cook, gets the distinction of being the only Laker to make this list. Since that 03 draft when I hoped and prayed that the good things I had read about him in “Men of March” would translate over to the NBA, he has let me down and crushed my spirit. It was a warm day in November when I heard the news that he was leaving for Orlando. Even after all of these years of disappointment, I wish nothing but the best for him with the Magic.

5. Ben Wallace

Part of me cannot believe I’m putting you up here, Wallace. A few years ago, I was fearing the fro and cheering for every monster rebound you’d find a way to haul down. I loved your work ethic. Now, it seems like the only highlights I’m getting from you are air balled free throws and fainting spells. Where oh where did Big Ben go?


6. Reggie Evans

Exhibit A. Obviously, I’m not a guy and I have no idea what this feels like, but being a woman in a bar where complete strangers use close quarters as an excuse to be entirely inappropriate, Evans needs to be on this list. He grabbed Kaman’s stuff! That’s got to be at the top of “Things that are Never Okay on a Basketball Court”.


7. Cuttino Mobley

Cuttino. Stevie Franchise. Somehow these two are forever connected in my brain, but Steve has never bothered me like Mr. Mobley. Maybe it’s the cocky look always present on Cat’s face when it’s been quite some time since he’s accomplished anything worth noting, maybe it is how he thinks he’s going to save the Clippers in close games and ends up sinking them, or it could just be because he reminds me of the days when Francis was young and had those crazy hops, bottom line is, Cuttino makes me scowl.

8. Andrei Kirilenko

This may be an unfair selection since I actually love looking at Kirilenko’s stuffed stat line each night, but his spiky hair drives more than Sloan crazy. Add in his wife who thought going on the Tyra Banks show to discuss the “free pass” she’s got for Andrei was a good idea and he needs to be here.


9. Vince Carter

I’m Canadian and have had more than enough of both your whining and your mother. That’s really about it. Thanks for deciding to bail on your fans when you decided you wanted out, it was appreciated.

10. Jason Kidd

It hurts my heart to have to put you out there like this, but I really don’t have any high-profile NBA superstar on this list. I guess you’ll do. I love your talent, adore your knowledge of the game and wish I had your court vision. I also despise the way you handled things in New Jersey and I’m not really a fan of your jumper.

Honorable Mentions

Brook Lopez

Yes, I realize this boy has yet to play a minute in an official NBA game, but after his teary-eyed performance at the draft (and his asking who the Nets coach was), he’s got some redeeming to do before he gets in my good graces. Things working in his favor: He’s young and passionate, likes writing and the arts and I hear he’s a good guy from the nba.com people.

Adam Morrison

I can’t kick a guy when he’s down, but ever since your dramatic exit to the NCAA’s you make me scrunch up my face and not in a good way. I was able to look past the ‘stache and your eccentric ways, and I love when a guy is able to put it all out there, but writhing on the floor, tears soaking your jersey was a little much. Maybe if you’d lost out on a buzzer beater or something. Anyway, get healthy, and man up!