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15 Footer – Coronation Nightcap

December 30, 2011 in by with 0 Comments

Author Illustration

MVP: Most Valuable Pacer (Cavaliers at Pacers, 7:00 PM EST)

The lone holdover from the last time Indiana started off a season 3-0 is Danny Granger, circa 2007.  Dan Gilbert’s golden boy comes to town to try and spoil the sudden Central Division leaders in the clubhouse, and Kyrie Irving is likely Cleveland’s best shot a it — five Pacers are averaging double figures and PERs of at least 16.9, with Darren Collison lurking not far behind. While Indy lacks a powerhouse PF that may plague them down the line, the current David West will have no trouble with the old David West, A.K.A. Antawn Jamison.

Where every game is the same? (Magic at Bobcats, 7:00 PM EST)

Charlotte has played two games. Each contest has featured a 96-95 score and a Boris Diaw contract-year near-triple-double. I know, right? Who cares what Charles is peddling, makes you want to go on the Krispy Kreme diet, doesn’t it? And Dwight Howard isn’t even the best player on either one of these teams this season thus far. If dunking and donuts aren’t your cup of tea, there’s breakout years well underway for a number of other players including Ryan Anderson, Gerald Henderson and DJ Augustin. Oh, and that Kemba kid is a-okay too.

If you thought the Utah Jazz were bad… (Net at Hawks, 7:30 PM EST)

…you should have seen what Atlanta did to the New Jersey Jazz the other night (the Nets’ roster features four former Jazzmen, and could soon be five should Andrei Kirilenko join this frazzled foray into mediocrity). Through two games the Hawks have been the stingiest defense in the NBA with a top five offense, so the most you can hope for from the Brooklyn-bound, presidential-hopeful-absentee-owned Nets on their fourth game in five nights are some spectacular ankle-breakers from a surly Deron Willliams on poor Jeff Teague.

The fight for the right to suck less (Pistons at Celtics, 7:30 PM EST)

You know your season has gone horribly wrong when Keyon Dooling is your fifth-best player. Nevertheless, and despite Detroit’s Dark Knight busting loose in a big way, Boston should be capable of turning around a sullied season when the Motor City comes puttering into town. There isn’t much more to say about these two seasons thus far than this…

Hired guns (Suns at Hornets, 8:00 PM EST)

A winless team with a premiere point guard goes high noon for the second time in three games with the team that just forcibly dealt one. New Orleans has been a pleasant surprise while Phoenix looks like it forgot to set the alarm clock the first day back to work after a three-day bender on Bourbon Street. Raise your hand if you had Jarrett Jack with a 30.2 higher PER than Steve Nash coming into this one. That’s what I thought. That the Suns’ only hope of salvaging a season could rest with a Redd moon rising doesn’t inspire much besides an urge to crochet and yell at kids on lawns.

Respectability runs headlong into a wall (Heat at Timberwolves, 8:00 PM EST)

Minnesota is not only watchable and fun, but better than they have been in years thanks to the Rick and Ricky show. Adelman brings legitimacy to a trainwreck Kahnwreck while Cinnapup Rubio (ask Zach Harper) brings a court vision and facilitation ability not seen in Minny since maybe ever. Try and forget that David Kahn is 3,867,452-1 at picking point guards for his roster and just enjoy this one even as the Miami Mob rolls right over ‘em on their way to 4-0.

The Southwest is stacked (Rockets at Grizzlies, 8:00 PM EST)

The first of four burns between these division dominoes likely leaves one of these two teams a mere step up the cellar stairs by evening’s end. Daryl Morey was unable to capture a super-squad while Memphis has been unable as of yet to recapture last season’s magic while attempting to reincorporate Rudy Gay into team chemistry, a prospect so far akin to trying to wheez the juice back into the Slurpee machine at the mini-mart after a Pauly Shore tutoring session. Luis Scola’s played well, but Marc Gasol’s arguably played even better. The Grizz are just too deep for Houston to keep this close for long unless KevMart busts out of his slump in a big way.

