Just keepin the head sharp.

Smokin‘ In The Boys Room, Volume 2: Seriously? This is a big deal? Really? NBA Players smoking weed? With women? Look, don’t get me wrong. They’re boneheads for doing it at the freaking Rookie Transition camp. Guys. Four days you couldn’t chill out? You thought “Hey, I’m here at an NBA camp with stringent security and league attention. I know! Let’s get stoned and fornicate… in our rooms! Surely that will end well!”? But as far as this being a serious problem, let’s get a grip. Same thing with Josh Howard. It’s the timing. When your team is headed into a playoff series after two extremely disappointing finishes the years prior and you decide to make a statement about your love for the ganj? Bad timing. When you’re at the NBA Rookie transition program surrounded by league officials, David Stern, and under stringent rules just for the select days you’re at the program and you decide to fire it up? Bad timing. But the act itself is just not a big deal. Look, I don’t partake in marijuana cigarettes (or any other form) because it’s illegal, I can’t afford fines, I work for a non-profit, and well, Paroxi-wife would stick her Paroxi-foot up my Paroxysm. But if it was legal? Sweet Jesus, the posts on HP would plummet. PLUMMET.
I’d have to start a blog called “Staring At The Ceiling And Feeling Awesome Paroxysm.”

The point is that these guys are young, made a stupid mistake well before camp started, and got busted. Stern personally kicked them out, mentioned them by name the following day, and is going to fine the living hell out of them. They’ve paid for it, and will suffer the suspensions and fines. But to question if this is indicative of a pattern after one incident is premature bordering on ridiculous. People are piling on the kids saying that people that engage in this type of behavior are clearly problem players that will never amount to anything. BallerBlogger says “Not so fast my friend.”

It’s just startling to me that in a sports world where baseball players beat up their wives in public and football stars are involved in murder cases, I don’t see the value in us freaking out over two rookies smoking pot with some girls.

It reminds me of when I got busted for skipping class in ninth grade. There were three days left in class, and three of us figured no one would notice. Then some jackass in 5th period science ratted us out and we got busted. The vice principle said my father was furious and he wasn’t even going to punish me because my dad was so mad. My father showed up and didn’t say a word except “Thank you” to the vice principle and “Get in the car.” to me. He didn’t say anything the entire way home. I was pretty sure I was going to end up in pieces all over the Arkansas countryside. We got home, he pointed to a chair in the living room and said “Sit.” He went and got a beer, sat down and just stared at me. I stared at my hands, waiting for the sweet release of death. Then I heard this weird noise.

He was giggling.

The giggle erupted into a full-on laugh. My jaw dropped as he managed to say, “You… you got busted… three days from the end of school… how… have I taught you nothing about not getting caught?” It was then that my embarrassment changed from shame towards abandoning my responsibility to the academic system to treat it with respect and consideration to regret for looking like a complete dumbass in front of my father. I asked if I was grounded.

“Grounded? No. Grounding you would be like kicking a puppy. You’re too dumb to ground.”

The point is that it wasn’t like I was a problem child. I never got in trouble, got good grades, the whole wussy nine yards. As such, one incident wasn’t enough to convince my father I was on the path to heroin and smut-peddling. And neither should one stupid party convince us that these kids are lacking in moral fiber or doomed to be problem-cases. They’re just showcasing an immaturity that’s common for young players in their situation. So let’s chill out a bit and go back to glossing over the rampant cases of domestic abuse that surface on a regular basis.

“I Had Hand!”: Ben Gordon is gonna need it. Good Lord. I don’t know what’s more absurd. The fact that Gordon is still living in a fantasy world where he deserves to get paid premier player money, or the fact that the majority of Bulls Nation is convinced he’s right. The common argument I hear is “Without him, the offense will be abysmal.” Right. Because the Bulls offense has been downright explosive for the last five years. If you’re going to reach the conclusion that last year wasn’t an anomaly and this team is fundamentally flawed, you have to look to the long-term. Unless you’re content with being within range of the 5th to 8th seed consistently. Unless you’re not pursuing a championship. I made the point over at BDL that it’s not that I think Gordon’s worthless, it’s that I think the Bulls have made a fair offer considering his market value. The Bulls get a ton of heat for their cheapskate management. And maybe it’s true. But I have the feeling that if this was Kobe Bryant, or Elton Brand (now), or even Dirk Nowitzki, he’d be getting whatever he wants. But if the player isn’t absolutely essential, in that top-tier of players, why are you going to jeopardize your long term prosperity so that you score 10 more points next season? I keep trying to understand it, and every time I look at it or ask someone outside of hardcore Bulls fans, I get the same answer. “Ben Gordon? Good player. Should get paid? Wait… how much? Oh, no, not that much. Jesus. I wouldn’t pay a multi-dimensional player that much.”

