MAD LOVE HANDLES

Zinger.

FIRST OFF

Get out of my face, Chicago Bulls.  You jerks lost AT HOME to the NEW JERSEY NETS.

I MEAN

You blew the first really good Derrick Rose game of the season (27/7/10), and needed a huge night from Taj Gibson to even be close.  Blame it on injuries if you want, but seriously, get out of my face.

MOVING ON

Pretty chill fourth quarter for the Mavericks and Suns, eh?

EH?

Yup.  Eh.

FOR RILLY

Steve Nash was incredible down the stretch.  Big threes that you knew were going in, plus he wasn’t even the one who made the defensive mistake that got Jason Kidd the wide-open dagger three.

GOES TO SHOW

If you Del Negro your timeouts early in the half, you’re going to regret it in the fourth quarter.

WEIRD GAME

Channing “Franning” Frye.  Two points on 1-7 shooting (0-4 threes), but you somehow grabbed nine rebounds and ended up +12.  Of course you bricked two huge threes down the stretch.  That’s because you’re Franning Frye, 38% of Rashard Lewis.

OH

Dirk is wearing a headband again.  The announcers call Rodrigue Beaubois “Roddy.”  I can spell “Rodrigue Beaubois” flawlessly without checking first.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DWIGHT HOWARD

Chris Kaman blocked your jump hook.

BIG UP YOURSELF

BreBron Brames (43/13/6).  Zach Randolph (32/14/2).  Gerald Wallace (25/16/1).  Kelly Dwyer (25/14/5).  Dirk (33/8/3).

CHILL OUT

John Salmons, with your being the worst go-to scorer in the NBA.  Whichever announcer called Steve Nash “The Brain.”  JJ Barea, with your increasing defensive liabilityness.  Juwan Howard.

PAU GASOL

Amateur dietician.

THOSE GAMES LAST NIGHT

They weren’t the best games.

IN FACT

I couldn’t really focus on one for an extended period of time.

EVEN THE BULLS?

Even the Bulls.  Except the third quarter, which was kinda entertaining.

TOO BAD

Yeah.

BUT

Some things happened.

LIKE

Greg Oden straight ballin’, 24 and 12 steez.

AND

Ersan Ilyasova’s 1990s facemask continually coming unstrapped.

AND

Roger Mason, Jr. having another good game and reminding us how deep the Spurs are.

AND

Derrick Rose dunked on Greg Oden in a mean way.

AND

Al Thornton having a fantastic game in honor of Jeff Weiss, who was in attendance.

BUT

That’s about it.

SO

Let’s end this.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Al Thornton (31/10/1).  LaMarcus Aldridge (24/13/3).  Tim Duncan (24/12/2).

CHILL OUT

Sasha PavLOLvic, with your bad beard.  The Clippers broadcast team, with your calling the TimberLOLves a ‘trap game.’  Dante Cunningham, with your basketball game.  San Antonio Spurs Coyote, with your word Coyote on the back because duh you’re a coyote.  Juwan Howard.

REMEMBER WHEN

Vladimir Radmanovic was in Clueless?

IN RETROSPECT

That was weird.

ON TO THE GAMES

It felt like every game was 100something to 90something.

EXCEPT

The Dallases versus the San Antonios.  That was a grood game.

IT WAS LIKE

Dirk Nowitzki is unguardable.

BUT THEN

Antonio McDyess blocked his shot.

THEN

Tim Duncan gots busy in the post.

AND THEN

Dirk started setting totally bizarre curled high screens that got Jason Terry wide-open, leaving Dirk a chance to get a huge tipback.

THEN

Duncan in the post, of course.

THEN

Duncan making an amazing recovery off a really weird switchbutnotreally with Keith Bogans.

LEADING TO

The Mavs Dirking it all over overtime.  Just a great game.  And good.  Great and good.

UNLIKE

The Knicks/Pacers jawn that I turned off, after I tuned in after missing most of Danny Granger’s first half explosion.  Burned.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Dirk Nowitzki (41/12).  Antawn Jamison (31/10/2).  Chris Douglas-Roberts (31/10/3/superlong jersey name).  Carlos Boozer (21/18/2)

CHILL OUT

Kris Humphries, with your trying to dunk on everybody.  Opposing NBA coaches, with your putting slow pseudocenters on Dirk down the stretch.  The NBA, with your replay system which is really just a flatpanel TV that the scorer’s table turns around.  Juwan Howard.

SUPPOSEDLY

Juwan Howard dunked last night.

HOWEVER

There are no pictures of it.

AND

The play-by-play credits him with a layup and a ‘two-point shot’.

CONCLUSION

No dunk.

ALSO

Chill out, Juwan Howard.

MOVING ON

How about those basketball games last night?  They were good basketball games.

