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Tag Archive - Corn Did It

15 Footer 1.29.09: Corn Strikes Back

January 29, 2009 in by with 0 Comments

Ed. Note: All thoughts, actions and diatribes below represent the utter despair that is the Corndogg.  Apparently he’s a “Luddite and a wimp who cannot upgrade his work computer so he can actually post during the day.”  Well said, Corn.

Yo Superman, Ever Had a Sample of this Lebron-yte?
Cleveland @ Orlando, 8:00pm  TNT

Apologies for the bad pun (see Suns/Spurs entry below for reasons). I want to first give a heart fist pound to TNT for putting on two amazing games tonight that will be amazingly watchable, debatable and live-bloggable.

That being said, OMG am I excited for the Williams/Nelson matchup tonight. Two of the hottest points in the league, both on fire from the field and both the absolute linchpins in their respective team’s current success. I love Nelson because he wants to beat you up and curb stomp you. Mo just wants to look pretty… oh so pretty when draining clutch threes. Then, he would like to curb stomp you.

If Mike Brown doesn’t have the Cavs slashing to the lane on every possession and trying to knock Dwight out early, I will be shocked. If not, expect HOWARD SMASH ME LOVE DUNK BASKETBALL HOWARD SMASH to come out in full force tonight. LeBrown (intentional) goes Transformer tonight.

And yo, SVG, hook Reddick up with some burn tonight. Not my kind of burn, but, you know, actual playing time. Once in my life I would like to see JJ mismatched on Lebron as he clears out the lane. I love the kid, but I need a good laugh right now.

1 Shot, 1 Beer and a Soul Draining, Stick in the Eye, Stomach Curdling, Back Breaking 3 Pointer at the Buzzer – Before I Go.
San Antonio @ Phoenix, 10:30pm  TNT

Without getting too much into it, I had to watch (live) Duke get outcoached by Dino fracking Gaudio with 2.8 secs last night. Then, I watched Florida State coach Leonard Hamilton “coach’ his team to not guard the fastest player in college basketball so he can run unguarded down the floor with 3.2 secs left and beat them. My life is utter hell right now.

Good thing for me is, that when the Suns, who come out gunning in the first quarter and hold on to a 9 point lead at the half, get slowly and subtly beaten in the second half by the Spurs tonight and then Bruce Bowen (since it can’t be Mason again and God is really out to get me) nails a 3 in the final seconds to send another nauseating, paralyzing defeat to my sports psyche. Duncan is on fire and will continue to abuse Amare. Hack-a-Shaq will ultimately come out in the 2nd quarter as the Spurs cut a 16 point lead to 9 by the half and Parker will make at least eleventy billion uncontested, right handed layups.

Scripting Suns/Spurs games is the exact opposite of being a writer for “Lost.” You always know whats gonna happen  But, you keep hoping. Well, let me tell you something, hope is sucking right now. So are my teams. Prove me wrong, Terry Porter.

It’s Gonna Be All Good (Except Exactly the Opposite)

October 3, 2008 in by with 1 Comment

A breaking news update from the Corndogg.

As surely as the sun rises in the West, sets in the East, rotates around the Earth and is made of a combination of crushed up Cheetos and love, Jamal Tinsley will be a terrific addition for the Nuggets. Give the Police force an extended break, leave the strip clubs open 24/7 and go easy on gun permits. It’s perfectly safe in Denver. Really, it is.

But seriously, Tinsley could actually be a good addition to this team (not joking). At the very least, he can get the ball up the floor and give to Melo or AI. He could conceivably get some lobs into the hands of Nene and K-Mart. And, the Nuggets didn’t have to give up any consequential pieces to get him. But boy, that altitude is gonna kill that juicy rumproast of his. He might want to hire a strict personal trainer… or twelve. If we see any defense out of Tinsley this year, it will be because the Nuggs brass duct tapes yardsticks to the end of his fingers.

So, Denver got just a little, um, better at the point. But at what cost? Only time will tell. Well, if time doesn’t stop because the sun quits spinning.


