I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. The lockout has lifted, we have a season, can I get an Amen? (Amen.) And in the spirit of renewal, our shiny new cadre of writers is putting together previews for all 30 teams in true HP style. From where teams are going to what their disgrace is to explorations of pop culture, we are about to rock, salute us, can I get an Amen? (Amen.) So sit back, relax, and ponder the awesomeness of this fully operational Hardwood Paroxysm 3.0. -Ed.Â
Quo Vadimus (Where Are We Going?)
By Noam Schiller
Call me old-fashioned, but I just don’t get reality television.
 It’s not that I’m an angry spinster that derives pleasure from raining in on joyous parades. There are plenty of things that I find entertaining in this world. But filmed, unscripted dysfunction theatrically brought to life through the vessel of self-entitlement that is a Snoochy or a Dauly P or a Ronkie-poodle or whatever current never-ending abyss calls itself? On my list, that ranks slightly below watching paint dry.
It’s not that I’m opposed to people doing incredibly stupid things, either. The innermost depths of failure can be a fascinating thing if presented correctly. The problem with reality television is how it insists on focusing on a group of people with absolutely nothing to offer. Which defeats the entire point. Failure can be fascinating, but only if it involves actual underachieving talent. It’s why the mid-2000s Knicks were fascinating while the 09-10 Nets or the 10-11 Cavs were just sad.
The Sacramento Kings may or may not fail this season. They most certainly will involve quite a bit of dysfunction. But one thing if for sure – you won’t be lamenting a lack of talent.
DeMarcus Cousins has a legitimate claim for most talented player in the league, and anybody claiming otherwise just hasn’t bothered watching him. A 6’11″, 270 frame, a rare combination of soft hands and rugged strength, a monstrous rebounder, a deft passer, and just 21 years old? Ignore the situation going on inside that noggin and tell me where you’ve seen a more complete hypothetical package.
And DeMarcus isn’t even the best player on the team at this point. Tyreke Evans had him some plantar fasciitis fun last season, sending even the most loyal fans tumbling into a heap of frustration and pessimism. But how easy it is to forget just how good a healthy Evans was just 20 months ago – and he couldn’t even shoot! Sure, you always run the risk of him never actually learning how to shoot, but why would you even think of that? Why are you such a heartless bastard? WHY DO YOU HATE TYREKE EVANS?!
Unless you’re Byron Scott or Monty Williams, you can’t hate Marcus Thornton. 2 years and a new contract in, we should all realize what Marcus Thornton is – a fantastic, dare I say elite scorer, who is probably best suited coming off the bench but should play 30 minutes a night regardless how the game starts. Buckets gets Buckets, and he gets ‘em good.
And it continues down the roster. Jason Thompson may have been the exact same player for 3 years, but that player is a good NBA big man. J.J. Hickson can’t make a defensive rotation to save his life, but his hippity-hoppity brand of ineptitude is, at the very least, entertaining. Isaiah Thomas is not only named Isaiah Thomas, he also just happens to be an explosive 5’8″ shooting guard that isn’t named Nate Robinson. The league can never have enough of those. And The Jimmer. Good lord, The Jimmer. Call it divine intervention, call it freaky coincidence, but never have you seen a 32 footer so smooth. Heck, never have you seen anything so smooth.
The Kings still need the talent they have to work out. But at least they got it, loaded up the good ole Chuckwagon (finally), and are taking it for a ride. It’s just the first, second and third steps in a multiple-step journey towards respectability, but they’ve made multiple steps, and it’s hard to find fault in that.
Popular Theories in Emerging Basketball-Cultural Cross-References
by Curtis Harris
I’ve got Boogie Fever. You should, too. Why?
Because Demarcus “Boogie” Cousins is on the roster. The Boogie Man in the middle is a handful for opponents, especially when he hasn’t scuttled his own play with dumb fouls. However, there are other reasons to get the Boogie Fever with the Kings.
There are seven, count ‘em, 7 players on this roster between 6’6″ and 6’9″. Such equity in height hasn’t been achieved since… wouldn’t you know it… 1975 when the Sylvers were singing and dancing their butts off to… wait for it… Boogie Fever.* I hereby petition the Sacramento Kings to make a team video of Tyreke Evans, Francisco Garcia, Tyler Honeycutt and other dapper Kings regally getting down.