The fall of ’69 (Raptors at Mavericks, 8:30 PM EST)

• The last time a defending champion started 0-4 this was the number one single

• The average cost of a new house then was less than the average cost of new car now, $15,500

• The average cost of a new car then was less than the average cost of NBA season tickets now, $3,270

• One of the best-selling cars of all-time made it’s debut

• The last time Toronto won at Dallas was…

…late last December?!

Things for Andray Blatche to do in Milwaukee (Wizards at Bucks, 8:30 PM EST)

Need I say more?

How to look like a contender, play Utah (76ers at Jazz, 9:00 PM EST)

What in the world has gotten into Spencer Hawes? I feel safe saying he’s never come closer to a triple-double than he did against Portland a few nights ago. This will be a battle of the deepest backcourt in the NBA versus one of it’s deepest frontcourts. Philadelphia is legitimately better this year than last now showing both top ten defense and offense while the Jazz are bottom three in both ratings, and if Al Jefferson continues his Swiss cheese ways on the defensive end Spencer Hawes could be looking like a real NBA player for the first time in his career. Maybe one of the funnest matchups to keep an eye on in Utah’s home opener will be tweeners Paul Millsap and Thaddeus Young trading shots.

And speaking of ‘contenders’ (Bulls at Clippers, 10:30 PM EST)

The over/under on how many times you hear “This team could be a contender come spring” is set at 20. Per quarter. Nevertheless, it will be a blast to watch. You can bet on it. There’s already one MVP in it and two more that stand pretty good odds to challenge for the award in the future — Chris Paul already has, and Blake Griffin is the right type in the right size market, with a little more experience. If you miss this one you could be kicking yourself for a week.

The NBA – Where Games Happen: 15 Footer 11/20/09

November 20, 2009 in by with 0 Comments

I Cannot Think of Anything Clever to Write About this Game (i.e. Not Off to a Good Start)
Cleveland @ Indiana, 7pm EST

For the 11 of you not going to see New Moon tonight, feel free to enjoy this NBA game. I expect a monster game (no pun intended) from James, who is clearly frustrated with this team and his inability to overcome the Cavs’ fits of lethargy. I still think they know HOW to win games, but they don’t always do it. Meanwhile, the Pacers are a nice surprise, playing with more hustle and cohesion than in the past and Granger is, predictably, putting up major numbers. Yet, after the embarrasment in DC Wednesday, Lebron will clamp down on Granger and overcome his sore wrist to put forth a winning effort.

What? Are You Not Entertained? Oh. Yeah, Well Me Neither.
Memphis @ Philly 7pm EST

Wow, I really should have chosen more wisely when I signed up to do the 15 today. So, Memphis… Without Iverson trying to Jonestown they lose about, say, 15% of the craziness (Zach Randolph ain’t leaving!), but watching Iverson come back to Philly, sulking, coming off the bench and bitching at the Memphis brass about how he “deserves” to show his former hometown crowd how he can still hold it down — that would have been some great drama. Instead, we get Iggy vs. Gay, Brand vs. Randolph and Dalembert vs. Not Thabeet. Oh, Not Thabeet, please hurry back. Your massive aura of suck just makes writing these entries ten times easier. BTW, how’s those Ensure shakes?

What’s the Line on this Game? 258? TAKE THE OVER!
Miami @ Toronto 7pm EST

Your eyes will get tired watching this game. Delayed gratification, perhaps, as Miami will try and slow the game down early and Spoelstra may work with some quirky lineups to match the crazy heigth of the Raps. Ultimately, Bosh and Wade will end up just playing for each other (since there is still hope that scenario might be true come Summer 2010) and the rest of the guys will follow suit. I fully expect at least 1 of Jermaine O’Neal’s legs to fall off during this game – which is worth the Canadian price of admission. FUN!