It’ll Be a Cold Day In Hell When Steve Nash Isn’t Run To Exhaustion: Yeah. Resting Steve Nash. We’ll see how that works out. Maybe if you had signed Duhon. Or Ellis. Or drafted a point. Or had a point. Oh, sorry, I forgot. Dragic is the savior. Pardon me, forgot about that.

It’s becoming more and more clear that Nash is doomed to a career of near-fulfillment. Suns fans are all over him about saying the Suns probably aren’t good enough for him to take time off, but can you blame him? He’s seen what that team has done in the last 21 months. I will take the belief that Kerr was the one behind the Shaq trade to my grave. I don’t care what Kerr, D’Antoni, Shaq, Sarver, or anyone else says. You will never convince me that a guy with an international background, who focused on redefining the game with speed and offense would say “Hey, I know, let’s trade the intensely versatile player that fits perfectly in my system for an over the hill block of ass fat that can’t score, pass, or run the floor. That should work out awesome.” Or is it more likely that the guy who’s been in the announce booth for several years and who played in the hayday of defense and big men made a monumental trade that undermined the entire philosophy of the coach he’d previously been reported to have issues with. I know it’s a dead issue. My point is that Steve Nash knew right after the Shaq trade that the team was done. It’s run was over. The Suns have failed to bring in a significant roster improvement. Meanwhile, Mr. $20 Million Rapper is getting older and unable to bring anything else significant, Amare is going to be in “I’mma get mine mode.” When Robert Horry enters the Hall of Fame, it really should say, after all the clutch threes and championships, “Single-Handedly Slaughtered A Rival Franchise With The Help of Steve Kerr.”

Hang in there. We’re only a few weeks from training camp. And you know what that means. Crazy Pills.

Just keeping in shape.

Activating Systems … Wade V2.0, Status …. ACTIVE: From here on out, we’re just calling him 2.0. Because this is not your younger self’s Dwayne Wade. The new model has buried the 1.0 in the backyard and taken his identity. And we don’t miss him. A few months ago, the rumblings started. Wade was done. He had peaked too early. He was overrated. He was another player to have injuries wreck his career.

Wade had two choices: adapt or die. But he was facing not only his own stubbornness, but the desperation of a GM/coach that relied on him for salvation. I lobbied hard for Pat Riley to shut him down last season when it was clear that not only was he not right physically, but that there was nothing to play for. Allowing him to come back, even briefly after the Shaq trade, was sheer wankery. He basically sacrificed Wade’s longterm health to try and sneak into the playoffs to lessen the disaster of last season. When the reports started coming in that he’d hit the weight room, I was hopeful because what Wade needed more than anything was reinforcement on the frame.

The “Fall Down Seven Times, Stand Up Eight” Wade was dynamic, and he was exhilarating to watch because of the effort and sheer abandon he employed. He was brilliant from everywhere on the floor, to be certain, but it was that idea of the guy who would come at you until there was nothing left that added the charm to his arsenal. But eventually the body gave way, as everyone had predicted. You can only shoulder so much for so long. He needed body armor. Wade needed, more than anything, to sustain the contact and follow through. He needed to be able to go through his opponent, not ricochet off. If he tried to shy away from contact? Vince Carter. If he tried to plow through? The infirmary.

We’re early into 2.0′s existence, and we don’t know how the wear and tear of the regular season will take its toll. But the muscle he’s added hasn’t cost him his speed, his quickness, or his agility. And now when he lands, there’s no struggle to find the resolve.

What’s more frightening for the Eastern Conference is that it’s not simply a physical improvement. Wade has come out and said publicly that he’s determined to prove everyone who doubted USA wrong, and who doubted him wrong. He links the two. And whether you think that’s right or wrong for his Olympic aspirations, it hasn’t hurt him on the court. He’s committed to being the best player he can be, and if that means making the extra pass, then that’s what he’ll do. But for Wade, more than any other member of Team USA, this journey to Beijing is personal. Many of them are there for the experience, or pride of their country, or, though they’ll never admit it, to expand their global iconic status. But for Wade, this is something else. It’s personal. Wade reflects the attitude of Team USA at its zenith. They have no hatred for their opponents, which is why you rarely see them piling it on at the end of blowouts. It’s why they don’t seem driven to fury. They’re not there to destroy their opponents. Their opponents honestly don’t matter: What matters is taking care of business. It’s about proving everyone wrong and reasserting themselves as the best in the world. For Wade, when he sees USA’s goals set before him, he sees himself.