No, seriously folks. Just look the other way. Nothing to see here. We’re just busy making the Nuggets a better team is all.

HT: Thrilla Ziller @ Fanhouse

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MAN, THESE DUKE GUYS ARE A$$H*LES

July 9, 2008 in by with 13 Comments

The following is a special public service announcement from the Corndogg. -Matt

If there were ever a post that would represent the commitment we have to our tagline (see above), this is it. Follow along.

First off, let me say this. I am a bigger, more passionate fan of Duke basketball than any of you are for any team you pull for. Period. This hurts almost as much as hearing the words “And with the 3rd pick in the NBA Draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select (insert name here).” But, I am going to write it anyway, because the coincidences are not just coincidences anymore. They are facts.

Coach K has spent the better part of 30 years attempting to turn Duke University into a haven for the most thoughtful, intelligent, sincere and respectful student athletes around the country. He believes in teamwork, commitment, selflessness and passion. He believes in the power of a handshake and in ethical conduct (he even has his own monument attesting to that fact). But really, no matter how much you hate Duke or the players or how they play, at least K has tried to recruit honest, loyal guys.

(Ed note. I know most of the people reading this hate Duke and are probably choking down vomit after reading that paragraph. But really, in comparison to all the garbage and cheating going on in college athletics, Duke is a premier college basketball program, in talent and integrity. )

But man, I have never really noticed how so many Duke guys are A$$holes once they get to the NBA. I never thought I could say that. But really, after the whole Brand fiasco, I kind of needed to say it. If I am truly the fan I say I am, and as discerning and objective as I claim to be, then I have to speak the truth (well, at least my version of the truth). Let’s do a rundown of some of the most infamous bad boy Dukie behavior in the league. For the sake of brevity, I will keep it only to the modern era Duke players that have truly devastated teams in the league. J.J. Redick does not count just yet, Duke haters.

1) Danny Ferry – Selected 2nd overall by the Clippers (remember that name, they will be coming up again later) in the 1989 NBA Draft. Ferry famously decided that he would rather spend a year in Italy than play for the woeful Clippers, thus forcing a trade the next season. Luckily for the Clips, they got Ron Harper out of that deal. Ferry sucked his way through the league for over a decade, eventually becoming a champion on the coattails of Tim Duncan and the Spurs. Now he is actively trying to make Lebron James detest Cleveland and leave as fast as possible.

2) Christian Laettner – Not coincidentally, my favorite Dukie of all time. Famous for chest stomping, preening and generally being the best college basketball player of the last 20 years. However, he pouted his way through Minnesota, Atlanta, Detroit, Dallas, Washington, Golden State and Miami. For what its worth, nearly all of those teams were terrible during the time he was with them, but that’s no excuse for being upset that people though Shaq and Zo would be better NBA players than you. They were right. Never, ever looked happy playing basketball again after he left Duke.

3) Bobby Hurley – Convinced Sacramento he was worth a lottery pick. Got into an awful car wreck (not his fault). However, he wasn’t wearing a seat belt, something he should have learned with a stellar Duke education. Infamous for being a traitor and wearing an Indiana jersey in the movie, Blue Chips.

4) Grant Hill – Not really an A$$hole. But still, he swindled more money out of Orlando than Rashard Lewis, relatively speaking. At least Lewis knows what it is like to play more than 20 games a season in Orlando. Those ankles of Hill’s are a crying shame.

5) William Avery – An A$$hole to the Duke staff (which he foolishly ditched after the 1999 National Championship game) and to the NBA (where he floundered hopelessly). One of the few Dukies about whom I don’t mind writing this.

6) Jason Williams – Could be the best point guard in the league right now. Instead, he wrapped his motorcycle around a tree and cost the Bulls millions (both in ticket sales, salary and hope). Was never the same again. Why does God hate Jason Williams, yet love Kellen Winslow? It’s a cruel, cruel world.