KIND OF

Yeah, Blazers/Hawks was really only good for the last two minutes of regulation.  Mavs/Bucks was pretty good throughout, but outstanding the for the last quarter and OT.

FACE-OFF

More impressive shot:  Rudy Fernandez’s pumpfake and leaning three to force overtime OR Dirk’s eighteen bounces off the rim game winner?

I CAN’T DECIDE

On one hand, Rudy’s was incredible because it was a super tough shot from an awkward angle.  On the other hand, you knew Dirk was going fadeaway jumper, and you knew it was going in.  And it did.

SO

You choose, in the comments.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Joe John…son (35/3/9).  Dirk Nowitzki (32/11/3).  Brandon Jennings (25/7/8).

CHILL OUT

Ersan Ilyasova, with your 1990s facemask.  Charlie Bell, with your never knowing what to do with the ball.  LaMarcus Aldridge, with your never helping on defense.  Drew Gooden, with your fancy pants dribble moves.  Juwan Howard.

I DO

I would like some turkey.

A QUESTION

Has anyone seen Chris Bosh lately?

WHY?

Because he went missing during the fourth quarter of last night’s game.

ZINGER?

Totally a zinger.

BUT SERIOUSLY

In the last ten minutes and twelve seconds of a game that was ultimately decided by one point, Bosh went 1-5 from the field and 1-2 from the line.  He had two rebounds, two fouls, and an assist.

AND

It was basically because of Jared Dudley.

WHAT?

That’s what I’m saying.  Jared Dudley is a fine player.

BUT

He’s still Jared Dudley.  Come on, Chris Bosh.

SPEAKING OF JARED DUDLEY

Apparently, he fades his hair at his sideburns?  So that his linebeard doesn’t connect to his hair?  It’s weird.

ALSO WEIRD

That Grant Hill went back to his 1990s fade.  And Amar’e's “beard” in general.  Get it together, Phoenix Suns.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Kevin Durant (40/8/1).  Aaron Brooks (33/6/4).  Amar’e Stoudemire (30/8/2).

CHILL OUT

Matt Harpring, with your saying Michael Jordan isn’t a pioneer even though he was the first guy to have a shoe company built around him.  Hedo Turkoglu, with your two dribbles and a pull-up.  Juwan Howard.

MAYBE

The Suns are good?

MAYBE

Trevor Ariza doesn’t suck?

MAYBE

Zach Randolph will keep trying all year?

WHITE PETE SAYS

The NBA is CRAZY in here.

BUT

We’re learning.

FOR INSTANCE

We told Rasual Butler to chill out with his rasdual arm sleeves.

AND

He did.

PLUS

We learned that when the announcer says “Hughes, pull-up jumper,” it’s still a safe bet that it’s not going in.

ANOTHER THING

Last night, Eddy Curry was interviewed about returning from injury.  He said the hardest part was starting to drink low-calorie juices.

SERIOUSLY

That’s what he said was the hardest part about returning from a torn calf muscle.

WHOOPS?

Whoops.

BIG UP YOURSELF

The Suns (75 points in the first half).  Danny ‘Bootysweat’ Granger (31/16/3).  Carmelo Anthony (32/10/2).  Brandon Jennings (32/4/9).  Kevin Durant (30/10/4).

CHILL OUT

Marco Bellinelli, with your trying to break Rajon Rondo’s jump pass record.  Byron Scott, with your uninspiring speeches for an uninspired, uninspiring team.  Stacey King, with your telling Chris Bosh he has to “go hard down low” when you are Stacey King from the 1990s Chicago Bulls.  Juwan Howard.

LAST NIGHT

Was almost the best night.

WHY?

Because Brad Miller’s miracle shot happened.

BUT

Then it didn’t happen.

SOUNDS FISHY

You mean to tell me that a seven foot, totally awkward, pasty white guy can’t catch, turn, and shoot in .3 seconds?

WELL THEN

I would believe you.

OH YEAH

I was there.

ACTUAL THINGS I SAID

“Dang it.  This game is over.  Chauncey never misses free throws.”

FOLLOWED BY

“Might as well stick around for the last .3 seconds.  Something crazy might happen.”

AND THEN

Something crazy happened.  Right in front of us.  By my favorite bro.

LIKE I SAID

It was almost the best night.

BUT THAT MEANS

I didn’t see any other games.  But thanks to the World Wide Web, I can read boxscores.  So…

BIG UP YOURSELF

Dwade (41/5/5). Erick Dampier (14/20).  Joakim Noah (12/21/2 blocks).  LaMarcus Aldridge (16/12).

CHILL OUT

John Salmons, with your corner threes.  Brad Miller, with your pretty bad game and slow fingertips.  Mike Conley, with your constant smiling.  Juwan Howard.