With Beasley, Marion (or whatever assets come from his inevitable trade), Chalmers, and Haslem, Wade is in the best position to let 2.0 release next season. Wade 1.0 was forged with no expectations. Wade, Caron Butler, and Odom. Misfits. Wade learned how to be a warrior with no expectations. He learned how to be a champion with Shaq to anchor him. Now that he’s the leader, the anchor, it’s his time to determine his legacy.

Jesus, I’m ready for the season.

Certainly Not Overpaid, I’ll Tell You That!: Iggy got a ridiculous amount of money. I’ll keep shouting to the heavens about the value of sub-superstar shooting guards and why they’re not worth breaking the bank, but my cries will go unheeded. There’s a tendency to fear a lack of offense in a game that’s, you know, offense-centric. But let’s just go ahead and review. Luol Deng, Monta Ellis, Josh Smith– all worth less than Andre Iguodala. Cats and dogs. Living together. Mass hysteria.

The Secret To Our Salvation Is Clearly A 22 Year Old Slovenian Point Guard: Suns fans are somewhere between ecstatic and weary over the arrival of Goran Dragic. Just so you know, according to his Wikipedia page, Goran runs a successful cigar and tobacco shop with his brother. So between assistant coach Dan Majerle’s restaurant and Amare Stoudemire’s restaurant, Goran’s cigar shoppe (you know it’s got the extra “pe” at the end), and whatever the hell it is that Steve Nash does in the off-season, you just know that the Suns have the market cornered on everything except actually winning basketball games. As Steve Kerr further drives the franchise into the ground, I have to remind myself that this team still has Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire, Raja Bell and Grant Hill. I know they’ll be good. But it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it to anyone outside of Phoenix. And Slovenia.

The More Things Change, The More LeBron James Has No One To Rely On: I like Mo Williams. He has good numbers. He’s got a lot of the skills that you want in a point guard. But for a club that constantly talks about adding a marquee player, they keep making lots of moves without actually going anywhere. It’s not that Mo Williams isn’t a good addition. It’s that when you swing for Michael Redd or Baron Davis and walk away with Mo Williams, you’ve created high expectations and you end up with something relatively underwhelming. Ferry keeps swinging though, with Wally Szczerbiak and Ben Wallace and Mo Williams and Delonte West (who we actually like and they’re stonewalling). One of them has to work out, right? Right…?

We thought we’d bring back a little session of Ball Movements to discuss the recent rumblings.

Chris Mullin Must Have Been A-Biedrinking: Corn and I are not in cohesion on the subject of Andris Biedrins’ 6 year, $64 Million deal. Corn thinks it’s a smart move by the Dubs, locking up their guys and making sure no one else gets poached. He also believes the list of the smartest people in the universe is comprised of: “Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates, the guy who is banging Marissa Miller, and Biedrin’s agent.” He’s a poet.

I, on the other hand don’t think it’s such a hot deal. I mean, yeah, it’s great for Biedrins’ agent to be a genius, but for the Dubs? I tend to look at things in terms of strengths and weaknesses. And I don’t reward mediocrity out of compulsion. The Warriors were the worst rebounding and defensive squad in the league last year. It wasn’t close. Think about that. The Bucks and Grizzlies were better at rebounding and defense than they were. And you just gave the prominent big man on that team $10million plus? Where does that get you? I often liken it to everyday office scenarios. Think of it this way. Let’s say your biggest problem is that none of your Fedex packages or mail is arriving in time, and its costing you productivity, efficiency, and contracts. Do you then give the guy in charge of the mail room a huge raise because his contract is up? No. You bring someone in to help him. That guy can stay, but he’s not the top of the heap. I can understand if you don’t think the defensive woes were all Biedrins’ fault, Lord knows Nellie ball and their lack of a prominent banger down low can all be held as contributing factors. But I don’t think overpaying for a guy who’s not part of the solution is the answer, either. But hey, that’s just me.

Go East, Way, Way East, Young Man: I’m definitely smack dab in the middle of the road on the Childress to Europe, NBA Overseas Defection Watchlist Thing. It’s not that I think there will be some huge exodus with LeBron, Dwight Howard, and all sorts of players checking out. But I do think it’s relevant that not only is Europe a competitive option for NBA D-Leaguers and minor league players, but now for the NBA outright as well. It limits the NBA’s competitiveness, and worst, it draws good players away from where we can watch them. Not getting to watch JCN next year kills me, and now Childress? There may be no others that go for their passports, but this is still a relevant conversation and not just a blip on the radar. Childress is definitely a unique case, though, because of the fact that he’s so comfortable and engaged towards a culture shift for his life. There are a lot of guys who wouldn’t be so warm to the idea of that kind of culture shock.