Stat Geek Party!
Houston @ Atlanta 7:30EST

Crazy. German. Numbers. Disco. WOWOWOWOW! Atlanta makes me happy in pants. Crazy lineup combos, super efficient offense, lots of style. Houston: roughly ditto. The Rockets make my brain breakdance. For more insight into the Houston vibe, give a big up (that means “check out this web page”) to Rahat Huq, who is taking over the Rockets area of the TrueHoop Network. He’s already been initiated and he still can’t stand up straight. Give it a week, Rahat!

How Deep is Your Love? By Love I Mean Team.
Orlando @ Boston 8:00pm EST

Expect an Instant Classic. Having Jameer Nelson out means both sides don’t really start on even footing, but that just means SVG will have to find some interesting ways to defend Rondo. I imagine this Magic team switching like crazy (both in defensive sets and with lineups) and doing their best to confuse and tire the Celtics. Boston, though, seems to have lost a significant part of that championship fire that pushed them through the slow times a couple years ago. Perhaps that desire has undergone a quiet transition to Orlando. You could say… it’s MAGIC. Look for Boston to try and crack some skulls. Look for Orlando to shoot the lights out and inch by with a really tough win.

Kevin Durant is Totally a Tween Star. Eat Your Heart Out, New Moon!
Washington @ Oklahoma City 8:00EST

Seriously, KD is so much cuter than Rob Pattison. For serious. Plus, he’s way better at basketball. You know, cause that matters to 14 year old girls. Even with Jamison back, expect a blockbuster (hey-yo!) night from Durantula. See, there’s a new movie monster. I get dibs on action figure revenues.

‘Reke, Dirk. Dirk, ‘Reke. Engage in Competition
Sacramento @ Dallas 8:30EST
Dirk is currently the MVP. ‘Reke is currently in a tie for ROY w/ Brandon “55 in that eye” Jennings, IMO. So, they get to show off on a Friday night. Sounds saucy.

But Moooooooom, I Don’t Wanna Haveta Guard Brandon Jennings
Charlotte @ Milwaukee 8:30EST

I bet Raymond Felton and D.J. Augustin were watching the news yesterday and, when they saw the FAA glitches that shut down all US flights for a while, prayed that it would happen again today. Mammoth night ahead for Jennings as Charlotte is still trying to lobotomize SJax and get this team playing well together.

Hey, Nate, Brind Ole Nellie Some of them Tasty Microbrews, Will Ya?
Portland @ Golden State 10:30EST

Sorry for all the beer references (HP does not condone binge drinking, you little rapscallions), but Nellie is truly on crusie control right now. He is, essentiall, Don Draper - crushing everything in his path, diabolical to a fault and loves his libations! In fact, I think the Warriors should shoot a commerical where they are all Mad Men characters. That would rule. Heck, it would sure beat getting OdenSmashed.

And One to Grow On
Denver @ L.A. Clippers 10:30EST
No one likes getting spanked, even the Clippers. Well, life’s tough.

15 Footer 10.29.09

October 29, 2009 in by with 0 Comments

Hi, my name is DeJuan, but you may call me DESTRUCTIONFACE!
San Antonio @ Chicago 8:00EST

G-Chat conversation with Moore last night (Playing off his remarks that DeJuan Blair cannot possibly be as good as the other HPers imagine – as seen in our G-chat league Preview)

me: oh, btw, dejuan blair cannot be THAT good
i mean, 29 other GMs passed on him and Buford was an  idiot for taking him 52nd, right?
Moore: there’s no way to know he was this good
and hey, look, if he blows out his knee in five minutes, the point still exists
me: IF
Moore: it’s a nice pick for the spurs, but I don’t think you can say the other GMS are idiots
the injury concerns were there
I blame teams for taking obviously bad players, not for not taking injury risks
me: if that reason brings you solace, so be it
Moore: shut up
me: im serious
that wasnt meant as a dig
got the WS score?
Moore: not for you
me: good thing I have internets, you cry baby
wah wah wah, R.C. Buford just boned 29 other GMs
im taking my blog and going home

Judging by that metric (mind you, this happened during the beginning of a 2nd quarter I wasn’t even watching) and by the fact that the Spurs got nearly 100 points from guy NOT name Duncan or Jefferson, it is safe to assume that the Spurs are downright MEAST-LY this season. Sure, who knows what could happen (for all we know, Ty Thomas could slice open Manu’s juggular with a swiftly timed Nike to the neck as he flying from 14ft. out for a monster putback), but last night’s performance was dirty.