IN THIS ANALOGY

The bat is the Raptors, and Manu is Manu.

BECAUSE

Last night was vintage Manu.

WE’RE TALKING

36 points on 15 shots. 6 for 8 from three.  14 for 16 from the free-throw line.  Plus eight assists, four rebounds, and a steal.

OH

And four blocked shots.  And no personal fouls.

FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF

+21.

THAT’S WHY

The Raptors are the bat.

IN OTHER NEWS

The Knicks had no one to guard Carlos Boozer.

YET

Carlos Boozer remains Carlos Boozer.

SO

That’s weird that no one could guard him.

ALSO

Andrei Kirilenko is a pair of hornrim glasses away from being Marty McFly’s dad.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Manu Ginobili (36/4/8). Steve Nash (21/2/20). Chris Bosh (32/10).  The Warriors (146 points).

CHILL OUT

Brent Barry, with your LFO hair.  Mike D’Antoni, with your running game-winning “plays” for Tony Douglas.  Andrea Bargnani, with your weird pump fake move that was probably a travel.  Juwan Howard.

FUN FACT

If you enter a game, but no time goes off the clock, you didn’t really play.

TOUGH BREAK

Brian Cook.  It was nice to see you though.

HOW ABOUT

That Lakers / Rockets game?  It feels like the Rockets could be the lead for every Morning Bell this season.  Watching them is like watching a very important science experiment.

PARTICULARS

The Ariza sequence at the end of regulation was big time coolness.  Chuck Hayes is probably the baddest mammajamma in the NBA right now (name someone who is a more bad mammajamma).  Kobe Bryant is still good at basketballing.  The Rockets uniforms make everybody on their team look smaller than they really are, which is small to begin with.  Ron Artest’s hair must grow fast if he can get a new design in it after a week.

IT APPEARS

That the Lakers are the masters of having exciting games end with anticlimactic finishes.

OR AS REGGIE MILLER WOULD PUT IT

Anticlimatic.

OTHER THINGS HAPPENED

Like DeShawn Stevenson proving his continued irrelevance by missing two freethrows that would have given the Wizards the lead, and then having Dwade (rhymes with “Quaid”) hit a  jumper in his beard.  Killer neck tattoos though.

APPARENTLY

Gilbert Arenas isn’t fully back.  It’s hard to imagine two worse end-of-game possessions than throwing the ball off your leg out of bounds and meekly missing a floater with your team down by three.

ACTUAL DOMINIQUE WILKINS QUOTE

“The ball swung from one side of the court to the other without touching the floor.  The only guy who dribbled it was Mike Bibby.”

BIG UP YOURSELF

Kobe Bryant (41/6/4).  Chris Paul (39/5/7).  Dwyane Wade (40/4/5).  Kevin Martin (29/11/2).  Andrea Bargnani (22/12/2).

CHILL OUT

Jason Thompson, with your missing bunches of layups in a close game.  DeShawn Stevenson, with your entire steez.  Juwan Howard.

LAST NIGHT

Was the Brad Miller Show. Kind of.

BUT NOT REALLY

Still, hear me out.

WHY

Because 13 and 7 sounds pretty modest, but he was a game high +19.

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T REALLY LIKE +/-

I don’t, but sometimes it makes sense.  Like last night for the Bulls.  They were obviously better with B Milli on the court.  He gives the team a toughness that Joakim Noah only alludes to.  Plus, since he’s basically useless in the post, Brad’s perimeter skillz really help out the Bulls’ spacing.

YOU’LL NOTICE

Brad Miller’s entire offensive game is now built around the shot fake.

IN OTHER NEWS

Vintage Steve Nash.  Dirk NOVAitzki.  It might be 2005 again.

ABOUT THE LAKERS / THUNDER GAME

By far the best game of the season to come down to a Thabo Sefolosha airball followed by Lamar Odom airballing a freethrow.  Hands down the best game to end like that.

IT WAS WEIRD

To see Kobe get no calls down the stretch.  Plus he got called for two offensive fouls, one taken by Sefolosha, the other by rookie James Harden.

PLAYERS WHO LOOK LIKE PLAYERS FROM THE 1980s

Gerald Henderson.  Nenad Krstic.  Deron Williams.

BIG UP YOURSELF

Dirk Nowitzki (40/11/5).  Steve Nash (30/3/8).  Luol Deng (24/20).

CHILL OUT

Etan Thomas, with your overemphasizing rebounds.  Ersan Ilyasova, with your Zach Randolphing three-pointers to end games.  The Oklahoma City Thunder, with your several airballs in crunch time.  The Milwaukee Bucks, with your terrible plays to end halves.  Juwan Howard.