Okafortress of Solitude: Speaking of guys who should go check out Europe: Emeka Okafor. The Bobcats have lowered their offer from $12 million to $10 million, and this is a team completely without a competent big man (don’t mention Ajinca. You wouldn’t if you saw him at Summer League). This guy is in a rough spot. He’s not a #1 low post option, he’s not quite a 4, not quite a 5, gets rebounds and blocks, but doesn’t score a ton of points and isn’t terrific on lockdown defense (so essentially, a poor man’s Marcus Camby). If the Bobcats want to jerk him around after not giving him any substantial help over the last couple of years, he should take a walk. I’m sure Europe’s got somebody with some dough laying around, right? Okay, admittedly, from all indications, that’s actually not true, and no one has any money left whatsoever overseas. Still, he should at least explore the possibilities. I’m not saying he’s worth $12 million, I don’t think he is. But the Bobcats either need to commit to him, or trade him. Leaving him hanging is not a cool way to do business, no matter how much you might want to close your eyes and hope he turns into Dwight Howard.

Why? Because we’re in withdrawal. That’s why.

If you’re new to the game, here’s what we do every day the NBA has games on. See also: 15 Footer.

Games begin at 3PM EST, 4 10 minute quarters, next game starts 20 minutes after the last one ends, all games available on the Magic’s website.

THE MOST MASSIVE MATCHUP OF ROOKIES EVER! MONDAY, MONDAY, MONDAY! BE THERE!!!!: Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley face off today as Chicago meets Miami in the second game today. Unfortunateley, Beasley won’t have Dwyane Wade and Shawn Marion to give him some help. He’ll have Kasib Powell and Mario Chalmers. This is Chalmers first chance to try and show the Heat that they don’t need to bargain basement deal Marion or Haslem for a point guard. On the other side, the Bulls should KILL this team. Keith Langford is still a deadly shooter and probably would have gotten called up last year had he not headed overseas for the cold, hard, cash. Tyrus Thomas is still a beast from time to time, and if he’s going to be on a mission to rehab his image after last season’s disasters, this is a good time to start. And oh, yeah, Joakim’s there too! Party on Jo! Party on Ty! Biggest reasons to watch this game? It’s the last chance this season you may have to watch Beasley play at the 4, and seeing him go up against Ty Thomas is the stuff Upside is made of.

The Oklahoma Whatchamacallits: I seriously support this being the actual name of the club. I think it would be great. They would get killer marketing dough from Hershey, and the Bill Walton clips alone would be comedy gold. Anyway, the “new” (?) team debuts today against Indiana in the opening game, so that should be fun. Things to watch for? The biggest thing is going to be Russell Westbrook against Earl Calloway. Calloway’s a D-Leaguer, and a top-flight one. He’s got good size, athleticism, and a solid shot. Westbrook could get taken down a notch today. Also Jeff Green will be around, dunking. Hurrah!

Styles Clash: It’s Orlando’s size versus New Jersey’s athleticism in the nightcap. Orlando has Gortat, who’s blogging, Courtney Lee, Justin Reed, and James Augustine, while New Jersey counters with CDR (who will hopefully come out with a vengeance and kill everyone), Will Conroy, who is one of the fastest D-League players I’ve seen, and who an assistant coach said he would immediately take if he gets a chance next year in the D-League, Brook Lopez, Sean Williams, and Julius Hodge. Hodge worked with Arenas’ shooting coach over the summer. Two coaches have told me that shooting was the only thing standing in his way of an NBA comeback.

For more preview stuff, check out Ridiculous Upside.

Oh, Jesus, it’s over. I can’t believe it. I mean, I’m happy to not have to come up with these day after day after day, but still… I mean… I miss it. Already! Why, God? Why can’t the league be year round? Why?! We bid adieu to our inaugural season here at the Ball Movements at Hardwood Paroxysm. Goodnight. And Good Luck. Except for Vince Carter. He’s still a douchebag.

REASONS TO WATCH THE FINAL GAMES OF THE 2007-2008 NBA REGULAR SEASON TONIGHT:

We Can Work This Freaking Western Conference Out, Finally, Part I: Of course, none of that matters if the Nuggets do what they are wont and prone to do, which is completely fall apart against inferior teams tonight against the Memphis Grizzlies. I’ll tell you, I like the matchups for the Grizz tonight. Anthony Carter versus the Three Headed C-Machine (Conley, Crittenton, Carlos) and Lowry? Yeah, thanks. Hakeem Warrick versus KMart? Younger and faster, baby. And they have a comparable answer to Melo in Gay. The Nuggets need a win and a Mavs loss to move up and get swept by the Hornets instead of the Lakers. Oh, the suspense! Memphis at Denver, 9:00PM EST.