7) Carlos Boozer – One of the NBA’s most notable hustlers. Gave the old “Duke handshake” to the Cavs by opting out of his minimal contract, stating he would re-sign with them (keep this in mind, as it will come up again later). Instead, took a pile of cash to go to Utah. Dukie crossing Dukie. An all-time crime. Now, everyone insists he is eyeing Miami next year when he becomes a free agent, leaving the Duke-esque Jazz with nothing but dust in the wind. We will see how this plays out.

8) Corey Maggette – “All I want to do is win.” Not true. All Corey wants to do is get paid (not that different from most other NBA players). But that is the thing, Dukies should set themselves apart. So, instead of trying to get a ring with the Spurs or the Celtics, Maggette took the bundle of cash that fellow alum Elton Brand dissed in Oakland and is signing with the soon to be miserable Warriors. Yuck.

9) Elton Brand – The moral compass of Duke. Elton has always been stoic, revered and loved by everyone he has been around. He has been loyal, forgiving and hard working, despite any awful circumstances surrounding him. Just a few days ago, we thought he opted out of his contract with the Clippers (a team that has loved him like a mother) so they could upgrade their talent and then resign him. They went and got Baron Davis. Elton decided it was better to skip town and take more money from Philly. I guess it isn’t as bad as taking the pile of cash from Golden State and going somewhere you can’t win. But geez, Elton, you are gonna make Bill Plaschke cry. Wait, that’s not such a bad thing. But still, you are now the newest and biggest curse on the other L.A. franchise. I would wear a Rip Hamilton-esque facemask when you go back. They throw batteries. No wait, you are already in that city. I guess they throw giant belt buckles in L.A. Either way, I bet they hurt.

So, there you have it. The modern run down of Dukies and their disreputable, disrespectful and conniving indiscretions whilst in the NBA. But you know what, I still love them. Like a drug addict loves heroin, the day he gets out of rehab. And now that I said it, I feel like a more insightful, better fan than ever before.

And, believe me, Brand is gonna kick some A$$ in Philly. They’re my new favorite team! And, I am still a little biased. GO DUKE.

Corn’s Game 4Thoughts

June 13, 2008 in by with 4 Comments

From the Corndogg….

  • After watching the end of the first quarter (i missed the first few minutes), I told Matt that if the Lakers keep this up, the photoshop should be Kobe as John Travolta from Pulp Fiction jamming the adrenaline needle into Uma Thurman (aka Lamar Odom’s) heart. Instead, I will just take Gasol’s head on the Gimp. But then again, Kobe as John Travolta is still exciting. Look Who’s Talking Now, anyone?
  • Regardless if the Celts take it down on Sunday, Happy Father’s Day wishes go out to Bill Simmon’s Dad. Finally, we might not have to hear about his heartaches anymore. Oh no, wait, the Patriots and the quest for the undefeated season starts up soon. Yippee!
  • So what if Paul Pierce’s celebration on the court looked more like a Pakistani cricketer than MJ. We all knew what it meant — Pure, unadulterated happiness.
  • Lakers: “So you see, what had happened was, uh, yeah, ummm you know, we just uh, kind of, almost, but but BUT, yeah, well, that was that.”
  • Although, as a basketball blogger, I should have known the game was over far before it happened, but that Posey 3 was just un-freakin-believable. Wait, I think I wrote the same thing about Game 2. Weird. James Posey Rules?
  • Yeah, so I picked the Lakers in 5. And you know what, I still think it will happen. :(
  • Van Gundy called it “a done deal” when the Lakers were up 17 in the first half (somebody please send that clip). You think he would have learned by now. Oh wait, no he wouldn’t, or he would be a head coach and not a commentator. Please quit fellating Kobe for about 10 seconds and get your head out of your but – wait, can you have you head in your butt and fellate someone at the same time? I digress. Same goes for you Mark Jackson. Kobe’s been good, but the Celtics have been “GREAT!” (Ed. Note- Van Gundy actually turned down two high profile gigs this summer, and Van Gundy actually criticizes Kobe more often than any other commentator. Mark Jackson, though? Yeah. Mark Jackson done lost it. -Matt)
  • Matt brought this up earlier, but seriously, think about this. Have you ever seen someone throw up so many shots that go directly off the backboard and nowhere near the basket the way Lamar Odom does? It’s weird. He acts like he’s at the county fair, throwing a dull dart at a balloon. Geez.
  • A little point that no one seems to focus on, especially the MSMers – The Celtics are doing this with only their 3 starters! Perkins has been a waste this series because of his ankle, Rondo was last night because of his. It’s the Big 3 and all the guys Doc refused to play earlier in the year. Truly magnificent. If anyone would have said that Pierce would have torn up his knee and that Rondo and Perkins would both be dealing with ankle injuries at times during the series, the Laker bandwagon would have burst a tire because it would have been so full. Not the case. We all forgot about Brown, Powe, House and Posey. And yes, kind of Cassell.
  • Ray Allen, the “elder statesman” of the Big Three played the whole game, never let up on defense and hit the game clinching layup by blowing past a kid a decade younger than him. He won’t be getting any MVP votes (those are reserved for you, Mr. Pierce), but he would damn sure get mine. KG has given the Celtics great defense, Pierce has trumped everyone in momentum plays. But the Most Valuable Player for the Celtics this series has been Allen. Period.