The Rose/Parker matchup will be phenomenal, but outside of that, there is little evidence that the collection of mid-level talent and still under-developed potential on the Chicago roster can do more than offer intermittent entertainment and the occasional sick slam for their fans. Wait, cheerleaders on trampolines can do that too. It’s gonna be a long year, Bulls fans.

Legitimately Cool/Interesting Matchup. Zippity!
Denver @ Portland 10:30EST

It’s a shame that the Spurs & Lakers are so dominant in the West, because a team like Denver deserves a lot more rep than it will get this year. Tangentially, Portland’s continued growing pains and poor coaching by Nate MacMillan will reamin overshadowed by the race to #3 in the playoffs.

If a greater power is watching over us, hoop heads tonight will get 15+ minutes of Bayless/Lawson whimsy. It’s early coaches, why not let these two Ferraris burn some rubber all over the court tonight? And poor Oden, having to go up against 2 tall, quick bigs for the second game in a row – the guy just has no chance. It’s far too early to call the Big Chill anything close to a bust, but it is becoming increasingly apparent that Greg may never have the explosiveness he needs to go from real promise to real dominant. Other bigs in the league are getting more agile and athletic, while Oden’s body (and now, his mind) just won’t allow him to unleash the beast we saw in high school and that one year at tOSU.

On the bright side, look for another monster night from Melo and some old school hustlin’ from Chauncey. There’s too much interior D for Denver and not enough firepower from Portland here. But, everytime I doubt Roy, Roy makes me pay. So, tonight, consider my wallet gleefully (hopefully) open for business.

15 Footer 1.8.09

January 7, 2009 in by with 1 Comment

Getting an early start on the 15 today… cause I gave up slacking for New Year’s. If you aren’t watching the BCS National Championship game like every other sports fan in America (including Moore and myself – since we have money on it. psst… don’t tell Paroxi-wife), then enjoy these two games – sacrificed by David Stern & Co.

There’s a First Time for Everything
NYK @ Dallas, 8:30est


Yeah, you just got Foreigner! Live! Don’t say HP doesn’t love you, baby!

D’Antoni’s back in Dallas and I expect ultimate calamity. Chris Duhon running circle around J-Kidd. A 45 point game from Dirk. A trade at halftime that sends David Lee, Nate Robinson and an au paire to Dallas for JubJub, Brandon Bass, a new lawnmower and a premiere Netflix subscription. Josh Howard’s head exploding in a fit of sudden vertigo at finding himself incapable of scoring on Wilson freakin’ Chandler! In truth, this game should be a force of deterrence. The Mavs will use their small roster, efficient ball movement and toughness against, well, SSOLNY (it’s like the bastard cousin of CSINY… on meth).

On a side note, good thing UT sux and didn’t make it to the NCAA Championship Game — more butts in seats at the American Airlines Arena. Cuban FTW. Cuban, always, FTW!

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS!
LAC @ San Antonio, 8:30est


This just in. Everyone on the Clippers team has accepted the Spurs offer of declaring the game a tie. What’s that you say? A Tie? Yes. In a gesture of good faith, the international leadership of the Spurs (Duncan, Parker, Ginobli) negotiated in good faith so that uber-Americans like Boom Dizzle, Camby and Ricky Davis could all kick back and watch OU/UF tonight, at home, in their giant personal movie theaters (ZOMG – Fat Free Popcorn and Diet Soda at Dizzle’s!). Who says international affairs are on rocky terms. Heck, an act like this even gives me faith that, perhaps, the Spurs are not soul sucking, fun hating, puppy killing basketball fascists.