We Can Work This Freaking Western Conference Out, Finally, Part II: I like how the Mavericks are in the classic, pick your poison scenario. Win, and they get to face a team they’ve proven they can beat, because they’ll have just done it. Lose, and they get the #1 seed in the West, the Lakers, who they just lost to. So it seems easy, right? Especially with the Hornets most likely in cruise mode after locking up the two seed last night. So what to do? Well, they clearly cannot choose the wine in front of them, in my opinion. I get it. The Lakers look big and bad. But two weeks ago, the Mavs were up double digits against the Lakers, in LA, in the fourth. They had a meltdown, but they’ve responded since then. LA is a better matchup for the Mavs. Gasol’s one big asset is that he’s taller than the other PFs that guard him, and faster than the 5′s that guard him. Dirk is faster and stronger than Pau. The other matchups are favorable as well, and the Mavs have the perimeter defense to limit the three point shooting. They need to lose tonight. Of course, they’re the Mavs, and can’t do anything right this time of year, so they’ll put on the afterburners and end up in a dogfight with New Orleans.

We Can Work This Freaking Western Conference Out, Finally, Part III (Via the Corndogg): Phoenix has a chance, if everything goes right, to end up with the 4 seed and homecourt advantage against those perennial first round choke artists, the Rockets. (Cue Dream Shake eyes lit up with fire) You might also find a myriad of ways in which you get the Spurs in the first round, which is now a preferable matchup. (Man, that sounds odd) Thus, be like a bunch of point shavers and keep your eyes on the scoreboard tonight. Win if you have to, lose if you have to, but remember that your own post season fate is in your hands. Kind of. Not really. But yeah, it is. Portland at Phoenix, 10PM EST.

We Can Work This Freaking Western Conference Out, Finally, Part IV (Via The Corndogg): You all know the scenarios. The Jazz have to win to keep homecourt (or hope that both Houston and Phoenix both lose along with them — NOT HAPPENING. They “can’t” win in San Antonio, so by stepping up tonight, they can exorcise that demon. These guys need homecourt, because they are unbeatable there. Of course, if you believe the “experts,” the Spurs are still a real threat and no one wants them in the first round. They say that about every defending champion, even last year’s Heat. So, don’t believe that. I’m not saying they “can’t” win a series or two, but I don’t think they will. Would be wise for Booz & Co. to bring the pain tonight. Either way, CHAOS REIGNS. The NBA – Where The Western Conference Happens. Utah at San Antonio, 9:30PM EST.

On The Bright Side, Both Cities’ Names Begin With The Letter “M” (Via the Corndogg): Actually, for someone like me, who loves conspiracy theories and lottery speculation almost as much as the actual basketball being played during the season, this game kind of rules. Lottery positioning is at stake, which means its time for Kevin McHale to screw up all over again. O.J. Mayo at #3. Priceless. Bucks are looking at a likely 7-8 on the board. Which leaves them a myriad of ways to go. Gordon, Westbrook, Batum, Jordan? Who knows. Watch the game tonight to find out where these teams suck the most and then find the most ill fitting prospect for their team. You will be surprised that your psychic prowess is just like that of Ms. Cleo. Milwaukee at 8PM EST.

Wait, I Just Said Goodbye To Richard Jefferson Yesterday (Via the Corndogg): Alrighty then, really goodbye today Rich. No, really, buh-bye. Cause you play the Celtics bench tonight. And they will crush you. Isn’t it time we gave Davis, Powe, Posey, House and Scalabrine a nickname? Suggestions? New Jersey at Boston, 7:30PM EST.

It’s Like A Date Where Both Have Booty Calls Waiting At Home: Magic and the Wiz tonight, and no one wants injuries, no one wants to tip their hand, no one wants to be on the floor. So you know what that means? JJ Redick! Nick Young! Let’s get crazy! Seriously, if you’re a fan of bench players (and we know that you are), this is the game for you. Also be prepared for lots and lots of shots of stars on the bench laughing. Washington at Orlando, 7PM EST.

The Replacements Finale: No, there will be no miraculous championship, and Kasib Powell is not Keanu Reeves. But the Miami D-League Three have had a great run, and may have landed one or two of them a bench spot on a rebuilding Heat team next year. Those guys got a lot of slack simply for having come from the D-League, but I can still name three guys in the rotation of about 10 teams that have played worse than them this season. Anyway, the Hawks get a gimme tonight against the Ricky Davis trainwreck. I would love to see Haslem, Marion, and Wade suit up and just kill these guys, just to make a point. It won’t happen, of course, but it would be cool to think about. And if the Hawks lose tonight, we’re changing out prediction to Celtics. Atlanta at Miami, 7:30PM EST.