Corn’s Game 2 Thoughts

June 9, 2008 in by with 4 Comments

  • Rajon Rondo. To quote the cinematic classic Coming to America:
  • Guy 1 “That boy good.”
    Guy 2 (probably an Arsenio Hall character) “Uh-huh. He good. Good and terrible!”
    Such is the case with Rondo. There were plenty of great marks to his game – 16 assists, only 2 turnovers, consistently getting past Derek Fisher. However, he did seem to rush shots and stall the offense at times. This could be a much bigger problem in LA. I still expect him to play well, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see the ball in Allen and Pierce’s hands on offense even more.
  • Free throws. Man, we talking ’bout free throws? Man, free throws. Free throws? Leon Powe and free throws. Man, powe throws. I’m talkin’ bout free throws. (also, let it be know that there were many more problems than the free throw discrepancy for LA, but it was kind of embarrassing).
  • Something tells me that P.J. Brown wants a ring juuuuust a little bit more than Sasha Vujacic. I’m just saying. Brown is really busting his rump for the Celtics. We all thought he wouldn’t come back. But, you would figure a guy that old and that in demand late in the season would choose a team wisely. And he did. He is playing hard and being utilized well by Doc. That’s right, I said it.
  • I told Matt yesterday that the way the Lakers could combat the hyper-physical Boston defense was to pass the ball better and with more frequency. Obviously, he did not relay my message to Phil Jackson. Attacking the rim is not going to work against Boston, at least until the Lakers hit some 3s early and open up the lane. Their spacing is like a tide, it comes and it goes.
  • Another observation I made was that Phil Jackson has never coached a team with this much youth this late into the season. Even those Bulls teams had plenty of older, P.J. Brown types to help right the ship and act as calming influences. This team is still extremely green (no pun intended) and are not yet deserving of all of Phil’s trust. They came up big in the 4th quarter, but in reality, Jackson only seems comfortable playing his starting 5. I think he gets the cold shakes every time Luke Walton has to try and guard KG. Although the Lakers have been super-efficient until now, perhaps all the media pundits, myself included, overlooked their extreme youth. Boston is much more a traditional Phil Jackson team. And Doc Rivers is proving it.
  • Kobe is slipping back into 2005 mode. He best be careful, before the 35 shot demon takes over.
  • Have you noticed anyone taking umbrage with Ray Allen’s play in these 2 games? Didn’t think so. He has been very efficient and very cagey, always making good cuts and getting to loose balls. Ankles, schmankles. Ray wants this ring as badly as anyone. He is even quick enough to cause Kobe a problem or two on defense. He won’t get the press like Rondo, Powe-r, or Pierce will today, but he deserves it.
  • Phil Jackson has got to come up with some Sun-Tzu type stuff for Gasol and Odom. Although lithe and defensively unsound, they can still really cause problems for the Celtics if they continue to move and find the gaps in the paint. But if they keep taking body blows and inching out towards the perimeter, like last night, their effectiveness is nearly nil. They are both quick and skilled. It just so happens that the Celtic defense is quick, skilled AND physical. Edge: Celtics.
  • Monster 3 by Posey in the final 2 minutes last night. He can play supremely well in short spurts, but tries to do too much if on the floor for too long. Kind of like Cassell. Doc just might be figuring that out.
  • The Farmar/Rondo matchup is fascinating. This could be a great duel for years to come. Kudos to Matt for pointing that out.
  • As good as Boston’s defense is, the Lakers are still finding ways to get open shot… and miss them. I can’t see this happening the next couple of games. However, the Lakers defense can be downright putrid. I certainly can see this continuing for the next couple games. But hey, we (the brains) always say that defense wins championships, so it looks like Boston right now. And Paul Pierce is still The Truth.