Oh wait, that last paragraph didn’t actually happen. But, in reality, the Clippers will be taking this one off and the Spurs will roll slowly over their limp, lifeless bodies. AKA – just like every other Clippers/Spurs game. Or, surprise Clippers upset! Just go watch the BCS and wait til tomorrow, weirdos!

15 Footer 01.06.09

January 6, 2009 in by with 3 Comments

Transmitted by Moore thirty floors below sea level, from a bunker… (mad props if you catch that reference)

A Real Zero-Sum Game (Houston at Philly): Philly got hit with the bad luck blues in yet another way last weekend when that ball bounced to Parker. That could have been a turning point for them, coming from behind and beating a good team on the road. Instead, it’s another reminder of how nothing can go right this season. So if they win tonight,it’ll be tempered (most-likely) by the Rockets’ injuries and missing starters. If they lose, it’s losing to an incomplete team that’s struggling to find itself. Similarly, Houston needed that Atlanta win bad, to rally some sense of wholeness within themselves, without McGrady or Artest. If they win tonight, well, they’re just beating a Sixers team on a bad roll without Elton Brand. If they lose, well, everyone continue panicking, move along. Iggy (yes, I’m calilng you Iggy, Iggy. Mr. Iggleson. Iggy van Iggy and the Iggy-Iggy Tonites) has woken up and is back to his useful self. Andre Miller is the new Iggy, suffering through a slump. But if you want a matchup to watch tonight? How about The Hanging Thad Versus, potentially, Ron Artest? That’s just brutal. Everyone should just clear out, have them go ISO, and let God sort ‘em out. Instead we’ll have Reggie Evans missing putbacks and Luis Scola being angry about fouls. Fun times.

And You Will Know Us By Our Players Casual Fans Have Never Heard Of (Celtics at Bobcats): Bobcats win tonight. I recognize that this goes against all logic, and that most likely, Boston will trash this team beyond comprehension. But the Celtics are struggling, the Bobcats are really good at small forward which is essential to beating the C’s (I’ll come back to that in a minute), and the Cats gave them fits last year. This is a better Bobcats team that’s slowly starting to figure things out. If Adam Morrison and Sean May weren’t such wastes of space, they might even be decent. In the interim, most of the time it takes an excellent performance by a small forward to beat the C’s. Not better than Pierce, because that’s not happening, and not because of Pierce’s defense, which is usually excellent. It’s just a trend I’ve picked up on that has very shady evidence and you should probably dismiss out of hand. So call it a hunch. Meanwhile, Boris Diaw versus Garnett-Powe-Perkins is enough to make your brain explode, and Okafor’s going to give the Celtics some problems. DJ Augustin versus Rondo? This one looks better every second.

WANTED: SIX BIG MEN TO FOUL BIGGER MAN (Magic at Wizards): It’s not like there aren’t big men that shoot free throws well. There are lots of big men that shoot free throws very well. So when Dwight Howard acts like that’s all, folks, it’s kind of bullsh*t. Now, frame this with the fact that he’s averaging 28.5 and 15.0 Rebounds against the Wiz this season. If I were Washington, I’d go out and sign as many big men as I could make roster space for, and take Hack-A-Dwight to a whole new level. Teach him something special. I’m leaning towards Antawn winning the battle of power forwards, but there’s not a guard on the Wizards who can stop Jameer Nelson right now. No, that does not get less weird to type.

An Unlikely Rivalry (Grizzlies vs. Wolves): I desperately want O.J. Mayo versus Kevin Love to become some sort of perverted rivalry, where all Love wants to do is go out and play his game and get paid, and O.J. wants to destroy him. Love won’t care, and it’ll be great fireworks. This game becomes more fascinating the more I think about it and should be a better matchup than the last disappointing Grizz showing. Jefferson versus Gasol, Arthur versus Gomes, Miller versus OJAM, and lots of players in between. Oddly, the difference tonight may be Warrick, who’s been lights out. Or the bad Grizzlies could show up and this could be a nightmare for the home team.