So Long, Zeke, And Thanks For All The $40 Million Dollar Contracts: Isiah, we just want you to know. We’ll miss you. Oh, and this is probably the last time you’ll see Jermaine O’Neal, Eddy Curry, and Zack Randolph in their respective uniforms. It’s the end of an era, kiddos. If you want to actually watch this thing, Nate Robinson versus Travis Diener. Nuff said. New York at Indiana, 7:30PM EST.

The Funny Thing Is… THEIR Big Man Is STILL Hurt: Brand is back, but the Clippers aren’t in the playoffs. The Rockets still don’t have Yao, but they’re in. Crazy world. I will say this. We’re really, really shaky on the Rockets right now. We’re going to wait until the matchups are announced to bury them, but they’re up to the edge of the grave. And the Clippers have absolutely played better since Brand’s return. What’s really frightening is that Thornton and Brand have started to figure out how to use one another. The Clips won’t win tonight, but they’ve got something to build around. The Rockets need to win to get themselves in kill mode, otherwise, well… you’ve seen it before. LA Clippers at Houston, 8:30PM EST.

The Battle of Who’s Kidding Who: Charlotte at Philly. Otherwise known as the Team That Thinks It Can Make The Playoffs And Is Completely Wrong Versus The Team That Thinks It Can Win In The Playoffs And Is Completely Wrong. Step right up, folks. Philadelphia at Charlotte, 7PM EST.

What Could Have Been: Seattle could have been saved. The Warriors could have made the playoffs. Coulda/Woulda/Shoulda. If you’re a fan of sad movies, tune into this one and pour one out for Sonics nation and the Unstoppable, Baby! Movement. Seattle at Golden State, 10:30PM EST.

Only two more in the regular season! Sniff…

Reasons To Watch The Games Of The NBA Tonight…

1. “We Made It! We Finally Made It! Wait, What’s That Sound?”: That sound, Hawks fans, is the sound of doom. You’ve made the playoffs, congratulations. Really. No, no, don’t unpack your bags, you won’t be staying long. You had a nice run, now it’s off to neverneverland and getting smacked into the atmosphere by one Mr. G. But before you go, we do have a parting gift for you. One Magic squad that is going to be limiting it’s star players. Here’s a hint. If you can’t beat Keyon Dooling, Pat Garrity and Morcin Gortat? You’re in worse shape than we thought. Orlando at Atlanta, 7:00PM EST.

2. It’s Not Going To Stop Till You Wise Up: Minnesota, until you completely load the roster with shooters and scorers to surround the Harbinger, until you get some defense, until you land a knockout draft pick, a guy like Kevin Garnett (okay, bad example), stuff like tonight will keep happening. Where Detroit’s bench slaps you around because they’re faster, stronger, more athletic, more poised, and better coached than you. Don’t feel bad about it. Work to correct it. Or pull another upset like you’ve been doing sporadically all season. Best of luck, kids. Minnesota at Detroit, 7:30PM EST.

3. You Have A Choice. What Will It Be?: Okay, Sactown. You have a choice. You can gleefully go down into despair. You can tank and surrender. You can give up and let them walk all over you like you have so many times before. Or, this one night, this one time, you can get a small measure of revenge. You have a chance to knock the Lakers back into the 2 spot, denying them homecourt throughout the playoffs and forcing them into a much tougher matchup with the Mavs. You just gotta get it done tonight. You’ve shown spark all season, and you gave San Antonio a run for its money last night. You get one shot at this. Remember Game 6, boys. Remember Game 6. Sacramento at LA Lakers, 10:30PM EST.

If You Call This A “Must Win,” You Clearly Do Not Understand Playoff Seeding (Via the Corndogg): There are only a few times every sporting season when a game is classified as a “must win.” Usually, they are associated with games that, with a defeat, you are eliminated from a prolonged season. In that vein, this is not a “must win” for the Hornets. But really, wouldn’t you rather have a drunken Melo, a high J.R. Smith and George Karl in your first round rather than the suddenly clutch, ruthless Dirk-ster? Call it what you will, but if I were a Hornet, I Must Win! LA Clippers at New Orleans, 8:00PM EST.