Back In The Saddle Again

June 2, 2008 in by with 1 Comment

Sorry for the unannounced absence, folks. I had two back to back trips and thought I would have internet access last weekend. So it goes. I’ve thrown Corn’s raggedy ass back in the backseat and we’re cranking up some fun stuff for Finals week.

Oh, and an actual, you know, fair and rational discussion of the Spurs dynasty and imminent demise is right around the corner.

Thanks so much for blasting us into the atmosphere in the comments, though. That’s always fun to come back to.

Next time, I’m putting Holly in charge.

Well, That About Does It For The Spurs!

May 29, 2008 in by with 18 Comments

Corndogg Here and loving this glorious day. Why, you might ask? Because I hate, hate, hate the Spurs. And don’t care what anyone thinks. And since Matt is away on vacation, I am taking this opportunity to tell those Spurs and all their fans that their team can make like Jackie Moon and his Bud Light: SUCK ONE! Finally, I am redeemed!

Not one, but TWO huge pieces of news today. First, the NBA has decided that it was indeed a foul that Derek Fisher committed on Brent Barry in the waining seconds of Game 4 two nights ago. And you what, BFD! The League isn’t changing the outcome and the Spurs still aren’t winning a title. At least we have some comeuppance, both from the League and for the Spurs, but not without controversy. Just as with the whole “rogue” official-Donaghy scandal, the refs are saying one thing and the league is saying another. This is not conspiracy theories, folks. This is truth. Just read the article.

And, the second piece of news, which will almost surely ruin the chances of the Spurs ever making it to the WCF again, is that the league will now be fining floppers! Yes, that’s right. A team like San Antonio, who runs a tight ship, with cost effective payrolls and teaches flopping as sound defensive technique, its totally, utterly screwed. How can all those guys on those small salaries get by getting fined two and three (or in Parker’s case – 142) times a night just for using proper defensive technique? Answer: they won’t. So now, either teams are going to have to actually attempt to play defense or they are going to get some serious kicks to the morale and the wallet.

Look, I know it looks like I am preaching armageddon for the Spurs. And you know what, I am. Because (even though I respect Buford, Pop and Duncan) I really, really hate that team. Always have. They have gone for so long getting egregious calls and ridiculously lucky “rule interpretations” that I have begged, pleaded and prayed for this day to come. And finally, it is here. So what if I had to sell my sole to the NBA gods and become a Laker fan for a series. It was all worth it. What good is a soul anyway, once the season is over?

Please feel free to splash all of your vitriol in the comments section. Or better yet, save your tears for the River Walk, because the reign of terror is all dried up way down in San Antone.

Mike D’Antoni, How Does Your Garden Grow?

May 27, 2008 in by with 0 Comments

The following is another public service announcement from the Corndogg. Please remember not to go swimming for at least an hour after reading.