NEW YORK CITAY?! (Knicks at Thunder): Kevin Durant doesn’t think he’s an All-Star. Stephon Marbury probably thinks he could be. Ponder that tonight.

Roadkill. (Clippers at Mavericks): Baron Davis is out. The Clippers are terrible. The Mavericks are angry and at home. Come on, this is not rocket science, folks.


The NBA’s Version Of the Hadron Collider (Bulls and Kings): If Rose and Martin simultaneously run in opposite directions on the floor, Mikki Moore’s head will explode. It’s true. It’s science.


Big Daddy Bets The Pot (Hornets vs. Lakers): The Hornets have gotten pushed around by the Lakers so far this season. Chandler’s back after his suspension, and Paul’s been on an even-high-for-him tear. Meanwhile the Lakers are just better than everyone else. So who gives first, here? Answer: David West versus Gasol. Oh, and if Andrew Bynum does anything good at all, everyone will race to pronounce this his coming out party and start talking about him being the greatest center in the league again. Fun all around.

15 Footer 12.30.08

December 29, 2008 in by with 6 Comments

Don’t Stand On The Quisy When The Hawks Are Comin’ Through (Hawks at Pacers): Is Danny Granger crazy? Probably a little. He’s certainly crazy about the Hawks. He lit them up for 34 when last they met, including shooting 72% from the field and um, well, lighting the building on fire. The Hawks are rolling, having won 5 in a row. But this is a back to back coming off an 8 game homestand, first game back on the road, last game before New Year’s, and yeah. So essentially what we have here is a recipe for disaster. With Quisy Daniels.

You’re Going To Love Them And Forget Them So You Might As Well Love Them Lots(New York at Charlotte): I feel like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters… . “This means something.” In the end scene of that film (that goes on for about a half hour), they do that awesome special effect where all the clouds boil together over one place, in that instance Devils Tower. In this instance, it’s Madison Square Garden. This is a perfect storm of oversized combo forwards with no respect towards defense, underachieving shooters, uncoordinated big men, random hustle junkies, and Wilson Chandler. Al Harrington, the DÁntoni edition meets Boris Diaw, untethered from expecations and free to roam. Gerald Wallace versus David Lee. And to top it all off, you have the former DÁntoni favorites Bell and Diaw to mix with the trade rumors linking them towards a reunion. Come inside, come inside.

The Devil Knows You’re Dead (Cleveland at Miami): LeBron vanquished Wade the other night, even though Wade had a more explosive game. So now they meet again, this time in South Beach. Since there’s little chance Riley will get off his ass and trade Marion for the composite pieces he needs to in the next 13 hours, the result should be largely the same. However, you’re not going to find much better of a matchup. The Heat are damn entertaining this year, as expected. The Cavs are efficient and deadly. The big problem for the Heat is they’re simply outgunned at point guard and power forward. They’re second biggest problem is that they don’t have LeBron James. Don’t get me wrong, Wade’s a NOVA machine in his own right, but LBJ has too much raw power for defenses right now. Also bear in mind that Delonte West and Shawn Marion will be sharing a floor tonight. You might as well announce “Paranoia” as a starter.

Look Who’s On A Winning Streak (Washington at New Orleans): There is a basketball-like substance in Washington. Repeat, a basketball-like substance in Washington. Do not attempt to subdue the basketball. The Hornets are either cruising or drifting, and there’s not much to use to decipher which. So it’s entirely possible that the Wizards could pull this thing off, especially with Mike James’ added motivation. Or, probability can show up and, well, the Wizards can lose, lose, lose badly. Unlike the Rockets, the Hornets are capable of actually finding their own asses.

Got Some Bad News For You There, Shaqy-Poo (Suns at Grizzlies): You’re losing tonight, you big, overrated, chemistry-killing, small-guard-hanging-out-to-dry, pain in the ass. I know, spoken like a true Grizzlies fan, right? Look. Nash may not play with back spasms. The Grizzlies lost a nailbiter to the Spurs, then let the Timberwolves slip away. Mayo’s playing like a bomb gone off, and the Suns are overly due for a “Holy Hell, how did they lose that game?”game. A back-to-back for the Suns, on the road, injuries, and OJ Mayo. Goodnight, Moon.