Spread Those Little Wings And Fly, Richard Jefferson (Via the Corndogg): Perhaps we have seen the last of Richard Jefferson as a Net. For his sake, I hope so. After a top 10 scoring season and almost 72 games of health, Jefferson could be on the trading block for the Nets and could find some very amenable suitors. If he goes, good luck. I like Richardson and am happy to see him get away from Matt-man’s arch enemy, Vince Carter. Also, the ENTIRE Bobcats team is on fire sale, namely because Robert Johnson hates money. So, if the Spurs want to give up Brent Barry, Matt Bonner and draft picks, they could easily end up with Emeka Okafor and Gerald Wallace. I’m just saying. Crazier things have happened, right Mr. Kupchak? Charlotte at New Jersey, 7:30PM EST.

Only Two More Games Til The Oden Watch 2K9 Begins (Via the Corndogg): With a ton of cap room, lots of young trade bait, a future superstar still on the bench and another lottery pick, its GOT to be an awesome time to be a Blazers fan. You really achieved well beyond what was expected this year, you have the most amusing young player in the league and will surely get a lot better in the offseason. And that whole “Darius Miles Career-Ending Injury” thing means you must have been shoving four leaf clovers up your ****. And, tonight, you get to beat up the Grizzlies, a team with no real future, no owner support, no fans and a the true sting of not having had Greg Oden limp around Beale Street all year. Because Portland, we all know if is better to be the big bully in the lottery than to be garden mulch in the playoffs. Just ask Atlanta. Here come the Blazers! Memphis at Portland, 10PM EST.

Sorry, folks, things got away from us tonight and I’ve got a hot date with the HOT Paroxi-wife, so we’re doing “5 Words or Less” BMs today. Enjoy, we’ll be back for the final two days of regular season ball movements tomorrow.

Reasons To Watch The Games Of The NBA Tonight:

Miami at Toronto, 7:00PM EST: D-Leaguers might beat Dino disasters.

Cleveland at Philadelphia, 7:00PM EST: Both teams: “Stop The Bleeding!”

Indiana at Washington, 7:00PM EST: The Hooser Hail Mary

Boston at New York, 7:30 PM EST: One more beatdown for posterity.

Chicago at Milwaukee, 8:00PM EST: Crickets chirp.

Houston at Utah, 9:00PM EST: Continuing to sort the clusterf*ck.

Golden State at Phoenix, 10:00PM EST: Let’s Go Warriors.

San Antonio at Sacramento, 10:00 PM EST: Oh, No! Giant Snake Eggs!

Reasons To Watch The Games Of The NBA tonight

My Rights Versus Yours: On a long, long, long 3AM drive back to Austin from Dallas last night, I heard this song and realized it’s the perfect song for tonight. Kobe versus CP3. Hornets versus Lakers. The new empire of rags. Just trust me. Kobe thinks the MVP is his, because he can jump over imaginary cars. CP3 wants the MVP because his team is on top, for now. CP3 and the Hornets want to hold on to the #1 seed. The Lakers need to send a message after their recent mini-slump. It’s a showdown. Just in time. Now it’s your rights versus mine. New Orleans at LA Lakers, 10:30PM EST.

Quien Es Mas Importante? (Via the Corndogg): Seriously, what means more to either franchise: shoring up a playoff birth for the Hawks or tying a franchise worst 23 wins for the Knicks? They both have their own mystique. Something tells me Isiah would be beaming ear to ear just to know that he is on the level with Larry Brown’s Knicks. Which is its own joke. Look for Josh Smith to boost his Free Agent stock considerably tonight, in a blowout. Atlanta at New York, 7:30.

It’s Gotta Be Better Than That New Tyler Perry Joint (Via the Corndogg): Yeah, I said it, watching the Grizz/Heat game for free is better than paying for entertainment produced by Tyler Perry. Something tells me that such a comment is not a stretch. Plus, you get to see Matt’s D-League All-Stars. And that will make him happy. Plus, Darko. Memphis at Miami, 7:30PM EST.

The Big Shaqtus Comes To Town (Via the Corndogg): Although you are my new friend on Facebook, Grunge Dave, your boys are going to be sucking Diesel fumes tonight. Told you that 6th seed was gonna be looking good. T-Mac vs. Kobe in the first round. Something’s Gotta Give. Amare (and his bruised sternum) will dominate tonight. (P.S. Check out Dave’s excellent interview over at Bright Side. A great read). Phoenix at Houston, 8:30PM EST.

Layups:

Washington at Detroit, 8PM EST: You’d think that if the Wiz can beat the Celtics at full strength, they can beat the Pistons’ bench, right? That’s what so great about the Wiz and the Pistons. They could show up, they could not. It’s really whatever they feel like. If they both decide to take the night off, it’s going to be like a shortbus circus.