Lots of internet types are goofing on the Great Mustachio, now that the Bulls have won the Rose Bowl while the Knicks are stuck picking 6th (oooh, but OJ Mayo might be there!). However, while I was trying to decide if this were truly an awful decision on D‘s part, I came across one factor that I think might shape his future in New York indefinitely. D doesn’t just want Rose, he wants a Garden full of Roses. What’s that you say, are you using horticulture references in this post? What is this, a Flower Blog? No, it’s not, but that idea is imperative to the way D‘Antoni should approach his seemingly ill-fitting team this summer. When life gives you a big pile of crap, you turn it into fertilizer.

Run those bitches until their legs fall off.

“But uh, Corn, most of the Knicks can’t run to the toilet, much less 94 feet and back consistently.” And you know what, it doesn’t matter. In fact, if I were D, I would do my duty to Old Glory and coach the Olympics team (and give mustache rides to the likes of Lebron and Wade), but after that, focus on the one thing you know how to do better than anyone else in your profession – Coach uptempo basketball.
It’s the perfect storm. You don’t worry about trades. You don’t try and cut costs. You don’t bother with personnel decisions or who fits what position and what their skill levels are. You just run. Like Forrest Gump, you run. This is going to accomplish a multitude of things. First, you are going to break those guys who do not really care about basketball. “Oh, I’m sorry Stephon. If you don’t like the way I run my f*cking ship, then take $2 mil and go back to Coney Island.” Secondly, you let all the waste of cap and bench space slowly die off while you find out for sure who can and will fit your system (no one is looking at you, Jerome James). Third, you design a game plan that allows every single person on this team to take a shot whenever they touch the ball, if they feel like it. No consequences, just like in Phoenix. You let them play fast, play offense and let the defense come along if it can. If this collection of filth thinks they are individually so talented and worthy, let them prove it to you game in and game out.

Sure, this seems loony. But what about D‘s style and methods have not seemed loony in the past. The cream rises to the top and the garbage gets thrown away. You don’t make any excuses or apologize for the way you run your team. Not only will this get the media off your back, but it will show your fans and other free agents you are coveting that you couldn’t care less about expectations, trends and critiques. You are just there to coach the best way you know how. And once you take that Gung-Ho attitude into year two, you will be able to have a much bigger say in your personnel issues, you will be the darling of the Big Apple and you will know exactly where you stand. No one thinks you can do it anyway, not with this mess. So you might as well buckle down, zone in and work like you’ve never worked before. Nothing else matters.

Trying to make a mountain out of a dunghill? Sure, but if you build that mountain high enough, you won’t even be able to waft along the smell of crap from whence you first started. In fact, all that feces will have turned into compost. The perfect base from which to start your own Garden.

The NBA: Where "At Least The Marketing Department Is Getting It Right" Happens

May 19, 2008 in by with 1 Comment

Finally, a reason to justifiably say that someone, somewhere is doing something right with the NBA. This marketing campaign has been the best boon for the league since MJ and Bird were H.O.R.S.E.-ing around over some Big Macs all those years ago. And those weren’t even NBA commercials.

I know it doesn’t mean as much now if SNL apes your idea (although, the show is much, much funnier now than it has been in recent years), but this faux-mercial shows you the brilliance and elasticity of this great campaign set forth by the NBA. Yet, we here on the internets fancy ourselves as some of the most insightful, clever people out there, so I figured I would ask all of you which duo would make the funniest “There Can Be Only One” parody?

• Would it be Ricky Davis and J.R. Smith talking about shot selection?
• How about Charles Barkley and Latrell Sprewell discussing money management?
• Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry advocating physical fitness?
• T-Mac and Melo opining on how to succeed in the playoffs?
• Jamal Tinsley and Stephen Jackson stumping for the National Rifle Association?
• Kobe and Anti-Kobe giving advice on trusting your teammates?
• Tony Parker and Ron Artest dueting on his new Tru Warrior track?
• Boom Dizzle and Adam Sandler promoting “Don’t Mess with the Zohan?” – Wait, already, inconceivably done AND guaranteed to be 100 times funnier than the actual movie. Plus, its free, has Baron Freakin’ Davis and, did I mention, its free? Who pays money for Adam Sandler “comedies” anymore?

