This is Steven Hill. Let’s go in reverse. Steven Hill today signed a contract this week with the Portland Trailblazers. He earned his way onto the team by becoming a fan favorite at Summer League using his size and a whole lot of downhome effort to make an impact. That and his beard is awesome. Hill was drafted by the Blazers after finishing his senior year at the University of Arkansas, where he starred in the Razorbacks’ first round victory over fat Ben Eric Gordon and Indiana University. Hill attended UofA after coming out of high school in a town called Branson, Missouri.

Branson, Missouri is 30 minutes from my home town. Let me put it this way. It was a big deal when Branson got an Olive Garden. BIG DEAL.

“C’mon, Martha! We goin’ to the whittlin’ store, then we’re going to that there Olive Garden!”

Here’s a brief introduction to Branson.

The following exist there:

• Yakov Smirnoff’s Theatre. No, seriously. He performs nightly.
• Chainsaw Carving Art Shows. On the side of a highway.
• The best Indoor Mini-Golf course in the country, featuring a “simulated Ozark rainstorm.”
• The world’s largest banjo.
• Funnel cakes made year-round.
• The Platters.
• Fire In The Hole! (Which also decapitated one of the test-drivers. That was fun.)
• This.
• Andy Williams’ Moon River Theatre. I have no confirmation if he’s still alive or if this is an exacerbated Weekend at Bernie’s joke.
• Pirates in Mini-Golf form.
• This show, which is the longest running show in Branson. No,this is not a farce. I’ve seen it. It’s real.
• A theatre featuring a Korean violinist star, in which the bathrooms have a pool table and onyx sinks.

Perhaps it would be better if I show you in pictures.

And now, we have an NBA player, even if its only briefly, from this magnificent place.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a new hero. And his name is Steven Hill, from Branson, Missouri.

Oh, and no, Big Country Reeves doesn’t count as a Hillbilly. Gans is out of the mountains, to the west of Fort Smith. If he’d been from east of Fort Smith, he’d be a hillbilly. As he is from the west, he’s an Oklahoman. Which is kind of like a big lemming with remedial hygiene and a job at a gas station. Hillbillies are more like overgrown sloths with remedial hygiene and a job making moonshine. Important difference.