[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHKCHvpYq_8 w=600 h=400]
*Other boogie songs you should consider playing while watching the Kings: “Boogie Oogie Oogie“, “Blame it on the Boogie“, “Boogie Down“, “Jungle Boogie“, “Boogie on Reggae Woman“, “Boogie Ain’t Nuttin’ (But Gettin’ Down)“, “Aqua Boogie (A Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop)“, “I’m Your Boogie Man“, “Boogie Shoes“, “Boogie Wonderland” and “Move Your Boogie Body“.
Boogie Nights the film was considered for discussion, but this is a family blog.
The Disgrace
By Noam Schiller
If you’re trying to develop talent, you need many things. And that environment needs to be monitored by a capable headmaster.
And then you have Paul Westphal.
Let me get this out of the way right off the bat: if the Kings’ youngsters fail to reach their considerable potential, it won’t be because of Westphal. The talent runs too deep for a single man to destroy, and the obstacles that stand in the way are easily apparent regardless of who’s it is running the show from behind the sidelines. It certainly isn’t hard to imagine a guy like DeMarcus Cousins flaming out even with the steadiest hand available showing him the way, and he could just as easily become a perennial MVP candidate even if the only coaching he ever gets is a bunch of Teletubbies standing behind him yelling “again! Again!” after he rips the arms off an unsuspecting defender.
But Paul Westphal is a horrible, horrible start.
His offense is “uhm, guys, we should probably score, K?”. His defense is “remember that thing I told you about scoring when we were on offense? Well, that’s a no-no”. His rotations change nightly, his substitutions random. There is no rhythm, rhyme, or reason – just a big ole “what?” dabbled with “why?”.
If your response to that last paragraph was “isn’t that the exact opposite of an ideal talent-developing system?”, the answer is yes. Consistency, stability, a clearly established and logically plausible grid of Dos and Don’ts – all absent, in the name of Westphal’s Whims. It’s a shame, because he strikes us as a genuinely nice person, but it makes watching what should be a fascinating team a frustrating chore.
Let’s Start A Cult About Really Really Enjoy: Jimmer Fredette
by Connor Huchton
Beyond all of the pointless hype and overwrought criticism, Jimmer Fredette possesses the tools to become a very good NBA player. Most evaluations of what Jimmer can contribute as an NBA player begin and end with his weaknesses (that’s the case with many players), but fail to understand one of Jimmer’s great capabilities: Capitalizing on his own strengths.
What makes Jimmer interesting beyond the boring narrative is what he can do so well: Shoot from anywhere on the floor. But his skills are far from encapsulated by the simple idea of the three-pointer. He can drive and pull up, he’s quick, and he has the depth of experience to know exactly what works for him and what doesn’t. Some of what he relied on may not translate to the NBA directly, but some of it absolutely will. The flashes of skill have been presented in spades during Jimmer’s first two preseason games (16.5 PPG on great shooting numbers), as have his weaknesses.
Jimmer will struggle to finish at the basket in the NBA, and his first step won’t prove as lethal against the league’s incredible athletes. He’ll try and fail to score against numerous matchups, especially in his rookie season. He’ll likely never be a star, though I’m certain jersey sales and endorsement deals may indicate otherwise. While those weaknesses will hinder Jimmer’s ability to become a solid NBA starter, his undervalued passing ability will expedite that process. He’s no longer on a BYU team that demands his every shot, and he’s shown the willingness to alter his game accordinly in two preseason games. The issue isn’t whether Jimmer can pass competently. He has that ability. The question is whether he’ll choose to pass, and early signs indicate he will.
I don’t want to start “a cult†about Jimmer Fredette. That line of thinking has become far too prevalent already. But I do want to be excited about a young, exciting player with quantifiable NBA skills. And that’s what Jimmer is now, once you navigate past the craze and hype. Just an NBA player, and an incredibly fun one to watch play.
[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqX_b_Bu4hI]