Really, there are so many examples. Luckily for us, the NBA continues to be full of great characters, greater stories and lots and lots of imagination. What else would make a great NBA split-screen parody? Unfortunately, anything involving Billy Knight and Billy King displaying great general managerial skill will not be accepted. R.I.P. Billies.

There Has Never Been A Greater Truster Of His Teammates In The History Of Professional Sports Than Kobe Bryant

May 8, 2008 in by with 7 Comments

The Corndogg wanted to celebrate Kobe in his own special way. The other day he heard several talking heads discussing how Kobe earned this MVP because he learned to “trust his teammates.” Here’s Corn’s in-depth report on how the word views Kobe’s miraculous ability to “trust” his teammates. Questions, comments, and death threats should be lobbed at matthew(dot)t(dot)cornelius(at)gmail(dot)com.

This post is dedicated to quotes heard from around the league, detailing specifically just how much trust Kobe has in his teammates. Not just regular trust, but MVP trust. His trust is just incomparable. He might have just lifted his trust to a different level. He is running away with the “Truster of the Year” award.

Tim Legler: “Kobe Bryant has shown more trust in his teammates than ever before. That trust is so strong that it has made them better teammates and helped them elevate their game to a level that is satisfactory to Kobe. But nothing is really satisfactory to Kobe, so he is out there before practice everyday, demanding that they do things that make him trust them more, such as shooting more free throws, working on defensive rebounding positioning and playing Russian roulette. Seriously, Kobe Bryant trusts them.”
Kenny Smith: “Kobe IS Trust. The amount of trust Kobe has in his teammates is of epic proportions. There is so much trust in his teammates that Kobe feels he can trust them to clap even louder now when he shoots 55% from the floor and goes the free throw line 24 times a game. He trusts them to cheer more diligently and they do. That is MVP caliber trust right there.”

Stephen A. Smith: “KOBE BRYANT PERSONIFIES TRUST. HE IS ABSOLUTELY THE MOST DOMINANT TRUSTING FORCE THE ENTIRE N.B.A. HE IS SO GREAT AT TRUSTING THAT I WOULD EVEN LET HIM GO TO THE GROCERY STORE AND PICK OUT MY FAVORITE KIND OF CHEESE DOODLES. QUITE FRANKLY, HE TRUSTS MORE THAN ANYONE I HAVE EVER SEEN. NOW GIVE ME MY CHEESY DOODLES.”

Skip Bayless: “I have never, NEVER! seen trust like this before. I don’t even like Kobe, as I have made apparent about a gagillion times before. But, as a respected journalist, I do love trust. And he has it. I mean, he HAS IT! I never thought I would see such trust again after what Mike Vick’s posse did to him, but Kobe has really proved to me that you can trust with your entire body and soul. It is just an unbelievable amount of trust.

George W. Bush: “If we had more generals in our army who trusted their teammates like Kobe Bryant, we would have accomplished “Mission Accomplished” way back when I said “Mission Accomplished” five years ago. In fact, I would like to invite Kobe Bryant to lead our special ops forces after he wins his fourth NBA title this year. He strategerically trusts in ways that will help us find Saddam Hussein, engender his trust and — (thought bubble pops in above head) ‘Wait W., we already killed Saddam.’ So, in conclusion, Kobe Trust. Thank you Amurrica.”

Roger Clemens: “I have trusted Rusty Hardin, Midny McCready and Brian McNamee the way Kobe trusts his teammates. And look where I am now. That is some deep, deep, uh… deep trust. I should not have trusted them so deeply. Am I misremembering how deeply I trusted them? Anyways, Kobe is great truster. Maybe the greatest in any sport ever. Hey, what is that? (sees fetus leg start to grow out of his left temple) Hey Rusty, can I trust you to take care of this for me?”