New Jersey at Toronto, 7PM EST: Bosh destroy puny Half-Man, Half-Season! Rargh! Build false confidence for playoffs! Rargh!

Indiana at Philadelphia, 7PM EST: It’s a lot like the end of Last Crusade. But only, instead of escaping, Indy falls down the pit into nothingness forever. The end. Oh, and the Pit is named Louis Williams of all indignities.

Minnesota at Orlando, 7PM EST: If you turn the TV on and you think you’re watching Godzilla versus MechaGodzilla, you’re not. It’s just the Harbinger versus Big Beastly Jesus. Only instead of small Tokyo people screaming, it’s Keyon Dooling.

Cleveland at Chicago, 7PM EST: Again! Man, I could never get tired of this matchup! It’s so aweso….zzzz…what? LeBron score 100? With back pain? While knitting a scarf? Wow! I’m not even mad, blah, blah, you know the Anchorman quote. Look, here’s something more entertaining than this game:

There. Isn’t that better?

Milwaukee at Boston, 7:30PM: You know, they could just show Dr. Giggles instead of this. Would be less painful that way. But hey, CNuv is in the house, wreckin’ your stat lines! Also, watch Rondo annihilate the Milwaukee back court.

Seattle at San Antonio, 8:30PM EST: Kurt Thomas faces off against his former teammates!… No, not those guys. … No, not them either. … No, that was three years ago. … Okay, look, it’s the Sonics, okay! San Antonio Spurs at Seattle Sonics. What do you mean they’re not in Seattle next yea…. damn it all!

Portland at Sacramento: “No, MY undersized dynamic shooting guard is better!” “No, my underrated wingmen are better!” “No, my LaMarcus Aldridge is bet…oh.”

Have a good weekend, all! I’ll probably liveblog Lakers-Spurs. And you know what that means! Hate Hate Hate!

Reasons To Watch The Games Of The NBA Tonight:

I Left My Heart In San Francisco. Which Is Good, Since This Game Will Likely Put It Into Cardiac Arrest (Via the Corndogg): Has there ever been a game in NBA history that has defied understatement like this one? Everything on the court hits you in the face like a ton of bricks. Are the amount of tattoos on the court tonight an understatment? How about the offensive firepower? How about the free beards? How about the regular season tiebreaker and probably playoff seed on the line? I started sweating just writing that phrase. Will this be the night that Melo anchors down on defense and stops the other guys hitting big shots? Will Monta Ellis explode for 40 points, as a preview of his impending greatness? Peter freakin’ Jackson couldn’t create an epic like this. An everything-laid-out-on-the-line game that is pushed to Prime Time because of how immense and awesome it is sure to be. So, hunker down, get some beer/wings and prepare for the real March April Madness. Uh-oh, here it comes. Oh jeez. CLEAR!

I’m Gonna Take You Out Like You’re Trapped In A Polygamist Society: Jazz are in Dallas tonight. Here’s how this shakes down. Dallas has a two game lead on both the Nuggets and Warriors. Now, one of them will be down three games, all but ending their playoff hopes. The other, though, will be within striking distance of Dallas. Dallas needs this to pull away from the pack. A win tonight makes it almost impossible for them to lose the seven seed, and pretty much locks up the playoffs for them. The Jazz have won their division, but a win tonight means they have home court advantage in the first round, which is more important for them than for any other team, given how poorly they play on the road. There’s a chance they can move up even higher in the seedings, but it’s unlikely, given the fact that two teams behind them in seeding are ahead of them in standings, and if there’s a slip above them, those teams are likely to move up. The matchups should be great tonight, with Okur and Dirk being two extremely tall frontcourt players that can hit from the outside, Millsap versus Bass, JKidd versus his protege, Deron-Run-Run-Run, and Cuban versus the officials. This is a huge game for both teams, and it should be fun to watch on television. Which, unfortunately, I won’t be able to do, because I’ll be at the game with credentials. No BlogMaverick appeal needed. So, yeah, there MIGHT be a post on this game tomorrow. Utah at Dallas, 8:30PM EST.

The Extremely Marginalized And Relatively Predetermined Battle Of Los Angeles: Lakers get the Clippers tonight, who are better with Brand on the floor, but still, you know, the Clippers. Look for Bryant to have a huge night, in preparation for tomorrow night’s knock down-drag out with the Hornets. Then again, the Blazers did take them down… Nah. Lakers roll in the nightcap, and you won’t even see ZeFreakas or Marcus Williams because apparently Dunleavy doesn’t know how to plan for the future. I wonder what his 401K looks like. LA Lakers “at” LA Clippers, 10:30PM EST.