Team-That-Can’t-Win-Playoff-Games, Meet Team-That-Can’t-Win-Games (Minnesota at Dallas): Josh Howard’s pretty good, Dirk Nowitzki is better, the Mavericks will win. Al Jefferson is fun to watch, but after last night, he’s going to be exhausted.

It’s Not A Race, It’s War Of Attrition And The Spurs Are Killing Themselves (Milwaukee at San Antonio): The Bucks are almost as even as they can be in every way. The Spurs have devised a nice pattern. Fall behind for three quarters. Apply pressure in the fourth. Take lead inside two minutes. Coast to victory like you’d always expected it. The Bucks may actually be a more complete team right now than the Spurs. How insane is that? I like the Bucks in an upset, because the Spurs are due for their luck to run out and the Bucks have to catch a break at some point.

Ironmonger, Meet The Ore Mine (Boston at Portland): Both teams are flawed, both teams are discombobulated, both teams need a pick me up. Beating Sacramento does not count. The Blazers have depth, but the Celtics have experience. This is a pretty striking contrast, and honestly, anything could happen and I wouldn’t be surprised.

LA Clippers at Sacramento Kings: A game so terrible it’s not worthy of pithy headlines. Only watch on doctor’s orders.

15 FOOTER 11.21.08

November 21, 2008 in by with 1 Comment

The “If Corn had his way, they would all be like this” Edition.

Stinker of a slate tonight. Too many injuries, too many lopsided matchups, too little intrigue. Yep, it’s Friday night in the NBA. However, since most of you don’t have dates or friends – the only thing you got tonight are these games. Could be worse – you could be Ashely Simpson and Pete Wentz’s kid. Enjoy, wanna be ballers.

If You Keep Doing That You’re Gonna Go Blind
Orlando @ Indiana
7:00EST

Watching Danny Granger on offense has been know to cause fits of exacerbate elation and dramatic discombobulation. Like riding the Gyrosphere at a local outdoor fair, then trying to run up the rope course. Any way you cut it, awesome abounds. Just let Redick guard him, I beg of you.

This Won’t Be Awkward At All (Rob)
Clippers @ Philly
7:00EST

Oh, hey…w-what a surprise…I didn’t really expect to see you here. Wow. Well, you look um, you look good. Yeah. Really, I mean that. What? I’m…I’m really sorry to hear that. It’s been tough for me too, but I mean it’s just a transition. Something we’ve gotta get through. But man, did we have some good times. Some really, really bad times, but there were some good ones too. So, I mean, what’s up? How’ve you been? Yeah, I should probably go too. But it was really great seeing you. I got stuff to do, I mean, ‘Dre offered me a pre-game back massage and –…I’m sorry, that was really rude of me. I’m just gonna go. Take care of yourself.

Somebody Needs a Pick-Me-Up Right About Now (Rob)
Houston @ Washington
7:00 EST

The Rockets will win this game. I don’t even care who plays. The Wizards are floundering, and even the fact that they’ve put together a few wins doesn’t really change things. They miss Gil. They miss Antonio Daniels. They miss Brenda. They miss Larry Hughes, probably, and maybe even Stack and Courtney Alexander and Kwame and Rip. These are sad times in our nation’s capital…not really, but y’know. So after already having endured the unholy trinity of superstar injuries just a month or so into this infant season, the Rox need a bit of a pick me up. Being in DC either sets them up to take down the Wiz or to score some particular illegal substances. Frankly, I don’t care which one, but these guys need to get back on track if anyone in the West is going to give the Lakers a run for their money this season.