James Dolan: ” I would just like everyone, especially Cable Vision stockholders and the media that I follow via secret surveillance, to know that Kobe’s trust is even greater than the trust I have for Isiah Thomas. And I think you know how deep that trust is. Speaking of which, have any of you guys seen Isiah? Is he talking to our players? I doubt it, cause I trust him so much. But not as much as Kobe trust his teammates. But I have truly learned from this and next year, our guys are going to trust one another. For what? I don’t know, but there will be trust.”

Mike Wilbon: “Hey knuckleheads, trust like Kobe. I voted for him for MVP, so he must be the greatest. I mean, really, I voted for him and I am always right. Especially about blogs. I distrust them as much as Kobe trusts his teammates. Now you understand how much trust there is on that Lakers team.”

RespectKobe.com: “We told you so.”

Dick Bavetta: “We officials trust Kobe the way he trusts his teammates. If Kobe tells us that a shot from Sasha Vujajic, which was an airball, should really have been counted as 4 points, we believe him and award the Lakers 4 points. When Kobe tells us that he was fouled, even though he was in the locker room getting taped up before the game, we go ahead and award him 2 free throws at the start of the game. Because, you know what, we have noticed the amount of trust he has in his teammates and that makes us trust everything he says and does even more. He even said to me that in Game 3, he is only going to let his teammates shoot the ball and that he won’t attempt a single shot or free throw and that if those shots are missed, they should still count. I told him that we would review them and then count them every time. Such are the perks you get not only from being the MVP, but also from being the most trusting teammate in the league.”

Chris Webber: ” I see Kobe’s trust in his teammates and it reminds me of my own. Like, when the game was on the line, I always trusted my teammates to hit a big shot, so I would always pass them the ball and get out of the way. Sometimes, I would just stand near the sideline and let them do their thing. And you know why, because I trusted them. But not as much as Kobe trusts his Lakers teammates this year. He probably trusts them even more than he trusted Horry in Game 5 back in 2003 against us. I don’t know for sure, because I have a different perspective now. Back then, I was busy standing at half court and trusting my teammates to hit their shots. Now, I can watch from the comfort of the TNT studios, so I have a better angle. It’s tough to see things when you are already running back down the court because you trust your teammates to hit their shots at the end of the 4th quarter.”

Charles Barkley: ” The way Kobe used to trust was turrrrrrible. Now, his trust is good. Not turrrrible. That is some good trust. I wonder how many of his teammates are in his Fave 5 (fart).”

Stephen Jackson: “Kobe asked me the other day where I got my tats done. So I told him. I trusted him to treat my artist good, ya know. Cause I see how he be trusting his teammates now, even that big wacky Walton dude. So, I was like, ‘ Yo Mamba, go hit up Smelly Telly in East Oakland. Tell him 10 Deep told you to get the hook up.’ Now Kobe got this tat that is the sh*t cousin. It is a tornado, wrapped in a tsunami, on top of an earthquake, riding a cyclone around a volcano and into a hurricane. It’s called ‘Trust.’ It’s all about his teammates, yo (fart).”

Stephen Hawking (speaking through his robot): “Even I cannot calculate the amount of trust Kobe Bryant has in his teammates. It is as mind blowing as peering into the center of the sun. I cannot even being to imagine how much trust he has. It is unquantifiable. May I please have some milk now?”

Dikembe Mutombo: “They all love the Kobe. They want to sex the Trust. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.”

Lamar Odom: “For my birthday, Kobe told me he was gonna show me where Jimmy Hoffa was buried. Of course, I didn’t believe him cause no one knows that sh*t. But then, I realized how much Kobe trusted in me, both to believe him and not to tell anyone about it. So, he showed me where that dude was. I knew better than to doubt him. But that is all I can say, cause I know Kobe trusts me to take that info to the grave, ya’ll.”

Phil Jackson: “I talked with Kobe at the beginning of the year and gave him this simple advice: When the avocado performs stem cell research, he begins to find a haiku and a screwdriver while they are fighting in opposites and smelting Vancouver through a Taj Mahal salad full of purity, pencil shavings, brain tumors, and Andy Warhol. He knew instantly what it meant. Now he trusts his teammates more than ever before.”

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