15 Footer… The Vince Carter Edition
Jersey @ Toronto
7:00EST
I’m gonna come out firing from three, passing to Yi, messing up my knee, zzzzzzzzzzzz
GAME OVER

No Thanks, I’ll Just Eat My Arm Instead.
CLT @ ATL
7:30 EST

They are the basketball equivalent of the Panthers, which is fitting. Win when you have no chance of winning. Epic Fail at all other times. Wounded Hawks coming in, barely squeaking bye. Bobcats will lose by 20+ with Morrison getting more than 10 FG attempts. Book it.

Homecoming… If Your Home Burnt Down and Someone Pissed on it’s Ashes.
Boston @ Minny
8:00 EST

Look, its even Minnesota puke green!

Hell hath no fury like El Tigre Monstruoso feasting on the tender entrails of Kevin Love. More ’03 Wolves jerseys than ’08 in the house tonight. Also, Kevin McHale gets his championship ring. Good time are back, baby!

When Moore’s Omnipresent, Uber-sensitive Psyche is Away, The Real Troof Comes Out. Got that, Beotches?
Memphis @ Dallas
8:30EST

The Grizz can eat pavement for all I care. They are useless. You are better off being a Thunder fan (deceased mascot or team). Alright, just kidding. 3 Shades war chants can stop now. In truth, this Grizz team is fun. Mayo is a star and they just have so many odd pieces. Runts of the litter and proud of it. Good thing is, they play the most boring team (that isn’t the Spurs) tonight. So, I might actually cheer for them. If that’s the case, Mayo breaks a bone. Hate to say I told you so, Grizz fans.

Let’s Make A Deal
Knicks @ Bucks
8:30EST

So, Milwaukee has a bunch of pieces that it hates. New York has even more pieces that it hates. Instead of nitpicking, let’s just swap teams. Really. You don’t think Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry in the land of bratwurst and cheese will pay enormouse intertubes dividends? And what about Richard Jefferson being back in the Big Apple, within sniper firing range of Lawrence Frank. I’ll take whats behind door #3… FAIL.

The Battle of Who Could Care Less.
Utah @ San Antonio
8:30EST

We’re not talking about the fans, mind you. We’ve had death threats and constant spamming from them before. Last time I talked to a Spurs fan, I ended up owning a chicken farm in Zimbabwe. Thanx Bowne4lifeomg. If you like the sweet release of death or just took some serious black tar heroin and wanna chillax, click this sucker on. And watch out for Roger Mason’s hair. It has a life of its own!

Don’t Cry For Me OKCITY!
Nola @ OKC
9:30 EST

This is the way the world ends.
This is the way the world ends.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but a “Suck on this, Clay Bennett. You hogheaded, backstabbing, buttguzzling terrorist.”
Which is appropriate, since CP3 lights up this place like he owns it… cause he does. Hornets run up the score, not cause they are that much better than the Thunder (which they are) but more to just rub it in Fat-Faced Bennett’s mug. Suck #### and die.

You’re welcome, Seattle fans.

This is a Game Between the Portland Trailblazers and the Sacramento Kings (Trey)
Portland @ Sacramento
10:00 EST

Were this the first game of the season this would be appointment viewing. You remember the Kevin Martin dunk, right? Unfortunately, Martin’s out with no timetable for his return. This leaves a team that’s playing pretty great right now against a bad team without its worst player.
However, this game will definitely be entertaining. These teams both run and jump a lot. If I’m not mistaken, the Blazers had somewhere in the vicinity of 15 dunks. Plus, you can see Greg Oden be enormous, especially compared to the Ivory Towers.

Total Recall Jamal
Chicago @ Golden State
10:30 EST

Hopefully Crawford will be on the sideline tonight, salivating at the chance to play in the only looser offensive system in the league than the one he is leaving. He might even be opening up the Coors Lights for Don Nelson halfway through the first. On the other end, he sees a team not all that much different than he left, when it was his only club. Talent, distortion, awful coach, sneakers. Yep, Back to the Future for Jamal Crawford.

I wonder if his head or shooting wrist explodes first?

It’s My Blog and I’ll Slack If I Want To
Denver @ LA Lakers
10:30 EST

Bite me.